California Dreamin

California Dreamin

It was in the early fall of last year when my publisher suggested I attend a symposium to sharpen my writing skills. The annual event was being held in California that year and I wasn't happy about going, but decided that I needed a change of scenery.

The four-star hotel boasted magnificent views of the Pacific, so I was looking forward to the California trip. Little did I know this conference would change things and I would soon be reunited with a long lost love.

The trip from the East Coast was long and tiring. After getting the rental car and checking in at the hotel, I poured myself a glass of wine from the mini fridge and ran a hot bath. I needed to get some much needed sleep as I was exhausted knowing I had to get up early to attend the symposium being held there in the hotel in San Francisco.

The next morning I jumped in the shower and decided what I was going to wear as there was no real dress code per the welcome packet. Writers and wannabe writers from all over the country were in attendance. The auditorium was packed but I found a seat close to the exit but at the end of the aisle so I could easily sneak out if I got too bored. They really weren't taking attendance either, so it was a slam-dunk if I decided to go to the beach one afternoon. Who would know?, I told myself. I personally didn't think I needed brushing up on my writing abilities, but obviously my editor of the magazine I wrote for, did.

Trying to keep an open mind about the new "trends" in writing, I got comfortable in one of the seats and opened my pad with pen in hand and started to scribble on the blank page sitting on my lap. A very familiar position as I seemed to be in a writer's slump lately. I was secretly hoping this trip to the West Coast would perk up my spirits and allow the juices to flow onto the page.

The room was filled with mostly female writers, journalists, and authors. Some men, but predominantly women were in attendance. I scanned the rows within my area to see if anyone was recognizable. No one was. Then, suddenly about 10 rows down to the left I saw her. Was it really her, I asked myself? Couldn't be. What was she doing here in California? She had a Masters degree in English and already published two children's books. I don't think she needed the symposium to sharpen her writing ability. I couldn't take my eyes from her as the lecturer began to speak and the lights dimmed.

I had to get closer so I scooted out of the aisle and went a few rows down to get a better look. Yes, Yes, Yes.. It was her. The first and only woman I had fallen in love with so many years ago. She appeared much older now, but looked almost exactly the same as she looked when we parted ways, 20 years ago. I looked down at myself to see how I was dressed. Why didn't I wear that red blouse I packed and why didn't I take the time to fix my hair so it looked nice? I wanted to look my very best for her so she would remember how much she liked the way I looked and dressed. The old Diane who loved everything about me. The one who told me that she admired my confidence in just about everything I did. The person she admired and was falling in love with was sitting there wearing a dingy pair of jeans, sneakers and a Giants sweatshirt.

Time should have erased most of what we shared between us, but it didn't. Not for me anyway. I would have gone to the moon and back for her, and she knew it. I guess that didn't make much of a difference when she decided to end our 10-year relationship. There was no argument or official parting of the ways. She just slowly drifted away and spent less and less time with me. Nothing was ever stated between us as neither of us felt that we had anything to actually say. The relationship just dissipated slowly until there was nothing left. There wasn't anyone else involved for that matter either. The relationship just dissolved and we went on with our lives, or so I tried to. Nothing was ever the same, as I missed her terribly. I tried over and over to reach out to her but she never really responded, and if she did it was just small talk. No desire to meet up again to see if the flames we once had for one another were still smoldering.

We were such different people back then. Young, adventurous and without a care in the world. Those were the days when we spent every waking minute with each other. I was never able to 'get over' her, and there hasn't been anyone in my life since her that even comes close.

My heart fluttered and there was a rumbling in my stomach as I tried to comprehend that she was really there, sitting in the seat listening and jotting down notes on a pad. I started to plot out my next move. Should I just go up to her and say, "surprise"...No, I don't think so. Should I not let her see me and try to follow her when the session was over? Was she staying in the hotel or somewhere else? I had to know the answer to all these questions that flooded my mind and caused my hands to perspire and my sexual appetite to stand at attention.

