I'm not John Grisham, and I'm not a lawyer, but I did my best. And I've made some edits thanks to some wonderfully observant and knowledgeable readers. Thanks.
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Chapter V: Let's Explode
"Are you fucking kidding me right now, Steve?"
Steve—my best contact on the police force and a very good friend—shrugged and shook his head sympathetically.
"It's a federal offense. I highly advise you to let me file the charge and get him him arrested."
"I'll lose the case," I said, more like a question.
He nodded. "You'll lose the case. If you file a restraining order, or make a formal complaint, the judge will make you hand over the case to someone else. You'll be considered too biased and involved, and you know that, and they'll consider it too dangerous. They'll likely dismiss your charge against him if you give them a fight. You have no witnesses. They might think you're drumming up drama to make the judge prejudicial." He sighed and rubbed his face, clearly exhausted.
"Why would I make something like that up?! I could be disbarred if they found out I was lying. He threatened me! Stuck a gun in my ribs! And you're telling me that if I make a complaint, I'll lose the case? How the fuck can he get away with this? This should automatically put him behind bars."
He got up from the table and glanced out of the window of his office, watching the chaos of different criminals getting booked. "He doesn't have to get away with this. I already told you what I'd do if I were you. I'd drop the case and file a restraining order, and let me arrest him." He glanced at me over his shoulder. "C'mon, Liz. Let someone else handle this one."
"Oh, like someone stronger. You mean a man?" I sneered. Steve shot me a dirty look. "I can't drop the case, Steve. That's what the little shit wants."
"Better to be safe than sorry. This is a nasty one and he's not going to stop, unfortunately. Seen too many like him."
I sighed and rested my elbows on the table, dropping my head into my hands. "If I let this case go, it'll ruin my career. Roger will never give me a case like this ever again. I'll spin my wheels for eternity. They'll think I'm being dramatic, weak. They'll never trust me with something like this again."
Steve came over and put his hand on my shoulder. "If you let this go, you might not have a career either way."
I slammed my hand on the table. "Fuck! I'm not letting him win. This is such bullshit. Maybe if I explain to Roger..."
But I knew I couldn't do that. As much as I respected Roger, and as much as I suspected he respected me, his view of me would change somehow. I wouldn't be the girl who fought tooth and nail to be viewed equal and tough. I would be the little girl crying to her father.
"Whatever you decide to do, call me day or night. You've got my cell. I'll put a cop on your block, okay?"
"Okay." I thought of Olivia, who'd been so worried and held me as I shook in the bathroom of the bar. "Can you put one on the block of my...friend?"
Steve's smile was slow and kind. "Sure."
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It was nearly ten by the time I got down to the subway. I waited anxiously, desperate for a hot shower and my soft bed. And seeing Toronto was always a mood lifter.
I couldn't stop looking over my shoulder, or analyzing men who got too close. Especially when I couldn't make out their faces. Something about being stuck in this filthy, piss-stinking narrow space was putting me on edge. Was that asshole somewhere nearby? Did he know I went to the cops? I shuddered.
A train on the other side of the tracks whizzed by, deafening and fast. I took a step back and my heel wobbled. I was off kilter, and I felt incredibly vulnerable. Exposed. Violated.
I tried to focus on the intricate piece of graffiti on the cement pole next to me, but it was a swirl of expressions like "glory" "liberty" "pussies more more pussies". I recognized a few gang references and it only served to make my goosebumps raise higher from my body, almost painfully. I rested against the pole and closed my eyes.
A guy's elbow knocked against mine. I looked over at him and he was staring, a little creepy smile curving his lips. His teeth were yellow and he smelled heavily of cigarette smoke.
Really, this wasn't too strange an occurrence. But tonight I took about ten large steps away and pulled out my cell, eager to do something other than panic. We were all so lulled into a strange and false security that, if we had our cell on us and pretended to be invested on whatever was on the screen, we were safe.
I had a dozen texts from Olivia, all different variations of her asking if I was okay.
And of course I had a missed call from my mother.
My train noisily pulled up and I rushed on, sitting in a corner seat and balling my body up as tightly as I could. My tough exterior was blown. I felt very much like a child, lost in the sea of the faceless citizens of New York. I was nothing to them; they were nothing to me. A homeless man lay spread out against a few seats and a couple of asses were giving him a hard time, poking him and calling him names. I didn't want to intervene. That was what growing up here taught me, and my experiences as a woman showed me. Don't fucking intervene, because they'll move on to you next and they'll almost always be stronger than you.
But I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand looking at this subtle but cruel torture.
"You pay to get on here, asshole?" one of them was asking.
Another was unzipping his pants. "You know, I feel like taking a piss right here."
"Get away from him," I said. I desperately hoped I sounded strong. In charge. "And you whip it out and you and your little friend will be behind bars for indecent exposure.
The group of guys turned around slowly, scrutinizing me top to bottom, bottom to top. The leering began. They moved over like snakes; it was a wonder they weren't hissing.
One of them scoffed. "You a cop or something, bitch?"
The man they were antagonizing gathered up his sweaters and other junk, averted his eyes and swiftly ran off to another car. I was left alone, facing men who'd just love to fuck with me. The few other people on the subway with us stared straight ahead, or studied their iPhones and probably increased the volumes of their music or podcasts.