Sorry for the delay! I hope you all enjoy this final chapter and please leave me some comments-- I love reading what you have to say (good and bad)
9 YEARS LATER
Crisp fall air fell on Kiana's pink windbreaker and her hair blew lightly in the wind. In response to the gust full of air, Janelle pulled down the canopy on her daughter's stroller. With her 1 year old protected from the wind, she continued her walk on the park's trail. Kiana looked at her brown ring finger still laced with her diamond, then shot a glance at Janelle's. Her hand shined with an engagement ring too, although hers had a band right behind it.
"I can't keep living like this." Kiana told Janelle. Janelle took Kiana's hand out of her own sight by smacking it by her side. She gave her best friend a stern look.
"Stop it. Sawyer loves you, and just wants you stable before you take the next step. Besides, you have an interview tomorrow. So you know the next step is coming." Janelle told her.
She was right. She had just graduated from graduate school with her PhD in psychology last spring. She thought she and Sawyer would get to elope that same night, but he had many other plans. He wanted her to find a job, and work for at least 4 months before they even began planning. Kiana knew he was trying to promote her father's wishes, but she'd be damned if she didn't die a little each day. The feeling of watching a movie on pause and wondering why nothing was happening was bleeding into her life. She'd worn her engagement ring for
9 years
. People would question her on the wedding, and it was hard to tell them she had as much information as they did. They'd give her a funny look before casting on a face of understanding and pity.
Janelle however, found love a few years after Kiana did. But with Janelle only in school for 4 years, instead of Kiana's 8, she was able to start her life quicker. She'd gotten a job with her nursing degree fresh out of college and got married a few months after. Janelle's husband was a very handsome, successful elevator engineer. They moved into a 3 bedroom house and were moving along nicely. They were a beautiful family.
"Kiana you have to stop comparing our lives, we're different people. I understand how you're feeling but you have to consider the circumstances." Janelle told her. Kiana nodded quietly, embracing her motherly words.
"You'll have a 4 story house and 6 kids with a Bentley in your driveway soon enough, don't worry." Janelle said, feigning jealousy to boost Kiana's spirits. But that didn't work too effectively because that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted a simple life filled with love.
"Alright well I'm gonna go home." Kiana told her as they finished their 2 mile walk. Her car was in the driveway and the two friends had stopped walking. Kiana squatted around the front of the stroller are opened the canopy. The mahogany girl with a big puff atop her head looked into her brown eyes with caramel ones. Her smooth skin was hydrated and shinning as she smiled from the surprise visit. Kiana smiled back at her niece/God daughter.
"See you later Lee-Lee." Kiana said before showering the girl in kisses that made her squirm in delight. Kiana closed the canopy again and stood to her full stature.
"Talk to you later." Kiana told Janelle lightly. She walked up to her car and Janelle called after her.
"I'll call you later to check on you!" She screamed. Kiana nodded and got inside her car to return home to Sawyer's apartment. She drove on autopilot, her mind racing ahead of her. She couldn't believe how desperately she wanted what Janelle had. Every day she thought about the dormant eggs in her womb and the ever progressing biological age happening in she and Sawyer's body. He was scraping middle age with his 36th year of life approaching in a few months and Kiana was 2 years away from 30. At this point, they should be so much further along.
She had to stop. Every word she spoke to her self-conscious brought her mood to rock bottom. Their love for one another should be all that she needed to keep herself happy. His emotional commitment to her should be enough—worth more than a metal ring and vows. They had their own unspoken vow.
*
"Is this dressy enough?" Kiana asked, catching Sawyer's reflection in the full length mirror. He was leaning against the doorframe of the bedroom right behind her. She rubbed her hands down the curve of her hips. She wore a smooth black pencil skirt that reached below her knees. Her breasts looked huge in a crème turtle neck sweater that was tucked inside neatly. Her makeup was natural and she wore simple flats.
"You look good." Sawyer said, approaching her. He coiled his hands around her clad waist and pressed himself snuggly against her. Kiana tilted her head so Sawyer could lay kisses below her ear. He was growling lowly in approval. The sound reverberated from his mouth into her body.
"You sure?" She sighed nervously. Her heart was racing at the thought of her interview and sit in at Brown University—an Ivy League school in Rhode Island. After hearing that a professor was backing away from his position, she'd been hounding the school about an interview. Within a few weeks, she was able to get it.
