Choices and Sacrifices

Quincy jumped right into his timed spiel and Sabrina continued walking to the car.

"Well—Sabrina it's difficult to explain this when you haven't heard Keegan's side yet." Quincy didn't want to ruin Keegan's opportunity to make himself look bad. He wanted Keegan to tell her the tale of his intersecting relationships and his trip to Florida. But Quincy needed to tell Sabrina how he'd come into contact with her to begin with, which was through trying to do a favor for his ex-best friend.

"Either you talk now or never—give me the keys." They had approached the Audi and Sabrina turned to him with her arm outstretched.

"What? You aren't driving my car." He was almost certain he saw Sabrina's full top lip elevate in the left corner. Her eyes were dark and expressive.

"Give me the keys, Quincy." Her voice was booming and hearty, coaxing him to hand over his car out of fear. He didn't want her upset to the point that made reconciliation impossible. She jumped into the driver's seat and for a second he wondered if she would've pulled off even if he hadn't gotten in a second after her.

She started the engine and whipped out of the parking space and onto the road.

Sabrina had to admit that driving his nice car so recklessly eased her frustrations. It was the equivalent to yelling into a pillow, but only she was putting sweat on Quincy's brow in the process which was an added plus. She could feel the rubber leaving its mark on the black pavement.

"You have 20 minutes." She reminded.

"Okay..." His voice croaked. She wasn't sure if it was because of the situation or the fact that she'd turned a corner at 35 miles an hour. "Well, Keegan wanted me to lie to you the day I met you at the dentist."

"You were living with him in his apartment?" Her tone was so forceful, he felt the need to answer her questions immediately after she'd finished asking them.

"Yes. But when I saw you, I had a lot of animosity toward Keegan so I saw you as an opportunity to get back at him. I did a good amount of manipulating to pull you toward me..."

"Like?" Quincy sighed as he tried to subdue his embarrassment.

"I paid someone to tow your car... which was also the day you got evicted from your apartme—" Quincy was cut short by his head being knocked into the window on his right. After the first blow he was able to dodge the second and capture Sabrina's wrist. She'd been smushing his head with her palm, occasionally slapping him right on his nose.

"Sabrina—baby I'm sorry!" He shouted, trying to restrain her.

"Get off of me!" She snatched her arm back and took deep, wavering breaths. Luckily there weren't many people on the road so late at night because she was swerving quite a bit. A 30 second silence fell between them and Quincy almost thought he was free to end his story.

"Finish!" She shrieked, scaring him half to death with the rigidness of her high tone.

"Well, I got to know you and I started to see you for the beautiful, intelligent wom—"

"I don't want to hear it." She was done with the sugar coating bullshit. Apparently she'd heard her fair share of it these past few months.

"Keegan ended up having to leave Maryland, but I'll let him tell that part. He thought I'd done his dirty work for him so I avoided him while I spent time getting to know you. I told him about a month ago that I hadn't."

"What did Keegan do to you?" She asked curiously.

"Keegan and I moved here together. I thought it'd be about us—going out together, being adults together. But a few weeks after we got here, he met you." And he left it at that, as if it was all self explanatory from there.

"And?" Sabrina prompted.

"And, I hardly saw him. It felt like I'd moved here alone."

"So you felt like complicating our—" She was doing it already; feeling sympathetic toward Keegan. Her body was subconsciously displacing little pieces of blame and settling them elsewhere to alleviate Keegan from under the rubble of his mistakes. "my life, because you were sitting at home on Saturday nights?" At this point, she was pulling up to Rochelle's house and Quincy knew his time was up. Sabrina looked to the front door to see Rochelle already in the doorway.

She had her arms crossed over her chest, still a bit drowsy from her sleep. Her wavy curls were piled into a massive bun on the top of her head and she wore loose shorts and a tee stained with baby foods.

Sabrina nearly ran out of the car, leaving it running and hardly putting the gear into park. She knew as soon as she stepped through that threshold, she was free to release all her suppressed thoughts and emotions. That realization put adrenaline in her veins.

Quincy, however, was set into a state of panic. He wasn't sure what this all meant for him. Their car talk seemed to go better than planned, but he still wasn't sure if this was officially it. He didn't want to give up quite yet. He opened his strides to join her up to the home.

