Mellow Yellow

I have been asked, what happened between Syd Poole and Lily Poon after they met on that Chinese New Year in 1997? (Mellow Yellow 16) Theirs is a true love story crossing racial and cultural boundaries. I don't make any apologies if you find this story is a little slow-paced. That is the way people make love in the Far East. Please enjoy the story of how Syd and Lily got laid.

[ ]

Syd Poole put the Daimler into gear and drove back to the Royal Hong Kong Yacht Club. Susan's words rang in his ears: "Take it slow with Lily. Chinese women don't like to be rushed." Syd didn't mind taking it slow; super-aggressive women had always been a turn-off for him. There were other reasons to take it slow. Despite their language difficulties, Lily Poon fascinated Syd. She was an intelligent, multi-layered individual, exuding wholesomeness. Damn, she was shy. Syd thought about how much fun he would have peeling away those defensive layers in search of the real Lily Poon. No, Syd wasn't in any rush at all.

Certainly Lily made no effort to flaunt her sex. Her hair looked as if her stylist only knew the inverted bowl method of styling hair. Lily's clothes were strictly business and old-fashioned business at that. Round John Lennon glasses perched on a moon face completed the picture of a middle-aged woman completely uninterested in men. Yet, Syd saw the odd streak of femininity when Lily would flash a smile at something she found amusing.

At the Yacht Club, Lily was ushering the remnants of the New Year celebrants out the door. Wei-Li, the bouncer, was pouring the more drunken revelers into waiting taxis. Lily's thoughts turned to the strange Englishman she had talked to for an hour. No, Syd hadn't acted strangely. It was just that she had never encountered an Englishman quite like Syd. Lily didn't know many English men, or women for that matter. In fact, outside of her teenaged son and the men who worked for the Club, she never talked to a man. The Club members, Chinese and English alike, treated Lily like the dining room furniture, as if they knew she had no money and no hope of ever making it into their social class.

Lily thought Syd was strange because he seemed to be genuinely interested in her as a person. Lily had never met a man, English or Chinese, who treated her as an equal. Yet, Lily could talk to Syd and feel that he really listened to her. Most men usually listened to only what they wanted to hear, or rather just took notes, as a way of finding the most direct route into the woman's pants. Lily hoped that Syd wasn't that kind of false listener. As Lily closed the door behind the last staff to leave, she spied the ugly black car in which Mr. Burnhamthorpe and Dr. Wu left the party. Yes, Syd had come back for her. Wasn't that also strange? Syd was a man who did what he promised to do.

Syd flashed the headlights and Lily waved. She got her coat and, when she locked the door, Syd was standing by the open passenger door of the Daimler, bowing and motioning to Lily to get in. Lily proudly sat in the back seat of the limousine as Syd drove through the narrow, dark streets of Hong Kong. Syd rolled down the glass partition and continued his conversation with this intriguing woman. Lily appeared to like him but she didn't come on to him in an obvious way, white woman style.

When Syd reached Lily's apartment building, he hopped out and opened the door with another bow. As Lily started to step down from the limousine, Syd extended a gloved hand. Lily hesitantly took the hand Syd offered and stepped down. Was that a slight squeeze Lily gave him?

"You have really been most kind Mr. Poole, to drive me home in an official car."

"Well, a lovely lady like yerself ought not to be about in a big city at this time of the morning. May I ask if we can meet again?"

"I would like to but I have two teenage children."

"That's great. I can never go to a Chinese restaurant alone. Can I take you and your family out on Sunday?

[ ]

Syd hit it off with Lily and her family. Her two teenagers, Pamela and Patrick took right to Syd, as if he was the father they always wanted. They developed a special bond as the two teenagers helped Syd with his admittedly fractured Cantonese. Pamela and Patrick, in return, insisted that they would only address Syd in English and to never use their Chinese names, Pin-mi and Peng-tan. Syd allowed them to use English names, if it was the cool thing to do but he drew the line when they started to pick up some of his cockney slang.

"You'll use the proper Queen's English if you use any English at all," Syd reminded them sternly.

Being good teenagers, they continued to accumulate as much slang from Syd and MTV as they could. If Lily's children had any objective in life, it seemed that they wanted to become as westernized as possible. If Syd found any fault at all in Pamela and Patrick, it was that they were not traditional Chinese children. Likely, having a working mother and no father had produced this pair of "bananas", yellow on the skin but white inside.

