Mellow Yellow

MELLOW YELLOW 21

Dr. Wu makes an urgent house call to cure Charles’ willie again

The distinguished-looking woman mounted the steps of the stage. At first, one might think that she was wearing an ordinary business suit but a closer look revealed first one shapely leg, then the other, alternately flashing out the slit of the skirt. Dr. Wu mounted the steps and walked across the stage. The few men attending this conference were unable to take their eyes from Dr. Wu’s back, from her swaying hips to her tiny feet and high heels. Some women cattily remarked that she appeared remarkably short for a giant in her field. Dr. Wu checked her laptop to ensure her PowerPoint presentation was properly loaded and the projector filled the screen. (Slide 1)

RELAPSE IN PSYCHOLOGICALLY-INDUCED MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

A Presentation to the Asia/Pacific Conference on Therapeutic Sexual Technique

by Dr. Susan Wu-Burnhamthorpe, M. D. Psych.

Suntec Singapore International Convention and Exhibition Centre

Singapore, May 20, 2002

Dr. Wu shuffled her notes in her best professorial manner. She peered through her glasses at the audience and cleared her throat to signal her readiness to begin. The low murmur of subdued conversation died to silence. The audience waited with anticipation for the famous woman to impart her wisdom.

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I thank my learned colleagues for the invitation to this beautiful city and for the opportunity to address such distinguished persons on one of the most difficult issues that we practitioners face. Once the willie is up, how can we sustain its performance? I call this a pressing problem because we now know that psychologically-induced male sexual dysfunction, or PMS-dysfunction, is more widespread than we formerly believed. In my practice, I have so many new patients with PMS-d that my clinic’s trained staff really cannot handle the repeat business generated by patients who might relapse.

In my pioneering work in this field, “Ancient Chinese Sexual Practice and the Prevention of Psychologically-induced Caucasian Male Sexual Dysfunction,” I explained how effective the Chinese female and her sexual technique could be in curing PSM-d. That paper set out how, with Patient C., I pioneered the methods of overcoming PSM-d in Caucasian males. I attributed my success to the natural aptitudes of the Chinese female for the sexual act. This was partly due to the obvious ineptitude of the Caucasian female to cure their male counterparts of PSM-d.

My second published work, “Statistical Basis for Confirmation of the Chinese Female Hypothesis for PMS-d Efficacy,” detailed how my success with Patient C. resulted in great demand amongst Caucasian males for practical application of my discoveries. I founded my now-famous clinic shortly and recruited staff that Patient C. and I personally trained in my methods. (Slide 2) This is a table of statistics that appeared in the second paper that I co-authored with Mrs. Melinda Tran Mei-Ling. In that paper, we provided the scientific confirmation of my original hypothesis that the Chinese female was the optimum instrument in effecting a cure for PMS-d.

Please note that my specially-trained staff of Chinese women achieved a 95% success rate at curing PMS-d, the highest in my sample. Patient C. was able to determine the success rate of untrained Chinese females from colleagues who frequented his athletic club. Note that they achieved a respectable 84% success rate, which was still higher than Caucasian females, prosthetic devices, acupuncture, medical solutions and herbal remedies. My sample was not large enough to stratify by the age of the male sufferer. However the samples were sufficiently large that my clinic’s staff were well beyond the confidence limits of all other samples. I am confident that the trained staff of my clinic provides the superior relief for PMS-d.

(Slide 3) This is a table of relapse rates and the cause of relapse for supposedly cured males. In total, my clinic initially had a 34% recurrence rate, 90% of which was due to re-encountering the Caucasian female. Note that all other causes, such as alcohol, venereal disease, etc. are relatively equal and minor in nature. I came to the conclusion that I could not stop my patients from sexually encountering Caucasian females. However, I also concluded from the exhaustion of my staff from attempting to professionally deal with these relapsed patients that I had to develop additional methods.

(Slide 4) If you will direct your attention to the Wu Matrix of nationality versus technique, this slide shows the portfolio of sexual techniques I have developed to prevent relapse. It should come as no surprise that the French respond to the oral techniques best, notably fallatio and mutual cunnilingis. Americans are prone to consider money a significant stimulus whereas Italians are susceptible to food. Perhaps the route to a man’s willie is through his stomach is true only in Italy.

