"Lauren," I can't fucking take this anymore!" Logan shouted, his wide eyes probing mine, "What the fuck is your problem?"
"Nothing," I said with a sigh. In reality, it had been almost a month and I was still feeling all fucked up about dating a future college football player with NFL potential at a football-oriented school like OU. There was absolutely no way we would make it.
"Bullshit!" Logan groaned, exasperatedly, "There's something on your fucking mind and I don't know how to fix it if you don't fucking talk to me!"
"There's nothing to talk about," I lied, attempting to get up only to have Logan's strong arm hold me in place.
"Lauren, please... talk to me," he pleaded, his green eyes softening.
I sat in silence for a bit before I said anything. It was like ripping off a Band-Aid, right? Wasn't the best way just to say it?
"Logan, I don't want to be with you in college," I said quietly. He blankly stared at me for several moments without a word. You could hear a pin drop in my living room.
"Are you fucking serious?" he asked, his expression unreadable, "I've done nothing but right by you ever since I made you that promise and now you wanna pull this shit? What the fuck, Lauren?"
My breath hitched in my throat as I continued: "I know you have and I'm so sorry... you've been perfect but I can't deal with being with you at OU. It's nothing you've done. It's all me."
"So what? You wanna be my girl until the Fall when I need you the most? Fuck that! It's all or fucking nothing, Lauren. Make your decision now," he said, sitting up and turning his whole body towards me, making me regret ever saying anything.
"I'm sorry, Logan," I said, breaking eye contact. It was all my fault; I brought this one upon myself. Did I truly expect him to understand where I was coming from? How could he?
"Me, too," he said, getting to his feet and walking out of my house and my life.
"Logan," I whispered into the empty room. What have I done?
~*~*~*~*~
The next day of school was awful. People noticed that we didn't walk the halls hand-in- hand, they noticed that we didn't acknowledge each other's presence, they all noticed that we had broken up. The tension between us was noticeable and stifling. I had gotten so tired of everyone staring and whispering. I needed some space. I walked into the, thankfully, empty bathroom and sat on a toilet after pushing down the cover. It felt so good to be away from the probing eyes and gossip.
As soon as I had that thought, I heard the door open and close.
"Maybe he cheated on her," Bonnie Hunt said to her friend, Keisha Maxwell. They had no idea I was in the stall.
Keisha scoffed. "I bet money it was the other way around. Did you see how fast she was on Tristan's nuts after they broke up the first time? I bet she fucked him and Logan found out about it."
'These fucking bitches,' I thought. Why don't they fucking get a life instead of being so damn wrapped up in mine?
"You think? She never struck me as that kind of girl but hell, I heard that Logan can bring that out in a girl," Bonnie said dreamily.
"Hell yeah! I bet Lauren's ass didn't know what to do with all that but I bet I would. That's probably what it was... if she didn't fuck Tristan, I bet he wanted to free himself up so he can have a wild time at OU. Bitches are gonna be dyin' for a piece of that," Keisha said, laughing.
Enough was e-fucking-nough. I got to my feet and swung open the stall door. When they saw me they looked like I was the fucking Grim Reaper.
"You two sad ass bitches need to get a life," I said simply and walked out the door.
~*~*~*~
-One Week Later-
"Lauren, can I talk to you for a minute?" Tristan asked with a smile.
"Sure, Tristan... What's up?"
"Well, Prom is next week and I was wondering that, if you weren't already going with someone, if you'd... be my date," he finished looking at me hopefully.
Tristan was such a sweetheart but he wasn't my Logan. Hell, no one would ever be able to fill his shoes in my opinion.
"Uh, Tristan, I really wasn't planning on going to Prom but I'll tell you what, we can see a movie or grab a bite sometime if you want," I said, looking away not wanting to see the heartbroken look that's a result of my denial.
"I would like that very much," he said, "See you around, Lauren."
I gave him a weak smile and walked away. I felt his beautiful blue eyes following me as I walked away.
~*~*~*~
The last few weeks of high school went by uneventfully aside from the pain and emptiness in my chest. I missed Logan something fierce, especially when I saw him in the halls. This breakup was different, I wasn't trying to make him jealous and he wasn't trying to appear indifferent. It was mutually killing us to be apart and anyone could tell by looking. Neither of us went to Senior Prom, although Tristan did ask me. I couldn't even fathom sharing such a special memory with anyone but Logan and since we weren't going together, why bother?
In the beginning, Logan was angry with me... now, he was just plain hurt. I could see it when he looked at me and eventually, I just began to avoid him. I took different routes to class and I even sat in a different area of the cafeteria. You never realize how hard it is to avoid someone in a small town until you try... then, it's impossible.
