Always and Forever You - Epilogue

Always and Forever You - Epilogue

I am completely still. The photo album is closed again in my lap. I don't even remember turning its pages. My perfect world.

Now I'm a hollow egg. Cruelly drained of my life's yolk through every needle I watched pierce Lily's skin last year.. At any moment I might shatter.

I'm still here. Always.

Lily says silently.

"It's not the same," I say aloud. "I have nothing.".

I hear the laughter and a little voice out in the living room. Fuck. I'm an awful person.

Don't be so dramatic.

"Don't make fun of me."

You have everything. You have them.

"

You

are everything." Considering who is in the other room I feel ashamed after I say it.

My phone rings next to me. When I see the incoming FaceTime caller ID, a tiny part of my anxiety eases. I answer the call and Devon appears. Her hair is shorter now, her beautiful face rounder and slightly lined, but the warmth in her smile has been a forever constant, and it continues the work that just seeing her name a second ago started.

"Hi gorgeous," It's been Devon's familiar greeting since we met.

"Oh God, I need you badly today. This distance is so fucking cruel."

I see her anguish in those emerald eyes. "I'm sorry that I didn't reach out earlier. I haven't had cell service until now. I've been thinking of you both so much. I can't believe she's been gone for a year."

"I can't hold it together anymore, Devon. Lily was the strong one."

Devon's head shakes on my screen. "No Rosa, don't say that. I watched for years how strong you are. First for Lily. Now for those kids."

Devon knows best, Rosa

.

"Devon, they're the only things that keep me going. I have no will at all without them. Luca is three. Lily wanted us to have a baby so badly, and it took us so long. She barely had any time with him. He'll never know her."

You know that's not true. We won't let that happen.

"Rosa, sweetie. You're keeping her alive for him everyday. You and Taylor are both giving him that." Devon says.

"Taylor." I whisper her name so it's not heard out in the living room. "I'm failing her. She's so fragile and she had such a strong bond with Lily. I'm scared I acted too quickly, and I can't be what..."

Devon's finger comes up to her lips to quiet me. "Hon, she was a 19 year old kid who tried to kill herself. She'd just gone through a trauma, and was rejected by her family. Then Lily passed. You did what you had to do, which is what you've always done."

You saved me. Now you save Taylor.

"Well I couldn't fucking save you this time!"

I just yelled at Lily, out loud in front of someone. Fearing the worst, I glance back at my phone screen and sure as shit, I see Devon's startled and concerned expression.

"You're worried I'm going crazy now, aren't you?

She studies me for a moment, and then her face relaxes. She knows. "Lily?

The Force?

" She asks.

"

Force Ghost,

" I shrug and half smile, because I know she'll get the reference. "Yeah, sometimes." I notice Devon's eyes are wet.

"You and Lily have always made me believe in the possibilities within the universe," Devon says, her voice cracking a bit.

"Isn't it pretty to think so?" My literary go-to line whenever I'm feeling hopeless.

Our possibilities are endless, Rosa-belle.

Devon is studying me through the phone screen. If only I could read her thoughts too.

After a few moments, she says, "You have to make sure that as Luca grows up, you keep Lily alive for him every day, just as she is for you. As for Taylor, you have to accept the fact that you did the right thing by her. Her father wouldn't accept her transition, and her mother wouldn't stand up to him. Without you, she saw no hope."

I nod. In my heart I believe that, but it's good to hear someone I trust validate what I worry was an emotional and rash decision to take on the responsibility of another person's life. "Wait until you see her, she's more beautiful every day. In the fall, she's going to have some facial feminization surgery. She's so self-conscious, but from my perspective she's completely passable. I'm helping her with the cost."

"Lily would want that," Devon responds. "How is she doing otherwise?"

"She's having a difficult time. I thought moving into the city would be good for her, because the LGBT community is so strong here. But she's from the country, and she's scared of being out on the street by herself in crowds. I have to walk her everywhere. She's killing it at beauty school though. She's their most talented student."

"Hair and makeup? If she ever needs a job..." Devon says with a laugh.

"I don't think I'm letting her near your industry, love."

"You and Lily are the reason I'm even in this industry, gorgeous."

"Hon, you were taking boudoir pictures before we ever got into your limo."

"Before that, I took pictures. You and Lily made me an artist."

