Life with: at and Alejandro Ep. 16

The therapist took off his glasses and put them on his desk. With a sigh, he put the pads of his fingers along the bridge of his nose. He was completely in over his head with these two. He wasn't a marriage counselor, as they desperately needed, but a psychiatrist. Yet still, they insisted that he help them in areas he had no experience simply because of familiarity.

"You had..." He stopped himself short. He grabbed his notepad off the edge of his desk and joined the couple in the seating area of his office. He thought they were just dropping by to give an update. He was excited to see that they had willingly come to him and he thought it meant they were doing better. Instead, the first words to come out of Kat's mouth was that she had had an affair on the vacation he suggested they go on. Strangely enough, he could tell they were closer than before they'd left.

"Kat," He nearly groaned her name. "Tell me what happened." Kat sighed.

"I met someone on vacation," She give him a nervous yet expectant look. It coaxed him to use his imagination to fill in the gaps and he did just that.

"You had sex with another man?" He asked neutrally.

"No—no I didn't." She quickly corrected. He was even more confused than before. "I had an emotional connection with him. It was beyond the physical." The therapist looked fleetingly at Alejandro. Alejandro stared blankly at a spot on the floor. His face was upturned in mild anguish and anger. He was statuesque beside Kat but sitting closer to her than he'd allowed himself to before their vacation.

"So, there wasn't any sexual connection?" Kat opened her mouth as if to say no but shut her mouth just as fast. That would be a bold-faced lie to tell. Franco made her feel things she had almost forgot her body still responded to. The therapist was getting visibly frustrated with the situation. "Kat, tell me everything from beginning to end."

"I'm going to step out." Alejandro stood and began venturing toward the door. Kat kneaded her fingers in her lap.

"Mr. Ortiz," The therapist called. "You need to be here. Have a seat please."

"I'm not going to listen to my wife's stories about being with another man." He bellowed, his sentiments thick in his accent. Kat swallowed the lump in her throat.

They'd been doing relatively well the past few days. She could feel a bit of a difference in Alejandro; she saw him more, he spoke to her, he helped around the house and he showed the kids a lot more affection. She was happy with their progress but they were still dancing around her affair. It was still a block in the room despite them both trying to move on from it. She suggested they see his therapist and try to work on it in a professional setting.

"This is your reality, Mr. Ortiz. And you are choosing to stay in it, am I right?" Was he choosing to stay in it? That meant he was choosing to stay with Kat. He'd be choosing to work through whatever it was they had going on. And that was something he had already decided on. Still, everyone waited for his physical response.

Alejandro returned to his seat.

"Kat," His therapist invited her to continue. "Instead of a detailed recap how about you just tell me what about the situation allowed you to continue."

"Okay, well..." She sighed reflective. "I can say I felt seen and cared for." She was short but it was as truthful as she could be. The therapist stared her in the eye for an extra second. She met him head on.

"You aren't remorseful." It was a statement and a question simultaneously. From where they sat, Alejandro couldn't see her eyes. But she was confident. She was still holding onto her resolve and it was even stronger than it was before. If she hadn't done what she did, Alejandro wouldn't have felt she was slipping through his fingers. Their marriage would be exactly where it was before they left. She would be just as miserable.

"No." She took everyone by surprise. "I am not." He smirked at her, his hand under his chin. He waited expectantly as if she already knew what his next question would be. "The days I had spent with him were my happiest in the last year."

"Hmph," He put a finger to his lip for a moment. "Alejandro," The therapist called for his attention. He turned his seething expression toward him. "You're okay with this?" He pressed. Alejandro swiped his hand over his mouth and down his jaw.

"Yeah," He said halfheartedly. "I mean—" Kat watched him with narrowed eyes. She'd be annoyed if Alejandro said things in their session he hadn't told her at home and in private. The purpose of coming in was to piece their feelings together and work through them. Not to surprise each other with unspoken revelations. "I wasn't when I first found out." They both remembered the scary night at the hotel. "But I can't be mad at her for going after happiness. I wasn't doing all I could to make her happy."

