You should probably just say no.
*
Author's Note
Before you go gettin' your panties all in a bunch, you should know this is not a serious lesbian sex story. It is simply a whimsical tale of an inter-species hook-up, after a misunderstanding brought about by some heavy recreational drug use. It should certainly not be construed that the author is condoning the use of drugs. Drugs are bad. Don't do drugs.
The events and characters in this story are fictitious. If you think you recognize anyone, you're probably more stoned than they are.
*
Recalculating. -- In one-quarter light year, turn back.
Recalculating. -- Take the next hyperspace exit, then turn back.
Excrement! Stupid Galactic Positioning System! I was lost again.
Probably didn't help that I did so many lines of nyborg this morning. Ah, who cares! Breakfast of champions. I'm on vacation, so what if I'm a little blasted. And it's not like I'm going to get myself busted way out here in the primitive western arm.
"Stupid GPS!" I muttered as I dug out a star chart and tried to get my bearings.
Let's see, that last exit was ... Excrement! I had no idea where I was.
Focus.
OK, I think I'm here. If so, that planet over there should be Theia. Theia's a nice place, I should be able to get something to eat there. Hmm, looks a little big to be Theia. What's the date on this chart? Oh, no wonder!
Must be Earth. What a dump.
I would have passed it by, except I was majorly blasted and had a serious case of the munchies. I was hoping maybe I could find some small rodents or something. I wasn't too picky at this point. Oh, why didn't I pack any snacks?
As I exited hyperspace, I let the ship's computer choose a suitable camouflage for the exterior. Looks like this really is a primitive dump, the ship had reconfigured itself to have wheels. I'm starving and I have to rely on millennias-old technology to get around. Highway 183, the sign read. Hmm.
Excrement!
Got to focus, I almost ran it over.
Roadkill is not my thing, I prefer my meals live and still squirming. From the look of it, I was really going to need to unhinge my jaw for this one, but hey, I had a serious case of the munchies going on here.
"Can I give you a ride somewhere?" I asked.
"Well hello, darlin'! I'd be much obliged if y'all did!" it answered. Well thank the creator for small miracles! -- at least the universal translator was functioning. Though I had a tough time making out what it was saying. Must be the nyborg.
"Where are you headed?"
"Well, sugar," it said, "I just dropped out of college, so I guess I'm headed back to the trailer park. Nowhere else to go really."
"College," I said. "Is that anything like hyperspace?"
It giggled. "I s'pose so."
Ah, the computer was finally catching up on its analysis of speech patterns. "Human female, approximately nineteen Earth years of age," the display read. That was fortunate, she should still be quite tender and easy to digest.
"Hop in."
"Wow! This sure is a fancy RV you got here!"
"You have no idea."
"Love your mohawk, darlin'!"
"It is a crest," I corrected. She frowned a bit.
"Hey, there's a 7-Eleven coming up. You hungry at all?"
"Yes, very," I answered looking her up and down.
"You like what you see, sugar?" she responded, running her hands over her body.
"Yes. You look delicious."
"Well hold your horses, darlin' We can get to that later," she grinned. "First, take a right at this next crossroad."
Interesting. I'd never encountered prey that actually seemed happy about being consumed. Maybe Earth was not so bad after all.
"Be right back!" she said as I pulled to a stop.
"I cannot wait."
The Earth girl came back with her arms full. "I didn't know what y'all wanted, so I got a little of everything. Candy bars, tater chips, beef sticks, and a couple a Big Gulps. Any of that sound good?"
"Yes," I said and shot my tongue out to grab what she had called a beef stick. Normally I would be a little less conspicuous, but I had some serious munchies, and it's not like it was going to be that long until the main course, I thought as I pulled back onto the main road.
"That's some tongue y'all got there sugar!" she exclaimed. "I bet you never have any trouble gettin' a girlfriend!"
"No, I have never had any trouble attracting a mate. But I think you are confused. I am the female of my species."
She looked at me kind of sideways for a minute. "Huh," she said. "Sorry, it's just that you ain't got much for tits, and there's the mohawk, so I just figured ..."
"I have no need to nurse my young. I bury my eggs in the sand." I explained. "And it is not a mohawk, it is a crest. It helps to regulate my body temperature."
"Hmm," was all she said, sounding slightly hurt.
"This brown liquid is amazing, what did you say it was?"
"Coke."
"I think I like Coke. Have you ever tried nyborg?"
"Can't say I have. Is it good?"
"It is out of this world," I said.
"Do you drink it like Coke?"
"No, you snort it -- like coke. Want to try? I need another blast myself."
"Sure, honey, I'll try anything once," she giggled.
I got up and went to the back to find my stash. I took a beef stick with me. Those things were amazing!
"Hey sugar, who's gonna drive the RV while y'all are back there?"
"Auto-pilot."
"Fancy!"
"You have no idea."
Found it! I clutched my stash lovingly in my hand as I made my way back to the cockpit. I had never gotten my prey blasted before. Well, I had to admit, she was kind of fun, and I'd love to see what she was like after a few lines.
I proudly held up the bag. "Let the good times roll!" I exclaimed and laid out six lines. I didn't know if she could handle three, but if not, I'd be more than happy to take care of them for her. I exhaled and laid my nostrils against the glass.
Snorrrt!