I can feel myself blushing, remembering our dirty nights with Devon and our other friend, beautiful Nyelia, whom we called Nya.

"I have some news," Devon says. "I'm going to be moving back to Florida. I'm actually here now, I just landed in Lauderdale. That's why I didn't call sooner."

The memory of Lily's excitement running through that airport when we first landed sixteen years ago makes me ache. It was the beginning of the best part of our lives. So, fucking short.

We loved a whole lifetime's worth.

"My mother's Alzheimer's has advanced, Rosa. The time has come for her to go into a facility, and I've got to be here to take care of dad."

I feel for Devon. Her parents were always so sweet to Lily and me, and our whole friend circle. All of us little misfit Queers that couldn't always depend on our own families had to create one. She fills me in on her father's health and how she plans on buying a bigger house with an in-law suite for him.

"What about

EroticaTime?

How will you manage from down there? Devon was one of the co-creators of the very popular adult streaming service, with its base of operations in California.

"I'm going to produce down here. Speaking of that, I have this idea that I've been wanting to run by you. We can talk about it in a few days if you'd like."

"No, let's talk about it now," I reply.

"Are you sure, you've got so much on your mind today."

"Devon, I've been waiting to hear your voice, and see your face all day."

She makes a little heart symbol with her fingers. "Aww, I just love you," she says. "Ok... so I want to create a new series based on all of us. I want to focus initially on characters based on you and Lily. The power of this series will be revealing how you both changed all of our lives. There would be characters based on me, Nya, Mari, Christine, Paul...and Cruz." Her voice softens as she mentions our dear friend Cruz's name.

"Every day I think about Cruz, and wish she was here for Taylor." The memory continues to haunt me.

Devon's face saddens. "We had wonderful years together. I can't believe they're both gone now. Cruz and Lily were so close."

She is right. From the moment Lily met Cruz at the bonfire and heard her story, she was a devoted friend. We were all devastated when Cruz died, but it hit Lily hardest, and she had slipped into a depression that lasted for months. It wasn't until Taylor's mother brought her "confused son" into Lily's office for "fixing," that she stopped dwelling on her sadness and channeled Cruz's strength to help Taylor. It wasn't the "fixing" Taylor's mother had in mind though.

"I promised Lily I would make sure Taylor was ok," I remind Devon, perhaps needing even more reinforcement.

"You've uprooted your whole life to make a better one for her. Lily and Cruz are smiling down at you. But this is all part of the reason I want to tell our story. I want to show the world the deep love that exists within the Queer community. I want to call the series

The Luna Beach Diaries.

"But love, don't your subscribers just want to see fucking?" I ask, skeptical.

"It's up to us to

show

them what they

really

want. We're going to make them understand the intensity of the love that was at the root of it. Then, we'll get to some

serious

fucking."

I laugh for the first time today.

"The point is, I want you to be a part of this. Bring your counseling practice down here. I need you. We've been separated by this distance for nearly a decade now, I want to be a part of your life again. I want to be a part of Luca's life, and Taylor's life. You said she was having trouble adapting to the big city. This is the perfect environment for her. It's small and Queer-friendly. She'll have people that love her. Our friends are here, waiting for us all to be a family again."

As I stare at Devon on my phone screen, our whole history together flashes in a rapid movie reel fashion through my head. I just don't think I can return to that world again without Lily. I'm conscious of the time that is passing in complete silence, and I know she will sit here all evening without a word if I need her to. Sixteen years ago Devon was a fiery thrill-seeker, insatiable and seeking to unwrap pleasure wherever she could. She is a mature woman now, full of patience and adult responsibilities. Yet I know the passion still simmers within those exquisite emeralds staring back at me. I miss her so much, but I don't think I can.

"I need time, Devon." In my breaking voice I wonder if she hears the decision I've already made.

She flashes me that smile I remember from the limo's rearview mirror the day that we met her. It's full of heat, but now also infused with the compassionate depth of our history together.

"Take all the time you need, and we'll be waiting.

I'll

be here."

Devon's words are comforting. Lily and I both knew that if it wasn't for her we never would have truly

lived

our lives. She awakened the truth of our love, and then with the help of her friend, Nya, unleashed the feral desires that our unique bond brought with it. "Nobody on Earth fucks each other with as much love and heat as you two," she once bluntly told Lily and me during one of our shared intimate encounters together.