"How * did * you find out?" They both fell quiet. The therapist could see their expressions changing. "Well?" His curiosity was growing.

"I—I saw them kissing."

"And you fought him." The therapist finished on a light chuckle. He closed his notepad as if to signify that this situation was beyond any of the traditional methods of counseling he had up his sleeve. "So, what about this man drew you in?—What was it that he offered you that you needed so badly you couldn't pass it up?"

"I would say," She started reflectively. "The connection and intimacy that everyone wants from their partner. I felt he appreciated me for what he saw in me. I felt lust which was the closet I had gotten to love in a long time. It was fun and exhilarating not to worry about my marriage for a moment." She said lightly. "I mean—I had stomach ulcers for months. I couldn't eat, I couldn't go five minutes without thinking about how much Alejandro, my husband, hated me." She always found herself going back to those days where she didn't know what was going on with Alejandro but just that everything had changed. "After living like that for so long and losing myself in it all, I'm not ashamed to say I chased after something that made me feel amazing." And there was very little anyone could say to change her mind about it now that it was done.

"Well Kat, Alejandro was very sick and—"

"We're not going to do that anymore." Alejandro scolded. His sharp bass resounded in the room and it seemed like everyone stopped breathing to listen. "I want her to feel entitled to her emotions. Her feelings have always been put behind what's going on with me and she is always forced to forget herself and what she needs. I don't want to do that to her anymore." He spoke to the wall ahead of him, away from both Kat and the doctor. "She has a right to how she's feeling regardless of my mental health."

Kat smiled lightly at her clasped hands.

The doctor was completely taken aback. Not only was Alejandro chastising him but he was forcing the therapist to think differently. Only then did it make sense that they both had been pushing Kat aside for six months to focus on him. And even worse, she had willingly allowed it and even encouraged it for almost a year.

"That's a very interesting perspective, Alejandro." The doctor started. "I assume this is the level of visibility you had been needing from him?" Kat began nodding even before he finished the sentence.

"Yes." She turned to Alejandro. He felt her eyes on him and turned to face her too. They sat on the love seat, staring at one another head on. "Thank you." She whispered quiet enough for only them to hear.

"How are you two doing intimately?" The doctor reached for a glass of water on the end table. Kat nearly choked and Alejandro immediately started readjusting in his seat. "You both seem to have much more chemistry than the first time I saw you—which—I must add is now after the vacation I recommended, that somewhat worked." He boasted. "Maybe not in the exact way I was hoping." He added.

"We aren't intimate." Kat said simply. She was desperately frustrated though. Sex was starting to consume her thoughts daily after her dealings with Franco. She could hardly satiate herself anymore. Between trying to find the time between the kids, work and avoiding Alejandro, she only had a 10 minute window to find release.

But even still, nothing compared to the touch and caress of a man. And there was only one man who could touch and caress her in the ways she most needed.

"Do either of you have any urges?" Kat swallowed roughly. Neither of them replied. When he realized no one would answer, he continued. "Well, I want you two to test your boundaries. Not too much that you forego all the relationship development you need to do but just small gestures of physical intimacy." Kat was somewhat excited. She hoped Alejandro was willing to try it. "Get used to touching each other again—Like now. Go ahead and try to hold hands."

Kat was hesitant. Everything about this situation, between Franco and the Andres emergency, had made her more careful with her vulnerability. She stopped wearing her heart on her sleeve for Alejandro. She was more reserved; only speaking when spoken to or not inquiring about his feelings for a few days. Kat was more centered around herself and that was something she hadn't done before. Needless to say, extending her hand for Alejandro felt impossible to do.

But he had done it for her.

He didn't waste any time with the weirdness of who was going to initiate it. He had simply grabbed her hand off her lap and thread his fingers through hers.

