"Fuck," Connor muttered to himself as he wiped the fog from the mirror, giving himself an angry glare. "Useless, piece of fucking shit." It was the first time he was able to look himself in the mirror in a few days. He couldn't face the man he was becoming. He was starting to see the savage, he thought he pushed back years ago.
It didn't help that every time he closed his eyes, he saw hers. No matter how he tried to forget, he saw her green gold eyes large and shimmering quietly begging him not to hurt her. What did he do? And why? Why did he grab her? He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. The pop her wrist made rang in his ears along with her shallow tear heavy breath.
No. He couldn't lie to himself; he wanted to hurt her, to scare her and make her cry. He wanted retribution for his sister. He wanted to make physical what she did to Jenny. That thought made him sickest of all. He didn't know her and he made her the target of his hate and aggression.
He admitted to himself that he was in over his head, and it was starting to show. That was the other reason he put his hands on her. That wasn't an excuse; he was already angry and agitated. Dealing with D.J. then having Mackey pull on him just made him the useless piece of fucking shit who rough-housed a girl. A girl who played tough, but was about as harmful as a newborn kitten.
She was the answer to so many questions he asked himself. He almost answered one before he left her the other night. He almost answered the question of her lips. Were they as soft as they looked? As inviting? He almost let his curiosity override his responsibility and loyalty to his sister. He almost let himself forget she was screwing his brother-in-law and probably his boss. That thought stopped him from falling into her spell; saving him from his own weakness. He would end up like the other two used and probably thrown away. He knew that's what she did. Jenny told him; Alexa and Jennifer were friends once, so who would know her better?
He closed his eyes and balled his fists fighting the urge to go to her. He needed to hear her side, maybe Jenny misunderstood. He pushed that hopeful thought out of his head. He saw her sit on David's lap kissing him. He shouldn't feel bad about hurting her; she was after his sister's family.
He was loosing perspective. He was distracted by her. He ignored the longing and the hurt in her eyes when he pulled away. He knew he broke her with those two words "Too bad." It was her or him, it had to be her.
That was a few days ago, and she was still haunting him. He knew where he had to go. He had to go where all this started. Where he could regain some of the perspective he lost. He hopped on his bike; running from the demon desire.
Connor sat in the chair, the palm of his hands pushing the tears back into their ducts, pushing the anger and confusion. How could he fix this? The machine connected to the little girl beeped at him; trying to answer him in the stale and sterile room. It was quiet except for his heavy breath and the grating hum of machines. Each machine had a function. There was one pushing air into her lungs. There was the one beeping which monitored her heart rate; sometimes he wondered if it really was trying to communicate, then there were the tubes, so many fucking tubes. Feeding, draining and other things he wasn't sure about.
He sat back in his chair; it was futile to fight what he felt now. Angry, hopeless, worthless so many other things he didn't want to think about. He let the tears he'd been fighting since he walked in the room fall.
"Hey, sweetheart. I know it's been awhile. I just wanted to see how you were." He didn't know why he talked to her; maybe his voice would guide her out of the unknown. Maybe she could hear him. Maybe his voice made her feel less alone and scared. He watched for hours, the rapid movement in her closed eyes, the constant rise and fall of her chest, and the stillness of her limbs.
Connor stood over her stroking her hallow cheek, "I'll fix this. I promise I'll fix this." He kissed her forehead his tears dropping cold on her face, mingling with her own. He wiped them away with his thumb.
Bang!Bang!Bang!
"What the hell?" Alexa groaned pulling her pillow over her head. Maybe if she kept her eyes closed whoever was at her door would go away.
"Alexa! Open up!" Grrr. No such luck.
"Go away," she mumbled rolling out of her warm comfy bed, "Damn it." she bumped her head against the night stand.
"Open up it's me!" she swung the door open her angry groggy gaze barreling down on a petite black girl with a pair of wide worried dark eyes. And to tall pierced and tattooed white boy with a pair of sleepy humorous grey eyes.
