"Fuck!" I screamed at no one. The beach empty apart from a few solitary souls walking their dogs. Why was life so difficult, why was it that nothing worked?
It seemed everything I touched turned to shit. My marriage failed, and it was as much my fault as his. It started so promisingly, you know from the pits of despair the phoenix arose.
We were friends, lovers, then the fate of fates. It takes only the one... A drunken mistake... No condom... I was pregnant, and didn't know what the hell to do. Fortunately, Kevin stood by me offering to take my hand... Marry me.
My parents were overjoyed that he was prepared to do the right thing. I really had no say in it. I knew the one thing I didn't want was to be a solo mother.
After a lot of pressure from parents, we did indeed get married.
At first, it was wonderful. We had this incredibly gorgeous little baby girl, who filled our lives with joy. She held us together like invisible glue.
I gave up my job. Staying home to care for Jessica and try to make our tiny flat a comfy home. Kevin managed to find a decent job, and we scraped by financially. Maternity leave was helpful for the six months, but then it was back to just the single income.
Then my world turned to shit. I came home from the supermarket to find Kevin sitting on the back steps, his head in his hands.
"What happened?" I asked nervously.
"I've been laid off. The economy is fucked, the company was struggling so they laid a bunch of us off."
"Oh shit, really." I plonked down beside him, fighting to hold back the tears. Jessica ran out to see what we were doing and climbed into my arms. "What happening Mummy?"
"Nothing for you to worry about, Sweetheart. You go and play in your bedroom aye."
She refused, sensing intuitively something was wrong. She clung on tightly, her arms crushing my neck.
"Did you get any redundancy pay?" I asked, stifling my tears.
"Yeah, three months pay, plus they paid out my annual leave."
"That will help. I know I could get my job back at the school. They have struggled to fill positions. Seems like everybody is packing up and moving to Aussie."
"Yeah, there's reasons for that. The money's great, and housings cheaper."
"Swings and roundabouts babe. It's all cyclical, you know that."
"Maybe, but we are going to have to tighten our belts."
I was able to get my old job back, and Kevin was thrown into the role of stay at home parent. Which he hated. What he hated was his loss of Mana. He loved his role as the patriarch, the bread winner. Staying home doing house work slowly destroyed his self esteem. Like rusting metal on a beach. The corrosion starts slowly, eating eroding away the strength. Little patches here and there eating, always feeding on the stricken metal.
He must have applied for hundreds of jobs, all of which he missed out on. That's what created the even deeper loss of face, he sat teetering on depression. A growing level of tension started to chip away at our fragile family. He loathed it, the constant rejections.
Depression slowly dragged him in, he was grumpy and hard to live with. In hindsight, that's when the problems began. From nowhere we argued over everything, he questioned every purchase I made.
I missed Jessica, but it was nice being back at school and teaching. Mostly I think it was getting away from Kevin.
My teaching job didn't pay as much as Kevin's job, but it kept the creditors at bay. It meant swapping money paying off credit cards, then using them, and every month was the same.
The day I got home and found Kevin in a really jovial mood, dinner cooked. A bottle of wine on the table. "Wow, this looks awesome. What are we celebrating?"
"Depends, I have been offered a job, and the money's great."
I leapt into his arms, and we kissed like we hadn't for months. "Oh god, that's amazing. Who's it with?"
I saw the frown crease his face, as he stepped back from our embrace. "That's the problem. It's in Whangarei."
"Oh shit..."
"Yeah, it would mean moving. But, they'll pay for the move, and rental assistance for six months."
"Bugger, how much does it pay?"
"Eighty five grand a year, plus four weeks annual leave."
"Wow, that's pretty good all right. But it would mean I wouldn't be able to work. If we move away. Mum wouldn't be able to help with child care. We'd have to pay for that. She'd be heartbroken."
"I know, it's a lot to think about, but at least I'd be back at work. We could get these bloody bills paid off."
"I suppose..." The dinner was nice, and Kevin, the Kevin of old was back. Ebulliently talking about the job, the move, opportunities. All I could think of was "No." I didn't want to move.
Over the next week, Kevin was in touch with the company continuously.
The crunch point raced towards us like a rocket. Kev, was like a runaway bulldozer. He wanted it badly. He wanted his role as head of the family back.
"Well Alex, are we going?"
"No, I don't want to. I don't want to travel to the other end of the country. I'm sorry love, but my answer is no."
"I had a feeling." He sighed in defeat. "I don't want to do this but you've left me no choice. I say we go. You'll easily get a job teaching up there. We'll be on a winner."
"No, I know this is important to you, but I don't want to drag Jess, away from her family and friends."
"Alex, thousands of people do this every year. If you love me, you'll see the sense in what I'm suggesting."
There it was... The real heart of our problem. We didn't really love each other. The glue that held us together was Jess. If it wasn't for her. We would have already split. We both knew it.
