Mason caught Toni as she slid from the couch to the floor. He heard someone come into the room and waved them away before she saw them. He held Toni against his chest as she screamed, cried and cursed at him, James and God. He didn't stop her when she began to hit him in anger, as a matter of fact he didn't even speak to her.
"You fucking lied to me!" she screamed several times as she pounded Mason's chest with her fist. She wasn't hurting him but he was concerned about her hurting herself. It was a long time before she started to wind down but still Mason held her.
When she quieted, Mason carefully loosened his hold on her and spoke to her.
"Toni?" he called softly.
Toni looked at him and then scrambled away before standing up and walking to her room without looking back.
Barbara came into the living room with a concerned expression on her face.
"Where is she?" she asked.
"In her room but alright for the moment. Keep an eye on her though she's very angry at James and if she hurts herself it's going to be a spontaneous act and not a planned one. Let me ask you a question that you may not know the answer to, I know that Toni feels that she should have saved James but there's more to it than that. Do you know what that might be?" Mason asked.
Barbara sat down and indicated to Mason that he should do the same.
"I think that part of her guilt is because she feels that she robbed them of more time together." Barbara said.
Mason listened as Barbara explained their relationship which consisted of a series of breakups and reconciliations that spanned a three year period.
"And then suddenly she was totally in love with him, I can't explain it and neither could she but do you see how she would feel guilty?" Barbara asked.
Mason did and he said so.
"We have to get her to start talking." Mason said, "Did James leave anything for her or did she keep any mementoes?" he asked.
"The only thing that I know of is that he made several videos of himself that she got after he died. He gave them to his attorney to give to her if anything happened to him." Barbara said.
"Has she watched them?" Mason asked.
"Not really, she puts the first one in and turns it off after a few minutes. Why?"
"I think that the key is going to be in her watching those videos." Mason replied. "But she's not ready to do that just yet. Don't force it and don't bring it up unless she does. If she watches one, don't comment." He advised.
"What else can we do?" Barbara asked.
"Love her as you've been doing and call me for anything at anytime." he said as he stood.
"Oh, you need a ride back, let me get my coat." Barbara said.
"No need, I had someone bring my car for me. Please don't hesitate to call me." Mason reiterated as Barbara walked him to the door.
Toni heard her mother's voice but couldn't hear what was being said. She lay on the bed and held James' pillow tight against her chest and cried herself to sleep. The dream was the same but with a difference, Gina; James' mother was screaming at her asking the same question that James always asked when the dream was about him, "Why did you let him die?"
Mason walked to his car and pulled out his cell phone, as he suspected Lydia had called him several times and left several messages both voice and text. He called her back as he drove.
"Lydia, I'm sorry to get back to you so late but as I mentioned I have a very emotionally distraught client, so what can I do for you?" he asked.
"Meet me for coffee." she replied.
"Certainly, where would you like to meet?" he asked.
Lydia gave him an address in an area that he was familiar with.
"I know the area, are we meeting at 'The Brew'? He asked.
"You know it?"
"Yes I do, they have the best croissants that I've ever had. I should be there in fifteen minutes."
He hung up and called Dr. Kirkland and gave him the address.
"Please don't let her get away again." Mason said and hung up.
He had no intention of going to the coffee shop but on a whim, he went and saw Lydia waiting for him. He parked, got out and walked toward her.
"You came!" Lydia said.
"Of course, I believe that I owe you an apology for the way I treated you when we last saw each other." he said. "May I buy you a coffee?" he asked.
They chatted for several minutes with Mason including an apology that made Lydia melt. By the time he was finished Dr. Kirkland had arrived with an assistant. Lydia smiled at him when she saw him.
"Dr. Kirkland! Mason and I were just having a nice chat over a cup of coffee and he just apologized for being so rude to me. Isn't that wonderful?"
"Lydia..." The doctor started but stopped when he saw Mason's warning glance.
"That is wonderful! Why don't you come with me and tell me all about it?" he asked as he held his hand out to her.
"I have to go now, you don't mind do you?" Lydia asked Mason.
"Not at all and thank you for meeting with me." Mason said standing up.
"Damn." he muttered as they walked away, she had literally only wanted an apology from him. He shook his head and finished his coffee. He needed to get home and figure out what his next step with Toni was going to be.