"Very nice." The doctor praised like a parent whose child had done well on a test or a project. It elicited a chuckle from both Alejandro and Kat. In a sense, he was a parent. He was practically fathering and developing their relationship from a little stub of near nothingness. But now there was a piece of hope blooming from the root. "I want you to hone in on what your relationship used to be. I want you to talk about your most fond memories of each other—really try to bask in the happiness you used to have from a point of reflection. Understand why you need one another and what about this..." He tried to find some less harsh words but failed. He'd just use the harsh one instead. "Infidelity has brought you two closer together."

"Alejandro, I still want you working on yourself, though. Continue your medications and make sure you don't overwhelm yourself with trying to keep Kat happy. I know you want to show her you are making progress but let it come about genuinely otherwise, you'll end up right back in this spot again."

*

"I remember when I was still staying at the hotel," Kat turned to smile at him while he drove. They'd been holding hands since they left the therapist's office. Kat had little to no complaints about it. It was reminiscent of a time very early in their relationship. When the thought of Alejandro literally made her smile. She had her feet on the dashboard and one hand laced between his on her lap the the other lying on top of them both. "The first night I met you, I couldn't stop thinking about you—it was the most annoying thing ever." She laughed.

"I'd fall asleep thinking about you and then I'd wake up wondering if and when I'd ever see you again." She said delicately. "I had never felt that way about anyone before."

"Really?" Alejandro asked. She thought they'd discussed this before but at that moment she wasn't sure. But, she wouldn't give up a chance to have a conversation with him.

"Yeah, I had never been in love before." She said simply. But decided to correct herself. "Not to say that I was in love when we first met," She was. "But I had never felt that kind of attachment before. I was always really guarded because of my childhood so I didn't like to commit to anyone. I'd date and date for months at a time and I didn't really feel that need to see them constantly or anything."

"What was different about me?" He asked, leaning up to check his mirrors and switch lanes with one hand.

"Nothing was different." She caught him off guard. She laughed. "I wanted to go back home, remember?" Strangely enough, he had forgotten about that. She was willing to walk away from everything she had created in Argentina without a second thought. He remembered how heartbroken he was the weeks leading up to her departure.

He was sure he'd had stomach ulcers from the stress because it pained him to eat. He couldn't think about food or pleasure knowing that a silent timer was over Kat's head. She tried her best to continue as normal; cooking, cleaning, working and laughing with him. And he tried his best to make her change her mind. But she had passed him up every time.

The night that she declined his proposal at dinner and left him at the table, he had walked out onto the dark street and vomited on the pavement. He went home, drank about a pint of scotch and passed out on the bathroom floor until the next morning. He even considered letting the kids stay with his father for a week after Kat left because he was so unsure of how he'd handle her leaving. He was worried his kids would see him at one of his lowest points in his life.

But she stayed and he hadn't had to think about any of that since. He hadn't had to think about how miserable his life would be without her again. And that had been precisely the problem. So, now he was on the brink of losing her again.

"I remember when you were pregnant with Andres," Alejandro started. "You had stayed home with the kids because there wasn't any school and I came home from work—all of you were laying in bed sleeping as if it were eleven at night. Mari's head laid right on your breast like a literal pillow," They both laughed. "She had her arm wrapped around it and everything." Kat chuckled a little harder. "Diego's feet were propped up on your belly like a footrest and you were snoring with your mouth wide open." As she usually did.

They both smiled, remembering how stressful things had been around that time. It seemed to be right when Alejandro's depression had started to really manifest itself into a problem. Once the baby was born, it seemed to kick into overdrive.

"I just changed my clothes and got in bed with you." He said quietly. "You latched onto me so naturally and I fell asleep right with you." Kat sighed as his little story concluded.

Remembering their most genuine memories with one another was really a way to bring up some painful nostalgia. She would do anything to live those days again.

They pulled up to their home and he parked the car in the driveway beside Marlennys'. She was kind enough to come by and watch the kids while they went to therapy. Kat loosened her grip on his hand and started maneuvering for the seatbelt buckle.

"I think I'm going to cook—" She started to mumble to Alejandro but more so to herself.

"Kat," Alejandro held her hand a little tighter. Kat's attention was instantly captured. When her wide eyes met his, he continued. "Are you still thinking about separation?" Kat swallowed.