"Sabrina, I didn't want to hurt you—you know that right?" Sabrina was transfixed and hardly noticed Quincy's pleading in her ear. Quincy outstretched his arm to try and grasp her—anything on her with hopes of keeping her still. But she easily maneuvered herself out of his reach.

"That's a nice car, Quincy." Rochelle called while waiting for Sabrina to venture up to the front door.

"Thank you, Rochelle." Quincy replied stiffly. He'd grown a distaste for Sabrina's best friend. The reasons being a mixture of Sabrina's family practically forcing their sentiments onto him and her blatant inability to suppress her opinions when talking to Sabrina. Sometimes he wondered if those two reasons were connected to one another.

"You better be careful—those are sports tires right? I'm sure they're pretty expensive to replace." Quincy tried to ignore Rochelle's vicious half smile and focus on Sabrina.

Either way, he knew that if Sabrina was unsure as to what to do about the situation presented to her, Rochelle's recommendation would be the route she went. He just hoped the route led her right into his arms.

*

"At least you know he still loves you." Rochelle startled Sabrina with what she'd said. She sat up on her elbows to stare at Rochelle from the edge of the bed. It was the first thing she'd said after Sabrina spent 20 minutes explaining the entire night.

"You're saying that as if it's something good, and I honestly doubt he does." Sabrina lifted her other foot to let Rochelle take off her shoes. She placed them on the floor with the other.

Rochelle decided to let Sabrina stay in the guest room for the night. She needed a ride back to Quincy's house to pick up her car and Rochelle didn't feel like taking her then. She gave Sabrina one of her tee shirts and was now in the process of tucking her into bed so they could vent until the next morning.

"You're still in love with him so you should hear him out."

"I cannot believe you."

"What?" She asked expectantly, while throwing her arms up into the air. "Who's shit would you rather put up with? Someone you love's shit or someone you don't love's shit?"

"Why can't I leave them both alone? I'm falling out of love, slowly be surely."

"Not possible." Sabrina groaned deeply.

"So what do you want me to do? Go back to Keegan?" It was a rhetorical question, but Rochelle's answer had once again astonished her.

"Maybe not right away, but I do think he has a good reason for everything he's done. You need to give him a chance to explain himself and regain your trust. Then see how you feel after." Sabrina was watching her closely—searching for any sign of mockery.

Rochelle, at one point had to do a lot of this, so Sabrina shouldn't have been surprised. When she and Yoel were patching up their marriage there was lots of trust regaining and self explaining going on. She was familiar with the situation of dealing with a loved one's "shit", as she would say.

But Sabrina wasn't married, and she was in no way obligated to deal with Keegan's shit.

"I don't want to see how I feel after. I want to get over him." Those sentences were stern and straightforward, but they felt strange. Sabrina was now clad in only Rochelle's tee. She climbed into bed with her and they cuddled loosely on the full sized bed. The tableside lamp left a yellow tint in the corner of the room.

"You could really fuck with him. Get some good gifts out of his sorry ass. Maybe he'll do that thing men do— crawl up to you on their knees while crying and bury their face right in your puss—" Sabrina choked out a laugh.

"Rochelle. Okay." She replied on a laugh. The part that made it humorous was her seriousness.

"Sorry," She sighed. "I just really love that shit." Sabrina could learn to love it too. Keegan begging and tripping over himself to please her would have its perks.

"How'd the girl look?" Sabrina hadn't said much about Bethany, only saying that she was there and her presence got under her skin immensely. Only now did Sabrina fully get to sink into her insecurities.

"She was..." She sighed, shrugging her shoulders as she failed to come up with another word. "beautiful."

"You're beautiful too—don't think you aren't." And Sabrina didn't think she wasn't attractive, she just questioned her beauty in reference to Keegan's standards.

"I know, thanks. I just can't help but wonder how he could've gone from her to me." Unless her mother was right. Only then did it make sense as to why he'd pursue her. It was impossible to hold a black woman to European standards of beauty. He needed to create his own if he wanted to be successful with bedding one.

That was the only explanation that fit, but it still didn't feel right to her. She couldn't picture the innocent, mesmerizing man she met in that park having such malicious intentions. She didn't want to believe their relationship had started as a bucket list scratch off.