Syd became frustrated that Lily kept putting off visiting his apartment. They had been going out steadily for three months and every time Syd suggested that she drop by for a little cuppa, Lily always said that she had to go home to keep an eye on her kids. If he were dating an English woman, Syd would have bedded her long before now. Syd wasn't sure if that was the nature of the Chinese mother or if Lily was using the children as a way of avoiding sex. After all, Pamela and Patrick had to be the best-behaved pair of teenagers Syd had ever met. Those two would never get into and trouble. No, Lily was just making excuses.

[ ]

The two teenagers Pamela and Patrick walked home in silence. Dressed in their dark school uniforms, they looked and acted like acolyte monks instead of big city teenagers. Usually they discussed on the way home all the latest Hong Kong movies and Vanessa-Mae CDs. Today, they were deep in thought about the same thing. Of course, not being the same gender, they thought about the problem in different ways. Finally, Pamela broke the silence:

"I think that we're being a drag on the romance between Mother and Mr. Poole. I suspect that she actually uses us as an excuse so they're never alone together. We've got to do something."

"What am I supposed to do? I'm just Mother's little son and I doubt that she would ever take my advice. I like the guy and he likes us. Also, I think he's crazy about Mother but Mr. Poole isn't Chinese. I just don't think that Mother would ever go for a white guy. And, what would my friends say if I got a white stepfather?"

"Don't be prejudiced. Your biological father's Chinese and he's an arsehole. You said it yourself that you actually like Mr. Poole. Stop worrying about what your friends think and worry about Mother for a change. Haven't you noticed how happy she's been since she met Mr. Poole at New Year? Don't you appreciate that she isn't on your case all the time about the messes you make? Of course, Mother would go for Mr. Poole. They just need some time alone."

"I guess you're right. I should do something about this. But how can we make sure they have some time alone when she wants us home before 2200 every night? You know that she has this thing about being a good Chinese mother and setting an example for us. She's always at home waiting for us."

"You're such a slug when it comes to making Mother do what you want. Don't you remember that the school has a field trip to Szenchen in two weeks? We'll go on the trip and then we'll stay overnight with Aunt Hua and make our way back in time for school on Monday. That way, Mr. Poole will have all weekend to make it with Mother."

"You're an evil genius, Pam. I'll have to watch out that you don't try and set me up with one of your ugly friends."

[ ]

Syd was pondering the significance of Patrick and Pamela's announcement that they were visiting their aunt next weekend. He was sure that they were going wink-wink, nod-nod when their mother's back was turned. Those two were on his side. They saw through their mother's tactics and they wanted him to bed Lily. Syd was grateful for the teenagers' help but now the next move was up to him.

Syd had to consult with someone Chinese about what Lily's intentions might be when her children were away. Without an excuse, would Lily let Syd make love to her? Syd looked over at the two chauffeurs waiting in the lounge for a call. Syd's nickname for them was Cheech and Chong, even though their family names were both Chang. Cheech and Chong were gay, something that most Chinese refused to admit existed in Chinese society. Yet, they existed, right in front of Syd's eyes. "Not bloody likely they'll be able to tell me what I need to know," Syd thought.

Syd looked over at the service bays where the two mechanics were working. As usual, the Daimler was waiting for a part from Birmingham. The mechanics often invited Syd to eat lunch with them, something he dreaded. Syd preferred his rice unflavoured by axle grease. Perhaps today he should accept. Kong Jie-Hong and Ho Wen-Li were both earthy and uncultured persons but at least Kong had a head on his shoulders. Well, today was his lucky day. They were beckoning to Syd to join them.

As they sat around picking at the various dishes, Syd poured his heart out to the two mechanics. It wasn't easy using a mixture of broken English and fractured Cantonese but Syd managed to make them understand his situation with Lily and the opportunity that had arisen. Syd concluded:

"So, what do you make of it, me mates? Is this me weekend to score with Li-Li or has she been playing me for the fool?"

Wen-Li said, "Why you let this woman jerk you around? Next time you get Li-Li alone, you drop pants and shove willie in Li-Li." Wen-Li emphasized his point by thrusting with a grimy chopstick. "Then wham-bam, problem solved." Jie-Hong just shook his head in disbelief and said:

"You listen this fool and you lose Li-Li for sure, Mister Syd. This Li-Li sound like one good woman. Good woman no like to be rape. You do OK until now. Take slow with Li-Li. Only one thing you not do. You no have go-between. In countryside, man want woman, no talk to woman. No talk to woman's parents. First he have someone he trust go to parents tell he like girl. That way, man no lose face if parents no want him for son."

