**** Monday morning
"Claire, are you coming in? The meeting's due to start in five - you know how shit the IT is here."
Jeez, the man was loud; I could hear his voice as if he were right here with me, coming through loud and clear on my wife's mobile.
I could just make out the scuffle of documents, the general hum of an office - I very much hoped she was trying to keep this particular conversation as private as possible. I'm all for sharing, but there are some things...
"I know, I know it's expensive," she said to me, "but if we want to fast-track the results, it's the only way. You book it, I'll pop by straight after work."
"Sure, I'll phone them later."
I'd obviously sounded slightly subdued, my wife picking up on my tone.
"Hey, look, it was all your idea, right? So you're paying! Plus..." she said, pausing, hopefully checking no-one was stood nearby, her voice lowering, "it's hotter if you pay for everything - remember the power dynamic!"
I heard the loud man in the background again, "Claire, it's starting now!"
"Fuck's sake Ram!" she shouted, before continuing on to him, "What have I said before about these sorts of negotiations?! Treat 'em mean-"
I heard Ram again, sounding crestfallen even muffled through the mobile, "I know - keep 'em keen."
Her voice was clearer now, the phone obviously back to her ear, "Love you honey!"
"Love you too darling!" I replied, before the line cut out.
****
**** Saturday afternoon
"Ground-rules," said my wife, huffing as she hoisted the two large shopping bags up onto the breakfast bar counter, "Ground-rules are something we need to discuss."
She hopped up onto the high stool, sighing, as if a day's shopping for expensive underwear really took it out of you; tough gig. She turned to me, smiling as she took the mug of coffee I offered as a restorative for her hard life.
Claire has been out all day with Kate. They'd called it a 'shopping date' (an idea that made me shiver at the sheer misery I imagined it would entail had I been dragged along; mercifully, they'd gone alone). They'd trawled Oxford street, stopping for lunch (and a sneaky drink at a high-end wine bar - "My feet hurt - I need wine!" had been Kate's simple logic).
I tried to pry one of the bags open slightly, to get a peek at whatever undoubtedly expensive products 'Intimisimi' were in the business of selling.
"Hey!" snapped my wife, slapping my hand, "I'll model them for you later! Right now, we're talking ground rules!"
I simply smiled, a cheeky grin on my face like a schoolboy caught with his hand in the sweet jar.
"I hope you didn't tell Kate what you were really buying these for!" I said, ignoring her chosen topic; ground rules be damned - I wanted to see what slutty gear she'd bought!
"Well," she said, a cheeky smile on her face, pulling the bags across the counter-top, away from prying hands, "I didn't lie. I just didn't tell her the whole truth. I told her I wanted some sexy things for a date night we'd organised."
"Good idea," I said, trying to sidle closer to the bags as Claire's eyes narrowed, watching me closely, "you can't be caught out in some complex story you've concocted if you just omit things."
"My thoughts exactly," she agreed, moving the bags away again.
"But you're ignoring my question - ground rules."
"You didn't ask a question," I said, a smug expression on my face. My wife gently slapped my chest in mock annoyance.
"You know what I mean!" she squeaked, "We need to establish some basic rules. For example," - she nodded at the bags of lingerie in front of her - "I will only wear underwear I specifically buy for the occasion with Samuel."
I was a bit confused by that. She had plenty of nice, sexy stuff - what the hell was the issue with it?
"I don't get that. I mean, that lovely little blue number you wore for my birthday - what's wrong with that?"
Claire just stared at me, an expression of genuine hurt on her face.
"That was for your birthday! It's just for you, and you alone! I might be sleeping with this man, but you're my husband!"
Oops. Here was my gorgeous, sexy wife, trying to make clear that, even though I wanted her fucked by a big bull, there were still important distinctions to be made; she might have a bull, but I was the important one here, I was the one she still kept 'for your eyes only' things for.
I immediately felt guilty, holding my arms out in front of me, wide apart, to signal my contrition and desire for a hug. She embraced me, snuggling her face into my neck.
"I'm sorry baby," I whispered.
She pulled herself away from me, smiling again, clearly forgiving my minor faux pas.
"That's OK. But look, ground-rules."
She put extra emphasis on the phrase.
"Number 1 - condoms. He may be all checked out, but I'm not getting pregnant!"
Shit! How dumb can a man be?! I'd not even considered that! I'd had the op some years back, so it just never came to mind. Granted, some small, sordid little part of my brain was busily fantasising about her bull's child growing in her swollen belly... But Jesus, no! I mean, the reality of that would have been too awful to contemplate.
"Christ, no! Yes, 100% - condoms are a must."
There was one other thing on my mind... I turned away from Claire, staring away out of the glass doors, into the fading afternoon outside.
"What about photos?" I asked.
"Photos?" replied my wife, seemingly surprised. "I'd honestly not thought about it. Why, do you want a 'souvenir'?"
She smiled her sexy little smile at me.
"Hell yes! I want to be able to capture my wife being ravaged on record forever!"
"OK, but nothing online! No cloud! I do not want anything popping up on the internet!"
"No problem."
"One final one - we do all of this together."