As I Want You to Be

Author's Note: I apologize as always for the wait. Real life has been keeping me from my writing desk. I'd also like to apologize in advance for the self-indulgent teen-fantasy shopping trip that takes up the first page and would never pass an abridgment. Feel free to skip ahead if you like.

*****

After deflowering her, Mia hung out with LJ for the rest of the day in a friendly and cuddly way on the couch. They finished watching the movie and queued up another two. Mia felt a little guilty and uneasy about bringing her through a milestone that was so very personal and important, but the young dyke had really needed someone kind and comfortable to help her through it, so...

"Hmm," LJ flicked through the Netflix options, notably less tense and foreboding than she'd been for the last few days. "Maybe a scary movie? This one doesn't look too corny."

Mia patted LJ's knee and kissed her cheek. "I have to work tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. But you feel free to stay up and scare the shit out of yourself if you like."

"I think I will." LJ smiled back, but waited until Mia was safely away before turning on the live action "Beauty and the Beast," a movie she wouldn't admit liking to anyone.

She rewatched the fun musical film raptly, but then fell asleep on Mia's couch to some forgettable horror flick.

Mia left before she woke, so LJ fixed herself breakfast and told herself sternly that she should head to the gym. But the unmotivated teen ended up putting on her standard outfit outside of school - an old pair of oversized jeans and a button down flannel shirt over a white wifebeater - and playing around on Reddit instead.

The front door opened, and LJ looked up in surprise the see her other benefactress brazenly walking through.

"What the fuck are you wearing, Puppy?" The always blunt Kay asked directly, wearing well-fitted jeans, thin heeled leather boots, a green blouse, and her cut leather jacket herself. "I thought I set you up with some wardrobe money? Didn't you go shopping?"

"I bought some new clothes online, but I'm not really a 'shopping' person," LJ returned, somewhat flummoxed. "You're here?"

"I would appear to be here at the moment," The sarcastic redhead answered cheerfully as she glanced down at an incoming text on her surprisingly low-end phone. "And Mia won't be here for a few hours at least. So come on then. Show me to your trousseau."

"My what?" LJ stood and glanced about in understandable confusion.

"Your clothes, silly little butch girl." Kay took LJ's arm and led her to the girl's closet, as natural and easy as anything.

LJ hesitated in opening the door and letting the sophisticated Kay see her wardrobe. She had 'bought some stuff.' That was true. But she'd mainly purchased underwear and athletic wear. Cringing a little in teen embarrassment, LJ turned the knob and pulled.

"Okay. Mostly gym clothes. Understandable," Kay examined the range of options and opted to be cruel to be kind, "But your regular clothes are so dull and, you know, plaid-y. Why do you have so much flannel? And all baggy pants? Have you seen you?"

"I'm more comfortable in those," she admitted plaintively, but LJ had been right to cringe. Her wardrobe was truly cringe worthy.

"Hmph." Kay was not impressed. "These are nice." She'd opened a drawer and pulled out the remaining two pairs of silky boxers in the three pack LJ bought online. "But not many girls will ever see them if you cover them with hooligan-wear over a wifebeater."

"Wifebeaters are revealing." LJ defended, half-heartedly.

"Yes, but the ribbing and the cut are all wrong for you. It's important to know what works best on your body and sells your attitude and intentions." Kay took LJ's chin in hand and turned the teen dyke to look her in the face. "You know you can be androgynous and hot as fuck too, right?"

LJ kinda forgot to respond to the sincere compliment as she experienced a mild hypnosis. Kay's flashing green eyes had that effect on girls.

Kay, well aware of how she affected LJ, held the girl's gaze and let the lesson sink in.

"Okay," LJ agreed, but felt like it was a stupid response for the many seconds she took to form it.

"Alright, then." Kay decided merrily, "Let's go shopping. There must be some decent stores in this town."

"Right now?"

"Right now. Here, wear..." Kay flipped through the hangers. "All of these are terrible. Just wear the hot boxers and whatever over them. I'm gonna throw some of these dregs out while you change."

LJ hurried, not because she believed Kay would really throw away her clothes, but because a shopping trip excited her for the first time in her young life. She picked a pair of baggy pants, because that was really all she had, but paired them with a gray track tee shirt from freshman year that she thought might be more fitted.

They set off in Kay's car, a black-on-black Jaguar coupe. LJ kept running her hands over the leather seats and playing with the impressive sound system.

