"I should start getting into my routine too." Lars continued. "If anyone has gone lazy during the summer, then it's me."
And from the on the conversation moved on to other things. The rest of the breakfast went surprisingly well. It was light and reasonably healthy, with milk and whole grain cereal and sandwiches with cheese and sliced ham. Fruit too - cut pieces of apple, orange and banana. Helena had not eaten properly since supper yesterday, and now she realized just how hungry she was. In the middle of a sandwich a little lewd voice in her brain decided to remind her that she had, in fact, just eaten. Helena could only hope that her rosy post-shower skin would cover up her embarrassment when the thought entered her mind. She lowered her eyes and focused on the food, but at this point it was impossible to get it out of her mind. The memory of salty semen on the tip of her tongue came back to her. Helena had eaten breakfast alright - two enormous loads of Jack's cum. It was still in her stomach at this very moment.
God damn her brain.
Helena cursed herself but continued eating. She was, after all, still hungry, and it gave her the perfect opportunity to avoid taking part of the conversation. When someone would address her she would just briefly reply and then turn attention to her meal again. She did not trust herself enough to sound casual, so just focusing on the food was probably a wise decision.
The rest of the day passed in some sort of strange blur. Everything was... unfocused. Helena was there and present, surrounded by people and taking part of what was going on, yet everything kind of... melted together. A big mix of insipid nothingness. Breakfast ended and she helped Maria clean the table. Her father-in-law sat down in a sun-chair outside to read the newspaper and smoke his pipe. He was the archetype of a bearded grandfather like that. The kids rushed outside to play with their water pistols again, this time deciding that the field would be a better battlefield. Lars decided to go with them.
"What about going to the lake later?" he asked Helena as he donned his sunscreen cap. "It's a beautiful day, for once."
"The lake?" she sheepishly repeated, mentally slapped herself and then casually shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. If the weather's fine."
"It should hold up."
"Maybe later then. When the sun has warmed the water. It was a bit chilly yesterday."
Truth be told Helena had no wish to go swimming today. When Lars left she sat down in a chair on the veranda, grabbed that detective novel she had set herself to read before the summer was out and opened the page she had stopped on. Focusing on the book proved hard. Her eyes would move over the text and she would flip the pages, but then Helena would catch herself realizing that she had actually no idea what she had read. It just blurred together. The same could be said for the day itself.
The thoughts, oh those damn thoughts. They swirled around in her brain in a constant whirlwind. Many of them were memories - vividly, almost painfully clear images from the morning and the evening at the lake. Time and time again they played in Helena's head. It was like watching a movie in HD and 3D, and actually being present inside of it. Smells, details, sensations. Everything was overwhelmingly clear. Helena tried to focus on her novel, tore herself time and time again from the mists filling her head. But it proved nearly impossible to escape them. With the thoughts came emotions, and that particular cocktail was even worse than the memories. Lust. There was no point in denying it. It had been - and still was - lust. Pure, unaltered desire. She could not get Jack out of her mind. His dark and magnificent body. The pleasantly low voice. His touch, altering from featherlight and tingling to overpoweringly rough. His cock. Helena groaned quietly when it once more appeared before her. Its size, its shape. How it moved inside of her, how hot it was and how it had been used to fill her up so completely. How it brought her to the most bombastic orgasms of her entire life. Earlier Helena could have at least tried to fool herself with arguments that denied it. Like that the first time with Jack had been a mistake. What could you say - she had acted incredibly immaturely and paid the price for it. But that had been one time. One time could, somehow, with a lot of effort, be rationalized and almost forgiven. But twice...?
Helena wanted to slap herself in the face. Hard. When there was no one to hear or see it she did just that. Massive facepalm. With lust came guilt. It assaulted her without mercy. It almost physically hurt to look at Lars and his parents, and even more to even see in the direction of Erik and Alexander. Helena was a terrible person. A stupid, egoistical, terrible person. One that had betrayed everyone and her entire family just for a few measly hours of pleasure. Loyalty, love, marriage - all that she had thrown out the window in order to...
