Chapter 1
My story is one of dismay born of a shocked heart and mind, and who knows what of my soul, if such there is.
Doubting was something new to me, specifically about my church beliefs. I had gone to church faithfully since shortly after I was born, my parents being faithful Christians, and attending the same church for many years.
It was a good church, one in which most of the people were very friendly, always concerned about each other, and more than willing to help when one was in need. For the longest time I was more than comfortable in it, had many friends, though none were really close. There were a few of us that one could say constituted a group; that is, where one of us was when not at home, the others were usually there too.
Much was preached about love, and some of the scriptures were expounded from the pulpit. As far as being radically opposed to certain things as some churches were, that was not the case in our church, yet those things were preached against from time-to-time. While much was made of politics in some churches, and some politicians loudly pushed their beliefs as they stumped for votes for whatever election was to be held, our preacher didn't follow in that vein. Still, he did agree with much of what was said, and occasionally sprinkled his sermons with those beliefs.
Conservatism, "family values", and most of all, our "family" of believers coming together to hear the word of God, and enjoy fellowship with each other as we praised God thereby, could be said to be what we were. If there was such a thing as Americana, I thought it was in our church. We were homogenous, though exclusively anglicized, though no attempt was made to make us exclusively so—it just happened naturally.
We, the group, all were a part of the Young Christians, and our leader was the Youth Minister, Brother Albert. He was a good person, personable, and did all he could to make things interesting for us. Helping him was his betrothed, Maggie, another good and sweet person that we all liked. She too, made our meetings something to be looked forward to.
My problem started when I began to grow uncomfortable around my group, as well as other girls, particularly, Mary Beth. At first, I hid my nascent feelings very well, but in time, they started to grow to where I had to work on them, suppress the strange sensations I was beginning to feel whenever I was around her, or later, when she just came to my mind as a thought, or even just a sensing. It all began to be too much for me, and unfortunately, I was made to truly wonder about what was happening within me. Thankfully, Mary Beth wasn't a part of our group, nor in my gym class.
Worse though was that homosexuality was being mentioned too much in the news in so many ways that it was just about impossible for it to escape my wondering mind if that was my problem—was I a homosexual, a lesbian?
I hadn't had any problems after gym classes when they ended and we all took our communal shower, but my wondering about me and how I was starting to feel toward Mary Beth had me becoming uncomfortable. That was in my junior year of high school, and I was worrying about not just my new feelings, but about my senior year yet to come. However, seeing all of the girls in the new light that had my attention didn't help as I began to wonder what Mary Beth looked like too.
At the time I thanked God for all of the good teachings that were given to me in his church thus when thoughts of my unseemly new nature tried to occur to me, I reminded myself of God's will, his desires for all of us, and for my salvation, of course. I also worried that somewhere along the line I might slip and thus be noticed, or just as bad, that I would be seen in an extreme distancing of myself from Mary Beth, and set people to wondering.
Needless to say, I began to suffer the pangs of hell. It didn't help when those times when our pastor did take up what was increasingly popular in conservative circles, and let us all know the abomination homosexuality was in the sight of God, and what would befall those who gave into such sinning. I was increasingly becoming sure that I must have homosexual tendencies, though why was something that troubled me sorely.
My days were a living hell, if such a thing were possible, as I was plagued by the sight of the girls in the shower in my senior year, and yearned for Mary Beth more and more until she was an obsession with me. Just what I yearned to do with Mary Beth was a mystery, and I dared not try to learn just what lesbian love was. That would surely be self inflicted punishment on myself.
In time, my normal way of being began to be noticed as changing; to be certain, my worrying drove me to be more solitary. That I was thought to be very studious helped me as the others in our group, as well as my parents, thought I might be worrying about getting into a good college, and thus was becoming even more serious in my studies. Of course, I did nothing to dispel that notion. I needed all the help I could muster, and there was little I could come up with to help myself. No, I was grateful for every gift of circumstance that presented itself.
Thankfully, I did get through my senior year, and graduated third in my class of over four hundred. It was enough to gain me a scholarship to a good college, and best of all, though I hated it, Mary Beth was going to a different college, and some distance away. All in our group were going to different colleges also.
Chapter 2
There were so many subjects that interested me, so I couldn't say what major I aspired to, so I left it open, more or less, as a liberal arts major. The new setting gave me a respite from my growing obsession with Mary Beth, but that only opened me up to the many other girls in the college. Thankfully I was very busy with my schedule and beginning classes, so I was able to act as if those were my only interests.
Thankfully, there were three other girls in my dorm room, and two of them were very interested in the great selection of young men, particularly if they were jocks. The other one was pretty anti-social, or put on that facade, which I suspected it was. At any rate, the two, Julie and Terri were often out, so that left me to study in peace. However, all the classes I was taking were pretty easy for me. Dara, the unsocial one, was generally out, but when she was there, she buried her nose in her books too.
Scouring the map as to where what was where, I located a few nearby churches, and went to all of them one after the other. The last one seemed to be the one I would be most comfortable in, but only attended the worship services. The pastor seemed similar to Pastor Henson from my home church.
I breezed through all of my classes and made the Dean's List. That made it easier for me to be a bit more selective in my optional classes. I was loving college, and very relived not to have to take gym classes and shower afterward, though I do have to admit to regrets over that too.
While home for the holidays, I enjoyed my time with my family, and going to my home church and singing all of the traditional Christmas songs, caroling through the neighborhood, and generally enjoying all of the festivities. Though I was disappointed, I was glad I didn't run into Mary Beth for there had been too many times when her picture magically appeared in my mind and sending hoped for expectations, but of what, I still had no idea.
I knew I feared trying to find out what exactly it was that lesbians did to show their love. Feared it, yes, but still some part of me felt a thrill when I did wonder about it. Fortunately those times didn't happen too often, but enough so that they seemed to grow in me as time went on.
During what was supposed to be summer vacation, I stayed at the college and worked to help with the expenses. My parents approved, though I knew they worried. I assured them that it was a safe job in a good neighborhood, and that there were no late nights.
When my second year began, I decided to take a class in Ancient Egyptian History, a class that would begin a quest in me that would shake my soul and all that I previously believed. To make matters worse—or better, but not immediately—I noticed a blonde with a svelte, delicate, and sexy figure and a face that was as fragile looking as could be. Worse, or better, was a matter of opinion, and I held to both as she began to haunt me with each sighting of her. Then too, there was a time when our eyes met and we smiled at each other. My life would never be the same.
Still, the good student in me was in charge when it mattered, and I loved the class about Egypt and thanked myself for taking it. Surprisingly, the two things that stayed with me the most was the era of the Tuthmosis Pharaohs, and how it was that Hatshepsut, the wife of one of them, was herself a Pharaoh and ruled, apparently, very well until the time when the young son of her husband by another wife came of age.
Hatshepsut proved an able ruler, or so it was recorded, until Tuthmosis III was about twenty-two. Another thing that surprised me was that Tuthmosis III was cited as the greatest of Egypt's warrior Pharaohs, being dubbed The Napoleon of Egypt. Until then, I'd always thought that Ramesses II, the Pharaoh believed by just about everyone I knew to be the Pharaoh of the Exodus.
