I feel like I'm losing my ability to stay calm and composed. I keep thinking about this totally inappropriate crush that I've been dealing with for months and months now.
I'm a 29 year old black woman and I'm terribly attracted to a 60 year old white man. Each time I allow my thoughts to wander they end up in exactly the same place. My favourite fantasy involves being naked from the waist down in his office after hours on his sofa while he licks my kitty cat up and down.
In that fantasy, he always grips my thighs in his large strong hands and holds me firmly in place. I have this very vivid image of his white hands around my black thighs; squeezing them ever so slightly. Something about being held in place by this older man makes me feel helpless, tormented, and incredibly wet.
I'm sorry for divulging so much, so quickly. It's a bad habit.
This guy that I am totally enamoured with is Gary, (such an old guy name, I know), and he lives next door to me and my husband. We moved into the neighbourhood two years ago, and when we settled in Gary and his wife were the first couple to come over to introduce themselves. I remember I had been moving some empty boxes into the garage to clear space when I was startled by the sound of a throat being cleared. When I turned around I was met with sparking blue eyes that seemed as surprised to see me as I was to see them. There was an instant attraction, and it was obvious that that it was mutual.
We spoke for a little while. He managed to ask me my name and introduce himself. I blushed when we repeatedly interrupted each other and misheard the others person's responses. The sparks of attraction were flying between us. Luckily I was wearing my wedding ring when this first meeting took place, or I may not have been able to even bring up my husband Chris' name.
Gary was tall, thin and muscular. His lanky build had made him develop a slight stoop, but when he stood straight he was well over six feet tall. He had beautiful brown hair that looked well maintained, either with dye or he was smiled upon by the Gods to have that colour in his 60s. He kept his hair a bit long and parted it down the middle. His blue eyes were flawless, and reminded me of Lake Ontario on a winter's day. There was coldness there, but I was unsure of the origin until I met his wife.
Gary's wife was younger than he was; she looked to be in her mid40s. She was blonde, pampered and had the stench of a second wife who was always trying to prove to the world that she still had it. Tight yoga pants, and an even tighter top that left her midriff exposed was her normal outfit around the neighbourhood. When she went out, she always left the windows down and the radio blaring to let the entire neighbourhood know that she was "hip" to current music. Not that I didn't enjoy similar music, but I thought the entire production was a bit much; despite the fact that I was younger than her. Or maybe it was because when I saw him look at her, I couldn't see love. I could only see obligation.
Gary was, by all accounts a successful man. He had owned his own accounting practice and sold the business before his early retirement a few years before. I often wondered why he continued to live in the neighbourhood, which was not at all affluent or fancy, but I guessed that it had something to do with his wife and the various costs associated with keeping her.
Chris and I had a pretty happy marriage on the other hand. We had no children, but not for a lack of trying. At that point in our union, we decided that if we couldn't have children, we would throw ourselves into other rewarding pursuits that would help to fill that void in our lives.
One of my passions was to visit the library and volunteer two hours per week to help kids with their homework. I was in the habit of visiting a library that was just down the street from our old place, but found that driving back there was too time consuming so one Saturday afternoon, I went to the library in our new neighbourhood and signed up to volunteer.
"Hey Simone." a voice startled me in the parking lot as I left the building, looking for my car keys. I turned to see Gary standing a few meters away in front of a grey Volkswagen Jetta .
My heart began to race.
"Hi Gary, how is everything?" I replied as I walked over to his car to chat. I usually only bumped into him at home while in the yard or grabbing the mail: sans makeup and not at all dressed up. This Saturday I was wearing some makeup (to look presentable), some tight leather leggings and a long denim blouse with a Peter Pan neckline. I wasn't exactly dressed to the nines, but I looked much cuter than I usually did.
"Everything is good. You look great. I don't think I've ever seen you with makeup before." Gary joked. "You still look unbelievably beautiful, though."
I stood idly smiling as I scanned his words for sarcasm. He said "still"...did that mean he thought I was even more beautiful before?
"Oh. You think so?" I replied, slowly coming to realize that he was still smiling and gazing deeply at me for a response.
I decided to change the subject.
"I just came by to sign up to volunteer with the kid's homework club" I explained.
"Really? That's so generous of you. I'm sure those young boys will all line up to get a few minutes of your undivided attention. I know what I would do just to have you for an afternoon".
We were treading into dangerous waters, but that comment was not to be ignored. I cocked my head to the side.
"What do you mean Gary?" I asked cautiously with a slight smile, trying not to betray my attraction too obviously.
"Come. Hop in my car and I'll explain. Do you have to be home right away?"
We drove for 30 minutes through the town to our destination. If he wasn't my neighbour and I didn't have witnesses see me get into his car I would have been gravely afraid, but he was so chipper and excited about what he wanted to "show" me that I was woeful to be the party pooper and ask him to ruin his surprise. He was so funny and easy to talk to that time went quickly around him.
A few quick turns and once around a roundabout led us to a very secluded public park that I had never heard of. I'm sure I couldn't even point to where we were on a map, but he assured me that we were still in the city.
He parked under a tree, turned off the engine and all at once my naivety came crashing down. My face went hot and I became uneasy.
"So..." I began, still trying to keep up the pretense that he wanted to talk or explain his earlier comment.
"Simone. I can't pretend anymore. I've wanted to do this since I first saw you." Gary said right before he leaned across the center console and planted a firm kiss on my lips. His kiss was a question, and when he withdrew his lips, his eyes searched mine for an answer.