She glanced over at her driver for the day. Kay is tall and gorgeous, with long flowing red hair and an easy commanding presence. LJ's girl crush on her had by no means abated in the weeks since their first meeting.

Kay winked at her and LJ realized she'd been staring.

"My style's not that bad?" Wanting to change the unspoken subject, LJ foolishly reopened the fashion conversation.

"It really is." Kay patted LJ's knee affectionately, but her tone conveyed serious disapproval.

LJ silently failed to think of either a good defense for her clothing choices or a snappy rejoinder.

"Alright." Kay trotted out some of her more basic lawyer rhetoric. "Do you get hit on at the gym?"

"Yeah. Sometimes." LJ didn't want to sound like she was bragging, but it was a rare week that one woman or another didn't flirt with her at the gym.

"Do you get hit on

anywhere

else?" Kay made her point and tossed a soft insult. "Wearing your Seattle circa 1994 grunge clothes?"

"No, I guess not," LJ saw the reason in that, "but I don't go anywhere else really."

"You shouldn't undervalue the certain fact that your confidence is undoubtedly higher at the gym either, in addition to your wearing clothes that showcase you physically. Confidence is often very sexy," Kay undercut her own argument, then continued more gently, "Why aren't you out and about at other places beyond the gym, though? You're eighteen. You should be going out as much as your GPA can withstand."

"I don't know. There's nowhere to go? They wouldn't even let me in the only part-time girl bar in town."

Kay snorted, "You do realize that you're allowed to go to places other than those specifically designated for lesbians, don't you? Concerts, amusement parks, mini-golf?"

"Yeah, I know," LJ smiled, then frowned, "But I don't have any friends at school and it's hard to meet people outside of high school to go to those kind of things with." The shy-in-spots butch didn't add that she wouldn't go do any of those things by herself.

"Why don't you have friends at school, Kiddo?" Kay returned LJ's frown and patted her thigh, taking her eyes off the road for a moment to catch the baby dyke's facial response.

"Before everyone found out I was gay, I didn't want to get too close to people I'd have to lie to. Now I worry that girls will think I'm hitting on them and that guys would, would..."

"Be trying to prove that they could even get a lesbian in bed?" Kay supplied and nodded. "Some guys would. And some girls would just assume that you're that way too, that you're trying to prove you could 'score' a straight girl. But there are decent folks of all genders out there too. Don't close yourself off to life just because some people are dirtbags and some people might be afraid you're a dirtbag."

(Realizing her mistake too late, Kay got the song "Teenage Dirtbag" stuck in her own head.)

"You're right," LJ agreed, but continued to rationalize her hermitage, "I'm in my last semester of senior year though, so I don't necessarily want to make school friends now."

"Fair enough. You could go to college events now instead, since you've a scholarship to go this autumn anyway," Kay suggested helpfully. "Sporting matches, poetry slams, whatever you're into."

"Yeah," LJ nodded. "I can even start classes this summer if I want, but I was going to get a job so I can afford a motorcycle and stuff."

"Start classes as soon as possible. Decreasing the timeframe for you to be qualified for a high paying job is important. You can make do without 'stuff' for a summer," Kay quietly ordered and LJ tacitly accepted, "especially if your whole life is athletics and school. Which it shouldn't be. Not entirely."

LJ looked at her idol with hurt hazel eyes, "Why? Isn't it good to be focused on school and athletics?" She'd accepted universal praise from all past authority figures for her devotion to both, even if she excelled far more at sports than academics.

"Yes, but not necessarily so far past the point of diminishing returns," Kay reasoned that maybe not all the young dyke's time was spent in pursuing her scholastic and academic careers anyway. Rightly, since she'd spent most of her weekend to that point playing around on Reddit and watching movies. "And I hate to be a bad influence here, but at eighteen, I was wherever the party was, if I had free time."

"Really?" Somehow, Kay seemed responsible and businesslike to the impressionable teen, even while fucking Mia six ways to Sunday.

"Yeah," Kay proceeded to tell a few stories (partially edited so as not be too much of a bad influence) largely about sex in numerous venues at the beginning, middle, or end of a fun night. Or day.

"You did all that, but you still got through college and got a good job and everything?" LJ honestly wanted advice on success.

