Shame

It was 12:10 a.m. I was in the driveway of James's house. I saw a soft light on but that didn't mean he was awake; he could have just left it on for me. I showered at the hotel, and just threw my panties in the trash. No need to bring those in here. I felt like my shirt still smelled like him, pimento and the woods a very masculine scent. James smell was sweeter, like nutmeg and sandalwood. It was masculine too just smoother. It was funny how the smells matched their personalities.

I took a deep breath and held it as I entered. My eyes scanned his open floor plan, It looked like James had just gone to sleep. I let the air I was holding go, and began moving through the house. I went to the kitchen to drink some water. I felt it was the last thing I could do to cleanse myself before I faced him. My keys echoed on the marble island when they fell out my purse, they were loud.

"I was worried about you," James appeared, it seemed like he had come from nowhere.

My water leaped from my cup and splashed to the floor, as I jump from his deep voice.

"Oh my God, you scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry, but you scared the shit out of me too. Why didn't you answer? In this economy, this time of year people get crazy. All I could think was you riding around with gifts and someone watching you." His face was flushed with color.

James had walked into the kitchen and sat on the stool opposite me. He looked tired.

"I didn't mean to worry you, I just feel asleep at my place. This isn't the first time I haven't answered a call, I didn't expect you to stay up." I felt horrible he had stayed up. I wouldn't have felt as bad if I was actually doing what I had told him I was going to do. His questions were making me defensive.

"The first time you haven't answered since you moved in...If you are going to live here-"

"I haven't moved in yet. We did not decide if this would be permanent or not. It won't be if you start acting like my father." Was he really going to go there? Good, I have an out to be mad.

"Are you my woman, don't I have the right to ask questions? What is this T? Some type of rebellion because you feel like we are moving too fast? When are you going to grow up? You can't run every time you don't want to face something."

"I just fell asleep. You are trying to analyze something that isn't necessary. It sounds like you are going to that whole controlling thing you do. I hate that, you know it makes me defensive."

"When we first met you were still trying to do that independent party girl thing. Staying out late, not returning calls so you want wouldn't be 'controlled'. I put up with it because I saw something behind that and I knew you were worth it. You were more than that. If we are going to live together at some point you have to put that aside. If you are going to live with me-I'm not trying to control you. I just don't want you to run from me, from us. "

"You make it seem like I was some type of loose street woman. I JUST FELL ASLEEP. Look, I'm tired and you are too. Let's not fight, I don't want to go where this conversation to go where it's heading. "

I felt like a had scales on me. I just kept on rubbing my arms like I was still cold . Every lie came with a multiple lies behind it. Now here I was trying to make him feel bad to get the attention off me. In my heart I knew he sensed something was wrong and that's why he went into psychology mode. I didn't want to deal with this right now, him bringing up the past when it was so much going on in the present. I brushed past him and went straight for the closet to change into a big t-shirt.

"Aren't you going to shower? You hate taking the day into bed with you." James had walked in behind me.

"Oh, yea, of course. I guess I'm still half sleep."

I walked into the bathroom with my sleep clothes. I felt dumb as hell having to shower again. What was this going to do to my skin? I let the water run hot as it could so steam could fill the room. As I evened the temperature I heard James walk in. I heard the light moments and his clothes softly hit the floor. Fuck. I couldn't see a way out of having sex with him. I knew I was still tender from my indiscretion. Ignacio pounded me so hard, I feared it would hurt if James even put a finger in me.

All the steam I had trapped in the 3 glass walls of his shower was emptied as James slid into the shower with me. If I let him come in right after Ignacio it would be the dirtiest thing in my life. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let him go behind another man. His hands began to rove over my body, I shivered with anxiety. I knew I was going to have a panic attack. He started massaging my breast as he pressed himself against my back. His right hand slid down my side until he reached my hip. Then he slowly curved it around my front tangling his fingers in the hair, just at the top of my now tender hairless lips. I trembled again, which he took as me being turned on. I was mortified. I begin to breath fast and heavy.

