"Pass those chips my way," I said, gesturing to the bag next to Grace.
She lackadaisically picked them up and handed them over to me without taking her eyes off my laptop screen. It was a Tuesday night in my dorm room and we were hanging out together, as we often did. It was well into our first year of university. We were lucky enough to get single-occupancy rooms in our residence; despite that, we had established a pattern of spending most nights in each other's rooms.
As was typical, I lounged in my pyjama pants and a long-sleeved top, and Grace mirrored by choice of outfit. She had close-cropped dark hair, with similarly dark eyes, and had prominent dimples when she smiled. She was taller than me; I was average height, and she stood over me by a few inches at least. She was also more slender than I was. I wasn't overweight, by any means, but I had an average build. Most things about me, physically, were average; at least it felt that way to me. I had dirty blonde hair that was usually kept in a ponytail, and light blue eyes.
Grace and I spent most nights together either listening to music, watching tv or movies, or just generally talking. We were quite comfortable in each other's presence at this stage. Neither of us were social butterflies, and I think we recognized that in each other. I was certainly grateful to have a friend that wasn't into the bombastic and wild gatherings characteristic of our peers. Neither of us were dating anyone, either.
As someone who had difficulty sharing herself with others, I was very happy to have met Grace. She didn't ask pointed questions or confront me unnecessarily; in her quiet way, she created a safe space for me to be able to open up on my own terms. I felt like I had permission to just be me, in a way I had never felt around other friends before.
I endeavoured to return the favour for her, and never pressed her on personal matters. I think she appreciated this, though I didn't know it with absolute certainty; we hadn't shared many "deep" things with each other. We both kept things close to the vest, but it seemed we were both happy with the companionship we had struck.
I chomped away at a handful of chips, watching the episode on my screen. It wasn't a particularly good show, but it was something to do. The two love interests were involved in a romantic scene, and I could tell a kiss was coming. I always felt a little awkward watching scenes like this with other people around. I had never felt comfortable talking about sexual things with other people. The slang was not really part of my vernacular; it just felt wrong to me somehow.
Grace must have felt similarly awkward watching the scene, because she spoke up as the characters were engaged in an extended French kiss. "Jeez, it's like he's trying to find the back of her throat with his tongue."
I chuckled, perhaps louder than I needed to. "Yeah, not sure how great that would feel. Though she doesn't seem to mind."
"Yeah, I don't know how I would feel about that either," Grace said.
The way she said that made me pause, and a question jumped to mind almost immediately. I debated whether or not to ask, and decided that I needed to step out of my comfort zone if I was ever to get to know Grace better.
"Have you ever kissed a guy like that?" I asked delicately.
"No, I haven't," she replied quietly, still watching the screen.
I had anticipated this answer, and felt a kinship with her. I hadn't revealed this to her, but I had very little romantic involvement with anyone before. That kind of interaction always felt like a social minefield, and besides, nobody had taken a particular interest in me that way before.
"I haven't either," I confided in solidarity.
"Really?" she asked, perking up some, looking over at me.
I looked back at her, and this felt like the right moment to share more. "I've actually never kissed anyone before. Besides my parents, but that doesn't count. I've never really dated anyone. It always felt too complicated. And nobody ever seemed interested in me, anyway."
I took a breath, realizing that hadn't been as difficult an admission as I was picturing. There was no pretense on Grace's face, which made it easier to tell her. She nodded slowly.
"I haven't done those things either, myself. I feel the same way you do about the whole thing," she eventually said.
Curious as to how much our thinking overlapped, I pressed on. "Do you - do you
want
to date someone? Do those things? Do you ever feel like you're missing out?"
"I do. I think I'm just waiting for the right person? None of the guys I've met have ever really blown me away in that department. It's the kind of thing I figure will happen when it happens," she said, looking down at her nails. "But yeah, I sometimes wonder if I'm maybe falling behind or something. What about you?"
"Yeah, I feel pretty much the same. I'm waiting for the right guy too. But I do wonder what some of those experiences would be like," I said, feeling the colour rise in my cheeks slightly.
Grace hugged her knees. "Yeah - I do too. And I..." she began, pausing awkwardly.
"What is it?" I nudged quietly.
She gesticulated in apparent frustration. "I don't know. I worry sometimes that I'll get to that situation, and not really know what to do, you know? Or just be bad at it."
"I've actually thought about that myself. Kind of silly, really. But. Yeah..." I trailed off.
An uncomfortable silence filled the room. It felt like both of us wanted to say something, but were too reticent to come out with it.
"Annika. Um. Do you think it would be weird if - if the two of us..." Grace hesitated.
"If we what?"
"This is so stupid. What if we tried, you know, practicing. Together."
Though I had been thinking along those lines myself, I was surprised to hear the words out loud. I knew I could trust her, and she was my closest friend.
"You mean like kissing?" I asked.
"Yeah. What if we just practiced it, so we'll know what we're doing when we have the chance to kiss guys for real. Tell me if I sound like an absolute idiot though," she said.
Sensing her vulnerability, and realizing this was the most open and honest conversation we had ever had, I knew I had to make her feel supported. "You don't sound like an idiot at all. I was sort of thinking the same thing actually. I mean, I trust you way more than anyone else. And I know you would never tell anyone about this. I wouldn't either."
She relaxed visibly, even cracking a small grin, which seemed to ease the tension. "Of course, I wouldn't dream of it, this would just be between us. Always. So - you really wouldn't mind trying it? With me?"
"It might be a bit weird, but you're right - we don't want to end up kissing a guy and he hates it because we're not good at it. And I'm not worried you're going to embarrass me or something crazy like that. We can at least give it a try and if it doesn't go well, then so be it," I said, convincing myself as much as Grace as the words flowed out of me.
