Kat was back in her car after handing the kids over to Carmen. She started the engine and cranked the AC into full blast. She was sweating bullets but it was only 70 degrees. She could feel her thoughts tiring her out and she knew she'd break down if she didn't preoccupy herself soon.
She reached into her purse on the passenger seat and felt around for her cell phone. She couldn't call Marlennys; yesterday she went to her first doctor's appointment with her husband. Kat didn't want to cast a grey cloud over their happiness.
However her second choice was Pat.
Regardless of everything happening between Kat and Alejandro, Kat still loved him. That fact was what kept her from telling Pat how horribly he'd been treating her. She didn't want Pat to form any negative opinions about him while she still felt so strongly for him. So she kept his attentive husband and father persona alive when Pat was involved.
Kat dialed her number, not even bothering to find her calling card. She'd accept whatever outrageous fees her company billed her.
"Katty Pooh, how are you my love?" Pat answered. Kat smiled, her voice instantly calming her.
"I'm well—just dropped the kids off with Carmen so now I'm waiting around," She sighed "how're you?"
"I'm good, missing my babies..." Soon Pat was going off on a tangent about everything she was missing back in Brooklyn. Her consistent chattering kept her mind preoccupied for a few well needed moments.
Although after she'd gotten the kids, Kat was emotionless on her way home. Her wandering mind kept her on edge, pulling up situations and possible solutions.
*
It'd been a week since Kat had seen Carmen and her large blemish, but the topics managed to consume her thoughts constantly. Every time Alejandro was out of her sight, unable to pay her existence no attention, she'd assume he was out enjoying the company of his ex.
The idea of Alejandro making love and showing kindness to another woman no longer upset her to the point of tears. She was past the point of crying and asking herself what she'd done to create the monster she continuously avoided. Her robotic nature was evident the first few days. She hardly spoke to the kids and often isolated herself from her coworkers. It was a stage where she required time to think about her next step.
Once she was prepared to speak on her plans, she turned to her best friend. She and Marlennys carefully planned Kat's options when she told her about the massive assumption. If she was right about everything, she wanted her decision thoroughly considered. Kat could either pack up and take Andres or try and work it out with Alejandro. Both required large amounts of courage that Kat wasn't quite sure she was capable of. Trusting Alejandro after he'd betrayed her would be hard, but if he was willing to give his mistress up for his family, she'd try.
Her own self value was hanging by a thread and she couldn't estimate the time it'd take for it to be rebuilt. To know that after all these years Alejandro was still attracted to the woman who birthed his first born kids would devastate her. It'd mean that for years she was living in a false sense of love.
Kat looked over to the digital clock on the left. The empty side of the bed left a clear view of the digits and she saw it was almost 4am. She needed to be up in less than 3 hours yet her mind wouldn't spare her a second.
She needed to talk to Alejandro.
She opened the bedroom door and carefully padded down the hall but she couldn't help checking on the kids. She peered into Maribel's room to see her snuggled cutely into her covers and deep in her slumber. Her night light cast a pink glow across her features. Kat carefully she the door.
Diego was a different story. His sleeping style was similar to Kat's in that his limbs were spread wherever they chose to end up. He was snoring and she could smell the hint of flatulence. Kat decided not to check on Andres because he was an extremely light sleeper. She didn't want to risk messing up his streak of sleeping through the night.
It was pitched black in the hallway and she relied on her touch to get her safely down the staircase. She strolled into the living room to find the couch empty. Her core sank at the realization that Alejandro wasn't even in the house.
Her legs were paralyzed for a few seconds while her breathing deepened and tears began to sting the back of her eyes. Any hope of trying to salvage their relationship had left her body. It was all just too much more pain than it was worth.
If he could do this to her and their kids, he never cared to begin with. Her worst fears had come—
"What's wrong?" Kat jumped lightly. She pivoted around to see Alejandro's sturdily structured frame emerge from behind the sliding deck door. A cool breeze hit her just before he could close it entirely. She crossed her arms over her chest and took a jagged swallow—an attempt to lose the lump in her throat.
"Everything." She was mentally kicking herself. All the incentive to be stern and continue her pissed demeanor was undermined by her childish reply. It sounded as if she was on the brink of collapse.
Surprisingly, Alejandro nodded his head in agreement.
"I know."
"Then what the fuck—" Her anger had resurfaced full force. Alejandro parted his lips to interject but Kat cut him short with a raised hand. She averted her gaze as he looked into her soft palm. "You've had countless opportunities to speak to me. Now I'm speaking." Alejandro's nostrils flared lightly as he relaxed to let her continue.