"But Lily doesn't have any parents. They are long gone."

"Then you find go-between go right to Li-Li tell her you outstanding good man with hard willie. Better go-between is woman. Woman can talk to other woman in way Li-Li understand. You know good go-between?

Syd was stumped. He didn't know a single woman in all Hong Kong except for Lily herself. Then the light went on. Yes, there was one more Chinese woman he knew.

[ ]

Susan Wu and Charles Burnhamthorpe listened intently as Syd Poole talked at length about his relationship with Lily Poon and how it seemed to be stalled.

"So, I listens to Dr. Wu 'ere and I takes 'er slow with Lily. Well, now things be so slow that nothing be 'appening. I means, the Guv and the Doc seem to be gettin' it on, what with bein' engaged and all that. 'Ow come you two can be almost married in only three months and Syd and Lily are still just 'oldin' 'ands"

Susan almost swallowed her tongue to stop from telling Syd that she and Charles had actually been screwing each other for six months, not three. Susan asked instead: "I agree with you, Syd, that three months is long enough, even for the most shy Chinese lady. Have you tried talking about your sexual needs with Lily? A couple must communicate, if they want to become more intimate."

"That be part of the problem, Doc. I knows all about cars in Cantonese and Lily knows all the English words for her business. Neither of us can say the words of love in the other's language. Maybe you can talk to her in yer own Chinese tongue and tell Lily I loves 'er."

"Oh Syd, sex is what comes naturally between a man and a woman. You don't need a single Chinese word to get Lily into bed with you. Lily must find you attractive. After all, I might have gone after you myself if I didn't have Charles already. Hasn't the opportunity ever arisen for you to use your charms on Lily?"

"I suspects she's avoidin' bein' alone with me. She be sure to 'have 'er kids at 'ome when I goes to 'er place. Nice kids they be but you can't mess around with a mother in front of 'er kids. She's never been up to me digs either. Always says she must go 'ome to keep an eye on the kids. And I knows them two would never get into trouble if Lily was late."

Susan started to raise her finger in the manner with which she gave instructions to her patients when Charles interrupted: "Susan, I believe that Syd wants our help, not just our advice. Syd, we owe you a lot for what you did for us at the New Year and we'll do our best for both you and Lily. Susan will talk to Lily and act as your go-between. As for me, I have enough friends at the Yacht Club to make any necessary arrangements so that Lily will be free anytime you think is opportune."

[ ]

Ms. Yin peeked into Susan's office and said:

"Dr. Wu. Do you remember putting that appointment for Poon Li in the book and you made the note that it was personal, no charge? Well, Poon Li is here. Shall I send her in?"

Susan nodded affirmatively, trying not to show too much interest in this "personal" case. Lily Poon entered the office apprehensively. Susan had seen that puzzled look on her face on numerous new patients. The expression said, "I've never been to a head doctor in my life and I'm extremely uncomfortable now."

Susan tried to put Lily at ease. "Can you call me Sui-Beng and I'll call you Li-Li? This is a visit with a friend, not with a doctor. I wanted to meet you somewhere else that would be a little less intimidating but I must be available in my office for some patients this afternoon."

Lily relaxed a little and sat down in the chair beside Susan's desk. Susan began with the speech of a traditional go-between: "A mutual friend of ours wants me to tell you that he loves you very much and wants you to marry him. He has asked me to put his case to you. He's a very respectable man, holds a good job and thinks a lot of you."

Lily smiled. "It's Sydney Poole, isn't it? He's the only man I've been seeing in the last 10 years. But, why hasn't he said this directly to me?"

"Syd felt that you had some uncertainty about him. He feels that you've avoided being alone with him the past three months. He wanted to do this the old fashioned way so he could save face if you really didn't want him. Syd asked me to be his go-between. Do you love Syd?"

"I do Sui-Beng. I do. It's just that….."

Susan couldn't help herself. She reverted from a go-between into a Rogerian psychoanalyst: "You hesitated about something, Li-Li. What was it?"

