I'm Not Going

This is a fictional story. Having said that, I have never gotten a woman pregnant and thus have never been through a miscarriage. What happens may be totally inaccurate and off base. Just remember, it's fiction! LOL

* * * * * *

As I left the FBI office, one of the agents said to me, "Taking Mercedes to the OB-GYN's office?"

"Yeah! We're going to have an ultrasound. Doctor said during the last one that we might be able to hear the baby's heart beat this time."

She squeezed my arm. "Oooh! This so exciting!"

"Yeah, just don't tell anyone else. I wanted to keep it quiet."

"I promise, I won't tell. See you later!"

I ran the rest of the way out to my car, got in and put the key in the ignition.

Twenty minutes later I pulled in to the parking lot of the doctor's office and practically ran inside.

To my relief, I came in and saw Mercedes at the counter. I went up, just in time to hear the secretary say, "The doctor is running just a little bit late, so have a seat. It shouldn't take too long."

Mercedes said, "Oh. Okay."

The secretary said, "Is anything wrong?"

"I've been having odd sensations. Like cramps."

"How long have you been having them?"

"It just started today. I'm a little worried."

"Well, don't worry, I'll notify Doctor Franklin."

"Okay. Thanks." She turned around and saw me, and broke out into a relieved smile. She flung her arms around me, and stayed like that for a minute.

I said, "I'm glad to see you, too."

Mercedes pulled back, looking sheepish. "Sorry."

I kissed her forehead. "Don't be sorry. I heard about the cramps. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm -- There goes another one. Yeah, I'm okay. Just these twinges are really driving me crazy."

"Well, be sure and ask the doctor, okay?"

"Oh, believe me, I will, Zach. Trust me. I want to make sure our baby is OK."

I kissed her again. Mercedes replied with an anxious smile.

Just then, the secretary said, "Mercedes? The doctor will see you now. The nurse will take you back."

"Oh, thank you. Can he come back with me? He's the father."

The secretary smiled. "Sure."

I followed Mercedes past the counter, where a nurse in green scrubs and white sneakers stood waiting. She gave a professional smile and said, "Come on back with me, Mercedes."

I followed the two women through the door and down a long hallway.

I was made to wait out in the hallway while the nurse had Mercedes change, and took her vitals and all that good stuff that nurses do before The Doctor comes in.

Finally the nurse came out. "You can go in now. Sorry about that. Patient privacy and all that."

"No problem. I understand."

I opened the door and went inside. Mercedes was sitting on the exam table, wearing the customary exam garment. She gave me another one of those anxious smiles. I took her hand, held it and squeezed it.

The doctor arrived quite quickly. There was a knock at the door, two quick knocks, before the door opened and the doctor came inside.

She was actually quite young, blonde and perky looking. She smiled. "Hi, Mercedes. Sorry to keep you waiting. The nurse said you've been having twinges?"

Mercedes said, "Yes, Doctor Franklin."

"How long have you been having them?"

"They just started this morning."

"Let's get you on the table so we can do your ultra sound. You're at about eight weeks, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, with any luck, we might be able to hear the baby's heart beat. So go ahead and lie down for me and we can do your ultrasound."

Mercedes swung her legs up and laid down on the exam table. The doctor spread some kind of clear jelly on her tummy and then took a device and put it on her where she rubbed the jelly.

Then the doctor turned on a monitor.

As she moved the device around, she started pointing things out to us. Finally - something appeared on the screen that we both had been longing to see.

The baby.

Mercedes said, "It's so tiny."

The doctor smiled. "At this stage it's still only about the size of an almond or a walnut."

Then I said, "But we might be able to hear the baby's heart beat?"

"We might. If I can just move it a little farther....."

And then suddenly, a noise came through. A different noise than the background static.

A heart beat. Fast. Strong.

The doctor's smile widened at our looks of wonder. "There it is. There's your baby's heart beat."

Mercedes smiled at me, as a tear ran down her cheek. "That's our baby, Zach!"

I leaned down and kissed her cheek.

Mercedes sniffed and then said, "Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl yet?"

"Not yet. The baby might be fully developed at eight weeks but it's difficult to tell the gender right now."

I said, "How much longer till we can tell, do you think?"

"Oh, probably about another three or four weeks, I think. I'm just going to leave you guys alone."

We both said, "Thank you, Doctor."

The doctor stood up and left the room, a smile on her face.

