Damn it, shit, shit, shit! The words ran through my mind as I rushed to throw clothes on and clean the scene of the crime, spraying some Febreze I found to cover the smell of raw sex. The knocking was becoming irritating, and it didn't help that he'd started calling "honey!" My heart rate wouldn't slow down, I knew I was flushed. What worried me the most was with my mind in a whirl, I felt I was bound to make a mistake in this crucial moment. The best I could do was settle myself down enough to open the door and make the scene with me in the house alone with Mr.J look less incriminating.
I took a quick look around the room. Wait, where was Mr.J? It wasn't a moment after I heard the front door open and heard Mr.J say hi to my husband. My blood turned to ice, my chest felt tight and I could hardly breathe regardless I forced myself downstairs. Mr. J seemed to wear a polite smile on his face. Braden tried to return the energy but his smile barely hid his disgruntled look. It became a bit more genuine as he saw me come down. I felt a twinge in my chest. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
Before we could break the ice that also invaded my veins Mr.J spoke up.
"Hey there, I was just telling him how we were about to head out to grab some supplies. Seeing as you're down here now I'll step outside and you can come out when you're ready." Mr. J said with professional enthusiasm before showing himself out.
Ah
That would better explain the look on his face then. At first, I was inwardly shocked he would make a move like this considering the situation but then as a second passed and I processed it, he must've known I'd want to escape from the house and clear my head. He was using this as a way to get more time with me I'm sure. I certainly didn't expect this scheming behavior from him but I steeled myself and decided to go with him. If anything let him know this... Thing of ours, or whatever it was between us was over. First things first as I turned to my husband, it was time to give an Oscar-worthy performance.
"Hey, how was your trip?" I asked softly. He paused for a moment and regarded me before speaking.
"It went alright. You know you never got back to me about hiking, right? " he said, his face tense, and his lips thinned.
"O-Oh that was.. I must've lost track of things." I offered with a weak laugh. Nailing it. His questioning expression only seemed to worsen.
"You look like you've had a rough day so far, your hair isn't usually this all over the place, or is this a new style?"
"It's..yea, a new style I'm trying. I saw it online," I replied with a sigh. His expression loosened and he sighed as well.
"Look Grace, I don't want to hold you up but I want you to know, even if this is one of our rarer moments where we can talk with level voices, you can always talk to me," He said trying to lighten the mood. Though I didn't find his joke all that enchanting, the sentiment was nice.
I gave him a tired but genuine smile, and we hugged while we did our thing where we would put our heads next to each other and make a kissing sound. Keeping the hug short I tried to quickly make my way outside without making it obvious how much of a hurry I was to go.
"I'll be back, there should be some stuff in the fridge if you're hungry," I said as I walked out the door. He said something in response, maybe about how he might have had something already, but I didn't pay much attention. My focus was on Mr.J who was in his car, it looked like he was listening to something.
Quickly making my way toward the passenger side of his car he noticed me and rolled the window down with a playful smile when he saw my frustrated expression.
"Hop in and let's go shopping," he said cheekily. I was almost insulted. He seemed to think everything was all hunky dory. My hands felt tied at the moment so I obliged. I just needed this to all get swept under the rug. As we pulled off I noticed my husband open the door with a rushed energy about him. I didn't like the sinking feeling I had but at the same time, I didn't like most of the feelings I had right now. Whatever it was, it'll simply have to wait till later anyway.
---
We didn't talk for the whole ride to the nearby Home Depot. Mainly because I was still trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say and chill the emotional storm inside me. Mr.J was cool with that, he said he'd give me a minute while listening to some bassy R&B that I hadn't heard before. Brent Faiyaz, I think he said. It was nice, yet it didn't take away from the reality of my situation. I was having an affair with my black plumber, unprotected sex, and I liked everything about it. It would have to end. That's why when he came back in the car from the store I was going to talk to him.
-
I ended up talking to him alright. For quite a while too. We were currently at a Panera Bread which was a favorite of mine. I didn't expect to be here but I felt it'd be best to let him down easy so when I said I was hungry and he said the same I suggested we stop by somewhere. We ended up going inside and the time just flew by. After we got our food and drinks we got a table in the cafe and I tried to initiate the conversation I had planned.
We ended up talking about a lot of other things instead though, I learned Mr.J was doing very well for himself and owned an HVAC business as well as a lawn care business. He was also quite the music enthusiast, something I could relate to. I talked with him about some of my past issues with mental health and found we had a lot in common in that aspect. We went deeper into the subject and he told me about some of the racism he had experienced growing up and how it affected him. Admittedly it kind of made me uncomfortable and quiet.
He noticed and let the subject go and it made me feel worse. I ended up talking extensively about the problems I had with my husband throughout our relationship to compensate. It wasn't that I condoned what he went through. I knew the way some people felt about his kind of person so I wasn't all that surprised by the things he said. Though I felt it was ludicrous, I was white so I'm not sure how much he'd care for my sentiments. I had done my research into the unique form of hatred that seemed to reside in white people towards black people and it's nothing more than a manufactured feud fueled by a lack of critical thinking and elitist propaganda to further their interest. They quite literally replaced slavery in Europe with enslavement of African peoples then spread propaganda to make everyone cool with it as if they weren't recently slaves. It's always been a class war. It's all an incredibly sick and deep rabbit hole I try not to think about.
I gave Mr.J a once over while he was calmly chewing a cinnamon bagel, he noticed my gaze and gave me a small smile. He was good at that, making me feel as if I was a human before anything else. Despite our sexual escapades, it didn't cause him to not connect with me on a human level, it felt like it made that connection easier if anything. I returned his smile, mainly because I couldn't help it, and took a bite of my food. I decided I'd tell him when he dropped me off.
~~~~~