I find it odd, that the English are most responsive to BDSM, especially when Patient C., who is English, responded best to combined fantasy, the Canadian favourite, and money, the American choice of technique. Despite his non-modal response, it was my experience with Patient C.’s relapse that led me to develop the Wu Matrix.

The relapse in question occurred after several successful therapeutic treatments over a period of months. This included treatment at a foreign resort, to which I would refer you to my paper, “Response of Dysfunctional Patients to Environmental Factors” for data on this element of the sex therapist’s techniques. I needed to resort to treatment at foreign facilities during this early period in my career because the techniques I developed with Patient C. were unknown in Hong Kong at that time. Since I was clandestinely developing sex therapy, I was unable to openly consort with Patient C. and provide the requisite treatments. I did, however, check on his progress and the condition of his willie periodically by telephone.

It was during one of these telephone consultations when I was providing suggestive material for Patient C.’s auto-erotic stimulation that I discerned that something was not right with Patient C. I couldn’t put my finger on what Patient C.’s troubles were but I knew, even over the telephone, that something was amiss. (Slide 5) “A Good Psychiatrist is Always Sensitive to the Patient’s Mood.”

(Slide 6) I now refer you to a series of responses on this slide that a patient might use to indicate relapse. These range from the very direct “Me willie don’t work” to the very indirect “I feel a mite mawkish.” Patient C. was being so indirect that he was downright evasive. Finally, I had to use coercive means to wheedle the truth from him. Yes, I threatened to discontinue the therapy.

When the truth finally came out, it turned out Patient C. had another unsuccessful sexual encounter with Ms. S., a Caucasian female ex-pat, resident in Hong Kong. I say another because Ms. S. was the initial source of Patient C.’s sexual inadequacies. Of course, I was not present at this encounter nor any of the previous ones and I can only rely on the details related by Patient C.

It appears that the disastrous sequence of events leading to the relapse began with a gathering in a pub close by Ms. S. and Patient C.’s mutual place of work. This was the regular Friday Night Piss-Up, as ex-pats term it. Ms. S. was present and overheard Patient C. bragging of his newfound sexual prowess. Ms. S. was apparently challenged by the concept that another woman had succeeded in raising Patient C.’s willie where she had failed abysmally. Ms. S. determined that she would invite Patient C. to her flat to “view her etchings.”

(Slide 7) Ms. S. was a typical Caucasian female, attempting coitus using the traditional primitive methods of her gender and race. Note that these generally consist of a directly suggestive phrase such as “Fuck me baby” or “Shag me with your magic stick,” followed in quick succession by opening the zipper, a tug to the willie and the Caucasian female lying stiffly on her back staring fixedly upwards at the ceiling. Did Ms. S. have any chance of achieving satisfactory coitus by employing such primal techniques upon a recently recovered PMS-d sufferer? I think not! Her scheme was doomed to failure at the outset.

Having gotten her hooks into Patient C. and Patient C. into her flat, Ms. S. proceeded to doff her clothes and lie naked on the bed with her legs spread wide in a manner that she considered to be sexually inviting. Without the foreplay and stimulation that the Chinese woman can best provide, plus Patient C. having consumed a few too many cans of Australian beer, Patient C.’s willie dangled limply and uselessly between his legs.

Ms. S. responded to this awkward situation, as the white Caucasian female typically does, by recounting the details of their previously unsuccessful attempts to achieve coitus. Instead of getting laid herself and pleasuring her male companion, Ms S. merely succeeded in inducing overwhelming inadequacy in Patient C. These inadequacies were reinforced by Ms. S. employing a battery-driven prosthetic willie to shag herself in the presence of Patient C.

Two unanticipated problems confronted me. I had not foreseen that a PMS-d patient I considered successfully cured could regress back to impotence. Secondly, Patient C. had violated our relationship by succumbing to the advances of Ms. S. Of course, I mean the therapist/patient relationship. Nonetheless, I was shocked that Patient C. would even think of sticking his willie into that awful woman.

My problem was this. How could I provide Patient C. with treatment for his relapse when our doctor/patient relationship was supposed to be kept secret from the public? I thought I was stalling for time by beginning to say naughty things to Patient C. (Slide 8) This is a sample of my repertoire that I have found useful. Naughty phrases subsequently became the initial step in conquering relapse, (Slide 9) “Remind Patient of Past Success.” As I spoke the naughtiest words I could think of, my mind evolved Step 2, “Suggest Novelty to Patient.” So, I asked Patient C. if there was something he had never tried and would care to attempt it with me.

