It should have been obvious; after all, her favorite actors were Denzel, Michael B. Jordan, Mahershala Ali, Sidney Poitier, and Harry Belafonte. As a dumbassed, self-centered white husband I could not see the forest for the trees. I could see now that she nearly had an orgasm whenever any of them was on the screen. She watched Training Day over and over, knew every Sidney Poitier movie and could recite the dialogue right along with the actors. She even had a Denzel poster in our den. I dismissed it as her simply being a movie fan.
Finally, in a moment of clarity, which should have come long before then, I made a sudden decision, coming right out and asking her one night after an incredible session of wanton sex, "Sweetheart, tell me, do you dream of having sex with a black man someday?"
It was like I had found secret love letters in her panty drawer. When I asked the question she recoiled, turned pale, and--obviously caught off guard by the directness of the question--began to cry. Her reaction was immediate and her face began to flush as the tears started to flow. She was emotional, appeared ashamed, embarrassed, and ten apologetic as if she'd been caught and had a terrible secret revealed.
"I'm sorry," she said sadly, barely above a whisper, as if she had just been caught drowning puppies. She looked devastated. I took her into my arms and tried to comfort her, kissing and hugging her, trying to make her understand that it was all right, that I was okay with whatever she felt. She turned away from me and that was the worst part: to have hurt her so bad that she would not want to look in my direction.
Finally she turned to face me and said quietly, "I dream black," she confessed with pain in her voice. She then paused. "My erotic fantasies are about black men. Ever since Henry, he was my first," she said quietly. "I have fantasize about having one in me, being fucked by a big, hard, black cock." I had never heard her say cock before and it stunned me.
"He was a handyman at my father's work," she said in a quiet voice, "and he took me when I was just seventeen." She thought back for awhile, clearly remembering her past sexual activities, then she grinned painfully. "I never got over fucking brothers, boys of the hood, black guys. They liked me, a white woman who had a weakness for dark cock. I have fucked a lot of them," she admitted. "I hope you don't hate me."
She looked at me with heartbreak in her eyes. "Of course white women are fond of black men, why do you think there are so many mixed-race people around today," she said drying her eyes. "White plantation wives could not resist sex with their negro men. They'd fuck their slaves in the barn, in the hay loft, or would even sneak them into their beds."
When she said the word cock it had shocked me. My wife had never used the word before in my presence, not in twenty years. When she said 'fuck' it was like hearing from a totally different woman, one I had never known. Realizing that she felt she had to confess, she turned to face me. "I still see him once a year," she disclosed honestly, tearfully. "When I go to see my parents I fuck a black man. I am not proud of what I do, but I just can't resist. Can you ever forgive me?" I kissed her, feeling all the pain she felt, and I held her to me, feeling like an ass for asking the way I had.
"If you like black men so much, why did you marry white?" I asked, feeling suddenly hurt as if I had been her second choice.
"It wasn't that I settled for you, but my parents would have freaked out if I had married someone who wasn't white. They would have disowned me. Yes, we have a good marriage, but I would have been kicked out if I had married Henry. I do still think about sex with him," she admitted. "I confess that I fantasize about being fucked again by a wonderful black lover. Do you hate me?"
"Oh no. I love you," I said. The perfect answer suddenly came to me in a flash. "Maybe I could bring Henry to you," I said feeling her pain, trying as hard as I could to ease her agony. "If I could do that, would you, would you like to fuck him again?" I asked, using her words.
She looked at me with that please-don't-tease-me face and was quiet. "I am serious," I said. "Wouldn't you like to see him again, without having to sneak?" She seemed frightened by the question, then she nodded blankly, not believing what I had proposed.