A Portrait in Blue

When someone asked me the first thing I noticed about Renee the first day I started at White and Sutherland I would have to say it was her eyes, they were the bluest I'd seen in a while. They were a nice contrast to the thick blonde hair that tumbled past her shoulders in a tumbled mess of loose waves. Blue eye shadow merely emphasized her eyes, her face was angular shaped with a firm jawline and soft, succulent lips, and yet I wasn't attracted to women, I had a boyfriend although we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks.

She was half a head taller than me with a statuesque figure that could have graced the covers of a magazine or at the very least an Instagram feed. She was wearing a light blue, silk blouse buttoned to her throat, it was tucked into a dark blue, pencil skirt that stopped a few inches below her knees and when she rose to greet me I noticed her breasts pushing out slightly and caught the outline of her bra cups.

"I am Renee," she held out her hand.

"Bree Matheson," I stepped forward and took her hand.

"Bree is short for Breanna?" Renee's eyes softened.

"No, just Bree, at least that's what it says on my birth certificate. My mum was a hippie, in fact she must be the oldest hippie in the village."

"You say that like it is a bad thing," she kept her eyes locked on me and I felt myself almost melting under her gaze.

"I'm not," I smiled, "to each their own but sometimes I wish she'd realise that we can't all be tree huggers, some of us have to go out and work."

"Well you will certainly work here," she released my hand, "that is your desk," she nodded at a desk to my right. "It was mine but when Nancy left I stole this one because it is next to the window."

"Of course," I ran an eye over both desks, "you've got quite a view out there."

"It is your view too, I can share the view."

It was a throwaway line but it made me feel better. I'd been anxious about starting here because this was my first actual office job. I'd gone from a sales assistant at Debenhams to an office assistant at a small law firm in Edinburgh and although it was only a three month contract I'd been assured that the three months could and would be extended if I proved myself. Okay, it wasn't said quite like that but the inference was clear during the interview.

White and Sutherland handle workplace injuries and car accidents. It wasn't quite what I had in mind when I was in university but beggars can't be choosers. My main tasks are filing paperwork and making coffee for lawyers who sometimes remember to thank you. Renee is an actual legal aide and she prepares briefs for the lawyers and supervises the other three members of our office team. Renee had been at this job for quite a few years though.

"Six in total," she told me over lunch that first week, "the first two years I was in Hamburg and then I moved to London and spent eighteen months trying to convince myself that London was the place to be, but the rent was killing me. I came north to Manchester for a year, and went to Dublin for six months. They were the best six months of my life and now I am in Edinburgh."

"Were you born in Germany?"

"Yes," she stirred her coffee slowly, "I was born in Munster, but when I reached high school age we moved into Hamburg and by the looks of things I may end up moving back there."

I knew what she was talking about, Scotland voted to remain in the EU and while immigrants are pretty much welcome north of the border, in the absence of progress on Independence it looks as if we'll be forced out too. It creates a lot of unnecessary pain for EU citizens and I know that was what drew me closer to Renee. I only found out she was gay by accident when I pointed out some hot guy in Princes Street and she merely shrugged and said that while he was cute she'd rather have the woman he was standing at the tram stop with.

"She is cute."

"So, you're gay," I looked at her.

"Of course," she shrugged, "it is not such a big thing."

I agreed but part of me was mentally going back over the last few days. Had she checked me out and if so, was that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm twenty two and a size fourteen although I'm trying to get back to a twelve. I have dark brown hair that is straight and reaches the middle of my back, so I'm not unattractive but compared to Renee I did feel a little plain.

"So what kind of girls turn you on?" I eventually asked.

"The female kind," she smirked and then her eyes softened, "sorry, I am interested in women who are confident with their sexuality."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Women who are comfortable with their sexual identity," she licked the spoon, "I have had offers from women who are curious and when I was younger I was up for it but I have found that they lose interest once a suitable man comes along."

"So, they're just bisexual."

"Some were but I think quite a few were just curious. They wanted to try it with a woman and I do not like the butch women."

"Me neither," I replied.

