I awaken in Sarah's bed the next morning. I'm wearing a tee shirt of hers and my panties, I see my outfit from last night lying on the dresser in her room. She is fast asleep beside me so I use the quiet of the morning to reflect back on the events of last night, promising myself to try and be as analytical and detached from the overwhelming emotionality of it all.
I am, however, experiencing the last remnants of so many emotions: from terror to rage to relief. I know that the situation could have been much much worst, so I'm grateful for that. The little bit of Austin that is left in me is asleep - I can't feel his presence or hear his thoughts in my head right now, but I am feeling quite blessed that he was there last night. I'm not sure that my Liesl-self would have thought to turn to such... physicality.
While I'm not feeling outright terrified, as I had in the last few moments of my experience with that man (I won't ever say his name again), I do feel vulnerable in a way I'd never ever experienced as a man. I'd gotten a taste of vulnerability the night I walked to the club to go dancing with Sarah, but that had been nothing like what I experienced last night. I probably wasn't really less vulnerable as a guy, but I'd never been in a situation like last night, where the threat of harm was real and imminent. Last night's events made it so glaringly obvious that I could end up in a situation in which left me with no choice but to to fight or submit. I shudder despite my best efforts to remain detached. Had the situation gone beyond a knee to his groin I would have been very unlikely to escape - the new dent in the side of my poor little Honda a testament to his rage. One thing I really really miss about being a guy is feeling strong (whether or not I really was) - I've noticed how much heavier my camera bag feels.
I also ponder the rage I felt, and to a lesser degree still feel. Knowing a predator is out there, one who is seeking vulnerable people much like myself makes my cheeks burn; my father always told me I had an overdeveloped sense of justice. The first thing I will do on Monday morning is to contact Sadie, Dr. Finch, and Mr. Dante to let them know about what happened - 'that man' is out there hunting - he's dangerous and shouldn't be trusted. I have a feeling that Dr. Finch and Mr. Dante will ask me if I want to go to the police. I mull this over for awhile, but decide against it. I definitely don't want the attention that will likely come with a police report. I'm also guessing that because he only came close to forcing himself on me I he might not even get charged, let alone convicted and punished - it's easy to imagine the entire episode would quickly become a 'he-said, she-said'. The one thing that calms my rage is knowing that the knee I gave him probably hurt him a lot - despite the fact that I don't have testicles anymore, it isn't difficult to recall the intense, and overwhelming pain that I'd experienced on the few occasions when mine had been 'mishandled'.
I'll ask Sarah about a self-defense course and whether she's ever taken one. Perhaps I should carry some pepper spray too? I toy with the idea of getting a handgun, Arizona is the wild west when it comes to guns and I wouldn't be alone in having one. The thought of just being able to brandish a gun at 'the narcissist' makes me smile, I bet he'd have pissed himself! Ultimately, the associated dangers of having a gun worry me more than dealing with the likes of my personality-disordered date.
While stepping through the events of the evening I identify my two biggest mistakes: not trusting my intuition more when it so clearly was signaling danger, and then leaving the protection of the public space of the restaurant. Lesson one, trust my gut. Lesson two, don't make a bad situation worst! I could have easily made a scene in the lobby; if he didn't leave at that point I'm sure someone in the restaurant would have walked me to my car or called the police.
I resolve to make an appointment with the psychologist, Dr. Petterson as well, and not just to inform her of the predator in our small, odd clan. I know I need more support in my life - Sarah has been the most amazing friend to me and I think, no, I KNOW, that she'll keep doing whatever it takes to be there for me, but I don't want to burden her like that. A psychologist can deal with my issues, I'll let Sarah deal with my makeup and be my wingman when we go dancing.
I feel Sarah shift in the bed next to me. She turns on to her side and I see her breast slip out of the loose-fitting, satiny slip she's wearing. I realize that while she's seen me completely naked this is the first time I've ever seen more that what her bikinis reveal. Her breasts are bigger, proportionately than mine. She has a large pink nipple that sort of blends in with the pale skin of her breast. Her mousy blonde hair is really mussed and looks remarkably sexy as she dreams - I can see her eyes shifting rapidly under her closed lids. Her lips, her gorgeous lips are slightly parted. I vividly recall the combined guilt and desire I'd always felt when I'd daydream about what those lips would have felt like on my cock.
I roll onto my side so that I'm facing her and enjoy the way the diffused, soft light of the Sunday morning sun spills across the bed and illuminates her. I wonder if I was an idiot to have never tried to date her, realizing that I had squandered an opportunity to be with such an amazing person. In hindsight I'm now in a better place for not having dated her as I'm sure I'd have fucked it up somehow and I wouldn't have her as the friend I so desperately need now.
I doze off for a few moments, reopening my green eyes as she rouses and meets my gaze with her blue eyes. We don't say a word but communicate volumes, her eyes smiling more than her lips. I could look at her face in all its compassion and kindness for the rest of the morning. I can smell her scent in the sheets and in her hair - not perfume, not shampoo - the wonderful scent of a clean healthy body, subtle and alluring. I feel my nipples stiffen under the thin cotton of Sarah's 'Disney Magic' tee shirt that she put me in last night. I don't want to do anything to ruin things with her so I just lie there.