Here's the thing: Susan was just a couple of years older than me, but she seemed so much wiser, so much more together than I was, that it was hard for me not to want to impress her, and to be horrified when something went wrong and she found out about it. I didn't want her to think badly about me, or think I was helpless. So, yeah, catching me masturbating was a little awkward.
But having her catch me masturbating, then getting my vibrator stuck in my vag, and needing her help to try and pull it out? That's embarrassing.
And that I had actually lost control and come while she was trying to wriggle it free? And that I'd ejaculated, for the first time, all over her? I was soaked, shaking, wondering where I'd put my pants, and about to burst into tears.
Susan had just tossed me a towel and said "Sorry to barge in. I just came back for a book, and... well, that was kind of amazing. But I'll, uh... just..."
And then she took her book and left.
Later that night, when she got back, I felt anxious again. I was pretty sure she wouldn't think less of me, but I was still ashamed. You're not really supposed to masturbate at, or on, your roommate. I wanted to apologize in case I'd made her uncomfortable, but I didn't want to bring it up. I decided it was best to pretend it hadn't happened.
I didn't mention it, she didn't mention it. I hid the vibrator at the bottom of my bedside drawer and didn't pull it out again. OK, once or twice. But only when I knew Susan was gone. And I locked the door. I wasn't quite able to make myself ejaculate again, which I felt was a mixed blessing: It had been kind of cool, but it also seemed incredibly messy, and I didn't want to spend a half-hour drying off the carpet. I wondered if that was what boys felt like, and recalled all the jokes about dirty socks.
Ew.
Anyway: Susan and I spent the next week pretending nothing had happened. Which seemed to be a pretty good idea.
And then, at dinner, she said "Hey, can you do me a favor? You can say no if you want."
I was expecting to hear "quit fucking yourself in the middle of the bedroom," I guess, but eager to make it up to her for putting her in an awkward spot, I agreed.
"For certification we need to perform a certain number of massages on different volunteers, and I was wondering if I could work on you."
I began to laugh. "Wait, you want to rub MY back, and count it as a favor TO you?"
"Well, deep tissue massage can be uncomfortable at times, and it can unleash emotions. I know that sounds hokey, but the other day in workshop one of the girls just burst into tears when I started working on her trapezius. I thought I'd hurt her, but apparently it just triggered some sort of submerged sadness."
"Are you kidding?."
"No!"
"Well, I'm willing to take that risk."
"You're on!"
She asked me to pretend to be a patient, so we did a whole first-visit procedure: I filled out a form (my shoulders and lower back get sore, I'm not on any medications, I'm not pregnant) and then she left the room while I undressed and lay on her fold-up massage table. She'd said I could leave my underwear on if I wanted, but given that she'd already seen me totally buck naked once, I figured it wouldn't make a difference.
At first, it was amazingly relaxing. Then, she kneaded deep into my thigh and back muscles, uncomfortably and almost painfully, and I groaned a bit. She also did some stretching exercises with me, pulling my leg forward toward my chest, and out to the side. I worried a little that she'd see my crotch again, but then I reminded myself she'd already seen it. And besides, she's a massage therapist. That's what they do: work on people's bodies. Sure, I was under a sheet for modesty, but you know they have to pull it aside to work on different parts of you, right? So, she was leaning in towards my uncovered vulva. Whatever. We're professionals here, right?
Then she came around to my head, and worked her fists under my shoulders. I wondered if I would get sad and cry like the other girl in her class. I didn't think so. I mean, that's hippie stuff.
And sure enough, I didn't cry. What I did get was wet. Incredibly, amazingly, all over again. Like when I'd been in the store too ashamed to describe the way I masturbated. Like when I had switched the toy on for the first time, rubbed it against my pussy, getting wetter and wetter until I was ready to put it inside me. I felt myself blushing and hoped Susan couldn't tell.
I groaned again. She said "Does that hurt?"
"No...."
"OK, let me know if it does."
Well, at least she couldn't tell. I let her keep going. Every time she pushed against my neck or rubbed at the muscles under my shoulder blades it was like pulling on a tendon attached directly to my crotch. I gritted my teeth and just hoped I wouldn't soak through the sheet, or start grinding away at the table.
I was concentrating on not moving when she came back to the foot of the table, and lifted my leg, and said "I knew it turned you on! I knew it!"
I tried to sit up, but with my leg in that position, on a wobbly table, naked, I just couldn't move.
"What? No! I... "