"Yes, but at a chosen cost. People will talk to you about the importance of work/life balance and they won't be wrong per se, but I succeeded through prioritization of some of life's aspects and elimination of others." Kay got very honest herself. "I didn't allow myself any entanglements outside of my academic career and some dear friends. No dating, no family, no pets. I took shitty and servile jobs, applied for every scholarship no matter how demeaning, lived in crummy shared apartments, and only ate and drank well when in the company of generous women. But, I had a goal that I was determined to reach."

"Cool." LJ didn't yet understand how life in the real world would pull her in various directions or appreciate the sacrifices she'd ultimately make. "And you got to have sex at the Puyallup fair?"

Kay laughed at LJ's teen takeaway and blasted Wallpaper's "Best Song Everrr" nostalgically on her custom Meridian audio system.

They arrived at the town mall, which was functionally the county mall to all extents and purposes in that area of rural Oregon. LJ expected to be taken to one of the large department stores, but Kay walked her straight to the outdoorsman shop instead.

"Here, try these." Kay deftly selected a pair of Northface tan cargo pants in LJ's slim size.

"These are baggy pants!" LJ objected stridently. "You said I needed to stop wearing baggy pants?!"

"No. They're cargo pants, but with a fitted seat," Kay corrected with a laugh. "You thought I was going to put you in a pair of tight yoga pants? Or a mini-skirt? You're still going to be you, LJ. Just you in pants that make your ass look good," Kay smiled reassuringly.

LJ tried them on, pouting at first, but they really did make her ass look good. The thinner material hugged her cheeks in a way that wasn't slutty or obvious, but definitely showed her off.

"You like 'em?" Kay stood by the changing room door like a sales attendant.

"Yeah. I really do." LJ stepped out and turned this way and that in the three way mirror.

"Good. Here," Kay handed her the same pair in olive, navy, khaki, and black. "take these too."

"They're all the same though?" LJ questioned.

"Firstly," Kay handed down a life lesson, "if you find pants that you like and look good on you, get 'em in every neutral color so you'll have them in stock. Plus, I'm guessing you also eschew purses as a rule?"

"Yes." LJ disliked purses, but it only just occurred to her that Kay didn't carry one either.

"Then you'll need to maintain a pocket system." Kay opened her leather jacket and showed LJ the series of pockets sewn into the lining on each side. LJ didn't notice that most of the larger bulges were sextoys. "And cargo pants are perfect for that, so get pairs in a couple more different styles. Then we'll find you some good tank tops."

LJ obediently tried on and chose more pants and then followed the bustling redhead over to the shirts racks.

"The material of a wifebeater isn't ideal on you and it's an awkward garment to wear without an overshirt. But you also don't want a blousy muscle tank that hides your abs and waist and won't show off the curve of your neck meeting your shoulders." Kay held a sky blue tank with navy piping in front of the girl, who continued to blush with each suggestion from Kay that she was or could be sexy. "A complementary colored racerback tank will set off your tanned skin and show off your defined arms and abs. Wear them under a jacket that you can take off at a table or when you sit down in class."

They picked out a mix of tank tops and then a few hooded light rainproof jackets. Kay waved off LJ's polite offer to try to pay. "I love dressing up pretty girls in flattering clothes. Now, let's find you something to wear in case you need to go somewhere nicer than a coffee shop."

Kay led LJ to a dressier shop and helped her select slacks, shirts, and jackets in men's styles and women's cuts. None designer, but all very sleek and conservative. "Do you own any shoes that aren't tennis?"

"Flip flops?"

"Yeah, burn those," Kay didn't entirely joke. "C'mon. There's a shoe store across the way."

For the first time that day, Kay directed LJ to menswear and, after trying several, she choose a pair of wingtips and some dress socks that would match her new clothes. And then some black motorcycle boots to make her feel badass.

LJ tried on waterproof low hiking boots next. Right as she yanked her heel into a pair that we're a bit too small, a few uppercrust girls from her high school turned the corner from women's shoes to see her shopping with her mentor.

"Leslie? Leslie Flowers, are you buying men's shoes?" One of them asked while the others giggled. LJ looked at the floor beneath their feet, wishing they'd go away.

"Yes," Kay smilingly answered for LJ, instantly flashing back to her own high school self and how the blue-blooded girls had treated her. "And what's your name, dear?"

"Miranda," The shallow girl offered her name to Kay more politely, since she was a well dressed and feminine stranger.

"Very pretty name," Kay opened with a compliment before she sliced deep, but her voice and manner remained pleasant throughout. "Now, Miranda, we're having a rather enjoyable shopping trip here. So why don't you fuck off and go annoy someone else?"

