Time after time, I have prayed to Allah and asked Him to banish these evil lesbian thoughts from my head. They plague me daily, and make life difficult for me. Word cannot get out about this, otherwise I'd be finished. My name is Adilah Muhammad, and I'm a young woman of Saudi Arabian descent living in the City of Ottawa, province of Ontario. I'm an International Student, majoring in Computer Science at Carleton University. I am a citizen of Saudi Arabia, a God-fearing woman and a practicing Muslim. I am also a lesbian, and proud to be.
I moved to Canada's Capital region from my hometown of Jeddah, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, in 2009. Four years later, although I've gotten used to life in the Confederation of Canada, I still feel torn between East and West, between my responsibilities and my desires, between being true to myself and following the expectations of my faith, my family and my strict, conservative culture. Yeah, life hasn't been a bed of roses for me, not by a long shot. Nothing worth having in this life is easy, I know, but must I get trounced by troubles both within and without on a daily basis?
Anyone looking at me would see a five-foot-nine, slim young Arab woman with dark bronze skin and light brown eyes. My hair, which I always keep covered under a modest hijab, is curly and black. I usually step out of my apartment wearing a loose, long-sleeved shirt and either a long skirt or jeans. Lately I've taken to wearing short skirts with leggings and boots underneath. I haven't worn the burka since I left the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and honestly, I don't miss it. When most people see me, they assume so many things. I'm a Muslim woman so I must be conservative and religious. Also, I'm allergic to anything fun, I'm shy and repressed, and I am submissive to men. The list of stereotypes Westerners hold about women like myself goes on and on.
If they bothered getting to know me, they'd discover that I'm the daughter of one of Jeddah's wealthiest clerics. My father Amir Muhammad is one of King Abdullah's closest political and religious advisors. My mother Amina is originally from Yemen and she comes from a prominent family as well. My family is wealthy and powerful. I grew up in a palace, I rubbed elbows with princes and princesses, and I'm used to having my way. Do I sound like a hapless, submissive twit to you? My parents decided to send me to study in Canada because we live in a changing world and even the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia isn't immune to the forces of change.
Pretty much everyone nowadays realizes that technology is the way of the future, and I've always shown an aptitude for working with computers. That's why when I asked my father to allow me to study abroad, he was more than happy about it. My father has always encouraged me to pursue my dreams. He is a decent and supportive man. Not at all like the stereotypes the media holds about Muslim fathers. I've always been the studious one in the family. My older brother Ishmail went to Boston University in Massachusetts to study business administration. After partying hard, chasing Western women and boozing for six years, Ishmail didn't even come home with a university degree. He flunked out of Boston University and returned to the Kingdom, broke and without a degree.
When he came home empty-handed, Ishmail was in for a world of pain. Our father isn't patient with fools, especially those who waste his time and money. I still remember Ishmail's screams as dad beat him with his belt. Even if you're a grown man or woman in Saudi Arabia, if you are unmarried and still live with your parents, you cannot escape their wrath. My father has never laid a hand on me because I'm the good one in the family. I honor my family, my faith and my God through my actions. I understand that actions have consequences and that it's prudent to always think ahead. My brother has never learned that. That's why dad sent him to the south, where he's got a midlevel job working the oil fields. Maybe the fool will do less damage there, since he's got to fend for himself for the first time in his twenty five years.
By sharp contrast, I've made the most of my time in the Confederation of Canada. I recently graduated from Carleton University with my bachelor's degree in Computer Science, then decided to stay for my Master's degree in business administration. Since I graduated with high honors in my program, my father was pleased and felt confident that should I pursue my MBA, I'll succeed where my brother has failed. That's why I'm still in Canada. In a couple of years, I'll have my MBA then I'll return to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia to become a high-level businesswoman. Now, you may wonder what opportunities await a woman with such a level of education in Saudi Arabia. I'll get to that soon.