The doctor's office was in located in a grey, three story complex of medical offices, sandwiched between a minimart gas station and a large nail salon. I had gotten the referral from a girlfriend who had been a patient there for a couple of years, and really liked the doctor and also the helpfulness of the staff up front. And they also took my insurance, which was a must. But most importantly, with where my head was at these days, was what my girlfriend told me about the doctor. And the thought of literally opening myself up to a man..especially one that I didn't already know, and trust..that just felt really daunting right now. And definitely something I would have put off for even longer than I did already. I found a parking spot in the back of the building, and pulled in and shut the car off.
I had gotten the number for the doctor a few weeks ago, but it was only three days ago that I made the decision to call for an appointment. It had been almost two years since my last gynaecological exam, and I felt a little nervous. When my regular doctor of over ten years, who I had really liked and trusted, finally retired, I never followed up with his younger replacement. Mostly out of laziness, but also because I felt great at the time, and I told myself that I'd ask around when I needed to have my next annual exam. And then I pretty much forgot about it, until I finally remembered..and then just put it off.
I checked my phone for a text I was expecting, and my makeup in the rearview mirror, then grabbed my bag and headed inside. The lobby was small, with an elevator in front and hallways off to each side. I found the directory on a wall and looked for the name. W...Walker. Dr Sheila Walker, GYN. Second floor, Suite 208. I took the elevator up and got out and followed the hallway to the last door on the right.
The waiting room had eight comfortable looking chairs in it and was painted light blue like the sky on a clear day, with a palm plant in one corner and tasteful prints on the walls. There were two women sitting across from one another, one was reading a magazine, and the other texting on her phone. I went to the reception window and signed my name on the clipboard.
A young woman in a blue scrub blouse turned from her computer screen.
"Hi...may I help you?"
"Yes, I'm here for my appointment. My name is Karen Bohler.
She looked down at an appointment calendar. "Yes..we have you in for three o'clock. You'll need to fill out some paperwork that I'll give you, and in the meantime you can give me your insurance card, and I'll make a copy of it for our files."
I gave her my card, and took the clipboard with the forms I needed to fill out back to my chair. The first form was general information about myself, and the second one was the standard and very tedious one that you have to fill out in every medical office you go to..checking off the boxes of the diseases and maladies you don't have, and trying to remember which one of your older relatives had heart disease or high blood pressure. I reminded myself to be patient, that this would be the only time I'd have to wade though these if I came here in the future. Finally I got to the form with the more specific questions..about why was I here. Well..I guess I could just say it was for a routine gynecological exam. I was definitely overdue, and that would be an honest answer.
But that wasn't the real reason, and there wasn't much point in coming here and not being completely forthcoming with my new doctor. I was concerned, and wanted to get some answers, or at least insight into what had been going on with my body. I knew I had been in a funk..shit, in a rut and feeling depressed, for the better part of almost six months, since breaking up with Peter.
We had met and started dating almost two years earlier, and he had helped to unlock this whole new side of myself that I never really knew I had inside of me. And to have it come crashing down the way it did..basically overnight, really sent me into a tailspin. And I know that the emotional toll from going through that was probably a big part of how I was feeling about myself, and what was happening in my body. But maybe there was something else going on with me physically or hormonally.
At forty three, I figured I was too young to be going through menopause, but not completely sure. I'd read where some women experienced it earlier, while others didn't notice changes til much later. And the issues I'd had on a couple occasions when I tried to use one of my sex toys, and just my overall lackluster libido, really bothered me.
As I scanned the boxes next to specific questions, I checked YES for vaginal dryness, and again for sensitivity during sex. Did using a dildo count as sex? For now I would just say I had sex, or that I used a toy. And in the space provided to give more information, I wrote a brief paragraph detailing my feelings of depression and what felt like an overall loss of libido. When I was done, I signed all the forms and returned them at the desk. The young woman took them and handed me back my insurance card.
"If you have a seat, I'll call you when the doctor's ready to see you."
I sat down and picked up a home decorating magazine and leafed through it, but my mind wandered from one thought to another.
It was a revelation for me when I met Peter..a man who saw me not as just a mother or wife, but as a beautiful and fun woman with needs and desires that had been long neglected. Before him, the only man I had ever been with was my husband. That sounds almost crazy now when I think about it, or impossibly old fashioned, but we started dating in high school and got married not long after we graduated. And what had started out as a fairly robust but conventional sex life, although now that I looked back on it I realized just how vanilla it mostly was, gradually became more sporadic and then towards the end, almost non-existent. My husband was always a hard worker, but when he started his own business it seemed like he lost whatever interest or sexual desire that he had in me. He was a good provider and father, but there was no passion left between us..just a shared sense of duty and caring for our children. And I poured myself into my kids, working around their schedules as a real estate agent.
I thought of my son John, now nineteen and in his second year of college. He looked so much like his father, and had his sharp intelligence too. But while he shared his father's relentless drive to put in the work that was necessary to succeed, he also had my dad's easy laugh and sense of humor, and twinkling blue eyes. And I chuckled inwardly thinking of my daughter Ashlyn..who had so much of ME about her, yet didn't seem burdened like I was with self doubts and expressing herself. She was like seventeen going on thirty..and like some mothers and daughters that are so much alike, we alternated between butting heads, to being closer to each other than anyone else.
"Miss Bohler? The doctor will see you now. You can follow me."
My head snapped up, and saw the receptionist standing by a hallway next to the check in window. I grabbed my bag and followed her along the hallway and through an open door to an empty exam room.
"Dr Walker's assistant will be in shortly to so some preliminaries and go over your history. You can remove your clothes and put on the gown that's on the table."
She left and closed the door, and I put my bag on a chair and looked around. It was a pretty standard exam room with a couple of chairs, and a long counter along one wall with a sink, and cabinets above and below. And in the center of the room against the back wall, an exam table with paper down the middle, with big padded leg supports which were spread out very wide.
I started to undress..first taking off my running shoes and socks, and then pulling my tee shirt over my head and laying it on the arm of a chair, followed by my sweat pants. I had on a jog bra and an older pair of panties..definitely 'pre' Peter..not one of the cute little thongs I wore when we dated. And pretty much a reflection of how I felt about myself these days. My body hadn't really changed since then, in fact, I hit the gym even more these days as an outlet for my frustrations and loneliness.
