Endorphins, that wonder drug. She could fly on endorphins, but funny thing. She never forgot who she was, never forgot her brother and sister, never was mean to her Louie when she was high on endorphins. Her Louie, penetrating her, his tongue, her mouth, her vagina. Louie, penetrating her, his penis, her vagina, her anus, her mouth. Louie, penetrating her, his fingers, her vagina her anus. Louie penetrating her, his eyes, her soul. Her beautiful red headed white boy, who for some unfathomable reason loved her. Who wanted her to be at peace.
But right now Louie was working at Saint Louis University, as a custodian. As were so many other things in her life it was almost right. Almost but not quite. Louie at SLU, yes, that was right. But attending classes as a sophomore, that is how it should rightfully have been. Instead he was working, earning enough money to keep them alive, to pay for the lawyer they hired to petition the State to grant them custody of her little brother and sister.
Louie and Stella, married at City Hall by a clerk without fanfare. Oh well, who would they have invited anyway. Grandma if she were still alive, but whom else. Maybe once they got custody of the kids, once they stopped hiding, they could have a church wedding. More importantly, then the kids could go on to college, there at SLU as employee dependents if, strike that, when, they did what Louie and Stella had been unable to do, graduate high school.
Stella lived for her siblings, and truth be told, for her playtime with Louis. They called it 'playtime'. All the labels were so heavy, loaded by a society that just could not, or chose not, like petulant little children, to hear God's words from Galatians that there were "neither Jew or Greek, slave or free, male or female", just people. White people might freely use those words 'slave' and 'master' in their playtime. Not so much if you were black or a Jew. But 'playtime', it was exactly what she needed right now. Louis' strap, Louis' hands, his mouth, his cock.
Knowing that led to more guilt. Stella knew she wasn't 'supposed' to feel this way. She was, how did the song go, "black as the night", and Louis, "Louie was whiter than white". Pale, pale white skin, red hair. His people rode here in steerage from Killarney or County Cork. The Irish, they were sorta like the slaves of the British. It wasn't exactly the same. But she had seen the old signs saying "Irish and Negroes not admitted'. So why was Sr. such an ass.
Her people, well she didn't like to think about that. And as big of an asshole as Louis Sr. was, he would never steal from her, rape her, beat her or lock her in chains. He was a moron, albeit a controllable moron. Louie could control him as if he had a joystick sticking out of his backside. Racist, yes, yes he was. But oddly he was friendly with her grandma who lived down the street before she went to meet Jesus.
No, Sr. would not actually hurt her, he just mistakenly thought he was better than her and her siblings. No, the only person who would actually inflict marks on her flesh was the love of her life, Louie. He did it because he knew she needed it, the same way she needed water and she needed oxygen. Then he felt considerable guilt afterward.
It suddenly struck her, it was an epiphany. Louie loved her so much he was literally drawing the bad pain, her guilt, out of her, each stroke of his strap was pulling more bad pain from her. Depositing it in him, but he was strong. He was sharing her pain. Like Mrs. Rosstein talking about feeding your sins to the ducks on Yom Kippur, when they went to Shaw's Garden. Jews, like Mrs. Rosstein symbolically transferred their sins from the year ending into chunks of bread that they cast on the water. Stella tried it and the ducks paddled over and ate the bread. Well she thought, God couldn't get terribly angry at a duck.
Was it healthy, their relationship. Argh. Another question without an objective answer. Stella liked being smacked on the ass. Hard. It made her wet. Louie could get her wet by stripping her naked. He could put her at the edge of an orgasm by meticulously binding her to their 'horse'. He could make her come just from his judicious use of the leather strap. He could make her come again as he put his whiter than white, technicolor, glow in the dark penis in her darkest wetness and pump, fucking her helpless form with his enthusiastic abandon.
Then he made her come again as he untied her, and was her loving caregiver. Soothing and tending to the marks he himself created. Healthy, it had to be. It was the only time she did not feel anger, depression, or guilt. Well at least until afterward. The only time in her life that she turned her multiple layers of defense off, and trusted that Louie was going to get her off like gangbusters.
Lisa Ann