This is more of a psychological exploration of my sexual behavior and compulsions than erotica. There is a lot of background before I get to the sex, so if you're looking for something with more action, this is not it. On the other hand, I think there's something erotic about going deep into a person's motivation and sexual hang-ups, too. Thanks to pennylin for inspiring me to write about my own experiences. Also, there is a cuckolding aspect to this story, so if that's not for you, then you've been forewarned, so don't read it!
There is nothing more common than a story of a woman giving in to a bad boy, or getting involved in an abusive relationship. So in many ways, my story is not that unusual. But to paraphrase Tolstoy, all happy relationships may be the same, but difficult situations have many different explanations.
For the most part, my serious relationships have been with more respectful men, the kind who would describe themselves as feminists, and wouldn't dream of doing anything abusive to their partner. But every now and then, I become entangled with men who aren't just alpha males but real motherfuckers who will mess me up physically or psychologically. Even those of us who pretend to be above animalistic desire will give in to men we shouldn't, given the right circumstances.
What got me thinking about my behavior was reading some stories of other people's experiences that so closely mirrored my own experiences. They really made me see my relationships in a totally new light. I had always seen these encounters with these men as sexual exploration and sometimes victimization-terrible mistakes that I had made. I hadn't realized the extent to which I was drawn to them, or realized that the I didn't just derive sexual pleasure out of these experiences despite the abuse but from the abuse as well.
This story is about a relationship I had with a work colleague in my first job after college, and it wasn't the first or the last of its kind, but it kind of stands out in its intensity and abusiveness. Sean and I were both junior reporters at the same newspaper. We started at the same time, and were assigned to the same desk (newspaper speak for department), and had cubicles next to each other. It was the first job out of college for both of us. We were polar opposites-he was loud and obnoxious, and I suppose you would say that I am more quiet and deferential.
I was put off by Sean when I first met him. He was very self-impressed and thought of himself as quite the player. He was the kind of guy who bragged about the success he had with women. He would talk about how good he was in bed, and imply that he had a very large penis. He had one of those big athletic bodies you get from spending a lot of time in the gym, and the confident air that is attractive to a lot of women, both things that really appeal to me sexually. But if you had asked me if I found him desirable, I would have said denied it. My denial about my physical attraction to him tells you a lot about how I wrestled with my sexuality when I was younger.
Sean was constantly saying inappropriate things of a sexual nature at work. Not just to male colleagues, but to women as well. He was just a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. I know a lot of the things he said were meant to be jokes, but I felt that they often crossed the line and were disturbing to me. But no one seemed to complain about it, and most people seemed charmed by him.
At some point, he started to target some of his lewd comments towards me. I am not the kind of person who is well-equipped to deal with situations like these. I'm not the kind of woman who gets a beer with the guys after work and can dish it out as well as the men. When someone says something lewd to me, I'm sure I just seem like a deer caught in the headlights.
Sean began by making remarks about my body, mostly about how small and thin I was. He would compliment me on various parts of my body. I once wore leggings to work, and he kept telling me all day about how it was like he could see what I looked like naked, and he liked what he saw. I probably shouldn't have worn them to the office ever again, but I think I wore them more after that. I think the female psyche is sometimes difficult for even us to understand. I just tried to take his comments in stride, and say "Thanks!" when he complimented me, no matter how inappropriately.
But pretty early on, he started asking probing questions about my sex life. At that time, I was living with my boyfriend, Chris, who I had started going out with the year before in my senior year in college. By the way, Chris was Asian, like me. Most of Sean's questions and comments were harmless, and meant to be humorous, but there was also an edge to them. For example, an innocent greeting like, "How was your weekend?" might be answered with: "Great, how was yours? You get any this weekend for a change?"
He was good at saying things about you that would get under your skin. Comments that were both complimentary and critical, like: "You look nice in those jeans, but if you weren't so anorexic you might fill them out better." At twenty-one, I still looked a little like a teenager, and as a skinny Asian, I barely had any breasts. So Sean would say things like, "You're really have no tits, but it's a good thing I like flat-chested women." Or "You're so small, I'm curious how sex with you would work." One of the things he said to me often was: "I'm just wondering, is everything about you small?" I just never had a good comeback for any of his comments, and I think it just caused him to want to keep pushing the boundaries with me.
Most people found Sean to be funny and charming, and I did, too, most of the time, but then he would say something so outrageous that it would kind of knock me back a few steps. Like the time he asked me to open my mouth wide. I did, just for kicks, and he studied it for a second, then said, "Okay, it might just fit." I really didn't know what to say. I just laughed and punched him playfully on the shoulder. Sean would also constantly say insulting things about my boyfriend, like "Chris is a nice guy but he's a bit of a pussy, wouldn't you say?" Or: "Tell me the truth, Chris doesn't always get the job done in bed, does he?" I'm not sure why, but these comments always bothered me more than the comments about my body.
But I think Sean's personal comments about me and my body also hit home. Bullies like Sean recognize a person's weaknesses and exploit them. I think I had deep-seated insecurities based on my race and small size that were easy targets for him to hit. Despite society's stereotype of Asian women being desirable and hypersexual, in reality I think that a lot of Asian women probably felt like I did when I was young, that I didn't measure up to the White girls who had curves and seemed more feminine. By contrast, when I was in high school, my body resembled that of a middle school boy. I know that I felt that I couldn't possibly be woman enough for guys like Sean.
Sometimes the harassment would be more than just verbal. A few times we would be on assignment together, and he usually drove, but once he said, why don't you drive, "so I can look at you and not have to pay attention to the road." While I was driving, he pulled my skirt up so that more of my thighs were exposed. I tried to slap his hand away, but I was driving, so I wasn't very effective at it. Every time I pulled my skirt back down, he pulled it up a little higher. And he wasn't shy about touching my leg in the process. Each time he seemed to rub my thighs more, and eventually he was practically massaging me and getting his fingers close to my private parts. Finally, I just left it pulled up, hiked up to where you could almost see my panties. That incident seemed to cross a line, showing not only how far Sean was willing to go but how much I was willing to let him.
The next time we were going to be driving together, I remembered what happened before and was chagrined that I was wearing a dress. I made sure we would go in his car, but then he got in the passenger's seat and tossed me the keys. Then I thought I was being clever, and pulled the hem of my dress as far up as I could without revealing my underwear.
"Nice," he said. "Your Chinese mama teach you to be so slutty?"
"Ha ha," I said. Like I said, I wasn't good at comebacks. But at least I thought, situation dealt with.
But a few minutes later, as I was pulling out of the parking space, he pulled my dress up to my waist, revealing my panties and everything
"Shit, Sean," I yelled, as I pulled my dress down. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, come on," he said."Now I've already seen them, you might as well leave your dress up."
I pulled my dress up so that he could see my underwear. I don't know why I did that.