As he slip a finger into my slit and I flinched they were still so sore. I tried to hold my breath and brace for the pain as he began to finger me. I was glad my back was to him so he couldn't see the tears that began to roll down my cheek, it was that painful. Or maybe it was all in my head. There was no way I would be able handle him this soon. I had to get out of this. I did the only thing I could think of.

I turned to push him off me looking dead in his eyes. Well I tried, but I had to look away. "I don't think you want to fuck some party slut. Apparently you still think of me that way or you wouldn't have brought it up."

"What the hell are you talking about? You just said to drop the conversation."

"It's hard when I can't get it out my head," I moved to open the shower door. James grabbed my arm trying to turn me back around.

"Don't touch me!"

I jerked my arm away with such force I lost my balance. When I tried to grab the wall, there was no friction. They were slick with condensation. James hands slipped from my waist as I was slick from soapy water. I came crashing on the stone floor of the shower. I felt my tail bone connect with the tile.

I felt like I blacked out for two seconds. I stepped out my body and saw myself on the shower floor screaming in anger and pain. Then I was back and in my body, the pain traveling all over me. Rolling on my side, I cried even harder. What the hell am I doing. My back throbbed and my noise began to burn from the water going up it. I had breathed in too deep from my crying. I began to choke. I turned back over pressing my face on the tile.

"Baby! Are you ok?" James moved to try to help me. I began waving my arms like a mad woman for him to get away.

"No! If you wouldn't have grabbed me I wouldn't have fallen! Just leave me alone." My anger was real from the pain I had caused myself.

James let out an exasperated sigh. "I will when I know you can stand and nothing is broken."

I was scared. I didn't want to think about what damage I could have done. I kept hearing the sound of me hitting the floor. My mind was racing into a state of paranoia, what if I did something serious trying to cover up my unfaithfulness? Punishment. He turned off the water. I wiggled my toes I wasn't paralyzed, I had to get a grip. I pushed forward hesitantly, my lower back hurt like hell. I had managed to get on my hands and knees. Reluctantly, I took James's hand, and he helped me stand up. Once I was able to support myself I jerk away again, this time with less force.

He shook his head and turned his face away I knew he was trying to hide his smile. I saw his shoulders shaking.

"You are laughing at me? What if it was more serious?

"You know I wouldn't if it was, it's just the situation. Yours acting like a little girl."

"That is it!"

I tried stormed past him but I staggered in pain. He caught me, grabbing my towel, a t-shirt, and my lotion from the counter.

"Aw come on T this is ridiculous." He stated at my struggling.

Once I felt I could, I made a be-line for the guest bedroom. My back was killing me I knew I would have a bruise the next day. My plan was to start a fight to avoid sex with James. Injuring myself was not supposed to be part of the process. Maybe it was karma. I had to go back into the bedroom and get some muscle rub and a heating pad. He had laid it out for me, I still refused to make eye contact with James. I heard him clear his throat but I still didn't spare a glace.

I laid in bed thinking about what had happened a few hours ago. I had lain on a bed in a hotel room listening to my lover lie to his wife about where he was. I heard him say goodnight to his children telling them he would be there for them, when they woke up in the morning. His wife didn't have seem to have any suspicion in her voice. He lied so well, I began to wonder if I had gotten played. Maybe he did this all the time. Then again, it seemed for me that the lies were rolling right off of my tongue as well. I use considered myself an honest person. That was until this hurricane swept in. I had been reduced to a liar sneaking behind my boyfriends back. Reduced to picking fights to avoid sleeping with the man I had rights to.

*****

The next morning I remembered, I left my phone on the island, I panicked again. I couldn't remember if I had any evidence in the phone. The little green light in the corner was flashing; I stiffly walked to it. As soon as I pressed the screen I saw a message from Ignacio scrolling across the screen.

[I still taste you in my mouth, I crave...]

To read the rest I would have to go into my messages. Heat and fear rose in me, I was feening again just by reading part of a message from him. I was also afraid James had seen. What if he had been there when he first sent it? I saw I coffee mug close by but I did not see or hear him. Maybe I was being paranoid I never would think James would go through a phone. But, I never had anything to hide before, if he did how would I know? I was about to work myself up. Now Ignacio was back on my brain, I wondered if he did that on purpose.