"You find me attractive?" Renee flicked at her hair, "you want to kiss me?"

I blushed and she giggled.

"I am kidding, I am sorry. I should not joke like that."

"It's fine," I protested, "I'm fine with that. If you can't joke about it then you're just sad."

"I can joke about sex," she propped on her palm and studied me for a moment, "I like you, I do find you attractive."

"Me?" I blanched, "I'm a size fourteen but I'm working on losing weight for summer."

"You are not so big," her eyes shifted, "it is different for lesbians. We do not look so much for the physical but it is how we are with each other, if you complement the other then it is a good match. I have been with very beautiful women but their heads," she twirled a finger around her ear.

"Crazy bitches and then there were women who were quite plain but they were sweet inside, looks are not everything but you are attractive."

"Thanks but I still need to lose weight."

"Then join a gym," she sipped her cappuccino, "I go three times a week and run most mornings."

"I've tried going to a gym but I gave it up after guys kept asking me out."

"I go to an all woman one."

"Not a lesbian gym?" I raised my eyebrows.

"I wish," she sighed, "some of those women I could invite home for sexercise, but they are all straight, although one I think might be curious but we have talked already about that."

"So, maybe I'll come along and find out how curious she is," I replied.

That was the intention or so I told myself two days later when I stepped into the gym to find a couple of dozen women preparing to go through the motions. It was a group exercise session, starting with rotating hips, jumps and then squats. By the time we got to the push ups I was sweating and she didn't seem to be straining at all. I was kind of envious but because I'm quite polite I didn't show it, especially when she offered to split the taxi fare back home. Renee lives in Merchiston and I'm a little further away in Morningside. She actually invited me up when the taxi stopped outside her block but confessed she'd be a poor host because she had to wash the stink away.

"But you are welcome to sit and wait for twenty minutes, I have Netflix."

"Em, maybe another time," I replied, "but thanks."

"You are welcome," she nudged my leg. "Auf Wiedersehen."

My goodbye was lost in the wind and rain lashing the road but as she hurried inside I looked up at the top floor where she lived alone. I could never have afforded to live on my own, at least not this close to the city centre but she earned more money.

Nevertheless as the taxi drew closer to the flat I shared with another women, Renee was still on my mind. Would she be stepping out of the shower with a towel around her naked body or was she wearing a dressing gown? I came to with a start when the driver coughed and came to a halt. How long had I been thinking like that? It was inconceivable when you consider that I'd been out with quite a few gay friends and never once felt attracted to them, so what was it about Renee that had my mind in a whirl? As I stepped out of the shower half an hour later I resolved to find out one way or another.

The first step was to tap into her social media. I sent a Facebook Friend request and the reply came back just after I followed her on Twitter.

Renee: Have you stopped perspiring yet?

I laughed out loud at that and my flatmate, Gwen looked up with a quizzical look. She's studying philosophy at uni and I merely winked and went back to typing.

Bree: A hot shower took care of it, thank you for asking.

Renee: No wonder I was feeling wet.

It was an entertaining hour. Renee could flirt without breaking the rhythm, indeed it was a natural part of her makeup I discovered that night. It certainly put me at ease and maybe that's why I did admit to being slightly curious.

Renee: So, how curious? Kiss and tell or pussy licking?

Bree: Mildly curious, not something I've always wanted to do but I've got no hidden hangups about it, but if I was in the right situation with the right woman, maybe...

Nothing came of that night and the next day we joked about it and then went back to work, and that was pretty much how it went for the next month. I saw my boyfriend, Derek twice during that period but I didn't tell him about her and it wasn't because I was keeping anything from him. Derek came around for a fuck and afterwards he'd either fall asleep or play

Assassin's Creed

on the Play Station, which wasn't a bad thing. I was always able to fall asleep once the music started playing but the second time he came over was when it all blew up.

It started out okay, we got a curry takeaway and we did fuck, I fell asleep when he started playing

Assassin's Creed

and through a combination of alcohol and spicy food, I actually woke up thinking I was next to Renee instead of Derek. It took a few seconds to realise why I thought that because I could hear two women moaning and when I rolled over onto my back I found Derek was on

Porn Hub

and was watching some lesbian video. He jumped when I propped on my elbows and tried to turn it off but I told him it was okay.

