Lynn And Leif Forevermore Ch 25

***

Later on, at home, Lynne couldn't sleep. So she was wide-awake in the middle of the night when she got a text message.

"Look, I didn't mean it with those two girls. I didn't sleep with them. I sent them home after you left. I knew you were in the audience. Matt told me. He told me not to bring those girls back there, I did it anyway. To hurt your feelings. I was always honest with you, I'm honest with you now. I thought it would feel good to hurt you like you hurt me. But it just feels crummy,"

***

The text from Leif, where he mentioned that he did not sleep with those girls, made Lynne feel so much better. The relief she felt wash over her made her cry silent tears. He might not have said that he wanted her back, but at least he still cared about hurting her feelings. That meant he still cared about her. And she was glad that he hadn't done anything with those girls. She was sick with jealousy thinking about those slutty white girl bimbos fucking her man!

If she felt that strongly about him sharing his body with another person, how could she have lied to her parents like that? Because she was afraid of getting thrown out of church and her parent not speaking to her? If that was the consequences of getting serious with Leif, and loving him, she would have to put on her big girl panties, and swallow those consequences down whole.

Leif had been right. If they were going to be serious about each other, they could not live in a bubble. She saw it so clearly now, sitting in the dark looking at Leif's text message, when she couldn't see the truth before. If she loved him, she couldn't live a lie and hide him from her parents. She had to be truthful with the people in her life, and let those chips fall where they may. Some people were lucky, and they didn't have to choose between romantic love, and their familial ties. But, Lynne wasn't that lucky. That tender, soul nourishing love that she felt with Leif was worth any sacrifice that she had to make.

He loved her! Loved her, and she kept breaking his heart and hurting him. Not on purpose, but because of her issues. First she was scared of him, then she admitted that she was scared of sex, then she was scared of her parents. He was tired of her being scared of that big beautiful love he had to share with her.

Frankly, she couldn't blame him. Right now, she felt like she didn't deserve him. She just knew she loved him, and wanted him back. So she had to think of something. Find the right words to say.

Somehow. Lynne felt that she should speak straight from her heart. And she was always better at composing her words on paper, than with verbal words. It was the songwriter in her.

She took out several sheets of paper, and started writing her thoughts down. All the ways she messed up. How sorry she was. And even more importantly, if Leif had decided to move on, it would hurt her soul, but she would have to accept it, but she would always remember the last few months with him as the most beautiful experience of her entire life.

Lynne spent all night long, and wrote about twenty drafts of her letter for Leif. After she was finished writing the letter, she decided that she wanted to find a song, just something that expressed the utter sorrow that she felt for hurting Leif. The man who had offered her serious, tender love, which she denied to her parents because she was afraid of their reaction- how stupid she was!

After staying up all night, she knew that she probably looked horrible, but she couldn't sleep. And she needed to see Leif, she had to see if she could win him back, and if she could not win him back, she needed to at least let him know what a beautiful man he was, and how much she had loved him, and how she would never forget how he touched her heart.

Maybe it was good if he saw that she wasn't at all well put together since their breakup. She knew her face looked swollen from crying, but the cold water she washed her face with made the swelling go down. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail, put on her funky glasses with the black frames, buttoned up a simple black sweater, and wore black jeans and boots. She wore all the black on purpose, because she'd been feeling particularly mournful this morning.

***

He'd been a jerk last night. He couldn't find any excuses for the way he treated Lynne. And after she'd ran from back stage, and Leif could guess that she was crying, Matthew gave him a piece of his mind, after clearing the two girls from back stage, including the girl whose breast he'd signed.

"What the hell are you doing man? I tried to keep her from coming back here!" said Matt.

"I....she says it's not serious...she embarrassed me in front of her parents...she's ashamed of me...she doesn't love me...I gave her everything," stuttered Leif in a half drunken stupor.

"That's not a reason to treat her like an Ass. Maybe she had her reasons. Maybe you should figure out what they were. Because look at you," said Matthew.

"What do you mean look at me? I'm not in a serious relationship anymore. I'm free now, so I'm acting like a free man," said Leif.