I admit that I was on completely new ground here. I knew what Patient C. had done but my question opened myself to the whole universe of sexual behaviour. What if Patient C. requested something so abhorrently kinky that I would not be able to perform the act? Remember that, at this time, I was the sole practitioner within metropolitan Hong Kong of systematic scientific sex therapy. Now, of course, my clinic employs therapists with a wide range of sexual inclinations. Consequently, if the relapsed patient requires something unusual for treatment, my clinic can usually respond with the proper equipment and a trained therapist with the proper attitude. Therefore, Step 3 in developing relapse therapy is “Find the Proper Therapist.” If Patient C. had requested something beyond my capabilities, my whole theory concerning PMS-d could have collapsed at that moment. Fortunately, I was able to continue my research as Patient C. requested something well within my capabilities.

Patient C. paused for a moment. This is normal with a PMS-d sufferer as they are quite reticent to discuss sexual matters. Furthermore, Patient C. is English, the most sexually repressed nation on earth. Then Patient C. said very quietly, “I’ve never paid for it, Dr. Wu. That’s the solution. I’ll engage a professional from an escort agency.” Quickly, I replied: “You will do no such thing. I will arrange for a professional that I can trust to perform the proper therapy and one who is completely free of disease.” Sometimes it amazes me how naive my patients can be in sexual matters.

How fortunate for my research that Patient C. had resolved my dilemma in such a creative manner. Patient C’s fantasy would allow me to visit his premises disguised as a common trollop. Thus, no one would know that I was administering a form of therapy not yet authorized by our health authorities. Unfortunately, my middle class upbringing and academic experience did not prepare me properly for the duties now required of me. I had not the slightest idea of the apparel employed by women of bad reputation in our city of Hong Kong. How would I fulfill the fantasy of Patient C. if I were unable to effect the proper costume? Fortunately, my future senior therapist, Ms. Fay Tang Fang was intimately involved in performing her own research amongst the sailors visiting the Port of Hong Kong. I was so fortunate to subsequently obtain her services for my clinic after she returned to Hong Kong due to a broken marriage with a British citizen.

Ms. Tang was able to quickly supply me with the requisite uniform of a Kowloon streetwalker from what she termed “a few things from my own wardrobe”. (Slide 10) I posed in Ms. Tang’s suggested outfit later, as you will see in this slide, but, at the time, I could hardly believe that there really were women who dressed like this. I had so many questions of my future colleague. “Fang, are you sure that the skirt is supposed to be so short? And the panties are so skimpy that you can make out the bush. And I don’t really have much bush. The back of the panties is so far up the crack of my bum that I’ll get hemorrhoids. Why must I wear these fishnet stockings. And my midriff is bare. I’ll freeze. Don’t you know it’s winter out there.” Ms. Tang insisted that this was how an employee of an escort agency should appear at a client’s door. Ultimately, we decided that I should wear a trench coat and sunglasses when travelling between my flat and Patient C.

As I sat in the tube station waiting for my train, hoping that the trench coat adequately hid the view up my muffy, it occurred to me that I was embarking on a fantasy as a hooker and I hadn’t even thought of a name for my fallen alter ego. As I pondered what to call myself, I spotted advertising for Chinese tea that is distinguished by its content of dried lotus blossoms. That was it! My streetwalking doppelganger became Miss Lotus Blossom.

I fantasized about my new identity on the trip, how a strumpet should act with her client as I planned out how I would play out the harlot with Patient C. Even at this early stage of my career, I was developing (Slide 11) the principles that guide my clinic even today. “Plan Each Session with Care to Detail,” and “Remember that the Patient is Paying for Service.” The interior lighting of the train extinguished as it entered the tunnel under the harbour. The plunge into the depths of the earth excited me as I simultaneously harboured thoughts of Patient C’s willie plunging into the depths of Miss Lotus Blossom.

I took advantage of the darkness to put my hand inside my skimpy panties. They were soaked. To be fair, the tiny patch of fabric was inadequate to absorb the moisture welling up between my legs. Surreptitiously, I gave my clitoris a finger job, relieving the tension that was building up between my legs as a result of my planning. Fortunately, my hands had returned to where they belonged by the time the lights came back on, although I hoped nobody would notice my wet fingers.

