By Midnight

So, I know it's been a while since I posted something. Work and school are not being very nice to me. My plan is to be able to write on breaks so look for stories during the summer and winter. Most of this story is fiction. It shouldn't be too confusing when it comes to the dates because everything is pretty clearly marked. As always, feedback is appreciated. Enjoy!

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June 25, 2010

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"And by midnight, you'll be a distant memory

One that'll fade from me

And never come back.

And by midnight, I promise to go

And I'll never show

What you mean to me, anymore"

I put down the microphone and waited until the piano faded to nothing. I could hear the applause from the other side of the wall and it made me smile.

OVER THE INTERCOM: "Jess," my manager/best friend Lauren said, "that is the best that has ever sounded. I'm going to make sure this gets sent out to tons of agencies and you'll be sure to get signed."

"Thanks, Lo." I turned to look at the band. "Thanks, guys. It sounded really great." They all murmured their agreement and started to pack up. Once they were finished Lauren walked through the door and into the studio.

"Jess," she exclaimed, running over to hug me. Her red hair rested in a nice French braid on her pink blouse. The black skirt flitted in her wake and her black heels echoed within the studio. "I'm so happy for you. Everybody is going to love you! You're a double-threat: singer and songwriter. I just wish your parents were here to see this. "

All through middle and high school I was very involved with band and choir, and in all those years my parents never missed a concert. On the night of our Christmas show my junior year my parents were hit by a drunk driver. My mom died instantly, whereas my dad died later in surgery. My brother, who was 19 at the time, continued going to college so my grandma moved into our house to take care of me. She lived alone so it worked out better that way. She moved closer to the city and I continued going to the same high school.

I hugged her back. "I wish they were here too, but I've got great friends that show me the same love and support I know they would. And everybody's going to love me because you're such a great manager, Lo. Thanks for setting this up."

"You're welcome, sweetie. You know I'd do anything for you." She paused. "You know I also can't promise anything, right? Don't get me wrong, I love the song. I'm sure someone is going to want you. However, these things take time. Don't expect anything right away."

"This is what I love about you. You've been completely honest with me since the third grade," I laughed. She would always joke and say that if she didn't tell you the truth her eyes would. It was true, her emerald green eyes gave everything away.

She stood back and put her hands up in a 'what do you want from me' gesture. "That's what best friends are for, right?" She started to walk off. "I'll see you later at the rehearsal dinner, okay?"

"Um...about that," I started. She quickly whipped around to stare at me. "I'm not going."

"What," she exclaimed. "You have to go. You're the Maid of Honor for crying out loud! You can't just bow out."

I sighed. As much as I loved Lauren, I didn't know how to explain this to her. I wish I could've just fallen for her. I'm Jessica 'Jess' Carlisle, a plain Jane lesbian that had to go and fall in love with my best friend, Allison 'Allie' Dunlap. When I say plain Jane, I mean I'm totally average: long brown hair, brown eyes, average height and build, and a few freckles here and there. I'm going to be conceited for a second. I'm not hard to look at, there's just nothing spectacular about me. Now, with Allie, I'll admit I was shallow. In the eighth grade, when I first met her, her looks drew me in. She had long, soft brown hair; hazel eyes that occasionally changed color depending on her mood; the cutest dimples ever; she was a dancer so her body was in great shape and she had gorgeous, pouty lips. After I got to know her, I knew I liked her because of who she was. And over the years I fell more in love. Of course, the only problem that could arise, and did, is she's completely straight and I told her I loved her, five days before her wedding.

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June 22, 2010

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"Jess, what do you think," Allie questioned. "Should the flowers be on every row, or every other one? This is the last detail and then I can finally relax."

Allie's parents are rich and own a huge mansion with plenty of land. It only makes sense to have the wedding at their house. Hundreds of white foldable chairs were set up into rows surrounding the aisle. At the end, where Allie and her soon-to-be-husband Mark will stand, is a tiny gazebo that her dad had made that says 'Allie and Mark forever' on top. Under that is where they will be married, and it made me sick to my stomach.

