I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready
I'm ready
"I'm such a terrible singer", I spoke.
"You can say that again", she chimed in, eliciting laughter from us both.
I kissed the back of her head. "I just love music so much. And I find it to be so expressive. At that moment, this song just rolled off my tongue into the air for you. This song holds so much meaning for me. I know how much significance water holds for you, and this song just felt so appropriate for me to sing because I feel that I am ready. I wanna know, at any time of the day or night, in my sleep or waking moment, that I've got a place with you, and for you to never doubt that you have a place with me, and in my heart. I am ready to give myself to you, wholeheartedly."
I don't know whether it was the water or tears that fell from her chin onto my arm, so I just sat the quietly as I gave her a chance to absorb what I had said to her. Deciding to reiterate again I said, "Remember, I don't want you to feel pressured into saying or doing anything you feel you're not ready for, or you don't want to. Just because I tell you how I feel at a certain moment doesn't mean I expect you to do the same. Don't ever feel obliged, it must come from you when you feel it, not just for the sake of doing the same for me." She placed her arms over mine around her body and she held tightly. I kissed the back of her head again and we lay there for another few minutes. I felt that feeling again, the feeling of home.
My parents were impressed with her, they adored her. She is a versatile person, with an outgoing, bubbly personality, but when it matters, she knows how to tone it down. That is part of the reason she is so successful in her job, and part of the reason why I was so smitten with her. We spent the whole afternoon at home with my parents. She knew exactly what compliments to pay my parents; about the house, the meal, raising me and her perception about their marriage and life together. She was a people person and knew how to get along with them. I, on the other hand, am seriously awkward around people - more especially when I haven't gotten to know them too well.
It was time for us to leave. We said our goodnights, got into the car and pulled out of the driveway. "You know my parents are totally in love with you, right?" I asked her with a chuffed smile on my face.
"I wonder what makes you say that" she joked.
I looked over at her silhouette, seeing her figure when the car got illuminated by the street lights as we drove away from my parents' house. I didn't need the light to see her beauty in the dark, I had already seen it over and over again in the past few months through her behavior, actions, deeds, the words she spoke, definitely in how she looked, and last but not least, in how she fucked. "You're so beautiful", I commented softly. I could see her smile and my heart leaped in my chest.
"Thank you, babe" she added, the smile evident in her voice. We drove in a warm silence and eventually got onto the highway to my place, soft music playing over the car's stereo. Her phone lit up and there was no way I could've missed it in the darkness of the car. She looked at her screen and quickly tucked her phone away, her energy changing suddenly and I noticed it.
"Is everything okay?" I queried with concern that I hoped wasn't evident in my voice.
"Yea, uhm, all's good", she got back and I let it go. But still, the energy in the car did not improve at all. The rest of the way home was an unpleasant drive, the energy in the car had changed and whenever I glanced to her, she had her eyes plastered on the window, staring out into the dark. I pulled up to my driveway, pressed the button for the gate, then the garage door to open. I drove my car into the garage, turned the ignition off as the gate closed, followed by the garage door and turned in my seat to face her.
I placed a hand on her lap, "Are you ok?"
"Other than being tired after the afternoon we had, I'm good", she smiled weakly.
"Alright, give me a kiss and let's go inside." I let the issue go again. She was obviously keeping something from me but because I did not want to push her, I tried to push it out of my mind. As much as I tried to forget it, I couldn't help but have an uneasy feeling. We went inside, got ready for bed and snuggled up close to each other. I have been told in a previous relationship that I have major insecurity issues, which I had briefly disclosed to Angela at a certain point. I had that all too familiar feeling bubble softly to the surface, but I convinced myself that there was nothing to worry about.
I fell to an unsatisfying slumber but woke up in the middle of the night to find Angela wasn't in the bed. I looked around the room, and saw her sitting on the window seat, staring at the full moon shining all it's glory on the earth. She looked like a dream as the moon's rays shone on her. I quietly reached for my bedside drawer, opening it as discreetly as possible to take my camera out. Powering it on, I willed the sounds and light not to take her out of her reverie as I held the camera to my stomach underneath the blankets to silence and conceal it. It heard my prayers as she remained unmoved and unaware of my dealings. I set the viewfinder to my eye and adjusted it and snapped down on it for the photo.
