I knew it was a dream as soon as Zoe opened the door of her dorm building. She was dressed in calf-high yellow rain boots and a pink cocktail dress with white polka dots. Zoe never dresses like that. It really did make sense, I reasoned. You don't end up at your best friend's dorm forty miles away when last you knew you were fast asleep in your own home, in your own bed. Other damning evidence were the couples making out up and down the dimly lit hall, the disco ball revolving lazily from its position on the ceiling, the fog machine (Fog machine? What kind of a dream was this???) emitting hissing bursts of smoky steam.
I must have looked bemused but Zoe didn't seem to notice. She gave me a quick hug, grabbed my hand, and led me into the tableau. I felt strangely underdressed in just a tatty pair of jeans and a tee shirt. If this was some kind of costume party, Zoe should have had the decency to tell me before I came.
You idiot! I chided myself. You're dreaming! Dreaming, right... Wait, dreaming? Shouldn't I be able to do whatever I want then? I closed my eyes and tried to think up a new outfit, but when I opened them again I was still the same. It seems that although I had free will in this particular dream, I couldn't bend the rules of space and time. I was doomed to Levi's.
Anyway, Zoe didn't seem to care about my costume deficiency. She was tugging me down the hall, stopping at each couple and whispering information in my ear. I learned that Cara was the master of blow jobs, Stephanie liked anal, Marissa had been known to let her boyfriend fuck her up against the door of her dorm room. Apparently the noise of that one kept the entire building up some nights.
The hallways seemed to go on and on and so did the stories. Some of what she said didn't make sense; some of it was outright laughable. According to her one girl had "fucked so many different guys, she had to borrow the dorm building's first-aid kit."
I was definitely interested in hearing more about that one, but Zoe didn't seem to have more to tell. She had finally stopped walking, stopped tugging my hand, and we were in front of a large stained-glass window. Never mind that I knew her building didn't have anything like that in the waking world. Right now it was our world, and in it was a stained glass window. She was silent now, staring at the refracted image of herself in the glass. I hovered behind, uncertain of what to say to fill the suddenly empty void. It occurred to me that I should ask about her boyfriend. Mark? Matt? Mike? Dammit, why couldn't I ever remember his name?
"How's... Matt?" I guessed, cringing when she raised her eyebrows in that Zoe-look, that look that says "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You mean Jeff?"
Darn. "Right, Jeff. I'm sorry Zoe; you know how I have trouble with names."
She shrugged. "It doesn't really matter, it's over. He didn't want me because he liked who I was; he wanted me because he thought I was like those other girls we just passed. Empty-headed, slutty, and always ready to 'have a good time,' as he put it."
"Oh, Zo..." I gave her a hug, wrapping my arms around her and putting my chin against the hollow of her neck. "You don't deserve that. I'm sorry for the pain it caused, but I'm glad it's over if he was treating you like that."
She shook her head, and though I couldn't see her face, I knew she was dangerously close to tears. "That's the thing though Katie. I don't actually blame him. I've sorta been a slut this past year, so what should I expect? Remember when I joked to you that I was a whore? Well, it wasn't completely untrue."
I stood silent for a minute, rubbing her arms as I thought of what to say next. "Zoe," I began slowly, "You're not a whore or a slut." She made to protest but I shushed her. "You're not. I know you slept with a few guys last year, but I also know that you did that because you were hoping for something deeper from them. You wanted their love, and thought that if you gave them what they wanted, they would return the favor. Girls do that all the time Zoe. Guys at this age are just looking for something different than we are."
I felt her absorb my words, felt her absorb the truth in them, and I could almost see the anxiety and guilt lifting off her shoulders as if it had been a physical weight. She leaned against me and I hugged her tighter, hoping against hope that she would also absorb some of the love I had for her, that she would no longer feel as lost and alone as I had once. We stayed that way for a few minutes, and she was breathing so deeply and so evenly I thought she must be asleep.
Hesitantly, I let my hands wander up and down her front until they came to rest on her breasts. I had never told her how I felt; the curiosity I had for the female form and hers in particular. I wasn't in love with her, this wasn't a "run away into the sunset and live happily ever after" sort of feeling. I just desperately wanted to touch her once, everywhere. To not be restricted by the bounds of decorum, by the dictates of society and the rules of what is and is not acceptable to do to your best friend.
Lost in thought, I almost jumped a mile when she asked, "What are you doing?" My hands came off her breasts as if they were poisonous and I took a healthy step backwards, stammering my apologies. She turned to face me and that Zoe-look was on her face again, that "what the hell?" stare that I usually found comical. This time I thought it meant I would have to turn in my "best friend" badge.
"I'm so sorry Zoe," I tried lamely. "I just completely forgot myself. I... I wasn't thinking I guess." Right, how stupid can you get? But what she said next completely rearranged my world.
"It's okay Katie, calm down. I've actually been sort of wondering what it might feel like to let a girl do that."
I was non-plussed. "Really?"
Zoe blushed a little but nodded. "Yeah, I just thought it might be better than some of the other experiences I've had. I always wondered if a girl would know better what to do, where to touch than a guy would. I mean, it stands to reason a girl would understand another girl's body, don't you think?"