I waited around until the afternoon for James, then went to do some last minute things to get ready for Christmas. I had to buy some more gift bags and tissue paper. I stopped at a tea house to warm up. By the time I got back home, I had almost forgotten about the fight I started with James. I announced myself and got no response. I began to go on about my day and he closed the door. I really didn't think it was that serious, the night before it seems like I would be the one acting mad and he would be trying to coax me into talking. Then, I would give in and we would go back to normal. The thought that he had seen the message on my phone crept back into my mind. I tried to think back to see how James reacted to things that bothered him. He was always calm, you couldn't really tell if something had been bothering him, or it was a new thought. No, he would say something strait away, right?

I took a deep breath, I sat in the living room to watch TV I kept glancing down the hall but he never came out. After I while I took myself to bed back in the guestroom.

Christmas morning I snuck into his bedroom, and woke him up with a blow job. He didn't stop me or say anything .We made love I told him he had nothing to fear, I wasn't trying to run away from him. I was trying to really reassure us both. In my heart I knew I was going in two different directions. One the path of comfort and stability, the other passion and destruction.

We had a lot to cover that day We would have breakfast with his family since his brother and sister were leaving in the afternoon. Then head to Lake Charles for where my Family was meeting. After his wake up call James seemed to be back to normal.

*****

The question of the day was 'When are y'all getting married?' At his parents James was quick with an answer saying we were headed in that direction. He glanced at me and said weren't trying to rush though. I just tried to keep my face neutral. His sister was already calling me sister in law, I tried smile and laugh it off. My family bombarded me with innuendo the whole time. My mom flat out asked me when we were about to leave. Then my dad had pulled James aside to talk about the rules of cohabitation with his baby girl. He said he had better have the most honorable intentions. James filled me in on that on the drove back home. It would have been much funnier if I hadn't had so much on my mind.

"I really do have the most honorable intentions, if you let me T."

"I know."

The rest of the ride was silent. I spent that time looking at the outlines of field and forest getting harder to make out as it got later. Ignacio had answered my question that night. It was not enough, it was like a hit of cocaine to an addict. We had laid in bed satisfied. We had gotten dressed to go back to our real lives. But we knew the craving would return, we would need another hit and another. What would happen next will be us seeking each other out to sooth the pain of our addiction. I had given him my number, he had used it. Just to make sure I didn't forget. To remind me of when he tasted me, to remind me that he was there waiting. I never considered myself a cheater but at that point I couldn't see a way for me to give up Ignacio or James. At the same time the situation was already doing a number on my mental stability. So many questions I had, so many emotions going on. I still felt dirty after every time and I still couldn't look James in the eye.

*****

"I need to see you, can you make time?"

"I have to see, we are both off this week I can't really think of a reason for me to get away"

"Try."

"I will, it's just been five days."

"Five days is long enough. I can hear it in your voice, it trembles like it always does when you talk to me"

"You sound thirsty"

"I am."

"I'll think of something"

"I want you to sit on my face."

"Ignacio..."

"Are you alone?"

"He just went to the store."

"If I talk like this will it make you more urgent? Touch yourself."

"What will you do for me?"

"I'll let you come."

I actually looked around the living room to see if someone could see me. I propped on leg on the table and slid my hand into my panties that were already wet. We had phone sex in the hopes that it would be enough until we could figure out a way to be together. All it did was make my blood boil, so hot, all over me. I could hear his breath become ragged on the other end. I longed to feel it as it was the other night, humid against my neck. It wasn't enough each breath I craved our closeness each sound made me hotter. My fingers weren't qualified to give me the release I needed. My climax was half hearted, too quick the shaking ended too soon. My breath went back to normal too quickly. And I was left empty again.

"Make it happen. This is nowhere near what we are together."

"Should there even be a we Ignacio? I can't help but go back to the fact we are cheating." I truly wanted to fight the good fight.

"How can there not be a we at this point Torrie? Do you think I can't hear it in you voice? I don't try to hide it in mine anymore."