And then, all at once, quite suddenly, Mercedes cried out in pain and squeezed my hand so hard I jumped.

There was a rather gross squelching noise. That was when I noticed there was a red splotch on the exam table liner.

Just as suddenly Mercedes passed out.

I ran to the door and shouted, "Doctor! Nurse! Anybody!"

The nurse who had taken Mercedes' information ran over. "Something wrong?"

"Yeah, look!"

The nurse looked for herself and shouted, "Doctor Franklin!"

Then she ran over to Mercedes and started to work. "Mercedes! Can you hear me? Talk to me!"

To my profound relief, Mercedes began mumbling incoherently.

The nurse took her pulse, listened to her chest. "Boy, her pulse is awfully slow. Doctor!"

Doctor Franklin appeared suddenly. "What's wrong?"

"Doctor, I think Mercedes just miscarried."

"Let me call an ambulance."

Not even five minutes later the paramedics arrived and took Mercedes away.

* * * * * * * *

Three hours later, Mercedes was in a treatment room at the hospital.

The hospital ER staff was leaning towards sending her home, until I flashed my badge. Treatment was prompt after that.

Now Mercedes was laying on a gurney, a clear plastic oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, affixed to her face by a rubber band.

The ER doctor, also a woman, this time an older brunette who looked like she hadn't seen sleep in a while, came up to me and said, "Mr. Jones, may I speak with you out the hall way, please?"

"Yeah." I gently squeezed Mercedes' arm. She smiled back through her oxygen mask.

Then I followed the doctor out in the hallway.

She glanced back, then at me.

I said, "Give it to me straight, Doctor."

"I'm correct in assuming she was pregnant?"

I just gave a single nod.

"Unfortunately, she might not be now."

My heart dropped to the floor. "What do you mean?"

"She had what we call a spontaneous abortion. A miscarriage."

"You gotta be kidding me."

"I'm afraid not. Unfortunately this happens to about twenty percent of women with their first pregnancies. And that's not even the worst part."

"And what's that?"

"Medical science has no explanation why it even happens in the first place. Either a pregnancy goes to term or it doesn't. What happens inside a woman's uterus is completely outside human control."

"Okay. So what about Mercedes?"

"Well, she is stable right now. We've got her on oxygen, and we've given her morphine for the pain. I want to keep her overnight, just for observation. Make sure she doesn't start bleeding again. She can go home in the morning."

"Okay. I'm sensing there's some other stuff you don't want to tell me?"

The doctor's eyes shifted away and back again. "She might need counseling in the wake of this. Was this her first pregnancy?"

"I don't know for sure. But I think so."

"Okay. I've seen this kind of thing before and I can tell you that no two women react the same way."

"Like how?"

"Some women are very quiet, almost stoic. Some women constantly cry uncontrollably. Or they don't cry at all, but start crying as soon as they even see a pregnant woman, or a woman with children. You just have to be patient with her. Get her to talk, if she wants. It's just going to take time."

This time I glanced at the treatment room.

Then I turned back to the doctor. "Can I see her?"

"Of course you can. But make it brief. After we move her to a room, I'm going to give her a sedative to help her sleep."

"Right." I went back into the treatment room. Mercedes looked up at me as I went up to her. I took her free hand as I saw tears brimming in her eyes. "Listen. The doc says you need to stay over night, make sure you don't bleed any more. Then in the morning I can take you home. Okay?"

Mercedes smiled, or tried to. Her bottom lip quivered through the oxygen mask.

I kissed her forehead. "I'd stay but the doctor says you need your sleep. So don't give the nurses any drama, okay?"

This time Mercedes definitely smiled. She nodded and squeezed my hand back.

"Okay. I'll be back in the morning to take you home. And please remember, I love you."

Tears sprang out of her eyes and trailed down her face. I just kissed her forehead and made my way out of the hospital.

* * * * * * * *

Two days later, I took Mercedes back to the clinic. She was getting better, but she still looked weak and pale.

The people at the clinic were patient and understanding. They spoke to Mercedes with sympathetic though clinical voices.

This was the part that I hated. It wasn't just Mercedes. The clinic people spoke to both us in a way that was supposed to help us feel better, but instead it just pissed me off.

However, I had no idea how Mercedes felt. She hadn't been talking very much. I was a little worried about that. But no brilliant ideas were coming to me to get her to talk. Maybe her mother would get her talking.

