Could you date a bargirl? I mean date her with the intent of seeing if you are compatible to be partners for life?
First, I use that word "bargirls" because that's what we call them in the Philippines, but let's be honest. They are prostitutes. Maybe not as hard-core as one that works in a brothel or walk the streets, but essentially they are the same.
Second, we need to address or ignore the psychological damage that is done working this type of job. For the sake of the discussion, let's say the subject of our hypothetical question is not damaged in a significant way, or not in a way that is objectionable.
Finally, let's assume the physical criteria are satisfactory. She's hot. Smoking hot and not haggard from years of living the party lifestyle most of these women live. Let's say she is only one year in, and still in peak condition.
Could you engage her in a meaningful relationship? Can you get past her job and compartmentalize it such that it does not affect the legitimate attempt at a relationship building?
Kind of by accident, I found myself faced with that question.
I met Jasmine at a wet market by Manila bay. She was arguing with a vendor that the red snapper she was selling weren't really red snappers but seabream.
I had come home to the Philippines for my cousin's wedding. I was in the wedding party, but it was still a week before we would get started with preparations so I was feasting on all the foods from home I had been missing.
Jasmine is intelligent. I could see it clearly. She was struggling to communicate her thoughts in a manner the fish monger would understand.
Something in my head just told me to help her. I probably should have minded my own business but maybe my time in the US had changed me. I was more outgoing than before.
Jasmine is a very beautiful woman. She was dressed very nicely and looked like she was very familiar with a shower scrubber, so I put my hand on her shoulder and told her I understood her frustration but she should let this injustice go. It was ok.
It was like I hit the "off" switch on her. She stopped, thought about it, and said I was right, and we just walked away from the stall she was at, just the easily.
"Jasmine." She told me. "You are from Batangas, right?"
"Yes. How did you know that?" I replied.
She basically ignored my question because I should already know the answer of course. My accent told her.
"You have been living abroad." She made more of a statement than a question.
"We moved to the US 8 years ago when I was 14." I told her that she was right.
"Would you like to get a coffee?" Jasmine asked.
I was flattered. Jasmine is really beautiful. Not just beautiful but pretty too. She has nice legs and was showing them off with a short white dress, and yes. I noticed. Nothing wrong with that, right? I am lesbian after all. I accepted her invitation.
In a word, our conversation was awkward. Jasmine is definitely smart and pleasant, but like a lot of smart people she is quirky. She didn't seem to have that filter in her mind to alert her if something was inappropriate or not.
For example, she found out I am lesbian and she asked if I had a girlfriend. I told her I didn't, and she asked when the last time I had sex. It wasn't malicious intent behind her question, she just didn't see it was inappropriate.
Her next question was about what I was studying at college. So she wasn't going down a perverted path to satisfy some weird kink. She just said what ever came into her mind apparently.
We talked until the coffee was gone, and then some. I told her I was in a wedding that week, but would enjoy communicating more with her, so we exchanged numbers and I figured I would look her up after the wedding.
The wedding went fine. You didn't read this story to hear about that. I did text her a few days after the wedding. She immediately invited me for coffee again the next day.
Our second meeting was very similar to the first. She was pleasant to talk to, and asked the occasional odd question, but I liked her. I assumed she was at least bi, if not lesbian. She dressed very feminine and stylish, in a skirt and a top that showed a hint of some rather impressive cleavage.
She did nothing but confirm my initial assessment that she was an intelligent person with lots of quirks that were somewhat endearing to me, but might be off-putting to others.
Inappropriate questions and an aversion to things on our table that she wasn't using, for example. She relocated the salt and pepper shaker to the next table while we were chatting. I could see by her expression that they were bugging her being on our table.
I saw it as an opportunity. If she had none of her quirks, she would be well out of my league, but if I was willing to work around them, she might be an excellent partner. For sure a 10 on the beauty scale, and obviously intelligent, I felt like I would be getting a discount on a great dress that was just too fancy for most people.