"What do you want?" she yawned leaning on the door letting her eyes drift closed as the odd couple pushed their way in.
"Oh we just decided to drive for nine hours straight to pay our friend Alexa a wake up call." Gauge rolled his eyes, as he headed to the kitchen hoping for some munchies.
"Are you okay?" Janabelle's usually chirpy and animated voice huskier than usual weighed down with concern and sleep.
"Yeah why?" Now she was confused, weren't they in New Orleans for some cooking class or something? Gauge and Janabelle were her two best friends. Gauge was in culinary school but he also worked at his friends bar. Pretty much as whatever they needed that night bouncer, cook, bar tender, D.J. He was a tall lanky skater-boy with dark hair, piercing and tattoos. At first Alexa was more than a little freaked out by the huge spaced out piercing in his ears, but he was friends with Jana so he couldn't be all bad.
She met Janabelle at Wanda's Salon and day spa. Jana was the first person to greet her when Alexa got a job there as a stylist. Janabelle was a massage thereapist, they became fast friends. Janabelle was a funny girl she introduced Alexa to Japanime and Alexa introduced Jana to dresses and skirts. Now they both worked at The Rose Pub with Gauge. Belle was also the only one who helped take care of Wanda when she was diagnosed with leukemia. Wanda closed the shop to spend more time with her family, Jarome, her niece Peaches and for some reason Shanae.
Alexa's hand throbbed as she thought about the salon. She missed it, she wasn't really good at anything else. That seemed to be her calling but she may never be able to work again if her wrist didn't heal. Janabelle helped her a lot, helping her with physical therapy, massaging her wrist and just being her sweet calm self. She was the only one who knew exactly what happened with the exception of the people involved her ex-Marcus, Jennifer and Alexa.
The girls took a seat at the kitchen bar while Gauge tried desperately to find some food. Alexa's anger drained replaced with the ease of being around Belle. Even the first time she met her she was at ease. Maybe it was because she was so petite, standing about 5'1 and probably 115 pounds.
"You got anything to eat?" Gauge finally got tired of looking and leaned on the counter, interrupting her thoughts. Gauge came in the package that was Janabelle. It wasn't too bad though. He was funny and cute. And the boy created things in the kitchen that made Alexa ask him to marry her; twice in the last few years. Alexa always wondered why Janabelle never admitted how she felt about Gauge. It was obvious to everyone but them. Janabelle's eyes would brighten at the mention of his name. Her smile became a shy goofy grin. And Gauge was oblivious but it was obvious to everyone they belonged together.
Alexa snorted, that was probably the dumbest question she ever heard. "Do I ever? You know I promised Dad that I wouldn't even keep anything that would give the idea I was gonna cook."
"Didn't you sign a contract with the old man saying you wouldn't cook?"
Alexa nodded pushing down the embarrassed flush in her cheeks.
"You burn down one house and they never let hear the end of It." she mumbled
"Ah poor baby." Gauge went to her wrapping his arms around her shoulders.
"Fuck you," She laughed pushing him away. "You know I love you two like family...but... um you still haven't told me what you want." She said still trying to push Gauge off. Man he was heavy for being so skinny.
"I gotta take a leak...Bella tell princess Alexa here why we've been driving nonstop all fuckin' night." Bella smiled trying not to laugh.
"What crawled up his?"
"We were worried-"
"You!" Gauge yelled through the door.
"Shut up and let me tell her!"
"Look if you two want to argue and act up y'all can carry your happy behinds back to new Orleans and I can go back to sleep."
"Stop bitchin'! Bells tell her already!"
"Shut up! Anyway we were in Nawlins and your dad-"
"Oh," Alexa covered her face, "Sorry." Jana didn't have to say anymore, Alexa knew her dad called them when he couldn't get in touch with her. Janabelle something had to have happened if Alexa didn't call to check in, and after what happened with Marcus she was even more concerned about Alexa. Even though Gauge was joking about not being worried Alexa knew he wouldn't have driven back if he wasn't concerned.