"Whatever," he let go of the remote control.

I remember watching these two women going for it and thinking that okay, they were both acting because it's porn but a part of me was actually turned on by it and Derek noticed that and started teasing me. Even that was okay but then the teasing turned into something more serious.

"Maybe I should call Dolores, she'd be up for a threesome."

I froze up when he said that and he suddenly changed tack.

"Or maybe not."

"You cunt," I sat bolt upright, "what would you say if I suggested a threesome with Adam? How'd you like his cock up your arse? I can't believe you'd even suggest that."

"I was joking, babe."

"Don't babe me," I got out of bed, "and you weren't joking either," I reached for my dressing gown, "I'm going to have a shower and I want to come back to bed alone."

"Does this mean we're breaking up?"

"No, it doesn't mean we're breaking up," I grabbed my nightie, "I just want to be alone for the fucking night, is that all right with you?"

He threw his arms up in the air and shouted another apology that was heard by Gwen but when I got out of the shower he was gone and Gwen was sitting with her laptop. I collapsed into the couch beside her and let out a sigh.

"What's up with him?" Gwen looked up through her large round glasses, "he just stormed out. Did you guys break up?"

"Kind of, he was watching lesbian porn and then suggested we have a threesome."

"What? Us three?" Gwen stared at me.

"No, Dolores."

"Ew," she pushed her glasses further up her nose, "that is sick. I mean I like Dolores but I wouldn't shag her."

"Me neither," I closed my eyes, "if he'd just been joking I might have just laughed but he had this look in his eye like you know?"

"Been there, got the tee shirt," she closed the laptop, "but seriously if you want an excuse to break up with him he just gave you one and I know at least three guys at uni who would love to go out with you. They've seen you on my Facebook page."

It was a tempting thought and I did consider it intermittently that next day as I waded through piles of paperwork. It must have affected my work because I made a couple of errors that Renee picked up almost right away, and when it happened a third time she propped her chin on her hand and studied me for a few moments.

"You are feeling okay?"

"I had a fight," I mumbled, "with my boyfriend."

"Ah," her eyes shifted, as if that answered everything, "when I fight with a woman I punish my body with Burger King and then spend the next week sweating at the gym."

"I'm sorry," I offered, "I'll try to focus more on work."

"What did you fight about?"

I paused before telling her, after all, as much as I liked her I didn't feel like letting her in on my love life but because I was still finding my feet and anxious to prove myself I told her about the fight and she sighed when I'd finished.

"It is a man thing," she replied, "they have this fantasy about women having sex with each other, and I can understand that but then they want to get in between the women and join in. What they do not realise is that you do not get in between two lesbians, it always ends in tears."

"I'm thinking of breaking up with him," I burst out, "Gwen wants to introduce me to some of her friends from uni, all guys."

"That might be a good idea," she glanced at the clock on the wall, "it is lunch time and I am hungry, come, we will find somewhere to eat."

Our regular spot in Princes Street was filled with tourists that day, but we had another one in Rose Lane that was a little more intimate although the décor is kind of tacky and the fact it is quieter added a little more atmosphere. I felt more able to open up about my relationship with Derek, which to be honest sounded about almost mutually abusive. We'd first met at T in the Park fifteen months ago and it had been love at first fuck.

"It was kind of romantic that our anniversary coincided with a music festival," I conceded, "I mean we went to the last one and it felt good but the last few months I have the feeling that we're just friends with benefits. He lives and works in Glasgow but twice a month he comes here to manage a store and stays at my bit."

"Is he seeing someone else?"

"He says he's not but I always told him we weren't exclusive to each other. To be honest I think he is seeing other women but I'm not seeing anyone else."

"Why not?"

"Because it's convenient," I replied a moment or two later. "I have him in my life because it means I don't have to play the dating game. He comes around twice a month, we have sex, he stays a night and then he's gone. It's not such a bad arrangement but I know it can't last, it's almost like I've put my love life on hold to avoid making a decision."