She had been teetering on the idea since she brought it up and since Andres' hospitalization but it wasn't as strong as their last night on the resort. However, it would always be an option until Alejandro showed * consistent * progress. Managing to say more than three words to her wasn't enough to take it off the table.

"Yes, I've had some thoughts." He huffed dejectedly. "But the more I see you trying to get better, the less likely it is to happen. And you have been trying your best and I see that." He looked so defeated, she almost felt bad. Almost. "I am looking out for myself now too, Alejandro. In addition to you and the kids which I was doing already. I don't want to blindly go all in with this if you aren't healthy yet. I want to make sure."

"Okay." He sighed. Why did Kat feel so bad? How was he able to always make her feel this way? No matter what she did, it just wasn't enough for anyone—herself, her kids or Alejandro. It just didn't seem fair. She could feel her frustration with everything building. This was the feeling she had told herself hundreds of times she didn't deserve to feel anymore. "What is it?" Alejandro asked, reading her doe eyes.

She chuckled lightly. "I was consistent in being a perfect wife despite everything going on and I hated myself. I did what I wanted and what made me happy at the time and felt like I was ruining my life. I decide to separate and I'm made to feel guilty. Now that I want to be cautious, I feel like I'm punishing you." She laughed a little harder. "I can't win."

And as much as she hated herself for it, at that moment, she was thinking of being with Franco. Where things were so simple that they made sense because they had to. Where the laws of attraction were the only forces that mattered. Everything else was a blimp in the sky over crystal clear oceans and a sandy beach. Literally.

"Kat, I didn't ask that to make you feel bad." Alejandro explained. "I just don't want you to think of it as an option anymore because I want you here with me. But I understand what I need to do to have that." Kat twisted her fingers in her lap.

"I want you to do it because you're healthy." She corrected. Kat felt that maybe his change in attitude was only because he was threatened Kat may have been turning toward another man. She wondered if maybe his ego and pride as a man had surfaced from beneath his concrete of depression instead of his love for her. One of the options was much more genuine than the other and only one would last through the test of time.

*

"Pat," Kat started tiredly.

After hiding everything from her mother for nearly a year, she finally decided to come clean. She'd only been hurting herself by blocking out all her amazing advice. Kat was trying to protect the reputation she'd built for Alejandro as a perfect man, husband and father but it was now progressing too far to keep hiding.

"What's wrong?" She already knew and it was too late to change her mind.

Kat explained everything to her adoptive mother. From the day Andres was born, to the day they moved into their new house, to the day Alejandro took one of the biggest positions of his career. She recalled her affair, Alejandro's never-ending poor treatment, his hard stares, cold words and unspoken abstinence. She told her about the clumps of hair in the sink, the extra holes she put in her belt, her constant stomach aches and sleepless nights. Patricia knew about Andres' medical emergency and their new, experimental relationship blooming around tragedy.

"Katty..." She started once Kat sounded like she let out the last sentence on her last physical breath. Kat waited patiently for her response but inside, she was a wreck of nerves. She settled deeper into the seat of her car. She was parked right outside the house in the driveway after coming home from work. Pat called her just as she put the car in park and she felt the guilt of keeping her in the dark heavy on her chest. Alejandro was already inside with Andres and the kids would be coming off the school bus soon.

She'd done such a great job of painting a perfect life for her mother. Over the last decade, she had built some ideal, post-card worthy family. Most of that portrayal was real and didn't need to be fabricated; she loved her job, her kids, her new home and her husband but more importantly, she felt he loved her just as much. There was no need to convey anything differently because her life was more than enough. But lately, the trend had been to maintain what was no longer the truth.

She was never quite sure why she decided not to tell Pat what was going on in her life but once the first opportunity had been missed, she felt the next was even more difficult to take. So, it became easier to maintain the fake life she'd known to be real.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She sounded so hurt and concerned. Kat didn't have a response. "Were you embarrassed, Kat?" Was she embarrassed? Maybe.