I looked up from where I was sitting on the front row. "Well, Lauren and I will be carrying flowers; the gazebo is going to be wrapped in flowers; not to mention the flower girls that are going to be walking down the aisle. I think every other one would be good."

She sighed. "This is why I need you as my Maid of Honor. You're so good to me."

"If I was so good to you I would've convinced you to get a wedding planner. Five days before your wedding and you still had stuff to do," I muttered, getting up from the chair and laying down on the grass to look up at the sky.

She came and lay down next to me, placing her head on my shoulder. "You know you wouldn't have been able to convince me. I'm stubborn, and you love that about me. Plus, I knew I could get it all done with you helping me." As she said this she took one finger and stroked it down my nose. Just as she went to pull away I grabbed her hand and held onto it. She thought nothing of it seeing as how we had held hands like this before. It was her left hand so I looked at the ring that had been slipped on over a year ago. It was flashy. Three huge diamonds with smaller ones surrounding them, all incased by a flowing silver band. This was not Allie's style. She's so down to earth, and Mark, well, isn't.

I got up and walked over to the gazebo. Right behind it was a wooden floor that would serve as the dance floor, which stretched across the length of her backyard. Tables with white cloths surrounded it. There was a small stage just off to the side that would contain a live band, my live band. These were all the things we discussed that we wanted at our weddings. However, we did not discuss an ice sculpture of two interlocking swans (which is a stupid idea since it is June in the south). We did not discuss a huge chocolate fondue fountain. These were all things that Mark wanted to have to impress his friends.

I looked back at Allie lying on the ground. Her hair rustled in the gust of wind that came by also bringing up her white tank top a little bit. It was just enough to show off some of her flat, tan stomach. How I dream of kissing along that stomach as I run my hands along her sides. I let my eyes wonder down her legs, past her knee-length jean skirt, to rest on the scar running down her calf. I remember going to see her in the hospital after her surgery those three years ago. She was so happy to see me and in her groggy state I told her I loved her. Of course she didn't remember. I coughed as my throat went dry from looking at her.

"Are you okay," she asked, sitting up to look at me.

"I'm great," I mumbled. "My best friend is getting married in a few days. Of course I'm okay." Oh my God, Jess, I thought. Just shut up. You're rambling and she always knows something's wrong when you ramble.

She lies back down. "If you say so. You know you can tell me anything, right? Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean--"

"Are you sure you're happy," I blurted, staring at the ring on her finger.

She tuned sharply to look at me. "Where is this coming from?"

"I just want to be sure this is what you want," I lied.

She sat up again, looking at me. "Cut the bullshit, Jess. It's five days before my wedding and now you're bringing up doubts. What is this?"

I didn't say anything for a while because I was still trying to figure out why I was talking. I was supposed to be the supportive best friend but here I am spurting out unsupportive bullshit. "I...I just think you should really consider what you're doing," I finished.

"What are you talking about," she asked, incredulously.

I racked my brain to come up with even more bullshit. Anything to get me out of the mess I had already caused. "Think about it: you're going to be giving up the single life and you have to consult Mark before every decision you make."

She stared at me while shaking her head. I knew exactly what she was thinking: I was lying to her, which I was. "If those are the only two things that are going to change because I'm married I think I'll take my chances." She moved her hand to run her fingers through her hair before giving me an exasperated sigh. "Will you please just tell me what's wrong? No fucking around."

"He's not right for you," I exclaimed. "He's not going to make you nearly as happy as you should be."

"What are you talking about? He's the best person I've been with. He's the one for me. Who else is supposed to make me happy?"

"Me," I screamed at her. The words just kept coming. "I can make you happy. I can make you happier than he can."

She looked strangely at me. "What are you getting at?"

"I love you, Allie. I've been in love with you for eight years now. I love everything about you." I walked to her and crouched down to her level. She gave me a confused look before I took her hands in mine. "You're perfect. Nobody can compete with you. You're beautiful, smart, funny, and so down to earth. You help anyone that's in need, without questioning them. You don't let the fact that you come from money dictate your life. It doesn't determine who your friends are. I remember thinking how amazing you were in high school when you helped out with every charity event. Allie, Mark isn't like you. He's all about status and I've seen you get angry with him over it. Don't marry him. He's not good for you."