I couldn't concentrate on the speaker at the podium as my mind traveled back in time to when the very sight of her sent me spinning in circles. I know that of all the relationships I ever had, she was the most significant. The one that made me realize who I truly was and accept the fact that I had fallen in love with another woman. In the beginning, our relationship was pure passion for each other, but that grew to a true love that we shared and cherished for many years.

Truly understanding that when true love happens, it is overwhelming.

How I have longed to hold her in my arms again. To kiss her and make crazy passionate love to her. My mind was running away to the times we were together. I snapped out of it as the lights came back on and everyone was gathering their possessions to leave the auditorium for the first 15-minute break.

I saw her exit the side door so I turned and went out the back doors. In the lobby they had coffee and danish and everyone was gathering around chatting and introducing themselves. I saw her go over to the coffee urn and pour herself a cup. Slipping into line next to her I said "Need milk with that coffee??". Without looking, she knew by the mere sound of my voice that it was me. Oh My God! Was all she could muster. Placing the cup down on the table she gave me a big bear hug. I was shocked as I didn't expect that there would be any touching. She smelled the same as I inhaled her familiar scent and wanted to hold onto her for dear life not ever wanting to let go. She blurted out a million questions; "What was I doing there? How was I? When did I get there? Where was I staying? And the kicker, 'You look great!'.

I tried to answer her ramblings and saw that in spite of all the time that had passed, she was truly glad to see me. I was overwhelmed just listening and watching her excitement. We made our way over to an empty table and sat with our coffee cups and note pads. I explained to her that I was working for a magazine in the city and that my editor wanted me to attend the symposium. She told me that she keeps abreast with the author's circuit and decided to get away and attend the conference.

I didn't want to seem too overjoyed, but I was on cloud nine. We went back into the auditorium and this time we took seats next to eachother. I kind of knew that was a mistake as I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything but her. The time flew by and we were soon breaking again for lunch.

I suggested we go outside to get some air. She agreed and followed me out to the atrium as she was still smoking and wanted to light up. Telling her I was so glad that I ran into her, she agreed and said she was glad to see me too. I wanted to yell or argue with her and let her know how much she had hurt me by ending our relationship, but I didn't want to stir up any negative feelings. I didn't want to bring up the past, as that longing in my gut for her was now ready to spring into action.

She told me she was staying in the hotel also and wanted to get together for dinner later. Of course, I told her that would be great and I was looking forward to it. We exchanged room numbers and went back inside to join the others.

That evening couldn't come fast enough. I rushed to my room at the close of the conference for the day and started rummaging through my suitcase to see what clothing I had brought that would be sexy and inviting. Nothing. Just jeans and tee shirts, so I went down to the shops in the hotel to find something that would knock her socks off...and her panties.

Running back to my room, I quickly showered and anxiously awaited her call. As the water surged from the pulsating showerhead, my mind kept reverting to the past. I was elated to think that she wanted to get together again, but was hesitant to think that it would end with me having another wounded heart. What if she didn't want to resume our relationship? What if she just wanted to be friends and not lovers? I don't think I could bear it, not for a second time.

The years that passed since we were together were brutal as I couldn't think of being with anyone but her. She ruined me for wanting to seek out anyone else. I felt like the victim in our relationship, as it was her who made the moves on me, and not the other way around. I never thought of sexually approaching her or making a move back then. I was satisfied with just being with her in our platonic relationship until the day we got together. Prior to that, she was my buddy, my traveling companion, and my go-to person for everything.

We knew all the secrets of our past and dreamed about all that we wanted for the future. I couldn't stop thinking about how this was all going to change once and if we were reunited. There was something different about her this time around, and I couldn't put my finger on it. It was as if there was something she wasn't saying. Something she was keeping from me. I knew her so well that it was becoming obvious that there was something she wanted to get off her chest, but I didn't dwell on it. I assumed it was something she wanted to say about the break up but also decided not to bring it up.

