A New Life 50

Just as a side note, this is a spin-off of a side story in my Friends series. There is no need to read any of that. This story is fully independent. But if anyone wants to read a description of the opening phone call from Michelle's side, it happens in my story Lisa's Game.

Warning, this story does contain a suicide.

Bzzz. Bzzz.

I look at my phone and I see

Call from Michelle

About time, I think. I was starting to worry about her. She works too hard.

"Hi sweetie. How are you doing?"

Sorry I haven't called recently -

"You work too hard. I know your job is important, but take care of yourself!"

Mom, it hasn't been work. I think I am in love!

"That's wonderful dear. What's his name?"

Her name is Lizzie

Oh, my. I need to have a real talk with her. Probably now. I take a deep breath and work up my courage.

"I have to tell you something, Michelle. I was always attracted to girls. I still am. But that would not have been acceptable when I was growing up, at least not in my family. I dated your father when he came courting to cover it up. I married him to make my family happy. I don't hate sex with your father, but I do avoid it. That is probably part of why you are an only child. Your father has no idea."

I had no idea, Mom. I didn't realize I was interested in women until this summer. My friend at work Lisa got me to re-examine myself. Lizzie is on my basketball team. She is so good. Much better than I ever could have hoped to be. She does some sort of techie work, I haven't quite figured out what yet.

She pauses for a moment. I am not sure she took a breath for the last stretch.

She is so dreamy. I love her soooo much.

I can just see her, with her eyes shut, saying that last bit.

There is a longer pause.

Mom, do you think you can tell Dad? I am not sure how he will take this.

"Not well, I am afraid. I will try to break it to him when I think he can be receptive. But don't worry about him. I am so happy that times have changed enough that you can live your life and follow your heart. I wish I could have."

Mom, you are only 46 and still very attractive. Why not? Go out on your own. I know you don't love Dad. He might even realize that.

"I don't think I can. How would I support myself? What would I tell my friends?"

Just think about it. I love you, Mom

"I love you, too, sweetie."

I will have to think hard about how to tell this to Charles. He will not take it well.

I go into the living room, where Charles has the Yankees on. But he is only half watching, as he sips his scotch.

"Was that you on the phone, Bethany?" he asks.

"Yeah, Michelle called."

"What did my princess have to say?"

"She told me she is in love."

"So are we going to get a grandson? Do we know his name? Can he support her? When do we get to meet him?"

"I forget the name. She said something about being in tech. And I don't think they are far enough along to think about kids. Or even meeting the parents."

"Tech usually pays pretty well. It is about time. She was already five when you were her age."

He thinks for a minute, then continues, "I was worried with her playing basketball. I am not sure why you let her do it. Girls shouldn't play sports. And I hear that girl's basketball is full of deviants, between the perverts trying to get into their locker rooms and half of the players are damned lesbians. It's a miracle she came out of it okay. A testament to how well we raised her, I think."

"It certainly is, dear."

I decide not to point out that I played tennis in high school. He thought that was nice when he started dating me.

This is going to be as bad as I was afraid it might be.

I fret all evening about it. At least we moved into separate bedrooms when Michelle went off to college seven years ago. I only have to put up with him insisting on having access to my body once or twice a month. I am probably safe tonight. I realized I lied to Michelle about that; I do hate sex with him.

We have our usual breakfast with no real conversation and then he is off to work for the day. I start thinking about my phone call yesterday with Michelle again as I am cleaning up. God, I envy her. She is right, though, I really should leave him.

I have a tennis lesson at 10:30 and then I am having lunch with Amanda at the club at 11:45. She is certainly the most open minded of my friends. And hates Charles, which is probably not unrelated. I think I will talk to her about all this and see what she suggests.

I half watch the TV that is on as I putter around the kitchen until it's time for tennis. My lesson goes poorly; I don't seem to have my head in what I am doing. After the lesson, I take my shower and change into a nice summer dress. Labor Day may have been earlier this week, but it still feels like mid August out there.