"You'll never know unless you ask." Rochelle seemed to be responding to her personal thoughts as well.

"Well, I never want to know. I only listened to Quincy because I needed him to get here." She wished she could fast forward a few months into a new point of life where this entire thing was blurred around the edges from time; it's emotions dulled.

"You need to hear his side. You'll never get over this until you do."

"Well I'm never getting over it."

*

Sabrina was ready to start her clean slate.

She wasn't going to feed into Keegan's plot. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of disappearing and returning as if her life had frozen while he was away. Although her core was burning to hear him explain himself, so she could sit back and scrutinize from nearby. But she knew doing so would give him more of her attention than he was worth.

Sabrina was in love with her condo. Quincy may have had a terrible objective when paying for her car to be towed, but the outcome was great. Her new place allowed pets and was right on the outskirts of town. She was a mere 10 minute car ride away from the dental office.

It was Sunday, so she was preparing for church. She had a hot cup of Colombian coffee in her hand as she waited for Venice to exit the apartment for their morning stroll. She hadn't gotten out of her pajamas yet so she still wore loose shorts, a tank and bed slippers. Right outside of their building was a long stretch of grass that led to a thin forest. There was a gravel path that Sabrina liked to walk idly.

The air was dewy from the lack of sun, and she hoped the moisture didn't taint her wrapped hair. She sipped on her mug lightly, enjoying the rich taste. She ran her tongue over her smooth teeth out of habit, still waiting for the day she'd be happy about not feeling any metal.

The nuisance had always been a reminder that she was free to perform her childish, comforting routine. There was so much stress relief in sucking her thumb that she hadn't appreciated until she could no longer do it. If she did, she'd waste $4,000 and force her dreaded overbite to return.

It was almost a juxtaposition to clean people's teeth with braces on. So she purchased a plastic cast to wrap her thumb in and wore it for a solid two weeks. After that, she visited her orthodontist and announced that the time had come for their removal. She truthfully, hadn't felt the same since.

*

"Where's Quincy?" It was the first thing her mother said when she saw Sabrina. Her eyes were wide with worry, occasionally glancing at the entrance. Sabrina couldn't say she was surprised by her behavior.

"Hello ma. I'm doing well, thank you." Sabrina repositioned Mena on her hip so she could lean in to hug her mother. Her hug was light and impersonal, not quite embracing her but just going through the motions. Sabrina met her eldest sister Brittany's icy stare. She and Ivy were positioned a foot behind their mother. Brittany looked like a body guard, ready to take Sabrina on herself if she needed to.

The organ reverberated from the room next door, signaling that the service was about to start. Sabrina was thankful because she'd need words of encouragement to deal with them. Something told her that they'd handle her 'break up' much worse than she had. Although, to her shock, her mother stayed put. Her honey tinted eyes were settled sternly on her as people shifted around them.

"Where is he?" Sabrina could feel herself getting angry.

"We aren't together." The words had a tight sound to them, hinting at how she felt like screaming the sentence. She watched as her mother's nostrils flared and relaxed, her lips creasing from the pressure. She and Sabrina competed in a hard stare down, challenging the other to submit first.

"I guess it's impossible." Her mother snarled. "You just can't keep a man, let alone a good man."

"Yeah, well I learn from the best." Sabrina couldn't explain how foreign that hatred felt exiting her body. It felt different, but she didn't feel guilt or remorse and that scared her lightly. Her mother retreated the tiniest bit, and she could hear Brittany's gasp behind them. There was silence for once—the silence of words and tension but shock left a heavy aurora. She used that as her opportunity to leave the room and sit in the back of the church.

They filed in a minute later, sitting in their usual spots at the front. Two seats beside her mother were empty, and there might as well have been spotlights on them. The congregation eyed the vacant seats and searched around anxiously, wanting to know where their favorite successful brown couple was. But once they saw Sabrina tending to a baby in the back, completely alone, they gave her pitied expressions and turned back to the front.

Sabrina had to admit, "Being" with Quincy had made everything better. It made her feel more accepted within her family, more of a perfect woman to the church and had taken her mind off of Keegan substantially. Their relationship was more of an unspoken agreement than it was a real relationship. She was his 'perfect' black trophy to his colleagues and he was her sense of belonging.