She sat stilled for a few moments just looking at me. Another gust of wind came by and some strands of hair flew in her face. I lifted one of my hands and pushed in behind her ear. "Say something."

"You've dated guys," she stuttered. "You can't be in love with me."

"In all the years we've known each other I dated one guy. It was junior year of high school. I was trying to forget about you and...I don't know make myself straight. He made me sick, Allie. All I could think about was you. It's always been you," I said with conviction.

"It's not you," she muttered, looking away. "It's Mark."

I just stared at her for a while. There's no way I could see this through. I just can't. "I can't," I said as I got up. "I can't see you marry him."

"What are you saying?" She scrambled to her feet. "Jess, you're still my best friend. I'm just not in love with you. I still want you in my wedding. I still want you as my Maid of Honor."

"Don't you understand," I screamed. "It kills me to see you with someone else. You want me to watch you swear to be with them forever? I can't do that. Lauren can step in as Maid of Honor and Mark's sister Joanna can be the bridesmaid. Joanna is the same size as me so giving her my dress won't be a problem. My band will still show up and sing, I just won't be there."

I made my way to my car fighting the tears that were beginning to fall. I had to get out of there. I couldn't look at her.

"Jess! Jess, get back here," she screamed.

I got in my car and pulled away, never looking back.

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June 25, 2010

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"It's complicated, Lo. I'm not in the wedding. You're the new Maid of Honor and Mark's sister is going to step in as a bridesmaid," I breathed, packing up my bag with my sheet music.

"Jess, what the hell happened? And you better have a damned good excuse." She folded her arms across her chest and gave me 'the look.' You all know the one I'm talking about. It's the look your mom gives you when she catches you with your hand in the cookie jar after she specifically told you not to get one.

"I'm gay," I sighed, looking at her. "I'm gay, Lo, and...I'm in love with Allie."

She gaped at me. "Geez, Jess. Why did you have to go fall in love with her? Of all the girls in the world, you pick Allie?"

She started pacing around the room mumbling to herself. What does she know, I thought. She hasn't had to deal with seeing the person she loves date...wait what? 'Of all the girls in the world...?'

"What do you mean, 'of all the girls in the world?' I just told you I'm gay AND in love with our best friend and all you can say is there are other girls."

She snorted. "I've known you were gay for a while now, Jess. We've been best friends since third grade. I can pick up on things."

"And you don't care," I questioned.

She came over and wrapped her arms around me. "Of course I don't care, sweetie. You're still the same Jess. You'll always be my best friend no matter what." She paused, contemplating her next statement.

"Go on, out with it," I prompted.

"Allie, sweetie? The straightest girl we know? I know, I know," she put up her hands to stop my protest. "You can't help who you fall in love with but this is never going to happen. You know that right?"

"I know it's not going to happen but I couldn't just let them get married without saying my piece. I needed her to know that I love her and I always will. And that after all these years, after all the heartbreaks she's been through, I can't watch her marry "the one." I can't handle that, Lauren. It'll just make things final and I'm not ready for that yet."

She sighed, taking me into her arms once again. "Okay, I get it. What exactly happened?"

I told her everything that happened yesterday and watched for her reactions. "I had to do it, Lo. I can't watch her declare to be with someone else for the rest of her life."

"I understand. Look, I've got a few things I have to do before the dinner tonight, so I've got to go." She started to walk off. "Jess, just think about what you're doing. I know it'll hurt you but have you thought about how much it will hurt Allie? Do you really want to lose your best friend over this? Think about it."

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I wasn't going to go to the rehearsal dinner. It was killing me to go and see her, but Lauren had a point. I didn't want to hurt her. So I decided I'll suffer so she's not. Of course I decided this at ten minutes 'til the dinner was supposed to start. I walked in, late, in strapless black dress causing everyone to look up at me.

"Sorry, traffic was terrible," I lied, walking up to Allie. She looked so incredible in her blue evening gown. I remember Lauren and I helping her pick that out. We were all so happy and laughing that day. I leaned in and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry I'm late," I whispered in her ear. "I'm also sorry for everything that happened. I'd love to still be your Maid of Honor if you'll have me."

