"Are you sure you've got everything Marlow? Could you please check your pockets again to make sure you've got the tickets?"
"For Pete's sake Louise, I've got the goddamn tickets! How many times do you want me to look? Come on, let's get going. Here, give me a hand with all these suitcases. You've gotta help me or we're gonna be late!"
It's always like this. Whenever we're going on a trip I get short tempered and Louise runs around like a chicken with her head cut off. Somehow we always manage to get through it, and usually about the time our plane is airborne we're back to speaking fondly to each other and looking forward to our holiday.
This year instead of flying off to Mexico we'd decided to do something a little different and booked a cruise to the Caribbean. Louise and I weren't getting any younger and we thought it might be fun to take it easy and get pampered for a couple of weeks. My only fear was there might be a bunch of noisy kids on board to spoil our peace and quiet.
When we got to the dock it was pretty clear I didn't have anything to worry about on that score. Louise and I were the youngest ones there, and since we were in our fifties that wasn't very good. Now I was beginning to worry that all of the passengers would be way too old for us.
"God, look at the people waiting to board, Louise. I knew I shouldn't have let you talk me into this kind of holiday. Some of this crowd look like they sailed on the Mayflower! Why the heck didn't you tell me you'd booked us on a friggin seniors' cruise? I'll bet every cabin comes equipped with courtesy oxygen."
"Very funny Marlow, I wish for once you'd stop being so negative. I'm sure there's going to be lots of younger people going too."
In spite of what Louise was saying she looked a little worried. We'd spent a lot of money on this trip, and if we were going to be stuck with the same people for twelve days I'm sure she didn't want them to be escapees from a retirement home anymore than I did.
"Now Marlow, once we're on board try to behave yourself," Louise nagged. "Somehow you always manage to stick out like a sore thumb."
I turned to Louise and cracked a smile.
"Okay honey. How's this? Why don't I order double shots of Geritol for everybody when we hit the bar? Then I should be the life of the party!"
I'd no sooner spoken when I crashed headlong into the person ahead of me, knocking us both ass over tea kettle.
"What the hell, why don't....." My voice froze in mid sentence. Maybe things were going to be okay.
I stood transfixed. There, sitting on the ground before my eyes was a woman so perfect I would literally drag myself on my hands and knees just to drink her bathwater. I swear I was looking at Marilyn Monroe's clone. I offered up a silent prayer of thanks to the God of Beautiful Things.
"Now look what you've done Marlow! I think you owe this lady an apology."
I heard Louise's voice from somewhere far off, pulling me back to reality. My wife had a knack for stating the obvious. I put out my hand to help the woman up.
"I'm really sorry. I guess I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going."
"That's okay, no harm done," she said in a husky voice dripping with promise.
She stared at me lustfully as she dusted off her beautiful little behind. If my wife hadn't been with me I would have been only too glad to dust it off for her. I hoped Louise didn't notice my drooling.
"Hi, my name's Phil Marlow and this is my wife Louise. Yeah, I know, you don't have to say it, just like the detective. I'll never figure out what the hell my parent's were thinking when they stuck me with a name like this. You might as well call me Marlow. Most people do."
"Well, hello Marlow, it's very nice to meet you. I'm Carmen Friesen and this is my husband Bobby. I imagine we'll probably be bumping into each other again on this trip," she joked.
A powerfully built black man sporting dreadlocks and just a little shorter than a three story building appeared out of nowhere and pumped my hand, crushing it in an iron grip. My wife stood there staring at him like a dog eyeing a t-bone steak. I made a mental note to keep an eye on her. Bobby Friesen's huge size and Adonis like looks probably gave him an edge when it came to bedding the ladies.
"Hey Marlow," he grinned, revealing a set of choppers that made me wish I'd worn my sunglasses. "Pleased to meetcha Mon, you goin on da boat?"
He might have me beat in the looks department but he obviously wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree. I wanted to tell him we were baggage handlers but a quick glance from my wife put an end to that. I decided to compromise.
"Yep, we sure are. How about you? You going?"
Louise shot me a withering look.
"Yeah Mon, Carmen and I we on our first holiday together," he said, my wit flying over his head like a supersonic jet. "Were takin her back home to meet my folks in Jamaica. That's where I am from Mon!" he said, verifying my hunch that he wasn't Swedish.
"I'm glad we metcha. Carmen and I, we worryin there be no one our age to be jammin with. Say Mon, after we get set up in our cabins, what say we find the cocktail lounge and have a few drinks? We're in room 206."
"That's great!" Louise squealed, sounding like she'd just won the million dollar lottery. "Your cabin's right next to ours. We're in 207 and we'd love to join you! Why don't you come and knock on our door when you're ready?"
After we'd located our cabin and Louise had unpacked the forty or so suitcases she insisted on bringing, she disappeared to freshen up. Fifteen minutes or so later she emerged from the bathroom wearing glossy bright red lipstick and the tiniest piece of clothing I'd ever seen.
"Do you think this dress is okay Marlow?"
"Sure sweetheart, it's perfect. That is, if your aim is to get that big black hunk sniffing after you. Jesus Christ, Louise, I can see right up to your goddamm yin-yang! You don't think maybe it's a little too obvious? And where the hell are your panties?"
"Oh Marlow, don't be silly, we are on holiday after all, and I am wearing panties. I bought myself a new thong. Why do you have to be so uptight?"
"Come on Louise, your dress is so short were going to have to find a crowbar to pry your pussy off your chair! And that new lipstick you're wearing is so fucking bright it makes you look like you've got your masters degree in cocksucking. I'm not stupid, you know. I saw the way you were looking at that Bob Marley wannabe!"
"Well, what about you gawking at Carmen? Honestly Marlow, it was embarrassing seeing you standing there with you're tongue hanging out."
She had me there. It was time to back off. I mean hell; if she wanted to run around half naked there wasn't much I could do. Besides how bad was that? If Louise's new dress was typical of what women wore on a cruise, I could hardly wait to see what Carmen would be wearing. As luck would have it I didn't have to wait too long. A minute later Bobby was banging on our door like a punch drunk prize fighter.
