My eyes were heavy and almost drunk with exhaustion, but sleep simply did not come. My mind was fully aware and ignoring my body's fatigue. I wondered,
is this what my mothers wedding night was like?
I took a deep breath and ran my tired eyes around the small hotel room. I wanted my brain to marinate in it.
This is as close as a girl like me will ever get,
I thought to myself. On any other night that thought would kill my soul just a little bit more, but tonight in this cramped Manhattan hotel room, I couldn't be happier or more excited.
I've just put in a nine-hour shift at my first professional job not involving a pole or platform heels. Unfortunately it stimulated my mind just a bit less than my previous position.
I realized I was standing in the doorway staring at the bed for longer than a sane person should. I have a tendency to over romanticize situations. My intellectual brain recognizes the rather plebeian and almost sleazy reality of my situation. My emotional heart however, is fluttering with the thought of consummating this relationship once and for all.
I put my briefcase and gym bag on the floor and closed the door. The room was tiny. It made my old dorm room look like a honeymoon suite at the Borgata. The muted colors on the walls were almost Perkins-Gilman-esquse .
Thankfully, by some genius design the room's bathroom managed to have a full tub. I took out my planned outfit for the evening, a sheer black halter dress, matching thigh highs. It was the first piece of lingerie he ever sent me.
I took out my cell phone and sent him a quick message to confirm that I had arrived and my room number. He was coming in the morning. I wanted everything to be perfect. It was already three a.m.
I meant to bring the red and black shoes he bought me to replace the ones I broke. I was too excited before leaving home. They were probably still next to the door, where I put them so I wouldn't forget them.
After putting my outfit out and giving all the items a few sprits of perfume I started to peel out of my work clothes. Out of the mary-jane flats, the pretentious American Apparel leggings and the bulky sweater dress that did nothing for my figure.
The small bathroom wasn't stocked with many comforts, the shampoo bottle that boasted containing two uses wouldn't even last a quarter of a use in mine. It was just as well, I plaited my thick black hair earlier that day. While soaking in the tub, I carefully undid those braid and let my hair relax into its natural state. Chaos.
After my body was washed, hair coifed and pussy shaved, I slipped on my lingerie and settled in under the covers. I closed my eyes, opened them, and then stared at the ceiling. I repeated this several times. Despite being unbelievably tired, sleep wasn't coming. I checked the clock; it was almost five a.m.
I checked my phone a few more times, sent a few text messages. Turned on the tv and tried to relax my body. Staring at the ceiling, I wondered,
would he like me? Will I be good? Will I do the right things?
Hundreds of worried thoughts ran through my mind.