I stood by my mother's car, tapping my foot. Even that apparently minor act of rebellion was enough to draw a warning glance from her. I sighed and turned away as she locked the front door of our house.
I just need to get through today, I thought. Go to church, look repentent, find Jesus. Easy.
It was a simple plan.
At 18, the time for me to find God had probably long since passed. I recently needed to keep my devout mother happy however due to a... minor transgression.
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Unfortunately, my mother had returned early from work a week earlier and caught me getting plowed from behind by our 40-something year old neighbour, Mr. Summers. The three of us froze in shock before my Mom started shouting obscenities at both of us in Vietnamese. He quickly grabbed his clothes and managed to escape as my mother chased him with a broom, his big cock bouncing comically as he scarpered.
When she returned to the living room, I was meekly pulling my clothes back on, my eyes avoiding her gaze.
"THAT IS IT!!!" she yelled in Veitnamese, fire burning behind her eyes. "YOU ARE A FILTHY SLUT! YOU BRING NOTHING BUT SHAME TO ME AND YOUR FATHER! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A HUSBAND AND FAMILY IF YOU!... IF YOU!..." She struggled to put into words what she had just witnessed. "... IF YOU HAVE NO MORALS!" she finished, with righteous scorn.
"Please Mom! I'm sorry!" I pleaded. I wasn't particularly. I was sorry she caught us.
"It was the first time!" I professed.
It wasn't even the first time that day.
My mother shook her head, stormed out of the room and went upstairs. I heard her bedroom door close with a bang.
Oh shit, I was really in for it. If she told my traditional, buttoned-up father, he would surely throw me out of the house. At the very least.
I had to stop her. I had to convince her somehow to keep it to herself.
I quietly climbed the stairs after her. Outside her room, I hesitated before gently knocking on the door.
"Mom?... Can I come in?"
No answer.
I opened the door slightly and tentatively peaked around it.
My mother was sitting on the bed facing away from me. Her shoulders were rising and falling rapidly. She was sobbing quietly.
"Mom... I'm really sorry! I don't know why I let him come in..." I didn't feel bad lying to my mother about my sexuality. I figured out years ago that she couldn't guide me through the overwhelming desires I felt. Her default answer to most of life's challenges was prayer.
Although I didn't have the same sexual hang-ups as my parents, I did feel bad for making her cry. She wasn't a bad woman, she just saw the world differently to me. No doubt her growing up in Vietnam while I grew up in the US had led to diverging opinions about a lot of issues, especially sexuality. I wondered at times if she regretted moving our family to America.
She stopped crying after a couple of minutes. I sat on the bed behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She tensed as I did so, and I knew then that there would be no easy 'forgiving and forgetting'.
She rose suddenly, my outstretched arms falling away from her.
She turned to face me, tears still in her eyes but steely resolution there too.
"I must tell your father." she said finally.
"NOOOOOOOO MOM! PLEASE! HE'LL KILL ME!" I begged desperately. I was now genuinely terrified. If I was lucky, he'd just kick me out of the house. I began to hope Mr. Summers was on his way to the airport, for his own safety.
"I must, Sang! He is your father, and this is his house!... I am sorry. Do not blame me for your sin!"
FUCK!
This was not good. I had to convince her somehow.
THINK!
My Mom was always preaching about sin and heaven. She had stopped trying to bring me to our local Catholic church when I was 14. Even then, my stubborn rebelliousness caused her endless grief.
Hmmmm... The Church!
"What if..." I paused dramatically, trying to act genuinely remorseful. "... What if I spoke to a priest?"
She looked at me with suspicious curiousity, clearly taken aback by my suggestion.
"Maybe he could help me control my urges... at least until I found a husband?" I continued, unsure as to how convincing my ruse was.
"You are just saying that so I won't tell your father..." she said, her eyes narrowing. She didn't know how right she was.
Looking back, I think she wanted to be convinced. Giving me another chance was far less stressful for her than lighting my father's fuse.
"No, Mom... I understand you have to tell him. He is your husband, and I have brought shame to you both... But I don't want to be a slave to my desire anymore. As you say, what kind of life will I have if I don't learn to control my urges?" One full of fucking and sucking, no doubt.
I had mixed feelings about this degree of deception, but I was desperate. I had to fully commit to the gambit.
I waited as she thought about my words.
"Maybe Father O'Connor can bring you back to God." she mused.
"I don't know, Mom. I hope so. I just want to be good."
A few seconds passed without either of us speaking. I tried to look appropriately contrite as I held her gaze.
She opened her arms and I rose to embrace her.
Phew.
"You will come to St. Mark's with me on Sunday, and after the service I will ask Father O'Connor to take your confession." she decided.
What about my Dad? Would she still tell him what had happened?