They seat me at our table while I am waiting for Amanda. Can I really tell Amanda about Michelle? What if she is shocked? Or she won't talk to me anymore? Or she laughs at me?

I have to tell myself to calm down. Amanda is very accepting about people. It's one of her best qualities. She might laugh, but if she does, it will be imagining Charles's reaction when I finally find the nerve to tell him.

When I see Amanda coming over, I stand up and give her a polite hug as she arrives. Looking at her, much of my fears about talking to her melt away; she has this caring, compassionate face that makes me feel warm inside.

"I have something I have to tell you," I say, "But it really has to stay a secret. No one can know. Especially not Angie."

We both laugh. Angie will try to get you to tell her something in the strictest of confidence; five minutes later, she is posting about it on facebook.

"What's this big secret?"

"Michelle called last night and told me she is in love."

"That's wonderful!"

"She is in love with another woman."

"Oh, I see," she says, trying not to laugh, "Have you told Charles yet?"

"I told him she told me she was in love. I left out the part about it being a woman. He just assumed it was a man, of course. Michelle asked me to tell him. I have no idea how I am going to do it."

"If you were hoping I was going to have a brilliant idea how to convince your husband to accept that his little princess is a lesbian, I'm fresh out. I almost want to be there when you tell him, just to watch his heart break."

"More I just needed to tell someone. The last fifteen hours since she called me is eating me up."

"How was she doing otherwise?"

"Oh she is doing very well. I think I told you she got a big promotion at work last month. She works too hard, although it is fun when I see her in the background at some press conference. I watch the news about every major crisis in a small city, just to see if she is helping out."

"That's right, she does PR consulting for cities and towns, right?"

"Yeah. I may be her mother, but I think she does really well with it. Her new friend plays basketball with her, I think that's how they met, and is some sort of a techie."

"You probably should try to call her 'girlfriend' when talking to Michelle. Friend sounds like you are trying to deny the relationship.

"But, I didn't know Michelle was playing basketball again. She liked it so much in high school."

"Yeah, she joined a co-ed adult league earlier this summer. Oh, and you will approve of this, She wants to me leave, Charles."

"She told you that?"

"In so many words, yeah."

Amanda looks at me carefully. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to, but something more is going on. I can see that in your face. Is Charles cheating on you?"

I look surprised. "Not that I know of."

I look down at my salad to avoid her eyes. If I caught him cheating, that would actually make everything easier. I could divorce him and get a good settlement and no one would know any better. God, that would be my saving grace. If only it were true.

Amanda breaks my thoughts, saying, "As I said, you don't have to tell me, but you need to tell someone what's going on. Something more than Michelle coming out of the closet is the real thing that is eating you up. More than even worrying about trying to tell Charles. For all I joked earlier, I certainly don't envy you in that task.

"But you are better than almost anyone I have ever known at acting like everything is roses, no matter what is happening. We have been friends for fifteen years now and I have never seen anything eat at you like this. So if you can't tell me, let me know that you are talking to someone. This is not healthy for you."

She is right, of course. I gulp as I feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

I look at her and say, "I admitted something to Michelle last night that I have never said out loud before. And now I am about to say it again."

I take another deep breath, before continuing, "I have known since eighth grade that I was attracted to women. Only women. I have known it, but I never even said it to myself. Even in my head.

"Once I said it last night to Michelle, it became much more real. I don't know what to do. I can't leave Charles. What would I say to people? How would I support myself? Finding out that he was having an affair would be a godsend. A get out of jail free card."

A few tears are starting to run down my cheeks. She reaches over and dabs them off my cheek with her napkin. She reaches out her other hand and I grasp it tightly.

"Were you going to eat much more? I was thinking you might want to head to the ladies room and wash up while I settle the check. Let's see if we can take a stroll and find a bench where we can chat away from people. I don't have another appointment until two."

I wipe my face with my napkin and head to the ladies room, hoping no one notices me. When I have washed my face and checked twice in the mirror, I come out to find Amanda waiting by the door.