The interloping girls shared a confused look at the incongruent tone and sentiment. The Miranda girl had difficulty conceiving of the basis for the response, "Whaaa?"

"Scurry away, you irksome little twit," Realizing she was speaking to high school girls and showing a modicum of restraint, Kay edited down the 'a' in the word 'twit.' Her commanding tone and dismissive gesture were powerfully authoritative, however, and the amadelpheous catty girls quickly left.

LJ and Kay shared a smile, and Kay gave into the social urge to act the apologist. "Believe it or not, I may have a greater ingrained dislike for those girls than you do."

"Um...aren't you, you know, one of them?" LJ posited. Kay's distinguishing herself from the other traditionally beautiful women confused the baby butch. For her, all pretty popular girls were 'them.' And 'they' were attractive and scary at once.

"Bite your tongue," Kay shook her head and snorted, counting herself contumaciously amongst the Four Million and not the Four Hundred. "'One of them.'"

They went back to joshing and laughing. By the time they got to the food court for dinner, Kay had also talked young LJ into a half-dozen pairs of carpenter jeans, four leather jackets, a winter coat with gloves, a beanie, and snow boots, some masculine silver jewelry, and a few pairs of sunglasses.

Each had already wolfed down most of their cheeseburgers, curly fries, and milkshakes, when Kay noticed a rather obvious LJ continuously glancing back and forth between her shabby outfit and the stylish new clothes in numerous bags by the table.

"Go on then, Puppy. Grab your new favorites and go change in the restroom over there," Kay chuckled indulgently. "I'll guard the table."

LJ grabbed the first tan cargo pants she'd tried on, a hunter green racerback tank with matching tan piping, and a burnished burnt umber moto leather jacket with a round snap collar. Then she scampered off to quickly change in the bathroom.

The jacket fit nicely over her shoulders and tapered to her trim waist, the pants hugged her ass while flattering her slim hips, and the green tank made her hazel eyes and tan skin pop. She tossed and teased her shaggy brown hair, grinned, and prudently fought the urge to leave her old clothes in the trash bin.

"Nice," Kay nodded approvingly as her young friend returned to the table. "You look good, Kiddo. And you should have enough separates and accessories to form the basis of proper wardrobe. Just add to them as you find 'must haves' you like."

"Thanks." LJ preened, missing the second half of what Kay said in her spurt of self-satisfaction.

"Alright, pack up the rest of your food and let's go. I'm on my way out of town, but I'll drop you at Mia's with all your stuff first."

A series of rockish pop songs played in the Jaguar on the ride back. LJ pensively considered her future.

Kay was right. Being at school on an athletic scholarship, she would always be one snapped achilles or one roster cut away from losing her free tuition, books, and dorm. She ought to pursue her education as swiftly and doggedly as possible.

She really wanted that motorcycle though.

"This is your stop, Puppy," Kay interrupted the preoccupied teen. "Let's get all these bags inside." Between the two of them, they managed to carry all the many shopping bags in one trip from the Jaguar up to Mia's apartment, but just barely.

LJ watched her beautiful crush pile the recently purchased clothes in the closet, looked down at her cool new outfit, and summoned her fresh confidence. "So, ah, thank you again for all the clothes and spending the afternoon with me."

"You are very welcome, Kiddo." Kay sensed the anticipatory raw nerve in LJ's voice, but ardently hoped the baby dyke wouldn't act on it. She prepared a hug anyway.

"Since we're all by ourselves and-" LJ didn't really have an ending to her sentence. "Do you maybe wanna...?" LJ's face colored as she glanced toward the bedroom and then down at her sneakers.

Kay thought bemusedly that LJ's effort at seduction wasn't as bad as some of her early work at trying to get older women into bed. It might've been a successful attempt even, if not for...

"No, Kiddo," Kay hugged her, catching her young shoulders as she slumped forward in dejection, "But not a flat no."

LJ felt her fragile confidence deflate with her lungs, even as she felt the welcome strength of Kay's arms around her.

Kay debated how many of her cards she wanted to show, "For one, from the viewpoint of societally accepted ethics, it'd be more than a little sketchy for me to take advantage of your gratitude that way."

"Fuck 'societally accepted ethics,'" LJ spat petulantly into Kay's shoulder. And after witnessing Kay's rude/polite dismissal of those snobby girls earlier, she wanted to believe that she wouldn't ever again care what any random person thought of her or her choices.