"You are acting like a free idiot! These easy chicks and shit, this is not even who you are anymore man. Even before Lynne, you'd started to change. And...and I'm not into that Love shit, but it was working for you. Lynne had you all mellow and settled. Even in a few months, even though it happened so fast with you and her I saw a change in you when you were with her. And then you were all happy and cuddled up and shit. You had me wondering if there was something out there I was missing. Couldn't be more different than her, but she looked like a candle that was lighting your soul or something. Some shit is just meant to be and you can't fight fate, you and Lynne, that shit is fate bro," said Matthew.

"You don't know shit about Love. You fuck any girl who is within spitting distance. And since you don't know about love, you have no idea what it's like to keep loving someone, and they keep hurting you," said Leif.

"I don't brother, but I know this, you were better with her than you are without her. You miss her, it's eating you. You play like shit now. You look like shit, and you're acting like a piece of shit. You two have different backgrounds and stuff, so you're gonna have conflicts. You just need to reach inside yourself and try to forgive her. She's gonna be different than you. I mean, you just had an argument right? She didn't cheat on you," said Matthew.

"Hell no, she'd never do that. She's an innocent little angel. I couldn't even ever see her running on me with another man," said Leif softly.

"Well then she's already better than most of the groupies and girls around the Dutchies. You said you didn't want those kind of women anymore, way before Lynne came along. You want someone like that now? A chick you can't trust. Someone you really aren't serious about. Someone you want to just use, as a release," said Matthew.

"No...but I want my woman to be serious about me...in front of everyone, even her hard assed parents. She's acting stupid, and immature. She acts like a little baby, she's scared, afraid of everything. You turn on a bright light and she wants to scurry away, like a little mouse. We got together because she was scared of a mouse. It's just so much shit. All I want to do is love her, but she was scared and fought me at every turn. I got tired of that shit. I love her with all my heart, but all this running and being scared and shit makes it so hard to love her," said Leif, rubbing his temples and shaking his head.

.

"Didn't you say she was the most sweet, tender, and innocent little thing you ever met? Isn't that what you used to say about her," asked Matthew.

"Yeah, I did," said Leif.

"Well you can't have it both ways you dumb shit! If she's innocent like you say she is, some things might be harder for her, and scare her more than they scare us. She sounds like she doesn't have a lot of experience not just with men, but even out here in the big bad world, based on what you say. It's...it's only natural that she's immature. She ain't gonna be perfect bro. But can you live with the immaturity. If you can, then you probably know what you need to do," said Matthew.

"She hurt my feelings," said Leif.

"Oh man, you sound like a fucking girl! If she hurt your feelings, then tell her so. Tell her you are mad at her. Tell her that you demand an apology. Tell her to grow up. But my god man, I'm not trying to get all mushy and shit, but I don't want you to be kicking yourself in ten years, because you let that pretty girl go, and she was the one you really wanted. Then next thing you know, you're playing in a pussy assed hair metal band doing Poison covers, disguising how much you miss Lynne singing disgusting hair metal music," said Matthew.

"You fucking wanker! I'm never doing Brett Michael's covers. Look, I'm kinda wasted. But thanks for the head check bro. I needed it. I'll see you at the set tomorrow," said Leif.

Leif left the gig, and walked home. But he thought about Matthews's advice the whole way home. He was right. He couldn't have it both ways. She had hurt him, but some of it was due to her immaturity. He couldn't just salivate at her sweet innocence, and be angry at her when she lacked maturity. She would grow. She was just at a different point in her maturity than he was. A sweet innocent thing like her was going to be lacking in maturity. The same trait that drove him mad with longing and tender affection would also drive him mad sometimes with anger. It was so funny how friends could put those type of things in perspective sometimes, in ways that were difficult for you to see on your own.

And here he was, punishing her, and himself, denying them of the pleasure of their special bond. But she'd hurt him. He still didn't like the way she'd tossed him aside so quickly, lying to her parents, telling them that they were not serious. He was angry at her for that! Even still! He was so mad, he'd used the money he'd been saving to buy her an engagement ring for a new guitar. He just got it the other day. That thing played like a fucking Porsche. But even he knew that he'd bought it to disguise his hurt.