I always saw him out of the corner of my eye... going into the convenience store when I was coming out, sitting next to me at a stoplight, standing in front of me in graduation practice...ugh! It was infuriating! I missed him more than I ever thought possible and I was reminded every time I made eye contact with him. It was like someone ripping off a scab just as it was beginning to heal....
"You sure are a sad ass looking Graduate," Dillon said as he helped me put on my robe. Today was Graduation Day.... The day I had been waiting for since I was in Elementary School.
"Well, So-rry," I grumbled. He was right. I wasn't happy. This was everything I could have asked for... well almost everything. What killed me about this whole situation was that I had brought this unhappiness upon myself. I was the one that walked away from him not the other way around.
"It's cool, just cheer up, Kidd. You'll only graduate high school once," he said, kissing my forehead, "I'm proud of ya."
I gave him the biggest smile that I had given anyone since Logan and my breakup. He returned it and left to take his seat with my parents.
I stood behind the curtains of the stage of our auditorium listening to our families shuffle inside to take their seats. I looked at myself in the mirror adjusting my white cap; I still had awhile before my Valedictorian speech and I wanted to be sure I looked presentable.
I continued to fix my makeup when a figure appeared behind me. It was Logan... my heart thudded audibly in my chest. I physically ached to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him, to fuck him and from the expression on his face, he felt the same. His eyes met the eyes of my reflection and we stared at each other in silence. He opened his mouth to say something before he decided against it and walked away; leaving me even lonelier than before, if that was even possible.
'Enough, Lauren, this is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of your life... Get it together,' I thought, as I continued to ready myself for my speech. When the time came, I cleared myself of my nervous jitters and took the stage. I looked into the crowd after Principal Wells introduced me to the audience. The friends and families of all thirty-six graduates looked up at me expectantly.
After a quick scan of the crowd, I spotted Mom, James, and Dillon; Kyle and Nadine, and a few faces I remember from the Board Meetings that my mom attended, etc. I felt faint but I swallowed my discomfort and opened my mouth to speak:
"First and foremost, I would like to thank you all for coming to share this memorable moment with us. Without you all and your support, we would not have made it this far. We are all lucky to have had such an amazing support system thus far and words can't describe how much it has meant to us, to me," I added taking a breath, making eye contact with my mom. She was crying and James was holding her close.
"I have been with my fellow graduates for twelve-plus years and I know that we all have the potential to go outside of this familiar town of Crystal Bend and show everyone what we're all about! We are all as diverse as can be, we have Graduates joining each of the five branches of Military, some going to college, some going abroad, some staying home, we have more than enough opportunity to make our mark on the world."
"I say to my fellow graduates: As we shuffle out of this auditorium tonight to embark on a new adventure, to go our separate ways, never forget where you came from and I challenge you to make your mark. Thank you."
When I finished my speech, the crowd erupted in applause. For a moment, I felt ten feet tall, that is, until I locked eyes with Kyle. His blue eyes were deeply saddened although his face wore an expression of pride. I could hear his thoughts over the applause and across the room: "Why did you hurt my son?" My heart broke and I began to cry. To everyone else in the room, it passed as a normal reaction to the torrent of emotions I was feeling right now, but Kyle knew better. I know he did because he broke eye contact.
Still crying, I heard Principal Wells' voice through the speakers: "Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the Class of 2012!"
That being our cue: I grabbed my white cap and threw it in the air, watching it mingle with the abundance of blue ones. Though I felt happy and accomplished, I still felt an emptiness that I was obviously trying to fill with tears.
When I made it backstage, I heard my sobs blend in with the sobs of thirty or so other graduates. My face was buried into my hands as I felt strong arms around my shaking shoulders... Logan! I felt myself relax into his loving embrace as his large hand stroked my hair soothingly. Something wasn't right.... This wasn't Logan's familiar cologne that filled my nostrils, my body didn't fit this way against Logan's, and this wasn't Logan's voice whispering to me reassuringly. I uncovered my eyes and looked into the beautiful blue eyes of Tristan Wilson.
I chuckled nervously and gave him a smile. "Thank you, I needed that," I said quietly.
"Anytime, Lauren, day or night, just call me and I'll be there," he said, lifting my chin so I could look him in the eye. After releasing my chin, he walked away. I watched him as the distance between us grew larger.
After I regained my composure, I looked at the other Seniors searching through the sea of caps for their own so that could no doubt go to some after party. One that I truly doubted that I would go to.
When I looked up from the floor, I saw Logan staring at me with red-rimmed green eyes. My heart sank again... he must have saw that little scene Tristan a few minutes earlier and was probably thinking all the wrong things.
"Logan-." I began but he was already heading towards the door.
