It had been a year since I'd seen her...months since we'd last spoken. When she walked up to me in the lobby of the hotel where our convention was being held all those feelings rushed back to me in an instant. The heat growing through my body. I tugged at my clothes and patted my hair as I watched her walk towards me with that easy gait. Her strides long and confident. Her clothing all black, just like always. Even her hair was so dark it appeared black. I recalled a conversation years ago when we'd first met...she'd explained why she always wore black. She felt more confident in it because it hid imperfections.
I laughed a little to myself...as if she could have any imperfections. I was somewhat taken aback by that fleeting thought. Apparently those old feelings were still there. That familiar fire I'd had for her for nearly 6 years. That blaze that extinguished any relationships I'd attempted with other women through the years. Always squelching them and our relationships because they couldn't stand up to her perfection.
She had haunted me from the very beginning. The first time we met, my heart was hers. I knew it was the same for her...and she freely admitted it was true. Although, she refused to even attempt to settle down with anyone. She had fling after fling with woman after woman. Breaking hearts left and right as she went. The torch she had for me was blazing...but she was wary of settling down. She could never wrap her brain around only having that one person for the rest of her life. Yet, she was miserable on a daily basis because of her constant parade of women.
She was nearly finished winding her way through the lobby...I could feel the electricity growing the closer she came to me. I patted at my hair again and hoped I looked better than the last time she saw me. I wanted her to remember this time above them all. She was nearly in front of me. I turned toward her and smiled softly at her. Her eyes lit up as she stopped inches from my body.
She was just a bit taller than me. Enough that when she was close I had to tip my head back to smile at her. I knew she loved that...it gave her a feeling of power. I tipped my head back to look up into her eyes. I smiled slowly and waited a moment before quietly saying 'hello Jes...it's been a long time. How have you been?' My heart was beating so hard I was sure she could see it coming through my chest. My nonchalance threw her off only for a moment. With us, it was always a cat and mouse game...she just wasn't used to being the mouse.
She seemed almost nervous as she stepped back just a tiny bit. It took her a moment before she stopped grinning at me and said 'don't I get a hug after all this time?!' I tipped my head to the side as if I had to think about it. She already knew I was going to take this bait...but it was still fun to play the game. She opened her arms and I gratefully fell into them, inhaling her scent and wrapping my arms around her waist.
Her arms were around my upper body. She always hugged me up high like that. I knew why...she loved my hair. Full of curls...so soft and bouncy. While hugging me she always managed to slide one hand under my hair and to the back of my neck. She would run her fingers through those curls once or twice. I loved it. The hair on my arms stood on end and I closed my eyes and sighed happily. Why couldn't she just settle down with me? How can it feel this perfect to me even when I know I can't be with her?
We finally broke the hug...remembering we were at a function for the company and not a personal reunion. Although...that personal reunion wouldn't be too much later. We chatted nervously about our lives. Catching each other up. She had just split up with a woman she'd been seeing for a month. It had been 3 months since I'd ended my last doomed relationship. I felt myself relax when I realized we were both single. I always hated hearing that she was with someone and how well it happened to be going. I knew better...I knew that she was just like me. Each relationship was doomed from the beginning because of how we felt towards each other. Even so, I hated hearing that someone else had her when I could not.
I had made up my mind before coming to the convention that if those sparks were still there after this many years...if those sparks were still there after going months at a time without speaking...if those sparks were still there after never having gone further than kissing each other-I was either leaving with her, or I was leaving and never going to see her again. Anything else was far too painful to deal with anymore. She was the love of my life and I was tired of being unhappy without her.
Time had played a big factor in my decision. We were both getting older and I was ready to settle down. If she was not ready by now, then she never would be and that was something I was preparing myself for...just in case. I wasn't sure where my courage was coming from, but I knew from the bottom of my being that this reunion was going to be different. I had a feeling that when I left here, I'd have my happiness.
We spent the rest of the day together. Visiting the required lectures and chatting over lunch in the hotel's dining room. I was amazed at how easily we picked up our relationship where we left it off. We have been doing this on again, off again dance routine for so long...I guess I shouldn't be shocked that by now it comes easily, although I always was.
Towards the end of the afternoon we began discussing dinner plans. She inquired as to whether I had dinner plans or would I care to join her. She didn't need to ask me to know what I was going to say but I had the feeling she was stepping carefully. She had an air of secrecy about her this time that I had never noticed before. Perhaps she had a plan of her own in store for me.