At that moment she shot her eyes up to me quickly as she heard shutter close, surprise written all over her eyes. I turned my attention to the LCD monitor to have a peak at the photo I had taken. I was hoping this would calm the turmoil that was bubbling a bit hotter inside me now. Why is she up at this hour of the night? Does it have anything to do with the text or call she was getting in the car? I don't even know whether it was a text or a phone call? Who was it that was contacting her? What is she hiding from me? I'm certain she's hiding something from me. Oh my gawd how am I gonna deal with this dark whirlwind taking over my chest right now? All these questions ran through my head and I was trying to suppress them.
I didn't know what to do or what to say so I stared at the photo rather. In my amateur eye it was beautiful. It held so much of what I felt. The photo was dark, containing a single figure staring out into the outside world, looking lost, looking like it was longing for something out there, like the soul was reaching out to the infinity represented by what was outside the window. But the physical body was holding it down, holding it back from reaching out to what the figure truly desired. I felt like that. I was longing for her, she was what is outside the window, or rather yet the conversation we needed to have was what I was longing for. But I was trying to keep myself contained and calm, as represented by the physical figure in the seat.
I wanted to ask her what was wrong. I remembered my promise to never pressure her into telling me what she was not ready to, so I had to actively suppress everything. I've been in this type of situation in the past, it never worked out when I confronted the girl I was with. I would come across as accusatory and would be full of anger. I avoided speaking to her right then and there so I could have time to collect myself, thoughts and emotions.
I left the room and got us each a glass of water. I handed hers to her and went back to the bed. She took a sip and placed it on the ledge of the window. I finished mine in a gulp and put the empty glass on top of the drawer, opting rather to return to my sleep. As soon as I pulled the covers over myself and lay down, I felt hot tears running down my eyes. I knew it always turned ugly when I cried, especially when I tried stopping it: my nose runs heavily, body jerks the heavier the crying, inaudible talk and sniffles. Tonight I had to fight all of that, wiping my nose and tears with my pillow, breathing through my mouth to prevent the sniffing noise. I carried on like that til my eyes burned and I felt a heaviness of fatigue overcome my body.
As always, I woke up earlier than her. I got into my meditative position and said a prayer. I then started meditating with the hopes that I would be centered now, unlike a few hours before that. I went into the kitchen and prepared breakfast for us. She walked in as I was plating the food and took a seat on the stool at the counter. I handed her plate to her and poured tea into her cup and coffee for me. I took my plate of food and sat next to her.
After a good five minutes I broke the silence. "I'm an over thinker. When something that doesn't make sense happens, I over think it. And I've mentioned this before but I've been told I'm insecure, which I agree with but to some extent. That combination makes for a killer in relationships, I know that and try to be aware when it happens. I want to tell you that it's happening now, after you ignored your phone last night in the car. You closed me off after that, shut me out. I'm trying to give you your space to deal with it and then talk to me about it, but please know that it is tearing me up inside", I pleaded with her.
She looked at the cup containing her tea, wrapped snugly between both hands. "That was a text from my parents. They say they want me to visit them when I have time."
"Oh, my angel," I sighed heavily, a small wave of relief washing over me, "that's great. Right? I mean you haven't seen them since you moved out. You've only been texting back and forth. I think it's a good thing that they've asked that you come home. But you don't seem... what shall I say, pleased? You don't seem pleased at that."
She lifted her eyes to look at me for the first time since we left my parents' house the night before. My heart sank, but also seemed to flutter - it was a very confusing feeling. "I don't know why they asked me to visit. They know that I'm with you, a woman, and the only other time they knew of me being with a woman was when they caught me with her. It was probably the worst experience of my life.
I hated that I made them feel that way, made them say those things. I don't want a repeat of that. That's why I told them about us as I was walking out of their door the day I moved out. It was easier for me to drop the bomb on them and not have to deal with the fallout. But now we will have to address all of that.
Memories of the past just came flooding back to me after I saw the text. I just didn't know what to think, how to feel, what to do or what to say. I felt so overwhelmed that I shut down." Her eyes were overflowing at this point as tears came streaming down.
I stood up and wrapped my arms around her in a tight, warm embrace. At that moment I hoped my heart would talk to hers for me as there were no words I could say to express what I was feeling. I just wanted to keep her in that embrace, safe from all the world's worries, bring back her wit, charm and mostly, her happy soul. I kissed the top of her head and held her til her crying eased. I grabbed some paper towels, handed them to her and she wiped her face.
"Let's eat, my angel. I know you're feeling anxious about this. Let me know if you need anything from me to help with that. I'll give you support throughout. I'll sleep at your place that night so that when you come back I'll be there for you." I kissed her on the forehead.
"Well there is something you can do right now to help a little with the anxiety", she boldly said now, with a wickedness I understood all too well now.