The club has some formal gardens. I think they are designed to let people have private conversations. We find a bench.

"Have you ever been with a woman?" Amanda asks.

I am surprised by her forwardness, but I opened this can of worms.

"No, I started dating Charles at the beginning of tenth grade. He was a senior. I wasn't actually interested in him even then, but I was afraid everyone would guess that I was broken if I turned down a popular, handsome senior. To this day, I have no idea why he asked me out.

"Once I started dating him, I never felt like I had a way out without everyone knowing about me. He proposed to me right before he started his senior year of college. My family expected me to say yes, so I didn't really have a choice.

"I told Charles I wanted to save myself for marriage. I did have to let him feel me up by the end and I was giving him handjobs."

I am turning bright red as I say this. I realize I don't have to be this specific.

"I was a virgin on our wedding night and he is the only person I have ever kissed or touched sexually at all."

I look at her. "Have you?"

She answers, "I was bisexual until Steve and I went exclusive. I am still attracted to women and men, but I have no intent to ever cheat on him."

I am surprised to hear that. She is a couple of years younger, but she was much braver than I was.

"I think most women I know our age at least fooled around with women a little in college. But I guess you were already exclusive."

"And I went to a conservative religious college, at least the two years I was there before we got married. I never got a degree. I have never worked anywhere. How could I ever support myself?"

"Correction, you have never worked outside the house. You do amazing things, hosting big parties, cooking for large groups, organizing local community affairs. Those are all skills that have real value in the business world, too. You present yourself very professionally as well. There are plenty of careers that you would excel at."

"You really think so?"

"I know so. I think I am coming up with a plan, if you can survive with Charles for a few more months."

"Until last night, I was assuming I was stuck with him for the rest of my life. I think I can manage a few months. So what is this big plan?"

"The first trick will be to convince Charles to let you start working somewhere. My first thought is as a realtor because that is what I know. You understand what makes a high end home look appealing and valuable. You could get your license pretty quickly and I might be able to get my firm to sponsor you. It is a classic role for trophy wives to pursue. You could tell Charles you want to build up your own fund to help Michelle pay for her wedding. Blame it on inflation, too. That should work with him."

"I think I can sell that one to him. Can I really get a license that easily?"

"It's mostly a single forty hour course and a bunch of exams. You will find it easy. If you save all your earnings, you should have first, last and security saved in a few months. As soon as you do and are comfortable, find an apartment and move out. If you have to move sooner, look for someone who needs a roommate. You will be safe for lots of women looking for someone. It just means you have less privacy."

"That safety valve seems like a good idea."

"If everything suddenly goes south, you can stay with us for a few weeks until you can find somewhere permanent. If you share an apartment, you can save some money and maybe go finish your degree. You can work part-time as a realtor between classes. You have two years of classes you said?"

I nod.

"And I bet you can get at least a semester of life learning credits, so that only leaves you three semesters before you have your bachelor's degree. Maybe even two semesters and a summer if you work hard. Now, you will not be living in luxury. No more tennis pros. No more fancy dinners out or big shopping trips. Or expensive travel. You do realize that, don't you?"

"Yeah. That will be hard, but I also won't have to put up with him wanting sex from me anymore either. Nor hear him rant about deviants destroying the country."

"You really do hate him now, don't you?"

"Hate is probably a strong word. A few days ago I would have said I loved him as a knee jerk reaction. But I think I am just comfortable with him in many ways. Comfortable with my life. People look at me and think I have it made. I like that. It's been thirty years since we first started dating. He has been part of my entire adult life. It is hard imagining not having him there.

"But I also resent him and that resentment is growing. It helped a little bit that we moved into separate bedrooms after Michelle went to college. I do hate him when he comes into my bedroom and insists that I have to perform my marital duties. And I hate him when he rants. I used to pretend it just embarrassed me. Now that I have admitted who I am, I realize how much he was ranting against me. It was easier just to pretend to myself that I was just embarrassed by him, but the truth is every one of those words stung me deep inside. That lit a rage that is starting to come to the surface."