She squeezed me back tight and kissed me on the cheek. "Thank you, Jess. Thank you so much. I can't do this without you."

Once we released each other I noticed everyone was still staring. "What? Have you all never seen best friends hug? Go back to eating," I scolded them good naturedly before taking my seat next to Lauren, in her green knee-length dress. She squeezed my knee when I sat down. I whispered, "Yeah, I know, you were right."

"I'm just glad you're here. Everyone kept asking me why you weren't here and I didn't know how to explain it to them. Obviously Allie didn't say anything about you quitting."

"So, Jessica, I was beginning to worry that we were going to need a replacement. I'm glad you made it," Victoria, Allie's mom, said. Victoria is a short, plump woman and tonight you could see her curves in a black and white pinstriped suit. I've never really liked her. I overheard her one time talking to her sister about me and how she doesn't see how anyone would date me (what a bitch, right?).

"You're kidding, right? This is my best friend's wedding. There's no way I would miss this," I said, mustering up my best 'I'm all for this' voice. "So, what did I miss?"

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The rest of the night went relatively uneventful; drinks were had; laughing ensued. Everyone had a great time. By the end of it all I was ready to go and mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. I walked over to where Allie was standing with her family and Lauren to say my goodbyes.

"I'm leaving, guys. I'll see all of you at, what, eight o'clock," I offered.

They all murmured their agreement and Allie spoke up. "I'll walk you out."

"Jess, I don't know how to thank you," she said when we reached my car. "I know this has to be hard for you and I wouldn't ask you to do this but--"

"Hey," I cupped her face in my hands. "I would do anything for you. It took me a few days to realize that I was being selfish and I'm sorry. I should have never tried to back out to begin with. I'm going to be there for you, standing by your side, 'til it's all over tomorrow and you walk away Allison Jefferies. I promise." I pulled her in for a hug and I could hear her sniffling.

"Thank you, Jess. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"You'll be the one in white, right," I joked.

She playfully slapped me on the shoulder. "Yeah, I will be. Goodnight."

I hopped in drove off. I didn't know how I was going to make it through, all I know is I have to. For her sake and for my sanity.

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June 26, 2010

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"Oh girls, doesn't Allie just look amazing," her mother gushed. We were in Allie's bedroom just minutes before her wedding was to begin.

As much as I didn't like her mother, I couldn't disagree. Allie looked absolutely stunning. She was wearing a white, strapless dress with intricate beaded designs and a train at least three feet behind her. Her hair was pulled up into a bun and the white veil, connected by a band with more beads, came down just above her bust. Her bouquet of roses, her favorite flower, was nestled tightly in her hands at her waist.

Lauren and I nodded our agreement.

"She looks amazing, Mrs. D," Lauren commented.

"Jess," Allie looked at me. "Does everything look okay?"

I knew she was just asking in a friendly way but I couldn't hide how I felt in my answer. "You're gorgeous, Allie."

Her face softened and she looked at me painfully. "Mom, Lauren, can I have a minute with Jess?"

"Of course," Lauren said, looking at the clock on the wall. "You need to be out in five minutes. I'll send your dad in for you."

They left leaving me to face her. "So," I started, "what do you want to talk about, Madame?" I quickly bowed as well as I could in my red dress. Usually when I called her 'Madame,' Allie would laugh. This time she didn't.

"Jess," she sighed. "You don't have to pretend to be happy. I know you're not."

"Hey, my best friend in the entire world is about to marry the one person she loves most. I'm happy for you," I said, walking over to the dresser and picking up a picture frame. It was one of us at the county fair during our sophomore year of high school. It was a staged photo in which she was pointing to her cheek like she was expecting a kiss, and I provided said kiss. I almost told her I loved her that night.

She came up behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders. "I'm sorry--"

"Don't," I cut her off. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

She turned me around to face her. "Yes, I do. My asking you to be here is selfish when I know it hurts you. I've been hurt by people that I loved and I know how terrible it is to have to be around them. I never meant to hurt you, Jess. You're my best friend and I love you." She was in the process of starting to cry.