He was sure that she wouldn't deliberately hurt herself but her grief, guilt and anger was so deep and she hadn't even begun to let James go. He was curious as to what was on those videos, if he knew that he might know how much he could push her and it would give him a much better understanding of their marriage. He looked at the clock, it was much too late to call her mother and ask for the discs but if he had them Toni wouldn't be able to look at them if she felt so led to do so. That meant that he had to watch them there but maybe not. He had been invited into her house and wouldn't need to be invited in again, he could go in and get them and bring them back. Tonight he would come back to see Toni, wait until everyone was asleep and get the videos and take them back before morning.
***
Toni sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. What had her mother been thinking in bringing that man here? What part of she didn't need help were they not understanding? She smelled coffee brewing and knew that her parents were up. She stomped into the kitchen prepared to yell and scream until she saw Jamie in her mother's arms decorating pancakes with cherries and whipped cream to make smiley faces.
"Your mommy used to like to make these too." Barbara said to Jamie. "Maybe she'll be up soon and we can make one for her." she added.
Toni swallowed her anger and said, "I'm up."
Barbara turned around and smiled at her.
"Good morning! Jamie just made a smiley face pancake for you."
Toni fought back tears as she looked at the pancake. She took Jamie from her mother's arms and kissed him.
"Thank you baby sweetness" Toni said calling him the name that James used to call him. "Want to share?" she asked as she sat down.
Barbara watched as Toni and Jamie shared a pancake and then made another one. It was a step, a tiny one but Barbara believed in claiming the small victories.
After she and Jamie ate, Toni pulled her mother aside.
"Mom, I know that you're trying to help but you had no right bringing him here after I told you that I don't need help..."
"You look here," Barbara said firmly. "Don't you tell me what I have the right to do and what I don't. Ever since James died, I've watched you die a little each day and no I don't know what its like to lose a man who was a lover, a husband and a friend but I do know that you're hurting and the pain isn't getting less it's getting worse with each day that we come closer to the day that you buried James. I told you before that if you aren't going to take care of yourself then I was going to do it for you until you woke up and started being a mother to that little boy and started taking care of yourself. If you're mad about it then be mad because that's the way it is and let me remind you of something, James loved you and he would not and I repeat he would not want you doing what you're doing. He would want you to live, to go back to work and do what you're good at. If you can't cope he would want you to talk to someone and I think that he would choose that man that was here last night. Now I'm done talking." Barbara said and stomped away.
It had been a long time since Toni had seen that side of her mother and she had to agree with her on one point, she had to start being a mother to Jamie starting now.
She went back to her room, took a shower and put on real clothes for the first time in months and went to find Jamie.
"Mommy!" he called when he saw her. Toni almost cried at the joy that she heard in his voice when he said her name.
"Come here." Toni said holding her arms out to him. "I love you." she said.
"Love you." Jamie said hugging her back.
It struck Toni that she had missed out on almost a year of Jamie's life because of her anger and grief; she had some things to make up for.
Barbara and Ben watched and breathed a small sigh of relief, they weren't out of the woods just yet but it was a start.
Later while Jamie was napping, Toni talked with her parents.
"I... I wanted to thank you for dropping everything and coming here to take care of Jamie and me. I know that I haven't.... that it hasn't been easy and ... mom, I miss him and I don't know if I'll ever stop but I'll try to rejoin the human race because... James would want me to and because Jamie needs me."
Barbara listened to Toni talk and for the most part believed her but there was something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. Maybe it was because the turn around had been too fast, last night she was on the floor in the arms of a man that she had only met once screaming in pain, anger and misery and today she's was ready to reenter the world. Maybe it was because of what she had said to her in the morning but she didn't think so, her nurses' instinct was kicking in and she was now almost as worried as she was before. She was going to call Mason, the best thing he could tell her was not to worry so much but she needed to hear it from him.
She made an excuse to go to the store so that she could talk in private. She drove to the closest grocery store and parked before calling Mason.
Mason had just logged off of his laptop when his cell phone rang.
"Mason Donahue." He said in a very business like tone.
"Dr. Donahue? It's Barbara Greene, Toni's mother."
