Acceptance of Denial

This is the second part of Acceptance of Denial which continues on from the events in the first instalment. I suggest you seek the first part out if you haven't previously read it, to gain a full understanding of the plot and characters. Despite the apparent controversy of the first instalment and thanks to the positive feedback from many readers, I decided to continue and complete what I began.

Trigger Warning:

The World War Two theme is still prevalent throughout the story, and I apologize for any errors or mistruths regarding accuracy and authenticity in regards to historical significance. I have only loosely based the plot and characters on historical facts, there are many things regarding this story which are not in line with history. I also want to make it clear that I do not wish to cause any intentional offence despite the seriousness of the themes. Please remember that my opinions are not reflected within this story, I have separated myself from the outlook of the completely fictional characters.

Also, the erotic parts don't begin immediately, so if you're looking for a quick fix, something else might be more suited. Please enjoy.

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1.

I awoke sharply, my fading dreams swirling around me, their clarity slipping away as my mind lurched into a sudden consciousness. My eyes flashed open as I grappled to control my senses, my heart racing in my chest. Looking around, I found I was lying on a single bed in a room that seemed vaguely familiar. Tasteful wallpaper wove its way across the walls and fine oak furniture consisting of a closet, desk and bedside tables were positioned around the room.

My surroundings were by no means unpleasant, but I felt an odd feeling of disconnection with the unfamiliarity of it all. My limbs ached, I realized, as I lay there, propped up on my elbows as early morning sunlight streamed through the window beside my bed. And then I remembered.

I remembered being taken from my apartment from one facility to the next and all of a sudden I knew where I was. I leapt out of my bed and stared down through the sunlight and outside, only to be faced with the cold, greyness of the Stuttgart Detainment Facility's grounds. Guards were marching groups of detainees across the area within my sight, their voices drowned out by a strong wind blowing through the grounds. I rubbed my eyes wearily, knowing there was still more to remember, trying to piece together how I had ended up here in this room.

A chain of strung out images and memories slammed through my mind and I closed my eyes in a futile attempt to slow them down. Soft, bare skin, black fabric yielding in my hands before sliding down and along toned legs, soft moans and whimpers of echoing desire and a dark, eerie gaze of possessive lust. All of those very memories were of Adler and I froze, knowing what had come to pass the night before, as I summed up the time we had spent together.

Knowing what had occurred last night, I needed to try and find out what I was feeling and gain some kind of clarity in all of the confusion I felt. I wanted to forget what had happened, but I knew that this wasn't something that could be ignored or erased. It would have been foolish to convince myself as though last night would have no impact on me. I stared out the window, desperate to know what this all meant for me, slowly trying to find some kind of understanding of last night.

After last night's encounter with Adler, she had dressed before she led me out through her office and across the hall to the room where I had slept within. It was my sleeping quarters now, Adler had explained, before wishing me a good sleep and leaving the room. She had told me that she would see me in the morning as she would be free for a short while. Now that the next day had arrived, I wondered if I would be able to hold a conversation with her and whether we would continue on with the beginning stages of her portrait or I'd end up trapped in another of her escapades.

It was clear that Adler had made her intentions known last night and despite my reluctance to her sudden actions, she had pursued her intentions until they had favourable results for her. I felt grimy and warped, tainted to the core and as flawed as I had ever felt in my life. Somehow I had become something horrible last night, unwisely submit to Adler, knowing that it would serve no good whatsoever. Yet strangely, I felt alive and liberated in that moment, feeling as if I had some kind of twisted chance to earn myself a way out of this situation.

There was a slight, flickering hope hidden within me that if I could please Adler, perhaps she would keep me alive. I had something to offer, even if I was going to be used by her, I realized. If I served a purpose for Adler, by both painting for her and providing her with her desired sexual gratification, I had two purposes which allowed me a sliver of hope for survival. If she was going to use me, I thought, then I would fulfil her expectations in order to survive. Although I had undeniably felt some kind of indescribable and distorted attraction to her last night in the haze of my suppressed sexual urges, logic was now filtering through my thoughts.