"Except in front of your wife."

"Yes Torrie, yes my wife. I have a wife. I'm married. Did that make you feel better, stronger bringing it up." There was a little edge to his voice.

I was silent so he continued.

"I will not keep on going in circles every time we speak."

"I'm not going to pretend it's ok."

I heard him take a deep breath. " I know it's not okay...everytime I think of hurting Pat-"

"Please don't say her name."

"Every time I think what I'm doing to her, it kills me. Every time I think of how she will feel if she knew, how much hurt it will be; I lose a piece of myself. Then when we are together Torrie, I feel like it's brought back 10 fold."

"But when it's over, we are empty again..."

"All I know to do at this point is to keep coming back to you...The alternative is starving, that I cannot do."

"I have to go, I hear his keys I will try."

James entered with a small bag just for me, he threw me some muscle rub. He put down the rest of the bags in the kitchen. Soon he was hopping over the back of the sofa to sit next to me.

"What will you try?"

"Oh, that was Bill Lancaster. He wanted to see if I could come in for a senior manager meeting before New Years " I was scrambling to clear the number from my phone. I held the phone closer to me to hide the screen.

"That's asking a lot during the holidays don't you think."

"Yea that's why I said I would try, but not fully commit..."

*****

I ended up having to go in for the meeting. I added that I would stop by the store to exchange some gifts that didn't fit from my family.

I was suddenly grateful James and I lived on opposite sides of town. As I pulled on my street my I cursed my neighbors for having company. I couldn't even get in my own driveway. I told them I wouldn't be there over the holidays so they could use it. who knew I would need my space back to sleep around. The streets were packed, I had to park half a block down. I wondered how far Ignacio would have to park, I couldn't wait to see him. I had even come a little later so I wouldn't have to wait so long. The bi-polar Houston weather had warmed up to cool 61 degrees. I threw on a long sleeve charcoal maxi dress It had a long zipper from my chest to the middle of my knees, a split in the front and flat boots. I tried to put on the something with the easiest access. My nipples were hard just thinking of him pulling the zipper down.

I almost had a heart attack as someone grabbed me from behind. I shirked as my attacker stuffed part of my scarf in my mouth pressing me against a car. This is what James had feared. He pressed himself against me hard making my body curve to the car. I willed myself not to cry as he gently laid my head on its side against the car as well. I felt a hand move swiftly across my back and my ass. He tightened the scarf around my neck and whispered.

"You dirty slut you didn't were any underwear for me?"

I moaned spitting the scarf out he hand slacked his hold on me. I pressed myself back on him I was so excited for him to touch me. Everything that had just scared me turned me on. I began to breath deeply, my chest rose and fell noticeably as his fingers ran down my zipper.

"I have on a thong..."

His hand pressed into the soft spot between my legs while the other reached under my v-neck and cupped a breast. All of a sudden we weren't outside, all I could feel was him and his fingers touching me.

I closed my eyes, just relishing in the feel of his skin on me. I was brought back to reality when I felt the freezing cold car on my naked skin. My eyes flew back open as I realized he had unzipped my zipper to my navel. Could I ever make it to a bedroom with this man without exposing myself?

"I do live a couple of townhousesaway you know."

"I want to be inside you right now, but I guess another minute of waiting won't kill me." He picked up my purse off the ground and handed it to me. I had completely forgotten he knocked it out my hand.

As a fumbled with my keys at the door Ignacio began to unzip my dress again. Successfully breaking my concentration I just stopped moving as he unzipped it completely. The feel of the cold door rubbing against my nipples turned me on even more I could feel his dick against my ass. I giggled thinking how ridiculous it would be if we couldn't make it in the house. He laughed in to the ear he had been nibbling on, like he had just come to the same conclusion. We both broke out in loud laugher leaning against the door.

"Why sir I think you are a fiend," I slapped his hands away and took a deep breath. Regaining my composure I was able to let him in my doorway. I threw my purse and scarf on the couch leaning on the arm rest placing my arms behind me to keep me from falling backward. I hadn't bothered to close the dress or take it off.