The logical side of me kept asking, "Is that all its going to take?" Us meeting up 3000 miles away from home to ignite the fires once again? I could have shown up on her doorstep at anytime during our hiatus. Would that have been all it took to get us back together? Nothing seemed to make sense. I tried to calm down. To tell myself not to get too psyched about meeting her later incase it didn't turn out the way I wanted. It was no use, as I knew once we were alone together, it would be just like old times. I would melt in her arms and nothing logical would interfere with our love for one another. I didn't want to believe that all that passion, all that desire, and all that love she had for me so long ago was now gone. It couldn't be gone. It was there buried way down deep and I was determined to seek it out once again and have my way with it.

As I was primping to get ready for our dinner meeting the phone rang. It was Diane telling me to meet her in the lobby at 7 and we would head out to an intimate restaurant she booked reservations for not far from the hotel. Hanging up the phone, I was on Cloud 9. It was like old times again, both of us planning our evening together. How I missed those wonderful times in my life when I seemed to float along knowing I was going to eventually land in her bed wrapped in her arms.

I arrived in the lobby early as I couldn't contain my excitement pacing around in the room until the designated time finally arrived. Every time the elevator doors opened my heart skipped a beat as I awaited for her to step out. Finally after 10 or 12 elevator openings, ( I counted) she arrived. Wow! Was all I could think as I looked her over from head to toe. She wore a beautiful red and white blouse with white Capri pants and sandals showing off her beautifully manicured red toenails.

She greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and we headed out to the valet station to retrieve my rental car. Heading toward the restaurant I told her how ravishing I thought she looked and she smiled accepting my compliments. I knew what was running through her mind when she picked out the outfit she had on. She knew red was my favorite color and she knew how much I admired her red pedicure. My thoughts were racing about how I would unbutton her blouse that held her perfect breasts and how I would slip my hand down her pants until I felt the sensual spot between her legs, wanting to please her. I was dripping just thinking about what would transpire only a few hours away.

Dinner was fine as we ordered steaks and drinks. It reminded me of the time we vacationed in Aruba and almost every night we went to a local steak house which we raved about for weeks on end. I was trying not to make her feel uncomfortable as I lusted over the very sight of her. She always felt uneasy when we were in public and I would show her any affection.

After a couple of hours of reminiscing we decided it was time to head back to the hotel. My mind was racing as I thought to myself, "Is she going to invite me to her room?" "Should I invite her to mine?" Would she just say goodnight with no innuendoes about sleeping together? On the short ride back I tried to play it out in my mind but decided to let things just happen without a designated plan of action.

We shortly arrived back at the hotel and exited the car for the valet driver. Heading towards the elevator she turned and asked me if I wanted to come to her room for a drink. Yes, Yes, Yes!! I responded with a big smile on my face. Slipping her room key in the door and stepping into the room, I noticed we had landed on one of the high floors overlooking the ocean with floor to ceiling windows. A small lamp was lit and I noticed remnants of her clothing on the chair and streaming over her open suitcase. Clothes that were unfamiliar to me as it was years since we were around each other. I use to be familiar with everything she wore and I remembered how she looked in her different outfits. It was one of the many things I loved about her.

She approached the dresser, slipped out of her shoes and started to remove her earrings when I nestled up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. Not knowing how she would react, I knew I was taking a chance of her not responding or stopping me in my tracks. She didn't move, so I began kissing the back of her neck. She turned around and started kissing me with all the passion that was just waiting to be released after all the lost years.

My knees were weak as I succumbed to her feisty advances and started stepping backwards till I dropped down on the bed, her following and now falling on top of me. We rolled around in the covers and began undressing eachother. I didn't want to rush things as I wanted to relish each and every move as I undid her sexy black bra unleashing her magnificent breasts. Her nipples were already hard as I lowered my lips to suck on them. She started to moan as I clenched down ever so gently. The experience was familiar but seemed so brand new. We were different people now, but we were the same amorous couple we had been so many years ago.

