I stood by my mother's car, tapping my foot. Even that apparently minor act of rebellion was enough to draw a warning glance from her. I sighed and turned away as she locked the front door of our house.
I just need to get through today, I thought. Go to church, look repentent, find Jesus. Easy.
It was a simple plan.
At 18, the time for me to find God had probably long since passed. I recently needed to keep my devout mother happy however due to a... minor transgression.
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Unfortunately, my mother had returned early from work a week earlier and caught me getting plowed from behind by our 40-something year old neighbour, Mr. Summers. The three of us froze in shock before my Mom started shouting obscenities at both of us in Vietnamese. He quickly grabbed his clothes and managed to escape as my mother chased him with a broom, his big cock bouncing comically as he scarpered.
When she returned to the living room, I was meekly pulling my clothes back on, my eyes avoiding her gaze.
"THAT IS IT!!!" she yelled in Veitnamese, fire burning behind her eyes. "YOU ARE A FILTHY SLUT! YOU BRING NOTHING BUT SHAME TO ME AND YOUR FATHER! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A HUSBAND AND FAMILY IF YOU!... IF YOU!..." She struggled to put into words what she had just witnessed. "... IF YOU HAVE NO MORALS!" she finished, with righteous scorn.
"Please Mom! I'm sorry!" I pleaded. I wasn't particularly. I was sorry she caught us.
"It was the first time!" I professed.
It wasn't even the first time that day.
My mother shook her head, stormed out of the room and went upstairs. I heard her bedroom door close with a bang.
Oh shit, I was really in for it. If she told my traditional, buttoned-up father, he would surely throw me out of the house. At the very least.
I had to stop her. I had to convince her somehow to keep it to herself.
I quietly climbed the stairs after her. Outside her room, I hesitated before gently knocking on the door.
"Mom?... Can I come in?"
No answer.
I opened the door slightly and tentatively peaked around it.
My mother was sitting on the bed facing away from me. Her shoulders were rising and falling rapidly. She was sobbing quietly.
"Mom... I'm really sorry! I don't know why I let him come in..." I didn't feel bad lying to my mother about my sexuality. I figured out years ago that she couldn't guide me through the overwhelming desires I felt. Her default answer to most of life's challenges was prayer.
Although I didn't have the same sexual hang-ups as my parents, I did feel bad for making her cry. She wasn't a bad woman, she just saw the world differently to me. No doubt her growing up in Vietnam while I grew up in the US had led to diverging opinions about a lot of issues, especially sexuality. I wondered at times if she regretted moving our family to America.
She stopped crying after a couple of minutes. I sat on the bed behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She tensed as I did so, and I knew then that there would be no easy 'forgiving and forgetting'.
She rose suddenly, my outstretched arms falling away from her.
She turned to face me, tears still in her eyes but steely resolution there too.
"I must tell your father." she said finally.
"NOOOOOOOO MOM! PLEASE! HE'LL KILL ME!" I begged desperately. I was now genuinely terrified. If I was lucky, he'd just kick me out of the house. I began to hope Mr. Summers was on his way to the airport, for his own safety.
"I must, Sang! He is your father, and this is his house!... I am sorry. Do not blame me for your sin!"
FUCK!
This was not good. I had to convince her somehow.
THINK!
My Mom was always preaching about sin and heaven. She had stopped trying to bring me to our local Catholic church when I was 14. Even then, my stubborn rebelliousness caused her endless grief.
Hmmmm... The Church!
"What if..." I paused dramatically, trying to act genuinely remorseful. "... What if I spoke to a priest?"
She looked at me with suspicious curiousity, clearly taken aback by my suggestion.
"Maybe he could help me control my urges... at least until I found a husband?" I continued, unsure as to how convincing my ruse was.
"You are just saying that so I won't tell your father..." she said, her eyes narrowing. She didn't know how right she was.
Looking back, I think she wanted to be convinced. Giving me another chance was far less stressful for her than lighting my father's fuse.
"No, Mom... I understand you have to tell him. He is your husband, and I have brought shame to you both... But I don't want to be a slave to my desire anymore. As you say, what kind of life will I have if I don't learn to control my urges?" One full of fucking and sucking, no doubt.
I had mixed feelings about this degree of deception, but I was desperate. I had to fully commit to the gambit.
I waited as she thought about my words.
"Maybe Father O'Connor can bring you back to God." she mused.
"I don't know, Mom. I hope so. I just want to be good."
A few seconds passed without either of us speaking. I tried to look appropriately contrite as I held her gaze.
She opened her arms and I rose to embrace her.
Phew.
"You will come to St. Mark's with me on Sunday, and after the service I will ask Father O'Connor to take your confession." she decided.
What about my Dad? Would she still tell him what had happened?
"Ok Mom. I'll confess and do whatever he recommends."
She held me for a minute or so. Finally, she said "I won't tell your father, Sang... He would only lose his temper... But I need you to change your ways. If you do not, I will pack your bags myself. However, if you live a good, Christian life, you will be happier for it and your soul will be saved."
I almost envied her earnest faith.
"Thank you, Mom..."
Thank the Lord!
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And so it was that I accompanied my mother to St. Mark's Catholic Church on a sunny Sunday May afternoon.
She wore a cream jacket and skirt, with a light blue shirt and tan shoes tastefully completing the ensemble. I wore a plain black skirt, short black pumps and a white shirt. I dressed as conservatively as my wardrobe allowed, hoping to re-assure my mother of my recent Road-to-Damascus conversion.
She parked in the church lot, and we entered through the high, marble arch. We were only a couple of minutes early, but the pews were almost empty. There must have been less than a hundred people, mostly elderly women, in a venue that could hold at least a thousand.
My mother strode up the center aisle, her lips pursed tightly and head held high as she picked out a seat for us in the 2nd row. Great, I thought, at least we won't miss any of the billionth recital of 'the greatest story ever told'. Let me guess, he dies in the end?
I sat upright beside my mother, a paragon of piety. I was to be a good girl today.
A bell chimed loudly, and the congregation rose to their feet. The church organ played a hymn and some parishioners sang as the priest emerged from the vestry, flanked by two altar boys holding candles.
Oh my God.
He's so young!
Father O'Connor was probably no more than 40, and more handsome than I expected. He was probably 6'1 with clear white skin, short, dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes. The fact that he was a priest seemed to make him even more attractive.
A shiver of desire ran down my spine.
"Please be seated!" his voice boomed, his arms raised as he stood in front of the altar.
The hymn ended and he began the mass with a prayer.
As the mass proceeded, I rose, knelt and prayed with the rest of the parishioners. I somehow remembered most of the words to the prayers, my 9 years of church attendance standing in good stead.
Father O'Connors eyes raked across the attendees as he gave his sermon.
"We sin, we repent, and we are forgiven. This is the difficult truth we must accept in order to live a good life. We cannot escape sin. We cannot offset the debt we hold to our creator. Our flesh is weak, our eyes are covetous, our words are false. We are all prone to temptation..." His eyes momentarily fell upon me, and my heart fluttered.
His gaze moved past me as he continued the sermon.
"And it is distinctly human to fall into sin. Fortunately, we have the one thing that this age needs most. Love. Not the cheap facsimile presented by our culture, but the love of a benevolent God. The love that is present when we join together in prayer. We need only ask for God's love, and it will be given. If a man breaks his marital vows, God can forgive and guide him back to the light. If a woman gives in to carnal desires, God can forgive and guide her back to His grace."
Did I imagine it, or were his eyes on me again?