Robert's funeral took place on a cloudy Tuesday morning. The sky threatened rain, making the day seem every bit as dreary as my soul. It was a constant struggle for me to get through each successive minute of the day with my heart aching at his loss. At the same time, my temper threatened to rage at him for having closed me out of the final month of his life. It seemed a horrible betrayal by a man I'd thought would love me until his last breath.
Without Rachel and Claire being there for me in the days immediately following Robert's death, I wouldn't have made it. Their support had been constant and unwavering throughout all the proceeding days. Neither of them had hardly left my side since the moment I'd returned from sitting before the council. From the moment they'd revived me, they'd both struggled to meet my needs and answer as many of my questions as possible. If they didn't know the answer, they found somebody that did, even if they had to wake them up. They were both relentless that first night in seeing to it that nothing stood in my way of knowing what happened.
Much to my dismay, we learned Robert had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure six months before having himself admitted into private care. Only it hadn't been a nursing home as he'd told Richard and Claire, but a private hospice. His health and the stress his long-term pain medicines had placed on his body finally killed him. His organs had just started shutting down, one by one. Robert had known he was dying and had gone to great lengths to shut me out. Yes, he'd done it out of some misguided attempt to save me the angst and suffering of having to watch. Still, I found myself resenting him for it rather than feeling grateful. At a time when I should have been holding his hand and thanking him for the beautiful life, we'd had together. I was off engaging in a new romance. I felt rotten in my core over it and struggled with guilt that was threatening to consume me.
Claire, with Lacey and Rachel's support, had contacted the boys and broke the news for me. Ryan had hopped on the first plane he could find to be with me. On the other hand, Richard had assured his former wife that he would be there to handle the arrangements. The implication being that only he loved his father enough to see to it, Robert was laid to rest appropriately.
I hadn't seen Ryan since before all this started. Usually, the burden of having to explain things to him would have weighed on me like a millstone. But I was so lost in my own world of emotion that it never occurred to me to justify why I was living with Rachel. I was so numb to the external things happening around me that I would find myself coming to in certain moments wondering what all the commotion was.
Rachel and Claire, my two protectors, did their very best to insulate me from too much interaction with well-wishers. They kept things at the public viewing as concise as possible for me. I was far too fragile by that point for any protracted affairs.
The private viewing for family and friends was trying but strangely enough, more comfortable for me to handle. Richard was surprisingly friendly to everyone, though he did avoid Claire and Lacey with a fervor. Perhaps it was in some way related to any potential inheritance he was still hoping for. Yet, being a mother, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Even if his past behavior hadn't really earned him one.
Ryan was an angel and never left my side from the time he'd showed up. Claire and Rachel had pulled him to the side when he'd arrived and explained mine and Rachel's relationship. They showed him the letter his father had written to me when he'd first disappeared from my life. He'd apparently already been apprised of the situation by Richard in none too favorable language. His only words to me on the subject were to tell me he loved me and wanted me to be happy, whatever that took.
Our closest friends among the D/s community came to pay their respects. They'd really become family to me in a lot of ways. We were a group that could depend on each other when life got hard, regardless of the reason. To me, nothing signified family more. I remember vaguely watching as Rachel took Ryan around and introduced him to a half dozen Mistresses and their subs that had been able to attend. Of course, none of the other guests knew of the particulars of their relationships. They just saw several lesbian couples and assumed it had to do with my sudden, and I'm sure to some, somewhat disgraceful new relationship.
My sister Mary was supportive, though she was, without a doubt, surprised by the changes in my life. We found a moment alone in a quiet room for me to explain what led to my being with Rachel. As always, Mary seemed to get what I was feeling without having to inundate me with questions. She'd always been the wilder of my siblings and my partner in crime when we were younger, so that didn't really surprise me.
On the other hand, my brothers were clearly not comfortable with the decisions I'd made regarding my future. They were cordial and respectful but showed no inclination to try and really accept my new relationship. That was okay with me. They'd all been several years older than Mary and I, and neither of us had grown up particularly close with them.
The graveside service was kept simple at Robert's request. There were a few words said by a priest, and then a poem by Rudyard Kipling was read about perseverance. Robert had requested it, and its message resonated with me and brought me a moment's peace. I began to cry as they lowered him down into the ground, the magnitude of the moment overwhelming me. Ryan, Claire, and lovely Rachel quietly whisked me away before they began to cover his casket. They seem to realize I was at the end of what I could handle, for which I was utterly grateful.
The next week went by in a blur. Richard stayed long enough for the reading of his father's will. Ryan was left a substantial amount of money to, as Robert put it, live his dreams. A trust was set up for both of our granddaughters, ensuring their education would be fully funded. Robert left the world, knowing neither would ever have to worry about repaying student loans.
The remainder of the estate was left to me, much to my eldest son's chagrin. When he later asked me about it, I told him that his inheritance had gone to his daughters. Because, in the end, Robert had doubted his commitment to his family and their care. So he'd stepped in to ensure it.
Once things had settled down, and it was just Rachel and me, I found myself vacillating between grief and anger. Piece stopped by to talk with me and try to help me through what I was feeling. She helped me put into perspective some of the things that were eating at me. Still, I didn't really find comfort until a letter from Robert arrived two weeks after the funeral. It had apparently been misplaced in the hours following his death. It was rediscovered when a nurse was going through the mass of things that had accumulated at her station. She'd immediately recognized it and had gone to the bereavement staff to see to it that it was mailed.
I'd been at home alone. Rachel had resumed teaching her exercise classes after I'd assured her that I would be fine by myself. I wasn't really ready to return to being in public. My emotions were still feeling a bit raw, and Piece had suggested that I take it slow in easing back into my day to day routine. She'd advised me that those that rush back into things frequently suffered setbacks that ultimately slowed their grieving process.
I'd just settled down onto the couch when my cell rang. I saw that it was Claire and figured she was calling to check in on how I was doing. She always checked in during the day once or twice as did Rachel and even Lacey.
"Hey, Mom," she said when I answered the phone, "I just wanted to make sure you were home. I need to stop by for a minute. I got something in the mail for you and need to get it to you."
"We'll see each other on Friday night," I assured her. "You can just give it to me then, that's fine."
There was a pause on the other end of the line. I heard Claire sigh and then say, "I need to bring it by now, Mom. I got a call late yesterday evening from the hospice Dad was at. They were calling to tell me to expect a package from them. They... they said it contained a letter from Dad that had gotten misplaced in the shuffle following his death, a letter to you."