On the phone, Devon's expression turns brighter as she changes the subject. "Ok, I want to see Taylor now. Where is she? And what's a girl gotta do to talk to her Godson?"

"Luca...Taylor," I call out to the living room. "Come say hello to Titi Devon."

I immediately hear the familiar roll of the wheels and stomping of feet as Luca "Fred Flinstone's" his Little Tikes car into the room. He steps out and slams the plastic door shut, (his favorite part). He opens it, and does it again, even louder for effect. He walks around to the trunk, opens it, and throws the set of keys into it, before loudly slamming that shut too. Finally, he runs over and jumps onto the bed beside me. Taylor is behind him, fidgeting with both her flannel shirt and hair at the same time.

"Hi there handsome," Devon says when Luca plants himself between my legs in front of the phone I'm holding up.

Luca smiles shyly when he sees her face. "Hi Titi."

"I miss you so much," Devon says. "I can't wait to see you again soon."

He giggles a little. "I drive my car." He says.

Devon flashes him a wide excited look. "Will you drive your car and come and see me?"

He nods. "I get my keys from 'da trunk."

"Ok, sweetie, go drive to see Titi Devon" I say.

"Love you buddy," Devon blows him a kiss.

"Give Titi a kiss," I demonstrate blowing a kiss. He looks at me like I'm crazy and jumps off the bed and runs to the car."

Taylor is beside me. Her shoulder length curls are long in the front. When she came into the room, her hair was pulled back. At some point in the last few seconds she pulled it forward so it is covering her forehead, one of the sources of her dysphoria. I hand her the phone. Her expression is as timid as Luca's was.

"Hey beautiful." I hear Devon say, but can no longer see her face.

"Hi Devon," Taylor's voice is light but a little scratchy, and she speaks softly to compensate. She's made such progress on her vocal training the last few months.

"Rosa says you're doing great in school. I'm so proud."

"She's not coming to work for you, Devon." I say from the other side of the bed.

"Ok, we'll see about that," Devon calls loudly through the phone speakers, and they both laugh.

Devon asks Taylor about her photography, art and other hobbies, and hearing their conversation reminds me so much of the conversations Lily would have with Devon when we lived down in Florida. Lily was always drawing and loved to share her love of art. They are laughing as they talk, and Taylor sounds more vibrant than I've heard her in a while. I pick up our photo album off the bed, and walk out into the living room, giving them privacy.

On the sofa, I ignore the sound of Luca getting in and out of his car, slamming the door and then throwing the keys into the trunk each time. The keys are Lily's old set that I gave him to play with.

I'm lost in our story again, told through the photo album Devon gave to us. The early part of the book is from that first Florida vacation years ago. The pictures of Luna Beach that Lily and I took are there. The pool, our beaches and bars are all there, as is the 17th story balcony where our physical desires for each other were acknowledged for the first time. I giggle at the picture from the bar with the cousins, Alex and Rafael and can't help but wonder what became of them. They were included in this photo album because in retrospect, those guys were an important part of our week, for no other reason than to ignite that realization in Lily and me that our friendship was evolving.

Farther back in the book are the pictures that Devon took. Those silly and stylish beach pictures, with Lily in her beautiful retro black bathing suit, and then some of the very erotic penthouse pictures colored in black, white, and red. I feel that familiar pulling between my thighs as I look at us, young and filled with lust. It was never not like that for us though, right up until the fucking cancer returned, when my role reverted back to what it had once been, caregiver. This time I couldn't save her.

You are always everything I need, Rosa-belle

.

I take a deep breath. Lily's words fuel my strength, and I turn the page. It's a picture of the hand-painted

Welcome Home Rosa and Lily

banner they made for us when we moved back to Florida, followed by pictures of our party. Lily and I, along with Devon, Nya, Maribella, Christine, Paul, and beautiful Cruz, all celebrating the start of our new life. The pages that follow are years of wonderful memories of our time in paradise.

Suddenly Luca is snuggled next to me on the couch. "Hi mommy." His head is against my arm and he's looking down at the page. "Mommy here and mommy in Heaven." His little finger points back and forth on a picture of me and Lily sitting in a kayak.

