A sincere and Heartfelt Thank You to everyone who encouraged me on this crazy ride. Damned Enablers the lot of you!! But seriously, I could not have finished without your honest feedback and encouragement. Even the tart remarks, I have saved & treasure them all, everything counts in small amounts. Believe it or not, this is the first thing I've ever written and I think I might be hooked! You've not seen the last of Dax and Lulu, but I am working on bringing new characters to life. Much love & thanks!!
R.
*****
The last day of the conference has been cancelled and I am very relieved. I book another flight and get a cab home Hoping that I'll be able to cook and surprise her with a good meal on a Friday evening, but her car is there.
"Bébé? Where Y'at?"
"Back here."
In her bathroom lying on the chaise looking wrung out but glad to see me.
"I'd kiss you but I have vomit breath. I can't keep anything down and I've not been eating bad, I swear, though right now I'm living on saltines and Ginger Ale. Maybe I need some cream of wheat, but I don't have diarrhea."
I go over and hug her. She winces and pulls away saying her breasts are sore. I feel her forehead she's not hot or feverish. But her breasts are sore. Her breasts are
sore
, she's been moody as hell, and I can't remember when she last had her period.
"Poor baby I can run to the store for you, what can I bring you?" She gives me a list asking for saltines, ginger ale, Cream of Wheat and Electrolyte water. She lies back down on the chaise. I leave quickly.
I can't believe it! She doesn't even realize what's going on. What should I do? Should I call Lili, Eddie or Arlene or all three? No, Lou wouldn't want that. Damn! What to do?
I should definitely call Eddie. Breathe Dax Breathe, a little Lulu or Dax, a cousin for little Jackson, possibly even twins, they do run in my family. I come back with a few groceries and 3 home pregnancy tests, damned things are expensive, but we need to be sure.
Damn, I dread this. I wish there were a way to test without her knowing, but it's not possible and would be pointless besides. Lulu is going to freak and there is no avoiding it. I take a deep breath, brace myself and walk in the front door.
She is in the kitchen, smelling the contents of something in the fridge.
"Everything smells funny. Smell that?" She sticks some smoked salmon cream cheese spread under my nose.
"It smells like fish." This earns me an annoyed look as she continues digging through the fridge.
"There must be something of substance I can eat in here that doesn't smell funny and will stay down."
"Bébé we need to talk." Standing upright she narrows her eyes. "You had a fling in New York, didn't you?"
I smile at that and shake my head. "Come here Lulu."
I sit her on the stool and start taking things out of the bag, her eyes pop when she sees the pregnancy tests and she swallows and comes off the stool and braces her arms against the counter and looks up into a corner of the kitchen and I can see she's doing the math and actually takes her hands off the counter starts to count on her fingers.
Sighing heavily she takes one of the tests in her hands and glances at me as she walks out of the room. I wait and wait and wait. That particular test takes 3 minutes. She's been gone for 20. I walk to the bathroom door and knock. It's closed and locked.
"Let me in."
The lock clicks. I go in. She's clearly wrecked. My stomach falls.
"You don't want this baby, do you?"
She can't or won't look at me. "I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I've only just accepted the fact of us and now there's this. Again! In what sick universe does a compromised uterus and Rh negative blood equal pregnancy? Twice! Suppose I can't bring it to term? I could get sick again. I could be sick right now! Any number of things could happen and go wrong."
"Nausea aside, how do you feel?"
"No, bleeding or pain."
She processes that but can I sense her increasing dread.
"You won't do anything will you Lou?"
Closing her eyes her lips tighten for the first time in weeks as she struggles for balance.
"I understand how much you want this. But children represent oppression. You do realize that the nuclear family is a joke. Why should women, because they are naturally predisposed to have children be inclined to do so and stuck with the majority of the parenting duties. If I could I'd let you carry it, that's what seahorses do.
It's egotistical and cruel as hell when you think about it to bring another being into this world to possibly suffer god knows what. Parents
die
Dax! I had help but even for the little time I raised Lili and Lenny it was hard as hell."
She's on the verge.
"Not all parents die, and god forbid something did happen, they'd have Lili and Lenny, they'd step up in a heartbeat. And should we live to tell, you'd have me Lulu, you both would. Just stop and think about it."
That face of hers is hardening as she deeply sighs. "I'm going for a drive. I need some air." She leaves the room and gets her bag, and a jacket and scarf, it's gotten cold out.
"Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Are you coming back?"
"Stop Dax! I'm coming back, just give me a fucking minute alright?"