Quincy had a terrible character, but it was never intentional. She could never effectively get herself to dislike him because he was himself. He wasn't humble, he wasn't selfless but he never pretended to be. He was uncensored and unapologetic—naturally and for some strange reason, that was the aspect she liked about him the most.

But the lying was just too much.

"Goodmorning." The Bishop greeted everyone as he normally did, making eye contact with those in the first few pews; his relationship with them being the closest. His sermon described how people were shaped and molded for service by God. The only thing left to do was utilize His tools and spread His word. It seemed blandly familiar.

Sabrina was struggling to keep her thoughts clear enough to focus. Every blink contorted her train of thought onto a much busier road.

The feeling coursing through her was both familiar and unfamiliar. The isolation and outcast-like relationship she was having with her mother and sisters was something she'd grown accustomed to. Once again, making her own decisions and straying from the posse had wedged a high and long block between them that had once been a free space for connection.

Two or three months ago, she'd be content with this. Her heart wouldn't clench and she wouldn't give their side glances a second thought. But the fact was that she'd grown accustomed to her bit of solidarity. So accustomed that she'd forget how it felt to be on the outside looking in. She looked past the bishop and into the choir, which was where she found Rochelle.

Her eyes were inquisitive and expectant, while still trying to maintain some level of concealment. Sabrina sighed before she shook her head lightly; telling Rochelle that walking in alone landed her back at square one. Her expression was sympathetic and Sabrina rolled her eyes in response, trying to brighten the silent conversation. Her pity was uncomfortable.

Sabrina was in the midst of repositioning Mena on her lap when something caught her eye. She froze still, only her eyes following the figure entering beside her.

A dark button down and long grey slacks maneuvered their way down the aisle with purpose—the man had a drive in his steps. Sabrina watched Quincy take his special seat beside her mother. She saw him outstretch his arm to comfortingly place it around her shoulders. Sabrina was seething.

Her mother leaned into him a bit, obviously glad to see him. They chatted a bit; she never talked during service. Sabrina watched closely, wondering just how much about their situation Quincy was willing to reveal. She knew it couldn't have been much, a majority of it was centered around the fact that he was a liar. He wouldn't ruin his persona.

Sabrina looked to Rochelle to see if she'd noticed his unwelcomed debut. Sure enough, Rochelle sang her words seamlessly, all the while keeping a hard side eye on Quincy. Sabrina was thinking of her escape plan when Quincy and her mother turned to face her.

She could only guess Quincy had inquired about where she was and why she wasn't sitting with her family. So he mother peered briefly over her shoulder, uncaringly pointing her out. Quincy, however, held his gaze a bit longer. Just long enough to visibly see Sabrina scoff and prepare to pack her things up to leave.

She'd stop going to church before she had to deal with this every week. Knowing Quincy, this wouldn't be his last cameo. He wouldn't give up until she did, and that would never happen. She threw Mena's diaper bag over her shoulder and was in the midst of shuffling out of her pew when she was stopped by a booming voice.

"Congregation!" The Bishop asked the crowd for their attention. They all replied with light hollers and hooting. "The Lord has sent me an important message and I'd like *all* of you to listen." He made a special effort to catch Sabrina's eyes. It took everything within her not to curse at that moment. She and the Bishop had a close relationship when she was adolescent. When her parents were divorcing, he'd been there and their relationship strengthened. But as she got older, they drifted apart although his authority and influence was still prevalent. She couldn't defy him.

She took her seat as the room grew quiet with anticipation. Mena cooed lightly in her arms and Sabrina shifted her on her lap. The Bishop wiped his face with a small towel he'd had on the podium.

"We all have some tough problems— work, friends, family. Whatever it is, it isn't easy to deal with." He got a few praises at different corners of the room. He made examples of situations— money was tight this month, passing of a loved one, infidelity, he related to every person in the room. It was leading up to what he was about to say next.

"But we cannot forget what is most important. Who will get us through these rough patches and lead us to a better day." This was why he'd wanted her to stay. "Don't let your personal issues keep you from being personal with God." He was right. Sabrina wouldn't let Quincy, her mother or her sisters come between her faith. She needed all she could get to keep her sane.