I kiss him on the top of the head. "Your mommies love you very much, buddy."

A few pages later are pictures of our wedding, surrounded by our dear friends, and families. Lily's father had accepted us right away. After almost losing her, he wasn't going to let anything come between them, not his religion and not even his wife. He passed away before Lily got sick again, so he was spared her suffering. Lily's mother was cordial, but never accepted us, not even at the end of Lily's life. She prayed for her from 100 miles away. Lily is gone and that bitch is still alive and someone else's problem. I don't ever want to lay eyes on her again.

"That's me in your belly, isn't it?" Luca asks.

It's the last picture in the book, a very pregnant me wearing a white sundress and beside me, Lily's face is beaming. She was experiencing another one of life's perfect moments. While I didn't always love being pregnant, Lily relished every minute and every pound of it. After the appointment when we found out I was pregnant, she reminded me of the day at South End Beach when she was heavy-duty crushing on pregnant Maribella playing in the ocean. "Now it's my turn to worship you, my love," she told me. She never stopped for nine months.

"Yep, that's you, buddy. Muy guapo, even in mommy's belly." He always laughs when I speak Spanish.

"Big cuz." He calls out his pet name when Taylor comes into the room and plops down on the couch next to me.

"Hey little cuz," Taylor answers and reaches across my lap to take his hand. Two fingers from her other hand touch the picture of Lily and me. She brushes them across Lily's image slowly, as if she can physically feel her beneath. "I miss her so much."

I place my hand on hers and am silent. There's nothing I can say to properly summarize my feelings. I accept that the two of them are my world now.

****

The sound of a car horn down on the street below awakens me. As I open my eyes the lights from the late-night city penetrate the darkness of my bedroom, and the summer breeze through the open window gently blows the sheer white curtains inward. I glance at the clock. It's 3:45a.m., and the emptiness of the bed next to me causes a wrenching in my stomach. As I look at the soft colors of the sleeping city, I remember that early morning years ago I found Lily out on that hotel balcony. Sadness overwhelms me. There is no balcony. No sound of the ocean beyond...No Lily.

Ahhh. Don't be so sure of that.

"You came," I whisper.

You're nude, Rosa. Fuck, I love you like that.

"It's so warm tonight."

I feel the soft silk of the bedsheet sliding very slowly down my body until it's balled up below my feet. I'm laying on my side, exposed to her.

Look at you. I love those legs and hips. Let me feel them.

I feel Lily's cool hand sliding over my torso across the curve of my hip and then down my thigh, rounding out along the back of my knee. She teases and tickles until my body trembles and I laugh a little. Laughing is so rare now.

I miss this perfect body.

"It's not what it was." I started working out after Luca was born, but then once Lily got sick I stopped, and stress ate instead.

I love your momma bod, my beautiful wife. Roll over onto your belly, Rosa-belle, I need to fuck my love into you.

"Oh my God, Lily. Please. It's been so long."

Spread your legs baby, and put your hands beneath you. Cup that beautiful pussy for me.

I do as I'm told and feel the softness of my bush and the already swelling lips beneath. I shudder at the sensation. I can't even remember when they'd been touched last. "Oh Lily, it feels so....Oh wow."

I've missed that sexy ass. You're giving me such bad thoughts.

Fingers from both my hands slide inside, and I'm already so wet.

Listen to the beautiful sound of your juices, you're making my mouth water, baby. Don't you come, that's my job.

"Yes Lily, I need you to make me come. I can't be without you," I whisper. My eyes are getting wet now too.

I feel her nude body hovering over me, and then her always hard nipples teasing my back. Soon, her breath and her lips are on my neck. "Please," I cry. "I don't want you to be gone."

Shhhh. Raise that ass for me.

I'm submissive to the battling emotions of grief and the intense sexual desire I haven't felt in forever. As always, I follow her direction and bend both of my knees slightly so I can arch my ass upward. I immediately feel the weight of Lily's body line up with me. Her arms are on mine with our fingers intertwined. I feel her breasts press into my back and we both sigh sweetly together. Finally, when the heat of Lily's spread labia and rock hard clitoris falls directly between my spread bottom and presses into the most intimately personal place on my body, the grief is pushed far away. My face is in the mattress and I hear my desperate moans of pleasure I thought lost forever.