I back off and let her leave, figuring it won't be long since she looks positively green with nausea. She's gone all night. She does send a text message including me with everyone saying she's ok, just trying to work some things out.
Not answering her phone. I can't even trace her. Her last known location is here at home. Most likely she's turned it off. I call Lenny and he and Lili come over.
"Hopefully she hasn't gone walkabout."
"What the hell does that mean, walkabout?"
"Her rolling out without notice for unspecified periods of time. I'm surprised she sent a text message. For her, that's progress."
"Lulu is just strange, man", Lenny says.
"How long is she usually gone on these walkabouts?"
"They exchange looks."
"The first time wasn't so bad, just a few weeks", Lenny says.
"But she was gone for almost half a year after . . . , " says Lili. "We were surprised when you bought her home after just two months. What happened Dax?"
I don't want to betray her privacy, but I am beyond angry and she's not here to answer for herself.
I sigh.
"Lulu's pregnant, we found out last night."
Lili jerks her head back and Lenny's initial look of wonder slowly fades until he looks as grim as Lili.
"I asked her not to do anything."
Lenny goes, "Oh I can just bet her response was special. " He holds up both hands. "You don't even have to tell us. The spiel of women's oppression, how egotistical procreation is and how unfair it is to women. We know it quite well. All true. Also total bullshit and a flimsy cover for someone who's scared as hell."
"Exactly." I can't believe someone else finally said it. Lili looks at him accusingly.
"She's got morning sickness something fierce I think. I can't believe she's even rolling around."
Lili shakes her head. "Probably can't even think straight right now, she needs ginger and lots of it. The motion of a car will not help. I was pulling over every 5 blocks to puke for a good portion of my first trimester."
Lenny goes, "They let Lou read too much literature at too young an age if you ask me."
He turns to Lili. "Remember her Marxist phase? Girl is brilliant, but batshit crazy, eccentric as hell."
"I should check Eddie's place."
"She's not at Ed's." Says Lenny distractedly shaking his head.
I can barely keep down the exasperation. "So, when she leaves like this what do you do? No one has any idea where she's gone?" I'm starting to be anxious. I don't like it. It's making me angry.
Lili says, "When Lou wants to disappear, Lou disappears. Hell every other person we know is a cop, and even they couldn't find her, just a glimpse or two of her on CCTV, but once you hit the highway that's pretty much it and Lulu knows where all the camera's are & how to drive to avoid them.
I'm hanging on to one of the dining room chairs so hard it starts to crack under the strain. Lenny comes over and pries my hands away; he looks at me softly and shakes his head.
"Damn, I should have used oak," he says mildly agitated.
I stand. They're not the only ones that know people. I make a call.
"Max I need a favor, a real favor. I'm getting on the road now and will meet you at Marvin's on U street."
"My brother works in intelligence. I mean to bring her back. Kicking and screaming if I have to." I quietly add.
Lenny looks at me with admiration and smiles a little. "Call us when you know anything.
I've not slept in days I'm exhausted and now I have to drive to DC, if there's nothing wrong with her when I find her I might just kill her. I get in my truck and head out.
--
My brother looks good. We've not seen each other or talked much since last Christmas but we're always glad to see each other, things have been moving so fast I've not had a chance to tell him much about her. I give him a rundown. When I'm done he sits back in his chair and takes a deep breath and whistles.
"She's a little hellion, that one. This is the second time you've called about her."
"Yes, the SS Lulu leaves a mighty path of destruction in her wake. Lovely, brilliant, curious, mischievous, opinionated. Infuriating. Delicate one minute, foul-mouthed the next. She drives me crazy, and the masochist in me keeps coming back for more."
Max shakes his head. "That pocket must be a perfect fit."
"Don't get me started. That pocket is so good I can't even talk about it."
Rare is the woman I've not talked about to Max. This might be a first.
"Man! She fucked your shit up big time."
I take out my iPhone and hand it to him, so many pictures of Lulu, at the beach, at the dance, asleep on the sofa, splattered in paint-ball paint, draped over me both of us looking smugly at the camera. Too late I remember the one of her toplessly sunning herself on the deck chair. I watch as his eyes nearly bug out of his head. I snatch my phone back.
"Ok, that's enough of that.
He looks at me and smiles. "I see your problem. She's beautiful. She looks real familiar." He squints at the photo.
"Well she's pregnant. So don't start with that she looks familiar bullshit."
"PREGNANT! Shit man! You didn't waste any time did you?"
"You're one to talk Max. We are going to have a serious talk once I sort this mess out."
"Talk? What did I do?"
"You're more involved than you know. I would avoid our parents for a bit if I were you."