It was sad the day he left. We hugged for ages, Jess cried. Even Mum cried, she did love Kevin, most of that stemming from when we found out I was pregnant. The way he stood up, asked me to marry him. That won Mum over, Dad as well thought he could do no wrong.
With Kevin gone, we settled into our new life. In all honesty, it was nice to come home to a peaceful house. No arguing, no yelling and screaming. Jess and I spent all our time together, she slept in Mummies bed with me, I did everything in my power to make up for Daddy not being around.
Kevin, loved his new job. Loved being the boss, and the money was good. At first, we spoke every night, then it slipped to every other night, then once a week.
It was over, there was no denying our connection. The difference we were best friends, and that's where we should have stayed. What we had was never love, well apart from the love of Jess.
*****
Living by myself gave me a lot of chances to contemplate how I ended up in this situation. Memories, wonderful memories drifted through my subconscious.
This was never the life I dreamed off. It just sought of dragged me down like an anchor.
As a child, all I ever wanted to be was an artist. To draw and paint. Everybody said I was good, even my parents, but we were a working class family, Dad was a plumber and couldn't see any future in it. He was the one who convinced me to become a teacher.
"You'll never go wrong with a career like that Lass." He said. Mum, who had always been a traditional stay at home housewife agreed.
"You can always paint sweetheart. You need something to fall back on."
"Yeah lass, something with substance, just until you can find yourself a man." Dad added.
I laughed, a man... God I didn't even know if I liked men. I had never been with one...
Memories... Ah how sweet they were. I recalled my first love. Megan... Totaranui, that wonderful summer.
Mum and Dad as they did every summer holidays packed up the caravan. Why they chose Totaranui was the work of fate... Destiny... The gods of love at play. With the caravan and car packed to the brim. We drove up to Totaranui. What an amazing place. Every Christmas, we went somewhere for the holidays. That summer was our first visit to Totaranui.
It was incredible. The drive in was awful, a windy narrow gravel road that seemed to go on forever through the Kahurangi National park.
The corrugated road, with deep wheel ruts slewed the caravan from side to side. Even Mum was scared. Eventually we drove out of the forest into the expansive golden sands of the beach. The camping ground was overflowing with people, caravanners, campers, some boats. It looked so wild.
We set up the caravan quickly. Mum and dad toiled away getting the barbecue organised, and I was dispatched to go and entertain myself.
The beach, years later, I could still feel the beautiful soft golden sand squishing between my toes. The crystal clear teal water. I remember feeling so totally overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the place. The waves tumbling and breaking on the beach. Kids everywhere noisily running around. Splashing and frolicking in the water. Kayakers, sail boarders. Skiers, it was just overpowering.
I wandered up the beach looking to find a more peaceful spot. Wow, what a place. The native forest grew right down to the beach. The camp ground was surrounded by the forest.
Walking eastward along the beach, I was stunned to find a huge inlet... Oh my god, the water... So clear, like glass. The inlet flowed into the cavernous bay. The current quite strong, but only knee deep. I found out later talking to Dad, it was Awaroa. He lectured me on being careful. The tidal flows in and out of the inlet could be very strong. I wasn't to swim there without somebody being with me.
The first night was amazing, bonfires on the beach, little parties going on all over the camp ground. Laughter, kids playing..,. It was amazing.
Awaroa, that's where I wanted to go. With my sketch pad, and my pastels in a sealed plastic bag, along with my phone. I dragged my kayak down to the waters edge, and fought my way out through the surf. Clear of the waves, and people, I paddled along to the inlet. With the tide coming in. I was literally sucked into the wide sandy isthmus.
Once inside the inlet, I paddled along the waters edge. Little isolated beaches were everywhere. I found one right up under the bluffs at the top of the bay. Dragging the kayak onto the sandy beach. I unpacked my lunch, and a drink. There was so much to draw, so much to try and capture.
So immersed in my sketching, I didn't even hear the kayak arrive. "Hey, mind if I join you?" Came this sweet melodious voice. It wafted over me like cotton candy enshrouding me in its sticky sugary loveliness.
The girl, took my breath away. Wearing just a skimpy bikini, but carrying her back pack. She looked angelic.
"Yeah, no worries." I replied, a little annoyed. I had been enjoying my solitude.
She came and sat beside me, unpacking her own lunch. "I'm Megan." She announced.
"Alex." I replied, my tomato sandwich tasting nice.
"You're an artist." She asked.
"Nah, just mucking around."
"No, that is really nice." She said leaning closer so she could see my charcoal sketch.
"Thanks, but I'm just fooling around."
"Where are you from?" She asked.
Waimate, what about you?"
"Fielding. Just down for the hols. We've got a caravan, at Totaranui."
"Same," I replied, as she started munching away on her pie and a couple of muffins. When she saw me salivating over her chocolate and walnut muffins, she offered me one.
"Yum, did you make them?"
"Nah, that's me Mum's thing cooking. I'm not very good in the kitchen. Drives her bloody mad too."
I giggled at her witty response. She stunned me, when she unpacked her easel. "You paint?" I gasped.