Still, he hated thinking about how he'd acted like such a jerk to Lynne. He pictured those big beautiful brown eyes red with tears, and his stomach turned sour with his sorrow. He threw up. Granted he was drunk, but it wasn't like him to have a weak stomach. But, no matter what he said, or did, and even if he had broken up with her, he loved that damn little cutie so much. He knew he did.

And he suspected he probably always would.

So he sent the text message to Lynne, so she'd know just what had happened with those girls. Thinking that he'd hurt her made him feel so guilty. He sent the text. He was hoping for a quick response. Anything to show that she still loved him, still cared, and didn't hate him for acting like such a royal ass. He never received an answer.

So, he downed a whole six pack of Pabsts. He got really good and drunk. And finally sleep came.

***

Bright and early, in the middle of the morning, he heard loud music on his floor.

What the hell! Who was playing music at this hour? He had half a mind to call his Super. And he really needed his sleep this morning, he had a hard night and was trying to sleep off his liquor.

Leif was shirtless, wearing only sweatpants as he plodded across the living room floor. He was about to open the door and start yelling at whoever was playing that music in his hallway, but he got this immediate sense that something was different with this music. Then, he looked down at the hallway right in front of the inside of his door.

Once he got closer to the door, he recognized the music. And he knew it was Lynne. The song that was playing, was the song that he'd helped her re-record a rock version of, the song Pretty Brown Eyes by Mint Condition.

He heard the smooth R&b vocals:

"Pretty Brown eyes, you know, I see them. It's a disguise the way you treat me. You keep holding on to your thoughts of rejection. If you with me you're secured. You keep telling me that your time is always taken, but I keep seeing you out alone. Listen to love, your heart is pounding with desire, waiting to be unleashed,"

She was playing that song. He knew it was Lynne. It was her song, and he could hear in the Lyrics exactly what she was saying. He never paid attention to the lyrics before. She was apologizing. For breaking his heart.

He saw two cards being slid under the door. One card was powder blue, and the other was pink.

Leif looked through the peephole of his door. He didn't see Lynne, just her little ghetto blaster boom box propped up against the wall holding her iPhone, blaring the Mint Condition song.

But then he kept looking around, and he saw her, sitting in front of his door, Indian style. She looked like a little mourner, all dressed up in black like a little Goth chick. She was even wearing dark lipstick. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was still damn cute.

He started to open the door. But the blue card said, 'read me first'. He interpreted that to mean that she wanted him to read the card before he opened the door for her. And, that was why she was sitting in front of the door, like a cute little puppy, with her legs, and arms folded. Sitting in front of her little boom box, swaying back and forth to the music. Waiting on his response.

He already wanted to scoop her up in his arms, but he was also still angry with her. Telling her parents they weren't serious when he was secretly trying to save for an engagement ring, and ask for her hand in marriage. Saying they weren't serious and not wanting to move in with him because she was scared of what her parents thought. Because she knew damn well, spending all nights and days together, sharing tender intimacies and every waking moment, that they were in a serious relationship. She was just foolish!

So he wanted to see what she had to say in her card.

"Leif, words cannot describe the way you have touched me over these two months. You told me that I was immature, and I needed to grow up. You are definitely right about that. I want to thank you for the time you have given me, and how much you helped me grow up, and see myself as a beautiful and sensual woman.

You took a chance on me, even when I was shy and scared. You treated me like a princess and showed me tenderness and love in ways that I never knew. I guess I was not grown up enough to handle that love. You loved me so sweet, so bright, so tender, and so true, I did not know how to handle that love. I never experienced a love so pure, so I didn't understand how to handle it with the care and tenderness that it required. So, I was stupid, and immature, and I discounted the serious of that love the one time that it really mattered. I didn't realize that a love like ours, is worth any consequences. I see that now. I want to beg you for your forgiveness. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. But I also know that there are times where you hurt someone and they don't forgive you. And, if you don't forgive me, there will be nothing I can do to change your mind.

