I will not name the government agency where much of this story takes place. I left the agency several years ago, but I still have friends there, hence the caution. Names of the people involved have also been changed, of course, but other than that, this is what really happened.
I know that it can be foolish to trust memory to accurately relate events from eleven years ago, but I can recall these particular experiences with a vividness that can still steal my breath. I've also had the advantage of being able to compare notes with the other person who was so intimately involved with these goings-on. For the purposes of this story, I'll call her Cindy and myself, Jennifer. I'm going to begin my tale in mid 1998, so let me describe what I looked like then: a 5'6" twenty-six year-old with brunette hair cut stylishly short. I've been told often enough that I'm beautiful and when I see the way men look at me, I believe it must be true. Though I had recently had a baby, a good diet and strict exercise routine helped me to regain my pre-pregnancy figure quickly. My breasts were full and surprisingly perky, and I had shapely hips and legs that I was proud of. But, if I'm any judge, I think my strongest physical asset was my smile.
At any rate, it was in June of that year that I first learned of my husband James' hypothyroid condition. We had been married for three years, and up to that point James was mellow, had a bubbly sense of humor and stayed in excellent physical condition.
He was conscientious regarding his diet and went to the gym 4 or 5 days a week for vigorous workouts. In fact, the gym is where we first met. I had been attracted to and turned on by his wonderful physique since the day we met.
But, in June of '98, I gave birth to our first child and around the same time, James began to put on weight, despite his remaining faithful to his diet and exercise regimen. He was only 29 at the time, so you could hardly blame it on "middle age spread". Besides, the changes weren't only physical ones. James' easygoing personality began to be replaced by erratic behavior and frightening mood swings.
As the pounds piled up and James' conduct worsened, I finally convinced him that he needed medical help. This is how we found out that his thyroid gland had essentially ceased functioning and that he would be required to take medication for the rest of his life.
Reading and adjusting thyroid levels is not an exact science, however. The medication slowed the weight gain and took the edge off his behavior somewhat, but I never got my husband back. The man that I married was gone forever.
I could have handled his weight gain. After all, it's not as if I expected the two of us would remain young and beautiful forever. My husband was very attractive, but I didn't marry him for his looks. And, I probably could have eventually wrapped my head around the loss of our sex life. A dramatically reduced libido is one of the many unfortunate symptoms of hypothyroid disorders. I've always had a healthy sexual appetite, so it made the adjustment difficult, but I don't think impossible. No, the hardest part to deal with was the personality change. The disease replaced my charming, energetic and romantic husband with a tired, irritable man who sometimes flew into raging tirades at little provocation.
As you can imagine, it was exhausting caring for a baby with a partner who required as much patience as the child. So, after three months home with the baby, it was with some relief that I went back to my federal job. For one thing, the change in environment was a welcome relief. I had a good deal of work to catch up on and that didn't leave me much time for wallowing in self pity. Another, more important benefit was that I would once again have the regular company of my closest friend and confidante.
All that I've recounted so far has been painful to recall. Here, at last is a subject I can warm to:
Cindy.
I met Cindy when I first came to the agency in 1993, so I've known her a year longer than I've known my husband. We hit it off immediately and soon became inseparable, almost always spending our lunch hours and coffee breaks together.
Cindy has a contagious exuberance and a quick, ready wit that often had me convulsing with laughter. Her statuesque beauty and flirty manner have turned many a head in our building and outside of it on our frequent lunchtime excursions. Let me give you a picture of her to carry you through the rest of my narrative: Cindy is two years older than I and about 5'8" with a wonderfully rounded voluptuousness. Her complexion is a glowing coffee with lots of cream and a smattering of faint, cinnamon freckles. Her hazel eyes often glimmer with mischief and her smile lights up her face and any room she's in. To top it all off, dark, lustrous mid-length hair frames those lovely features.
Now after that lavish physical description, you might assume that I had a crush on Cindy. But, to be quite honest, I was not attracted to her so much as I admired her. But, you would, after all, have to be blind not to see how stunning she is.
Cindy also has a generous, caring nature, quick to offer a helping hand or a sympathetic ear. I told her in my first couple of weeks back at work some of what was going on with James and I, but I was reluctant to dump too much in her lap. Besides, a part of me felt like I was betraying my husband by divulging our marital woes. So, while Cindy had the general impression that I was miserable, I hadn't yet related too many details.
On September 16, 1998, that changed (keep reading and you'll see why the date is so firmly fixed in my memory). Cindy and I had gone to lunch that day as we almost always did. I'm afraid I was distracted, depressed and generally poor company. She tried her best to snap me out of it, but I could only manage tepid smiles in response to her usual banter. On the way back to work, we walked the first couple of blocks in silence when she leaned close and broke my reverie, "You know, I'm really beginning to worry about you, sweetie."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Cin! I realize what a drag I must be today. I... "
"Don't you dare apologize! With everything you've had on your plate lately, it's a wonder you're not comatose. When we get back, I want you to come on down to my office. We are gonna have an overdue heart-to-heart."
"Look, Cin, I really appreciate the offer, but... "
Cindy stopped in the middle of the lunchtime crowd on a downtown street and turned me to face her. Her hands went to my shoulders as she looked me earnestly in the eye and said, "Hon, you just don't get it. I'm not gonna accept 'no' for an answer. I don't care what work is waiting on your desk or mine. I've known you long enough and care about you deeply enough to take the liberty of insisting. You've been walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders and if you don't unburden yourself soon, you're going to collapse."
With that, she took my arm in hers and steered me back to our building and her office. Once we were inside Cindy's office, she locked the door, pulled the guest chair close to hers and gestured for me to have a seat. After I was settled, she scooted closer, took my hands in hers and quietly spoke, "Talk to me, hon."
I felt a welter of emotions swirling in me with no idea how to begin expressing them. After a moments hesitation, I tried to speak, but all that came out was a wracking sob. And boy, oh boy, once the floodgates opened...
With my vision blurred by tears, I saw a look of concern on Cindy's face. She stood up and pulled me into her arms. My head rested on her shoulder and I cried like a baby. Cindy's left arm encircled me while her right arm soothingly stroked my back. She murmured in my ear, "It's okay, sweetie. Let it all out. Take as long as you need. You're safe here."
God, I can't tell you how much I needed exactly that. With all that had been going on, I hadn't realized how long it had been since someone simply held me; since I felt loved. And Wow! Didn't I feel enveloped in love just then.
It was strange, though, that as my tears subsided, I began to be aware of Cindy's subtle perfume, her warmth under my hands, in my arms and pressed against me, the swell of her breasts just above mine. I mean, we had hugged many times before, but this was different.
As this heightened awareness permeated my senses, Cindy pulled back slightly and cupped my face in her hand, asking, "Feel any better, hon?"
That's when it happened.
I looked in her eyes, closed the small space between us and pressed my lips to hers.
Now, I have no reason to lie to you here, so believe me when I tell you that before that moment, I had never seriously considered another woman sexually or romantically. But, just then, I felt so loved, so wanted, I just responded reflexively.