I decided to be bold. I asked her if she would like to go to dinner with me. She said she had to work, so she couldn't. I wasn't sure if it was a nice way to turn me down, or if she just answered questions too literally, so I asked about the next night.
"I would like to, but I work nights." She replied.
Ok, I thought to myself. She just isn't understanding that I'm trying to see if she is interested in a date. I need to ask differently.
"When are you off work?" I tried again.
"I get 3 or 4 days off per month." She replied. "When I get my period. So probably this coming Tuesday through Friday."
I chuckled at the inappropriateness of her telling me about her period, then I wondered why did that matter. Without thinking it through, I asked her what her job is.
"I'm a bargirl." She replied nonchalantly.
Now I was confused. In a million guesses, I would have never thought to guess that job. It didn't match her at all.
I have no problem with Filipinas doing what they have to for their families, but she could easily do a job that pays more money. Why would she work as a bargirl?
I can't help it. The words just jumped out of my mouth. "Are you serious?"
Luckily she didn't take offense at it. She just said yes like she didn't understand why it was a big deal.
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't get over that she really was a bargirl. It just made no sense.
"To answer your next two questions, yes and yes." She told me.
"What questions? I didn't ask anything." I was not keeping up with her.
"You are going to ask if I really work as a bargirl and go with customers." She explained. "Then you are going to think about it and decide that you still want a date with me and ask me if I will go with you next Tuesday or Wednesday."
Again, I was stunned and behind in the conversation she was having with me.
"And if you are still interested in me after that dinner, I will answer those next questions you come up with about my job, but do give me the courtesy of seeing if you are still interested in me before we have that talk."
Jesus Christ she was trying to help me along, but it's like she already had the whole conversation in her mind - both sides of it.
"So you are interested in me?" I tried to get some solid footing under myself.
"I thought that was a forgone conclusion." She smiled for me. "I mean you certainly are pretty enough and you seem intelligent despite my sporadic dialog making it confusing at times. Most of all, you don't seem to be disturbed by my habits, which makes me think you have been around other odd people before. Probably someone with very strong OCD. Those are all very favorable characteristics to me, so I am indeed interested in a dinner date if you are."
I could not get her off my mind while I waited for our date to occur. Even if she had a normal job, it would be a bit of a roller coaster as we encountered the challenges her unique personality presents.
Could I actually date a bargirl? If we got serious, would she quit and get a regular job? Maybe it would be better to address it one concern at a time. Her job doesn't matter if I don't see the potential of us being compatible as partners.
I had to be realistic. The distance would be a problem. It wouldn't be worth the effort if there wasn't long term potential. Don't kid yourself. Long distance relationships are extra work.
The job thing is tough, but more straightforward to assess. Either I can accept it or not. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong. It's not like everyone else understands love any better than I do. Who's to say what the right way really is?
My instinct has always been to trust my gut. Trust my read on a person, even if I don't fully understand why I feel that way. Most times, I have been right. I did see a world of potential in Jasmine. I don't want an ordinary life, and if you pick an ordinary person for your partner, all you can get is ordinary.
There's no reward without risk. I will keep my wits about me, and keep evaluating every step of the way to make sure I'm still satisfied. But I need to take the first step before worrying about the 5
th
.
Jasmine met me at the restaurant. She wore this spectacular dress. A metal-mesh type of material that hugged her in all the right places. It was sexy but classy. Very impressive to say the least.
I opted for a simple scoop neck dress in a dynamic blue color. I thought I looked good until I saw her.
She greeted me with the normal sniff-kiss thing we do.
"Jane, you look very nice. I like the color of your dress. You certainly are a beautiful woman." She praised me.
It was nice. Her compliment was genuine. It made me feel good and I liked getting it from her.
We chatted and ate a lovely meal together. She jumps around quit a bit in her topics, but still manages to be charming.