But I saw some things in you last night...I know you only did those things to hurt me, but don't let the fact that I was a fool, turn you into someone you are not. You are not that man Leif, that man last night backstage. You are the sweetest, kindest, most tender man I've ever known. Please don't let my foolishness turn you into someone you are not. Any woman would be lucky to have you, those soulful blue eyes, and those tender kisses in her life. Don't let the hurt that I caused you make you bitter. You'll make a woman a fine man someday, even if the woman you choose isn't me,"

He looked down at that card. He read the last paragraph over again. He couldn't even picture himself with another woman. Just, trying to visualize what she was saying, that if he couldn't forgive her, don't let that make him mean to another woman, made his heartsick. He didn't want another woman.

He wanted his Lynne.

The pink card said, "read me second".

So he read the pink card. It was all the lyrics to the Pretty Brown eyes song. The song she loved and sang ardently around the house. He never paid attention to the lyrics before today. He read the second verse:

"Don't tell your friends that I don't mean nothing to you. Please don't deny the truth. Tell me right now, I know your heart is in the right place. You know I won't let you down, yeah. You can't disguise all the pounding of your heart yeah, I see it in your eyes. And you can't hide. Start to make sense and quit playing these love games. Tell me what you're gonna do yeah,"

He scanned down to the bottom of the card with the lyrics.

"You used to tell me that I had the prettiest brown eyes. I'm sorry that my pretty brown eyes keep breaking your heart,"

He could see how heartfelt her words were in the cards. She was really sorry. And the biggest part of love, was learning to forgive. And he forgave her.

And damn he loved that little woman. His woman.

He couldn't wait to feel her back in his arms again. He opened the door.

She was still sitting with her legs folded at the door next to her boom box.

She looked up at him, like a sweet little angel as soon as he opened the door.

"Did you read my cards," said Lynne.

Her little nose sounded all stopped up, and it was beet red from crying along with her little eyes.

"Yeah baby. I read them all. Come to your man baby. Come to Leify. Come here," he added holding his hand out gently, helping her up.

"Leify I'm so sorry!" she said.

He squeezed her so tight in his arms he picked her up off the floor.

"Sshhh...I know you are sorry sweetie. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I didn't mean to hurt you either," said Leif.

His voice was husky. He was one blink away from crying.

"I suck, and I'm doing all the apologizing baby! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry. All I wanted to do was be serious with you. I want to be your only woman for the rest of my life!"

"I know...I know you do sweetie. And I want to be your man,"

"I was scared. I acted like a foolish and immature baby!" said Lynne.

"That's, that's okay. You...I had a deep conversation with someone yesterday. And it helped me. You are so sweet baby...just as sweet and innocent as the driven snow. And I might have been a little hard on you, expecting you to be grown up, and stand up to your parents all at once, and a lot of other shit, that is hard for you to do. Your love is sweet, and innocent, and you love and explore like a happy little girl with me. I can't have my cake, and eat it too, being happy about getting to teach and show you love, and then get break up with you when you act in ways that are silly, and immature. You were silly and immature, but you're growing. And I like helping you grow up," he added stroking her cute nose.

"I want to be your big, grown up, beautiful woman Leif. Not a stupid, immature woman. I can't believe how stupid that shit was! We were serious as hell, with each other. I knew it, I was just scared of my folks. I was just scared of consequences," said Lynne sniffling.

"I did not call you stupid. I said that one thing that you did, saying we weren't serious to your parents, when you know that we are, was silly. You aren't stupid. You're a smart woman. Smarter than me. But you need to grow up emotionally. But I love you baby. I want to help you grow," he added kissing her forehead.

"I want you to help me grow. Leif, I'm sorry I keep hurting you. It's your turn to be the tortoise if you want. If you want to take it slow again I completely understand. It can be at your pace. We can start dating casually again, I know...I know you are upset and might be weary and want to see if I can be mature enough to handle your love and I-"