I paced the room now, close to regretting what had happened, but realized that I could use this all to my advantage. In these dark times I could rely only on myself and the chances that only luck could bring me. I would have to see what Adler would do from this point onwards, as dangerously unpredictable as she was, I had to be careful. If I followed her lead with caution and docility, I knew I had half a chance.

In a state of strange calmness I moved towards the closet and opened it, only to find several cotton shirts and two dark pants hanging within it. I plucked one of the white shirts out, still on its hanger and ran my fingers carefully over the material. It was a soft blend of crisp cotton, a quality item crafted from fine materials. I examined the dark pants as I pulled them from the depths of the closet, they were thick and crisp, but not too heavy-a mix of cotton and the newer nylon fabric. Heavy leather boots had been placed at the base of the wardrobe and I plucked them out of their place and placed them on the floor beside me, marvelling at the solid feel of them and their shine.

I decided to freshen up, so I unbuttoned and shrugged out of my bed shirt and pulled on the crisp new shirt, momentarily surprised at the good fit. Adler must have gauged my size well, she was observant with almost everything, I smirked at her accurate estimation. Even the pants fitted well as I slipped them on eagerly, turning to face myself in the mirror to survey my new outfit as I fastened the buttons of my shirt and stooped to pull on the boots, which shone almost as brightly as Adler's. I wasn't used to such fitted clothes, I generally wore loose-fitting clothing, but this was a welcome change.

I tidied the mess of bed sheets , carefully smoothing out the creases with my hands, hurrying to get the room into a presentable order in case Adler suddenly appeared. I folded my bedclothes and placed them into the wardrobe, hurrying to shut the closet's door. I straightened my collar, determined to look my best and moved to the other side of the room, the soles of my boots snapping stridently on the floor. I opened the door leading out into the hallway and found that only one guard was positioned out guarding the door to Adler's office and the studio.

He regarded me silently and I announced myself. "Miss Kristin Feldt, I'm here to see Frau Obersturmbannführer Adler as per her request." His eyes softened in acceptance and he nodded, "Go ahead Miss Feldt, she is currently free." "Thank you." I raised my hand and knocked at Adler's office.

"Come in," a now familiar voice responded, from the other side. I pulled open the door and entered, feeling her presence, even as I closed the door behind me, keeping my head down modestly. I looked up to meet Adler's scrutinizing gaze from across her desk. "Good morning Kristin, you look very fine in those clothes," she welcomed me softly, her eyes scanning my figure openly, satisfied approval in her small smile.

"Good morning, Frau... Erika, I mean," correcting myself at Adler's expectant raised eyebrows. "Thank you for the clothes, they are very comfortable," I added, taking a careful step towards Adler, who was amidst a pile of folders and paperwork, a half finished coffee clutched in her hand.

"You slept well, I trust?" Adler asked, before her eyes watched me over the rim of her cup. "Yes. I found that I was quite comfortable." "You're a restless sleeper on the other hand," she stated, placing her cup on the table. "Pardon? How so?" I could not mistake the doubtless tone in her voice.

"There's a restlessness in your eyes, a darkness under your sockets that lingers even now," she rose from her chair, stepped around her desk and moved quietly towards me, her eyes never leaving my face. "Even you don't know the extent of this darkness, Kristin... But I see it, spreading through your mind and your flesh... A beautiful, ridden creature..." I looked away from her at the floor, numbness spreading through me at the truth in her words, she had become peculiarly sympathetic.

She walked around me, her hand running along my outer chest and trailing along to my other shoulder as she moved behind me. My nerves sparked with some kind of perplexing current as she came to face me again, her hand sliding up along my neck to cup the side of my face, turning my gaze back to focus on her.

Erika's other hand grasped the front of my shirt, even as she leaned in to place soft kisses along my jaw line, her lips moist and burning with their contact. I couldn't move myself under her touch, completely immobile as she held me in a state of debilitating trance. My legs became surprisingly unsteady and my arms ached to wrap around her, but I held off, unsure if she would permit me to touch her.