"So what happens if you make a decision to leave him?"

"Now that opens up a whole new can of worms," I propped on my palms.

She raised her eyebrows and I sighed.

"My love life was messy before I met him, I'd go home with guys I'd only known for a couple of hours. If I can thank Derek for something, he did at least keep me out of the clubs."

"I hate the clubs," she leaned back and flicked her hair back over her head, "it is a meat market, but when I was younger I did like them. I lost my virginity in the toilet of a club in Hamburg."

"Who was she?" I paused, "or was it a guy?"

"You were right the second time," she grimaced, "I was searching, I knew I felt differently about guys than my friends but I just wanted to try it to make sure. So, I let this guy come onto me, we danced for a while and then went into the toilets and just did it. Afterwards I knew that while it was fun because it was sex in a public place, it was not what I wanted. The next week I did the same thing with a woman at the same club and compared the two. I definitely preferred the woman to the man but even then, it took a few months before I finally accepted that I was gay."

"So, you weren't born that way?"

"I do not know if I was born that way or just grew up different. My parents always taught me that I could be anything I wanted and that even if I was to turn gay they would still love me. When I did come out they were happy for me."

I have fond memories of that lunch, because although we usually had lunch together, this was the first time I actually opened up about my fucked up family. Perhaps I was just feeling a little isolated after Derek's suggestion and the admission that it was a dead end relationship. I told her about my hippie mother who worked in a charity shop and came home to sit on the computer and play

Candy Crush

and

Pirate Kings.

My dad lives on the Costa del Sol with his new wife and they have three children and one on the way. My older sister lives in Manchester with her boyfriend. I moved out of home just to get away from mum and find my feet but all I'd found was more lost and lonely people.

I know I told her too much but it was almost alluring to unburden myself to an older woman who didn't even interrupt, which threw me at first because I'd stop talking and wait for the inevitable answer but instead she'd ask a question that I had to answer. It felt like a whole hour but in reality it was barely half an hour and I felt almost naked at the end as we prepared to leave.

"We should do this more often," she told me, "just sit and talk."

"Maybe next time you can do all the talking."

"Perhaps," she reached for her handbag, "but all good things must end and we have to go back to work again."

The idea didn't come to me until we were halfway along Rose Lane.

"Perhaps we could have dinner together," I glanced at her, "not a candlelit dinner, just something casual at home."

"My place or yours?"

"Your place," I replied.

"It is a date," she shrugged.

Those four words stuck with me for the rest of the day and I know I could have chosen to think of it as just a date with a girlfriend without the obvious lesbian overtones but my world had been slowly but surely realigning to accommodate this woman. I knew I really liked her and while I kind of half admitted to myself that she was attractive I wasn't quite at the get naked stage with her.

The date night was Friday night, which was our regular Friday gym session but she suggested we skip the session and we could always go for a run the following day.

"To work off the calories."

Friday morning dawned and because we were going straight to her place from work I laboured over my outfit a little longer than usual. I eventually settled for a white blouse, a black leather skirt that zipped up the front, and a black tailored jacket. It had been a while since I'd worn the skirt but I was feeling just a wee bit bolder, the leather skirt seemed like a good way to express it. Besides, we were going for dinner at her place. The skirt got a few comments from my colleagues but I loved Renee's one.

"Great skirt, you look like a rock singer."

She was wearing a pale blue, satin blouse with generous pleats in the bodice and a placket that concealed the buttons, it was tucked into a black, satin pencil skirt and accessorised with a wide belt that had an ornate, silver belt buckle, knee-high black boots with silver buckles and zippers.

"We're both wearing black skirts," I smiled.

Because we were seeing each other for dinner that night, we skipped our usual sit down lunch, instead electing for a takeaway meal deal from Boots and then wandered through Debenhams and, Marks and Spencer. We didn't buy anything but the conversation veered between fashion and the upcoming dinner and eventually she bought a salad from Marks that would complement the meal. When I mentioned that perhaps I should bring dessert she quipped that I could do that or maybe I might be the dessert.