Even though Mercedes wasn't in any condition to be going anywhere yet, today was the day her parents usually had their weekly dinners where the whole family came.

Mercedes was dead set against telling her family she had been pregnant, or even that she had gone to the hospital. I didn't think that was such a hot idea, but Mercedes was insistent.

Knowing her family's habit of making jokes and talking shit and offending people by accident, I was tempted to put my foot down. But Mercedes was right - her family would know something was wrong then, and wouldn't stop asking questions until Mercedes came clean.

There were no good choices here.

Once again I waited in the hallway while the nurse took Mercedes into the exam room and got her ready.

As I waited, Doctor Franklin came up to me. Her face was searching mine. "How is she?"

"Physically, she's OK. The hospital kept her overnight."

"And what about mentally?"

"I honestly have no idea. She hasn't talked about it any, and frankly, I'm out of ideas about how to draw her out."

"What about family?"

"After we're through here, we're going to dinner at her family's house. But they didn't know she was pregnant in the first place. I'm not looking forward to this, to be honest."

"I'm afraid I agree with you. That doesn't sound like a good combination. In any case, I have to do another ultrasound."

"Is that necessary?"

"I have to confirm the fetus is no longer inside her uterus. Believe it or not, she could still be pregnant, even after all the cramps and bleeding."

I gave a short tense single nod. At the same time, my heart lifted, however temporary that lift was.

Finally the nurse came out. "Doctor, Mercedes is ready."

"Thank you." We went inside.

I went to stand at my customary place, by Mercedes' side.

Doctor Franklin said in a soft voice, "I'm sorry, Mercedes, but we're going to have to another ultrasound. I know this is going to be hard. But we have to know. Okay?"

Tears spilled out of her eyes and down her face. But she nodded silently.

Once again, the doctor spread the jelly on Mercedes' belly and began moving the device around.

This time no static. No heart beat.

The doctor stood up and respectfully covered Mercedes' tummy with a towel. Then she said, "I'm sorry. The baby is gone."

Mercedes started to cry and moan. "No....."

Then the doctor said, "However, Mercedes, everything is perfectly normal. There's no reason why you can't try again and have a normal pregnancy. Don't feel bad about asking for a referral to a psychologist for counseling."

I just said, "Okay. Thanks, Doctor."

The nurse said, "Let me help clean off this goop and you can be on your way."

I just said, "Thanks."

A few minutes later, I was standing out in the hallway, waiting for Mercedes. The nurse came out and gazed at me like she was searching for something.

Then she said, "Just to let you know, that offer of counseling was for the both of you of you. Men have feelings, too. I know this has to be as difficult for you as it is for Mercedes. So if you need to talk, don't be shy about calling us. Okay?"

Despite myself, I smiled. "Yeah. Okay."

"Good. Mercedes is changing clothes. She'll be out in a minute."

* * * * * * *

A little while later, I was parking along the curb, nearby Mercedes' family's house.

Mercedes wasn't talking much. I got the definite sense she was holding something in.

Quietly, I said, "We really don't have to do this, not if you don't want to."

Mercedes shifted. Then she looked at me. "No. Thank you, Zach, but we're here now. So we might as well go in."

I sighed. "I still don't like this."

She took my hand and squeezed it. "Believe me, neither do I. But either way, they're gonna find out."

"Okay, well, just don't be afraid of going to the bathroom if you're about to bite somebody's head off."

Mercedes actually smiled at that. "I won't hesitate for a minute. I promise."

I smiled back. "Okay."

Mercedes looked at the house, sighed, then looked at me again. "We'd better go in, I guess."

"Yeah. Let's go in."

I slid the key out of the ignition, then climbed out and then walked around and helped Mercedes out the car.

The car clicked and beeped at me as I locked the doors and armed the alarm. Then we went up the path to the house.

Minutes later we were inside, being greeted by the family. Bobbie hugged her first, then she said hi to all the boys.

Mercedes' father was still decidedly cool towards me. But also trying to be more civil.

It was her mother, Bobbie, who said, "Mercedes, child, are you alright? You look a little peakie."

"I'm alright, Mom. Just a touch of something."

"Okay, if you say so....."

"I promise, Mom."

Mercedes' father suddenly said, "Wouldn't be surprised if you had a touch of the flu. Just glad it wasn't pregnancy. Don't need one more person getting pregnant...."

Smack!

Mercedes' hand lashed out all by itself, snake-like, and caught her father across the face. Then she left the room, hands over her mouth.