"I know this darkness within you, Kristin... It is what defines you now," Erika's words were murmured into my ear and I swallowed, closing my eyes, praying for some kind of deliverance from her intensity. I felt her power as she descended upon me, her lips stirring against mine as she pulled me deeper into her grasp, her tongue invading my vulnerable mouth, even as I tried to resist her for a moment. I gave in, terrified to anger her, somehow knowing that to resist her would be an offensive defiance, something that would lead to her revealing more of her darkness in the form of displeasure.

She stood back from me, quickly and without a trace of remorse at the distance between us, her demeanour changing as she returned to the seat at her desk. "I'll be here for the next half hour, Kristin, so you can carry on with your sketches while I sort through the rest of this paperwork."

I gathered what normal countenance I could as I nodded and went to collect the sketchbook and materials I needed from the studio adjoining her office. I felt her eyes on my back as I retreated into the studio to gather up the equipment I needed, not wanting to waste any time on proving my efficiency as an artist to Adler.

As I scrounged around for the items I required, my thoughts somehow wandered to my cousins as I found myself hoping that they were alive. Had they made it out of Germany after all? I shook myself, knowing I had more pressing matters to focus on and returned to Adler, who was downing the last of her coffee, looking like an icon of severity in the large chair behind her desk.

"Continue on then," she asked, her voice strong, almost as if she were giving an order. She could go from hot to cold in a moment, I noted, almost afraid of her change. She looked up at me from the paperwork and gave a brief nod, before continuing to flip through the pages, pen in hand and completely focused on her work.

It was almost as if I wasn't there for the entire half an hour, in which I brought her to life in my first sketch of her. After roughly half an hour her eyes honed in on me and I stopped the sketch to await her words, unable to function as she watched me. I wondered if I would ever get used to her forceful presence, the way her gaze could freeze the progress of time and leave it paralysed, just as she did to me.

"Well, I have duties to see to, and I will be away from this office for the rest of the day. However, I will return here this evening. I trust you will be well occupied today?" she placed the pen down and tidied the pile of papers. "Yes. I expect to make much further progress, and perhaps more when you return later."

"Good. I'll see you later today," Erika stood, her hair shining in the light in unison with the badges of her uniform. She had not softened, I could see, as her eyes burned with an impatience to tackle the tasks ahead.

"Take care," I nodded, standing as she strode away from her desk, dominance resonating from each of her steps, her flawlessly astute posture only accentuating the power of her movement. She raised an eyebrow and slunk from the room, opening and closing the door behind her.

The stillness of the room was not at all calming, as I stood there, running my fingers through my hair in frustration. In one moment Adler could be so friendly and inviting, then sensual and flustering, before transforming into the icy Obersturmbannführer I had known on first sight. There was something about her volatile changes which both terrified and excited me and I longed to understand her. I

needed

to experience her firsthand, which meant I would not only have to witness Adler's breed of darkness, but experience it directly. There was something about her that I sought after and had become disturbingly addicted to.

I left Adler's office and sauntered into the studio through the adjoining door, pacing the room in a state of trepidation. I thought of my cousins, worrying about them, knowing that they could be captured, or tortured or killed. I wrung my hands as I struggled to steady my mind, the studio felt confining, the walls seemed to force down in on me as my thoughts knotted and constricted themselves together. Markus and Sara could be dead, I panicked, my brow creasing in apprehension as I began to dwell on the seriousness of the situation.

God, why did I do it for them? I shouldn't have encouraged them to flee, but what other choice did I have? They were the only family I had-my parents had died in a tragic fire at a restaurant when I was three years old, I had survived as I was being cared for by a nanny at my childhood home. With no siblings, as I was my parent's firstborn and ultimately, only child, I had been raised by my Uncle and Aunt, with Markus, Sara and I being very close-they were almost like older siblings.