At Patient C.’s station, I gave my garish makeup one last check. I looked the perfect harlot but I wanted to check my disguise to ensure that I could sustain the fantasy. It occurred that I was about to encounter Old Ang, the concièrge in Patient C.’s apartment building. This same individual had caused me embarrassment and humiliation when I first visited Patient C. to formulate my early theories on PMS-d. His psychological profile was easy to discern and quite common in pre-unification Hong Kong. Old Ang was a self-hating Chinese, subservient to the English out of a desire to be one of them. If Old Ang didn’t recognize me from my previous visit, my disguise was perfect.

At the entrance to Patient C.’s apartment building, I walked past the ancient concièrge towards the elevator. I was not surprised when Old Ang yelled at me, “Were you born stupid, young woman? You must check in with me. This building is occupied by English civil servants. Chinese are admitted only on business.” I stopped, removed my sunglasses, opened my trench coat half way and poked one fishnetted leg in the old fossil’s direction. I pouted my lips and said, “Isn’t it obvious that I’m here for business with Patient C. and not for pleasure? Could you please ring up Patient C. and confirm that he has an appointment with Miss Lotus Blossom.”

It was a pleasure to watch the confusion of this dried-up little man trying to make a call to a valued tenant and simultaneously undress me with his eyes. He stumbled and stuttered through his telephone call and then finally hung up. He beckoned to me and said: “Your appointment is confirmed Miss Lotus Blossom. Before you go upstairs, could I please obtain your telephone number? I believe that you and I could also, ummmh, transact some business.”

Old Ang had hung himself like a barbecued duck hanging in a butcher’s shop. He had fallen into the trap I laid for him. I merely pouted again and said: “Unfortunately, Miss Lotus Blossom confines her services to a clientele consisting of English civil servants who are less than 90 years old.” With that, I closed my trench coat, turned and flounced towards the elevators, leaving Old Ang with his mouth wide open.

Upon entering Patient C.’s apartment, I slowly removed my trench coat to reveal my disguise as sensuously as possible. Patient C. appeared perplexed. “It’s you, Dr. Wu. I can hardly recognize you. So you’re the professional who is to take care of me.” (Slide 12) I have another observation at this point. When a fantasy has been prescribed as part of the requisite therapy to counter relapse, the therapist must at all costs avoid a return to reality, as the reality includes a limp willie. Consequently, I said to Patient C., “I don’t know who this Dr. Wu is. I am Miss Lotus Blossom from the Red Silk Escort Agency. Did the Agency mention my fee? I require HK$1000 up front, whereupon I will demonstrate to you Miss Lotus Blossom’s abundant skills as well as her beautiful body.”

Patient C. began to play along with the fantasy and indicated that he, indeed, had my fee in cash and would pay with pleasure. And that, esteemed colleagues, is the true story of how, very early in my research, I established the tariff structure for my clinic’s services. I stuffed the bills in my tiny purse and threw it on top of my trench coat and set to work curing the relapse through intensive therapy. I made Patient C. comfortable on his sofa, sitting down beside him in as alluring a manner as I could. (Slide 13) This is another rule I give my therapists, “Ensure that the Patient is Comfortable.”

With care to this principle, I slowly unbuttoned Patient C.’s shirt and slid my hand inside. (Slide 14) Of course, another rule I make for my staff is to “Warm Hands Prior to Touching Patient.” Some competing clinics have lost older patients to heart attacks when their more mature willies were touched by cold hands. Hence the importance of this simple precaution.

When I had Patient C.’s shirt totally unbuttoned, I then began kissing his chest in the same manner as I assumed an attentive prostitute would. As a note to all practitioners in this field, the hair on the Caucasian male’s chest can tickle the nose with disastrous results for oral sex if a sneeze should occur. For therapists whose nasal passages are easily irritated, I suggest 0.1 cc of Novocain injected at the tip.

I bared my own chest, pulling off my halter top. Straddling Patient C., I then leaned forward and let my breasts touch the patient’s chest. Despite our extraordinary array of skills in performing the sex act, we Chinese women are definitely mammary-challenged. Nevertheless, what we lack in breast size, we more than make up in firmness. Therefore, rubbing a pair of Chinese breasts over a Caucasian patient's chest can be quite stimulating, despite the apparent innocuousness of the Chinese boobie. I admit that Patient C. gave himself some help in this respect as the hairs on his chest tickling my nipples caused my nipples to stand on end.