I ran out of the office building like a cheetah, in a mad dash to get to my car. I juggled my keys in my hands, desperate to find the right one. What the hell was I thinking? Masturbating outside my doctor's office? I wanted to curl into a small ball and disappear, but had to settle for getting into my car and speeding away. What if someone finds out about this? Was all I kept thinking as I flew through stop signs and lights, ignoring the honks and screams coming from other cars. I arrived at my apartment in five minutes. It usually took me fifteen. Although I should have been more concerned about whether or not someone took down my license plate number and called the cops, I wanted to get out of sight as soon as possible.
I took my hands off of my steering wheel and winced. They felt like they had been tenderized. I had been gripping the steering wheel like I was taking a strength test. I flexed them slowly, allowing myself to calm down in the process, the sound of my popping knuckles strangely soothing.
What do I do now? I thought, as I entered my apartment. I know he heard me. I was louder than he was. That's why he stopped. I turned on the heat, suddenly aware of my apartment's chill. I hugged my chest in an attempt to warm myself up, and realized I wasn't wearing my bra.
"Holy shit." I muttered. "Even if he didn't hear me, he'll still know I was there." I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. "Do I go back? Do I stay here and hope no one notices it?" I plopped down on my sofa, suddenly feeling sick. He'll be looking for me. I know it. He'll see it. I felt a small trickle of fear start to flow into my mind. I began to shake a little, the tell-tale signs of a panic attack coming on. "Breathe girl, breathe." I whispered to myself.
After several minutes, I heard a knock at my front door, confirming my fears. No, no, no! My mind screamed. I began to tremble, shaking uncontrollably, I tried to breathe, but I just couldn't catch my breath, I started to roll up into a ball "Adina?" I heard him call my name, and I got dizzy. My head began to spin as I hyperventilated. I tried to scream but didn't have the breath for it. "Adina, are you all right?" I made a noise, somewhere between a honk and a shriek. "Adina, I'm breaking the door down right now if you don't open it!" I started to crawl towards the door before I stopped breathing. I saw him break down the door in slow motion, my vision by then already fuzzy and starting to darken. I felt him lift me up but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I passed out, and I woke up coughing, with the doctor standing over me.
"Dr. Vonis!" was the first thing I gasped. "You have to get out of here." I told him between coughs.
"I just gave you CPR. Are you all right? You had a horrible panic attack." He looked really worried about me, but I began to shake again.
"Get away, away..." I felt light-headed again, and I staggered to my feet. I put my arms around his neck to steady myself, and I found myself looking into his eyes, his irises going from dark blue to almost purple now with worry for me.
"Easy now." he told me. He wrapped an arm around my waist.
"Don't touch me!" I said instantly, spinning out of his grasp. "This is what you've wanted from me, this whole time isn't it? You want to see what it's like, don't you?"
"What are you talking about?" his eyes opened wide.
"You don't think I heard you? Grunting in your office like that?!"
"Adina-"
"You were just using me! I bet you got off on what I told you! I bet you-" I panted, trying to catch my breath. "I trusted you!"
"I did the responsible thing. I told you to seek another therapist the moment I crossed the line. I'm sorry I did, because I really care-"
"Not another fucking word! I can't believe anything you say."
"I'm sorry that you feel that way, Adina. but I had to make sure you were okay."
"Are you kidding?" I laughed dryly. "Look at my door, doctor. You kicked it in like a madman!"
"Because I was worried about you! I saw your bra out in the hallway, and I didn't know what to think! I didn't know if you had gotten robbed or raped or what!"
All the fight drained out of me then. "You really thought that?"
"Yes. Why else would I drive all the way to your house and be this upset?"
"I thought you were trying to...I just figured men in your position would always..." I didn't know what to do. Dr. Vonis actually was worried about me? He didn't come to my place to hurt me in any way?
"Did you think I would rape you? Adina, I would never-"
"Please, just get out of here. I-" I fainted then. I came to later in my bed.
"I'm calling an ambulance for you. I want to make sure you're okay." said Dr. Vonis from the shadows.
"I'm fine, really I am. I'm like this all the time around white guys." I laughed weakly. "You should go home. Your family is probably worried about you."