Yes, in order to do what? That was a good question. Helena had trouble answering it even to herself. She knew that she was attracted to Jack. Like really. Like practically drooling over him, by now she had admitted that much. Had it been simple desire that had made her throw herself at him? Or just.. curiosity? It was demeaning to know that she was that weak-spirited. Was the only thing required to make her forget about everything a pair of stupid compliments? It seemed that way. Helena could not deny that she had liked it. Jack's words, most of them spoken with such sincerity (or at least played sincerity) had made her feel really good. All warm and fuzzy inside. He had swayed her so easily.
This tornado of thoughts and emotions continued swirling in her head, not for a single moment leaving her. Before Helena knew it was already dinner time. Maria had handled the food - mostly remains from Midsummer's Eve (there was still tonnes of it in the fridge, and they had to be eaten at some point), so Helena forced herself to get up and help prepare the table. Lars and the kids had returned hours ago, but she had barely noticed it. Everyone sat down by the table and ate. Strange. It was like they had just had breakfast, and Helena was still full. She forced herself to eat anyway.
When the dinner was drawing to a close, Lars turned took a last sip of his beer and turned to her.
"So, what about us going swimming? It should be pretty warm by now."
Helena thought about it, eyes locked on her plate. It was a good suggestion - all of the family, together, going to the lake to enjoy the warm summer sun and water. It what they were supposed to do, and what she was supposed to want. Bur right now she really didn't want to go anywhere. Her mind was just too full with thoughts, and they had taken away all of her energy and desire to do anything.
"I guess." she said. "But... I don't know."
"What?"
"I don't know." she repeated, unsure of herself. "I think it's a good idea. But I'm feeling a little bit under the weather today."
"So you're not going?" it was Erik interjecting in the exchange, and he was already looking disappointed. "I thought you were going too."
"If she's not feeling very well maybe it's for the best that she doesn't go." Now it was Maria's time to join in, now addressing her grandson. "She has been looking a bit tired."
"Actually - yes." Lars looked at his wife with a concerned wrinkle appearing between his brows. "You have been... I don't know, quiet. Are you feeling alright?"
Helena's heart squirmed. The last thing she wanted was for all attention to be focused on her.
"I'm just a bit tired." she mumbled. "I had problem sleeping tonight."
"Maybe you're getting a cold?" her mother-in-law said and immediately looked worried. "If you were out swimming at the lake yesterday then you might have gotten one. The water has still been pretty cold, especially during the evenings."
"I'm fine." Helena protested and looked to her husband for support. "I'm just a bit..."
That intruding part of her brain filled her out with 'thinking about the black guy that has had sex with me twice' and made her close her eyes.
"Tired." she concluded. "That's all."
"You don't have to come if you don't want to." Lars said. "Are you feeling sick?"
"More like under the weather." Helena discreetly bit the inside of her lip. "I'm fine, don't worry about me. Just... tired."
"Maybe you should stay at home then."
"Maybe." Helena said. "Sorry."
She looked at Lars, anxiously expecting to see traces of annoyance or even suspicion on his face. He just shrugged, and although he looked a little disappointed there was nothing out of the ordinary about his reaction. Helena's had a dropping feeling in her stomach when he looked away to finish the meal. She barely dared look at her children until dinner was over. After, when Lars, Erik and Alexander had gathered their things and left, she was on the edge of grabbing her bikini and towel and running after them. But despite the guilt she stayed. Having to put up a normal facade around her family while the storm of thoughts and emotions was still raging inside of her was just too hard. At least today she needed to ride it out in peace.
Despite Maria's protests and assurance that she could handle it herself and that Helena should go get some rest to avoid getting sick, Helena helped her with washing the dishes, cleaning of the table and launching the laundry into the washing machine. After having started the machine and heard it start gurgling with water she felt a little better. At least that incriminating detail had been taken care off. Having dealt with all pressing chores Helena retreated to her and Lars' bedroom with her novel. The window had been ajar ever since the morning, and with the sun having moved on there was no longer any direct sunlight coming in from the east. The room was pleasant, cool and shady. Just like she wanted it. Helena made herself as comfortable as possible on the bed, built a tower of pillows behind her back and lit the bedside lamp. The cottage was silent. Maria had walked outside to sit in the garden, and Rasmus - her father-in-law - had once more taken to outdoors to enjoy his pipe, this time accompanied by a book of his own. The only sounds being heard was the muffled churning of the washing machine in the bathroom and the rustling of leaves in the birch outside. Peaceful. Usually it was just the kind of environment that could help Helena focus.