"I am so sorry, Bethany."

She reaches out and we hug each other tightly. I can feel her breasts pressed against mine. I have given women hugs before, but I never let myself experience the sexuality of the moment. And she said she is bisexual. And is still attracted to women. Is she enjoying feeling my breasts against her?

I squeeze her tightly one last time and pull back, saying, "Thank you. Both for the hug and this whole conversation. I feel much better than I have at any point since before Michelle called."

I stand up and then turn to her again, "I am sorry to ask this, but are you attracted to me?"

"Of course I am, you are a beautiful woman."

"Would you mind kissing me? I am not intending to go any further and I know you want to stay loyal to Steve and I wouldn't want to interfere. But I would like to feel what it is like to kiss a woman."

She stands up and pulls me towards her and kisses me passionately. Far more passionately than Charles has ever kissed me. I wrap my arms around her while we kiss. I don't want this to stop, but she does.

"Thank you. That was wonderful."

It really was. I carry the memory of that kiss with me all afternoon and even into dinner with Charles.

When I close my eyes to go to sleep, I remember that kiss. I can feel the warmth in my loins as I drown myself in the memory. I pull my nightgown up and push my hand inside my panty. I have only touched myself a few times in the last thirty years. I associate anything sexual with his intrusions. But that kiss was so different. I reach my fingers in.

I am surprised by how slippery and wet I am. I am not used to it. My finger feels so good tonight. I imagine Amanda is kissing me as I find my pleasure spot. This feels better than it ever has, proper rather than dirty, something my soul craves.

I have the best orgasm I have ever had. Of course, I can probably count on my two hands all the climaxes I have reached in my life.

I make us breakfast before he is off to play his Saturday round of golf. Not long after he is gone, I get a call from Michelle. She knows his golf schedule; it hasn't changed in over a decade.

"Hi sweetie. How's Lizzie?"

Lizzie is dreamy as usual. Did you tell dad?

"Not yet. I started down the path, but he went off on one of his rants and I let it go. It might take a while."

I know. I am sorry to stick you with that. But I have some other fun news. First off, I told Marty, my boss, about Lizzie. He told me he knew I was a lesbian when he hired me. He was wondering how long it would take me to realize it.

"How did he know?"

He has like a sixth sense to understand what people really mean and think and want. Lisa, my co-worker who gave me all my support as I was going through this, calls him spooky.

"I don't think I would like being around him."

You would love him. Everyone does. He is the kindest, sweetest old man in the world.

"I am glad you like working for him dear."

But the fun news is about Lisa. You know I am trying to put together PR pieces for the other three who just got promoted with me. Her husband was on the cover of Wired magazine this month. And they used a picture Lisa drew of him for the cover art.

"That's nice for them, but I don't see what that has to do with you."

Do you know how much easier it is to get press about someone who is famous? Even it is only her husband, he is like big news right now and that rubs off on her. He was on Good Morning America and NPR already. I know you don't get it, but it is so exciting for a PR person to be close to someone that is that hot right now.

"Was he the one on Good Morning America yesterday? I think I saw him. He was geeky, but funny. And I think I actually learned some stuff about AI. That's cool that you know him. But I have some news for you."

What's your news

"I had lunch with Amanda yesterday. I told her about you. I told her you said I should leave your father. But she knew something more was bothering me; she pushed and I confessed to her that I was attracted to women."

That was brave of you, Mom. I am really proud of you.

"Well, she is helping me find a way to leave him. She wants me to become a realtor. Just in case dad talks to you, my official reason for getting a job will be to save money for a wedding for you."

You don't have to pay for a wedding. If we get married, that's probably a ways down the road.

"I assumed that, but it lets me keep a separate account I can use for my savings to move out."

Okay, I get it.

"She told me she is bisexual and we kissed. And it was wonderful. It won't go any further than that because she won't cheat on Steve. But I wanted to know what it was like to kiss another woman. I loved it. I can still taste her, feel her pressed against me."