After Aunt Clementine had passed away from pneumonia as my cousins and I were progressing into our years of adolescence, Uncle Robert had turned to Judaism as a form of sustenance and optimism through his grief for the passing of his beloved wife. Although both Markus and Sara had become a part of the Jewish community through their father, they were not as devout as he, whereas I was not interested nor pressured to be a part of Judaism. Still, my nonexistent belief in Judaism was completely overlooked by the Nazis, they had demonstrated complete disregard for the fact that I myself wasn't Jewish.

I was uneasy that day, the worry in my mind keeping me preoccupied with thoughts of my cousins, knowing that if I was found out by the Nazis I would be interrogated and who knew what else. I knew I couldn't give them away, we had already lost Uncle Robert and I felt that I owed him, Mark and Sara, as they had provided me with a stable family life when I had no one else. I was determined to keep believing in Markus and Sara, they had to survive, and I needed to hold out hope for them.

2.

Despite the sickening worry that I felt all through the day, I had finished several detailed and realistic sketches of Adler, which had allowed me to gain a much more perceptive understanding of the form of her features. As the twilight hours fell and the sun slunk down beyond the distant city line, I heard footsteps approaching the studio and looked up as the door opened and Adler stepped into the room.

For a moment I only stared at her in silence, unsure of whether I should stand or remain seated, what would be more polite? Adler looked tired and somewhat tense for once, I observed, as she watched me sitting there, sketchbook in my lap and pencil in hand.

"Good evening, Kristin," the weariness was well hidden in her voice as she greeted me. "Hello," I replied, straightening in my seat as her gaze washed over me, bearing no readable emotion. Something told me not to ask her what her day had been like-she seemed rather flat in her distant manner. "It was an eventful day," she answered my unspoken question, remaining where she was, resting a hand on her hip with a sigh.

"What have you done so far?" she asked, looking curiously at the sketchbook which revealed another half finished sketch of her. "Quite a bit," I informed her, looking up as I hoped she would be pleased with what I had created so far; I did not want her to think I was being lazy or idle.

Adler took a few steps towards me then, reaching out towards me. "I'd like to see them up closer," she said, as I passed her the sketchbook, resting my hands in my lap, the pencil shaking in my fingers. Her presence had me trembling again, as I battled to retain my composed appearance. Even if I was cracking inside, I couldn't afford to let her see it too openly.

"Excellent," she whispered approvingly, drinking in each of the portraits as she carefully turned the pages, satisfied by my depictions of her. "Thank you," I replied, my heart suddenly twisting in a warped dance of contentment and joy.

She handed the book back to me after she had examined each of the sketches, smiling softly for once as I looked up at her. "We should continue with your work for a while. I will have dinner within the hour," in the brief silence before she spoke, I could see other words begging to be ushered from her lips.

"I don't feel like dining alone this evening, would you like to join me?" She looked somewhat hopeful as she stood there beside me-was she pining for my company? No, I dared not to hope, I thought, as I tried to focus myself on the present moment.

"Er, yes, if that's what you'd like?" I had been called on by a waiter for the past day, who had served me fairly decent meals in a highly courteous manner. However, I felt that obliging Adler with her suggestion, or politely worded demand, would be more beneficial rather than deciding to go against her wishes. "Very good," she seemed appeased then, as she moved to sit opposite me in the seat which she had occupied the first time we had begun her portrait, only the night before.

"We'll use the natural light this evening, if you don't mind?" I asked Adler, knowing that the way the light was falling on her enhanced her features in a way that the ceiling lights could not. "Go ahead," she permitted, nodding briskly.

Her posture was as strict and acute as usual, her uniform emphasizing her look of daunting power, her look of distinctive discipline. I felt a spark of tension shoot through me as I remembered her form stretched out above me, as I drove her to a roaring climax only last night. A part of me ached to see more of her-I was still yet to see her upper torso in a more revealing position, but I quickly tossed that fleeting thought aside.

In that last half hour of the dying light, I began sketching the base underlay of the portrait's composition. Adler's figure consisted of a mass of loosely structured pencil work while her facial features were also drafted with light outlines and shading. I had barely scratched the surface of what was yet to come with Adler's portrait.