"All this pain." Kat's emotions were finally, fully natural. Her instinctive act of repression had momentarily ended. Alejandro would feel her hurt and frustration. "I went to the grocery store last week and I saw all these beautiful women—long flowing hair, tanned skin and slender frames."
Alejandro's brows furrowed when he saw her cheek upturn in a smile for just a second. The room's darkness and her slightly detached disposition put a bizarre feel in the air. He felt as if he was a ghost standing in front of an uninformed soliloquist.
"I was never the type to have self esteem issues Alejandro. But these past few months I've also never felt so unattractive. Everywhere I went I was comparing myself to these women because they just might have looked like someone you'd feel was better than me. I gave up so much for you—because I loved you and I thought you loved me. But you're making it hard for me to love myself." She could feel her tears streaking her face and she frantically wiped them away.
"Why?" She sniffled. "Why would you trap me here if you didn't want me to be —" Alejandro grabbed her wrists and threw them over his shoulders clumsily. Kat was too immersed in the affection and her emotions to do anything more than sob into his bare chest. She wept for her family, for her son and for her dignity because the status of those things were cloudy.
"I'm sorry I've made you feel this way." Alejandro grumbled into the crown of her head as she continued to cry. His large arms were wrapped securely around her and he lightly rubbed the length of her back. He tried to find a moment where he could speak again, but her wailing was unwavering. He gave her another minute to express her bottled emotions.
"I love you." The crying stopped abruptly. "I know I haven't been showing you that, and I'm sorry. But I'd never hurt you or my family by having an affair."
"You aren't cheating?" Kat pulled away from him to see his eyes.
"No." She saw sincerity. Her instinctive reaction surprised herself. She thought she'd be happy to discover he was still being faithful to her, but oddly enough, that hurt more than if he were cheating. Kat raised her palm and lashed it against his jaw, leaving a sharp sound in the room and a pink mark against his yellow skin.
Despite the force of her blow, his head stayed in place. They looked each other in the eyes for a few seconds, trying to understand one another's emotions as well as their own.
"I deserved that." He said blandly.
"Yeah, you fucking did." Kat spat. She positioned her hands in the grooves of her back as she tried to calm down. "What is the problem then? If you aren't cheating what is going on that'd stop you from communicating with me—and loving me and your kids?"
"I never stopped loving you or the kids, don't say that." He put a bit of bass in his voice for emphasis. Kat was getting agitated.
"Alejandro, you need to start explaining your behavior, now." He ran a hand over his face exasperatedly.
"Sit." He commanded. She looked at the couch behind her and moved toward it. She moved his throw and pillow so she could leave room for him. He sat beside her on the love seat and tried to find her eyes.
"Promise me you'll let me say all I need to say before you start asking questions." Kat nodded in compliance and Alejandro repositioned himself to finally share all of his troubles with his wife. Kat rested her back against the arm of the sofa and watched him think.
"My life changed very quickly—I had a wife, a baby, a new house and became the head of the paramedic department in less than a year. I got extremely stressed and then I got depressed soon after. I didn't know it was Major Depression until last week. I thought I could get through it without letting you know—"
"Why would you want to do that?"
"Kat." He warned, lifting his gaze to stare at her menacingly. She apologized silently. "I wanted you to be there for the kids, I thought you'd be too concerned with me and then they wouldn't have anyone to depend on. I didn't want to stress you out too—you're already doing so much."
"Can I speak now?" Alejandro nodded.
"I don't appreciate you hiding such a big thing from me. I'm your wife. I love you and I would've been there for you. By shutting me out you only ended up hurting me instead of trying to 'protect' me." Kat didn't know if she was being selfish by complaining about her emotions or if he was selfish for hiding his. All together, she decided to shift the subject a bit.
"So why haven't you been sleeping with me?" The question's context was questionable. Kat quickly corrected herself. "I mean sleeping in the same bed with me."
"I haven't been able to sleep. I wake up every hour. I would've disturbed you." His absence disturbed her more than his tossing would've.
"And church Sunday mornings?" Alejandro disappeared every time she expected him to help her take the kids to service. He never told her anything about where he was going, he just left.
"I have therapy." He'd been going to therapy.
Kat felt disconnected from her husband. He was living a life and experiencing things she had no idea about. She'd missed the beginning stages of trying to find her place within his issues as he tried to deal with them. He already had a system set up for himself and she'd be intruding if she asked to be a part of it. Maybe it'd be best to let him be.
