Everything was on the line.
It was 11:29 pm, and the executives at ABS were profoundly nervous. The debut edition of their live comedy program, "Rough Sketch," would hit the airwaves in just one minute, and the suits feared a disaster.
"Rough Sketch" was ABS's effort to go head-to-head against "Saturday Night Live," and the trade magazines thought the idea of competing with NBC's iconic show was doomed. Martin Gallagher, the super-producer largely credited for making ABS the US network-television leader, insisted that the concept would work, and that "Rough Sketch" would soon be the show that would soon dominate the public's imagination. The suits were skeptical, but they decided to give Gallagher a shot. Now, with seconds to go before airtime, they weren't sure.
The first episode of "Rough Sketch" had to beat "Saturday Night Live" in the ratings, or the entire entertainment industry would brand the experiment a failure. Gallagher knew how important a ratings win was, and to that end, he signed the two biggest names he could get his hands on to serve as, respectively, the host and musical guest: Reggie Pierce, a 28-year-old comedian from Brooklyn whose latest film, an all-black "Ocean's Eleven"-style caper entitled "Thieves Among Honor," was the #1 film in the country for two weeks straight, and Lucy Mitchell, a tall, thin dream-pop singer from Wollongong whose album, "Pieces of Time," had just topped the Billboard 200 charts.
Gallagher bit his fingernails as the on-air light came on in the ABS Studios in midtown Manhattan. This had better be good, he thought.
"And now, your host, Reggie Pierce!" announcer Timothy Williams declared as the box-office star came out, clad in a sharp black tuxedo and white shirt, and greeted the studio audience.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the premiere episode of 'The Shameless Ripoff'-oops, I mean 'Rough Sketch,'" Reggie proclaimed in his deep voice as the audience laughed. "Remember, there are no other channels worth watching. I repeat-no other channels!"
After a few jokes about the success of "Thieves Among Honor" and his hopes for a sequel-"I told the studio that in the second one, the brothers should use all the money they stole to run for Congress"-Reggie declared:
"Lucy Mitchell is our musical guest tonight. Now, I have to admit, I've never listened to any of her music...it's just too white for me, you know what I'm sayin'? I mean, even she's too white for me-she's pale as hell! I mean, they're freakin' vampires who aren't as pale. She must be the only person from Australia who never went to the beach."
The studio audience roared. "But seriously, we've got a great show in store for you, so don't touch that dial...because there's no reason to."
Reggie appeared in three sketches prior to the musical break, playing the host of a call-in relationship show known as "Sex Factor," a blind Uber driver, and a senator willing to make any promise to the voters, no matter how outlandish, to become the second black US President. At 12:05am, following a commercial break, Reggie returned to the stage to announce the musical guest.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the palest girl in the world, Lucy Mitchell."
Lucy was unfazed by Reggie's remark, and delivered a powerful ten-minute medley of three of her songs from "Pieces of Time": the ethereal "Broken Heart Blues," the intense "Fading Pain," and the melodic title track. Lucy wore her apple-red hair loose and long, with gold hoop earrings and an almost translucent white dress; watching on a monitor in his dressing room, Reggie realized that Lucy had no bra or panties on. He texted his "Thieves Among Honor" co-star Jonathan Scaggs:
"OMG, you can see her nipples and shit right through her dress. Damn. Martin didn't see that before she went onstage?"
Toward the end of "Pieces of Time," Lucy began dancing with her back to the camera.
Jonathan texted back:
"She got a big ass for a white girl."
Reggie didn't respond. He had barely said five words to Lucy during rehearsals, so focused was he on his own skits and opening monologue. He immediately regretted mocking her pale complexion; as he gazed as her ass on the monitor, he found himself wishing he could get with her.
"Yeah, man," he texted back.
Just then, a knock came on the door.
"Who is it?"
Martin opened the door with a panicked look on his face. "We can't find Mary Burke. We don't know where she is. Fuck! They told me not to hire her."