After a few minutes concentrating on her breasts, she stopped me and stripped me naked from the waist down leaving me in only my short sleeved shirt. Rolling me over she began planting light kisses all over until she reached my backside. It drove me wild, as she knew just touching me there would bring me to orgasm. She knew what I liked and wanted to please me. I couldn't stop thinking that she really wanted me. I wasn't dreaming it and that we were in bed with one another, once again, finally!

I heard her get up and go to the fridge to get us both a drink. Lustfully I watched as she walked across the room totally naked on top. I sat up and slipped my shirt up over my head and jumped under the covers. She brought the drink over to the bedside and took off her slacks and panties. Snuggling up to me under the covers we continued our lovemaking, this time me making my way down between her legs wanting to please her. As we made passionate love to one another, I felt everything falling away. The years we haven't seen each other- the pain she caused me -- and the memories that have made me realize that time has gone by but it has not erased us.

That love session was probably the best sex we had ever had. I didn't want that night to end. It was magical and comforting to know she was back in my life once again. As I laid there while she slept, I realized the love that remains after the hurt has been emotionally washed away is a wonderful kind of affection based on our memories and shared experiences during the life we once had. But no matter what we do or how hard we try, we can never get those years back. They have just faded into nostalgia now and nothing else seems to matter anymore.

Hours had passed as we drifted off to sleep wrapped in each other's arms. Sometime before 6 AM I got up and gathered my clothing as I headed back to my room to catch a few more hours of sleep and a shower before having to attend the conference.

Arriving downstairs with probably the biggest smile on my face, I waited for her to get there, saving her a seat next to me in the auditorium. It was getting close to 9 and she didn't show up. I thought it was odd as she was always prompt when it came to appointments. Just before the lights went dim I went to the lobby phone and tried calling her room. She didn't answer. I had assumed she was on her way down and was just running a little late. In the back of my mind I thought for a fleeting second that something might be terribly wrong. I pushed the negativity from my brain and tried to focus on the positive. Telling myself that she would be showing up any minute now.

The lecturer had started speaking and the monitors had just closed the doors as I rushed back in to my seat, awaiting her arrival. It was obvious she wasn't coming. Doom and gloom came over me. When the lights went back on I frantically scanned the auditorium thinking she was seated somewhere in the back after arriving so late. I didn't see her.

I went out to the desk and told them my dilemma. They looked up her name on the computer and told me she had checked out about 8:00 AM that morning.

I was devastated. How could she possibly leave after all that had happened between us? It was like someone punched me in the stomach. I got weak in the knees and held onto the counter for support. Are you sure? I asked them wanting them to respond that they had made a mistake. Yes, we are sure. She checked out and left this note for you. I was stunned as they handed me the envelope. Fumbling to open it without tearing it, I read;

"Barb... Thank you for last night. It was truly amazing. Just know that I love you and that you will always hold a special place in my heart. I'm sorry if you thought our getting together would lead to us living happily ever after. That's only in fair tales. I am married now and live with a wonderful man who has made me very happy the last 10 years. Just remember you are a wonderful person and lover. Thank you for all the memories....Love, Di "

I had no words. No thoughts. No nothing. How could she? I loved her and hated her all in one moment's time. I knew there was something she wasn't telling me, but I had no idea it would be that she was married. How deceitful was all I could think.

This wasn't the same Diane I knew so long ago. She would never have 'cheated' on me when we were together. How could she spend the night with me and not think anything of what she was doing to the person that loved her back home?

Such a jerk I was to believe that she wanted to be with me again. I felt used. I felt cheap and most of all I felt the ache in my heart knowing that she would now be gone forever. No more hope for the future that we would ever be together again. I certainly will respect the fact that she is married now and therefore I need to let her go.