He stood there, mouth open, hand on his face.

I stood up from the couch and said, "I'll just be right back."

I went out on the front porch, where Mercedes was, for once, unabashedly crying and sobbing. When I came out, she flung her arms around me and sobbed in my chest.

I just held her and rubbed her back.

A few minutes later, Bobbie came out on the porch. Her voice was the very definition of motherly patience and love. "Mercedes, dear."

She finally pulled away, sniffing and rubbing her eyes. "Yes, Mom."

"Just be honest with me. Were you pregnant?"

I said, "Was. The keyword being was pregnant. As in once was, but is not any more."

"I rather thought so. This child had a glow like I had never seen."

I smiled. That pretty much described Mercedes.

The Bobbie said, "I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. When your father and I first got married, the first thing we wanted was a child. Boy or a girl, it didn't matter. Took me a while to get pregnant. We were so happy. And then we lost the baby."

Surprise was in Mercedes' eyes. "You never told me that before, Mom!"

"Well, when I got pregnant again, and I had you, and you were all that we wanted, a healthy beautiful baby girl, we counted ourselves lucky. And when you showed all the signs of being with child, I wanted to warn you, but then I figured you would come to me when you were ready."

"Zach and I wanted to wait to tell anyone. We didn't want to jinx it or anything."

Bobbie laughed. "That was exactly what your father and I said when I became pregnant with you. Let's not jinx it. Did you know the gender yet?"

I shook my head. "Doctor said it was too soon to tell."

Mercedes sniffed and wiped her eyes again. "If it was a girl, we were going to name her Clarice after Grandma."

Bobbie nodded. "Grandpa Luther would have been on cloud nine. But don't throw away that name just yet. You can still use it."

"Right, Mom."

"Now you two young people better come inside and finish your dinner."

"Yes, Mom. Just don't make me apologize to Dad."

Bobbie chuckled. "Oh, don't worry. I think he'll stay well clear of you for a few days."

"We'll be back in a minute."

"Okay. But don't take too long. You know how the boys love that macaroni and cheese I make."

"Yes, Mom."

Bobbie closed the front door. Quiet settled down.

Mercedes looked at me. "Guess you were right. I should have come with a warning label."

I laughed out loud. "Next time listen to me. But at the same time, I'm glad you're at least talking about it."

She rubbed my arms. "I know. I'm sorry. Frankly I think we should call off the wedding."

"Why?"

"Because, what kind of wife can't even carry a baby to full term?"

"Mercedes. Listen to me. I love you more than life itself. Yes, a baby would be wonderful. But it's not necessary, for us to be together and be happy. I would marry you regardless of whether you were pregnant or not."

I kissed her forehead. She smiled up at me. "Okay. Besides, this one kind of took me by surprise. Next time I want it on our terms."

"Good. That's what I like to hear. Now let's get inside before they eat everything."

Mercedes laughed and sniffed as I held open the door.

* * * * * * * * *

That evening, after I had once again put away several day's worth of leftovers, I went to the bedroom, to find Mercedes laying in bed, wearing her favorite white cami and matching lace panties.

I slipped into bed next to her. She snuggled up next to me and pulled the blankets up.

"I thought Daddy was gonna have a heart attack after I hit him like that."

We both laughed. "Yeah, you should have seen his face."

"It's just like Daddy to put his foot in his mouth."

We laid there like that for a few minutes longer.

Then Mercedes said, "I love you, Zach."

"I love you, too."

"But I want to wait until we try again."

"Yeah, absolutely. I agree that we should wait, preferably until after we're married."

"I just can't believe how we just lost the baby like that. Just poof, and it's gone." She sniffed.

"I know. I was there, too."

"I know, baby. It must have been horrible for you, too."

"Yeah. And we didn't even get a chance to name it."

Mercedes snuggled a little closer to me. "I know..."

We laid like that for a little while longer.

"Baby?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you still.....want me? Sexually, I mean? After all this..."

I rolled over on my side to face her. "What the hell kind of a question is that to ask?"

"I just meant......"

"I know what you meant. The doctor at the hospital told me that one in every five women miscarry their first pregnancies. You know what else she told me?"

"No. What?"

"That not even medical science has no explanation for it."

"That makes me feel a whole lot better."

"Mercedes, all I'm trying to say is that you are just as desirable and sexy now as you were before you became pregnant. So I don't want to hear any of this."