"I've been married before. My ex-husband left me with two children. Our marriage was never good. He beat me and he never worked if could possibly avoid it. Then he became mixed up with the triads and ran around with cabaret singers. I didn't want to share a husband with any other woman. In fact, I hated having sex with him. Those sluts could have him for all I cared."

"And why was that?"

"We had an arranged marriage. I never loved my ex-husband. Whenever we had sex, all I felt was pain. He treated me roughly and just had sex with me as if I was a dog. I hated his touch so much that I've stayed away from men since he left me."

"You mean you haven't had a man since your husband left? How can you stand it? Don't you ever have the desire for sex?"

"All I ever got from a man was a big hurt. I decided when my husband left that I would never have anything to do with men. Besides I never had the time to meet men. My children were my life. I had to work hard to make a good life for them."

"But Syd is different from your husband, isn't he?"

"I like Syd but he is, after all, a man. I don't know. Yes, he's very different from my ex-husband. He treats me as if I'm the Queen of England, not just a doorkeeper at the Club. He seems to want to be with me, even without sex. Does he really want to marry an ugly old man-hater like me? I'm used goods, divorced and a failure at marriage."

Susan almost cried. Li-Li hadn't had a screwing for over 10 years and had never been properly laid all her life. All the fruit of a working relationship with a man, love, companionship and happiness had eluded Li-Li. That had to change. Li-Li deserved a good man. Quickly, Susan put together a plan in her mind to deliver what was best for Li-Li.

"Yes, Syd does want you. But you do realize that the English are different from we Chinese, don't you?"

"Yes. My friends say that white men have hair on their arms, legs, backs and bums. They look just like monkeys when they take off their clothes. They say that their bananas are the size of sea cucumbers. They are so big down there that, if a Chinese woman tries to fuck a white man, he will tear her apart."

Susan was almost choking from the racial stereotype. "Stop, stop, Li-Li. My fiancé is English and I'm still in one piece. What I meant was that they have a different attitude to sex. They don't mind if their bride isn't a virgin. In fact, they prefer it that way. They believe that a couple should have sex before they get married to ensure that they're compatible in that part of their life. If you agree to marry Syd, are you prepared to go to bed with him before marriage?"

"Sui-Beng, I'm not sure that I want sex with Syd after we're married. From what I experienced, I don't think I like sex."

Susan leaned back in her chair. Li-Li's problem was solvable but only if she could get Li-Li into bed with Syd. Susan had tried all her Western psychology to convince Li-Li that she had nothing to worry about. Only pleasure awaited her but she had to seize the opportunity the two teenagers had afforded her. It was time to resort to time-honoured Chinese techniques.

"Li-Li, I'm going to write out a prescription and I want you to take it to the herbalist on the 8th floor of this building. He has all the necessary ingredients. I want you to start taking one medicine this evening until you meet Syd next weekend. The other one you will take the night before your date. I also want you to practice Qi Gong and meditate. Promise me that you will do this and talk to me every day before your date. Everything will be all right if you will just follow my directions."

Susan took her prescription pad and wrote the classical Chinese characters for an herb that would relax Li-Li and give her a good night's sleep before her big date. Finally, she added the characters for The Eight Herbs of Happiness. The Eight Herbs of Happiness was one of the secrets of Chinese herbalism. It was reputed, no it was proven, that The Eight Herbs of Happiness would turn the most frigid woman into a horny, panting nymphomaniac.

Susan reminisced about her childhood when she spent her summers working in her great-grandfather's herbalist shop. Susan's great-grandfather patiently explained the function of each and every herb in response to the child's curiosity. However, Susan noticed that the male customers in his shop invariably asked for The Eight Herbs of Happiness. Susan asked her venerable ancestor, "What would this particular medicine cure?" The old man looked at Susan sternly. "Little children sometimes ask too many questions."

Years later, Susan saw the name Eight Herbs of Happiness on a drawer in the shop of the herbalist in her office building. She asked what it was that her great-grandfather had been selling. Susan had never seen a herbalist giggle. He leaned over and whispered the truth in Susan's ear, that The Eight Herbs were the Chinese equivalent of Spanish Fly. She was a young and naïve doctor at the time, so Susan blushed. However, she resolved that she would administer this traditional herbal remedy when the situation required. Today Susan realized that The Eight Herbs of Happiness were the key to what ailed Lily and Syd's relationship.