"Kiana, relax. You'll do fine." Sawyer told her strictly.
"I really want to get this job." Sawyer had stopped kissing Kiana and now looked at their reflections in the mirror. Kiana stared into the mesmerizing pattern of his deep blue eyes and her mind flashed toward that day she'd first seen him. It was the first thing she'd noticed and the one thing she could always identify him by. Over the years his white-blonde feather light tresses had sprouted in a few grays and his features grew a little more sophisticated. But he kept his body up and was the most attractive she'd ever seen him.
Sawyer narrowed his eyes in on Kiana. Her dark cocoa skin looked beautiful paired next to the off white right beneath her. Her girlish features had developed into those of a woman. She looked nothing like the 19 year old he'd purposed to. Her cheekbones had gotten more pronounced, evening out the childlike appearance of her large brown eyes. He let his eyes wander down her body and back up again.
"You will baby. You've worked so hard." He told her honestly. That was something he always admired about her. She was a woman determined to get what she wanted and that determination always kept her focused. She'd been so strong willed, but lately her mind had been wandering toward other needs. It hurt Sawyer to know she felt off balanced in relation to her life with him. But he had his reasons for prolonging her happiness, even if she was too sidetracked to realize them. He'd always be the logical thinker in the relationship. It was his duty to stand firm in his decisions.
"I know... I know." She whispered to herself. She looked into the replica and met her own eyes. She kept her eyes fixed there as if she were having a motivational speech with herself. Sawyer admired her with a puzzled look on his profile. He moved the hair off of her face slowly, revealing even more of her beautiful face. His fingers lightly skimmed the skin and he couldn't deny himself the chance to lay his lips against it again. After another minute, Kiana spoke quietly.
"Maybe if I get the job... we can start talking about having a baby—Sawyer!" Kiana called after him. Before she could get her statement out, his hold on her was gone and he was leaving the room. She droned out in agitation as his strong body stormed into the living room. Kiana followed him and he was slipping on his shoes, in the midst of leaving.
"Are we ever going to move on?..." Kiana put her hands on her hips and chuckled at the man above. She was fighting back tears which threatened to prove her real emotions about the subject. Devastation, hopelessness and utter worry about the future. Had she wasted 10 years on a man who really wanted nothing to do with her? "You havent spoken a word about our wedding since we got engaged." She whispered. Her voice sounded entirely too weak to be taken seriously. But Sawyer didn't respond, he kept tying his shoes in an unbelievably fast fashion.
"You can't be mad at me for wanting some progress. I've loved you for a long time, and all I have is this fucking ring to show for it." Sawyer's silence seemed to be a bridge for Kiana to finally vent out her secret thoughts. " I'm living in your bachelor pad with my shit sitting in
storage.
At any moment you could snatch this ring off my finger and tell me to leave, and there'd be
nothing
I could do about it." She continued. "No divorce papers to sign, no custody battle or decisions over who got the house." She said bitterly. "That's a scary feeling Sawyer." He had finished tying his shoes and his elbows laid on his knees. Sawyer's blonde hair sat in his large palms and Kiana took an extra step toward him. "Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I'm still 19!" She practically screamed at him, her sadness and frustrations seeping through her words.
"Because you pretty much are! Nothing has changed. I don't make enough money to pull off a wedding, honeymoon, new house and baby in the same year Kiana. I'm sorry." He snapped back at her, standing to his full height. His large stature was intimidating, almost like that New Years night.
"I'm not asking for them all at the same—" She tried in vain to sound as powerful as he did.
"Do you fucking hear yourself?" Sawyer stalked a little closer toward her. His nose was a few inches above hers although their feet were an inch apart. She looked up into his eyes with a pleading face of horror. He searched her orbs, looking for a glimpse of her sanity. "You don't have a damn job." Kiana was left a little speechless. Her lips parted and reopened many times in an attempt to reply. She hadn't realized she was sounding so selfish and irrational. For some reason, her employment situation seemed to slip her mind. Kiana hadn't been working in months; Sawyer was paying for everything.
She put a hand on her hip and sighed deeply. Her tears of anguish had turned into a fresh wind of regret. He returned to his seat.