The restaurant was lovely and the evening a good one but I was a little distracted, as I had things that I needed to say but hadn't had a chance before we dropped Rachel at my parents. Clive could tell I was a preoccupied before we left but I made sure he didn't have the chance to question me and later when he gave me a couple of inquiring glances I chose to ignore them; it was certainly not the time for talking with Dale and Amanda around.
Eventually we finished the meal then took a taxi home, seeing our friends off with a wave as we entered the house. Clive was a little drunk and since I'd worn my short grey dress he was getting amorous but it wasn't appropriate.
After a few squeezes and some brief kissing at the front door we went in then up to the bedroom where Clive grabbed me and made his intentions clear. I knew I had to talk to him now, later would be wrong.
"Stop." I told him forcefully. "We need to talk."
He looked at me and could tell it was something important so dropped his advances:
"You've been preoccupied all day." He stated sitting on the edge of the bed as I sat in the middle, back against the wall, propped up by the pillows, my knees under my chin. I could see him eyeing my legs, which in this position were displayed to him and sighed; this was not how I'd planned it in my mind but I had no choice.
"I need for us to talk but I need for you to listen first. I need to explain it all to the end and I'm afraid you'll never hear me out!" He looked at me and I could tell he was thinking hard and despite the drink knew this was serious. I waited and in the end he responded.
"Ok, I'll listen."
"Right to the end without any comments?"
"Sure."
"No. I need you to agree as this is really important; listen without comment to the very end!"
"Ok, I will... to the end without comment."
I looked at him and wondered if he would. I didn't expect him to remain calm for very long but I preyed he'd hear it through at least once. The problem was going to be after he did, would he get aggressive (no he wouldn't hit me, well I didn't believe he would, he wasn't that kind of man) scream at me, throw me out or worse get up and leave himself. He was looking at me, now worried and with good reason, I was about to shatter his world:
"I'm going to talk and after you can do whatever you want, say whatever you want." I paused, my mouth was dry and the alcohol which was dulling my brain a little seemed to dissipate from my system in a flash. I could see Clive was more watchful as well, still a lot worse for wear than me but alert. He nodded again to tell me he'd do as asked.
"I'm pregnant." I opened then moved swiftly on before he could reflect anything; joy would have been likely as he was the one who wanted more children. "I'm going to get a termination because... because the child isn't yours..."
I'd said it then watched as the emotions swarmed over his face; delight, shock, anger and then distress and finally hurt, real soul-deep hurt.
"I need to explain, so you understand how and maybe why and then we can talk... or whatever you want." I didn't want an answer and to his credit he said nothing just stared at me as I pulled my knees tighter to my body.
"It was the Christmas party, your party at the hotel. That nightmare event I begged you not to take me to. I was dreading going again this year to be sat with those awful, bitchy women for hours, either ignoring me or being condescending about me, well us. Remember I told you before we went that I hated the prospect and it was as foul as I'd feared.
That woman, Kiera, she was just as dreadful as always; making less than subtle remarks about how young I looked and how she could scarcely believe I had a five year old daughter. Obvious where it was leading and frankly stupid but there was nothing I could say or do and all I wanted to do was die. But of course she still reminded everyone; 'only twenty two now, such a young thing', you know, stuff like that. The 'of course you were a school girl mum' dig didn't happen this year but it was just as bad!
Then there were the others who just ignored me or worse dragged me up to dance but then virtually froze me out. I was so humiliated, I cried again but this time I kept it from them, making sure they didn't get any satisfaction from it. I know you don't understand what it feels like but it is so crushing, so deliberately hurtful that, that I feel I will end up either falling apart there and then or have to run away and hide. Either way they win." Clive was shaking his head at this point but I ploughed on.
"You've never understood how they belittle me. It's nearly all of them, Cathy's nice and Margaret Gates is as well but she's nearly sixty and was settled with some of the other older ones and most of them don't have the time-of-day for me. It might have been ok if Cathy had been there but I was alone and you wouldn't stay with me no matter how many times I asked you.
"I had people to talk..."
"Please! Let me say my piece first... just let me tell it all, I have to do it like this... please and then... then you can do whatever you feel you need to do..." I didn't wait just looked down at me feet and continued:
"So there we were, this awful, awful evening those dreadful women making my life hell and you were getting drunk with your mates. So I asked you probably a hundred times if we could go but you were having too much fun. I knew that some of the women were watching me waiting to see if I'd leave on my own so I stuck it out for a while longer.
It was just after eleven and I went to the toilet preying that when I returned you'd let us leave. Christ! I didn't even have a room key, I know why because you didn't want me to disappear like last year and 'embarrass' you. Anyway I came out and there was this guy standing there who looked at me and smiled and said hi.
We chatted and then we walked back towards the party only it turned out he was in the other suite at a different function. I told him I was this way pointing at our room but he asked me if the party was any good and I admitted it wasn't so he asked me to join him at his equally dull event for a dance.
I thought what the hell, he was more interesting to talk to than anyone I'd spoken to all evening and you were ignoring me and besides it was just a dance. So we went in and danced. The room was smaller but just as many people there so we were close together on the floor as we bopped. It was nice and he was funny and attentive and I liked his company. We had drinks chatted and I enjoyed myself, helped by the fact that there wasn't a soul there who knew me.
So we spent probably an hour in each others company and then when the slow dances came on we got closer and that's when I realised I'd given him probably the wrong signals, only I didn't feel guilty more grateful. He was very attractive, tall and strong and... and a real catch. Now I'm not saying I'm ugly and I know you always say that I'm pretty but I just never feel that way so it was flattering.
Of course he was close and I could feel him... you know... that he was excited by me... like you get... and he was... well... anyway, eventually we had a kiss or two. Then I decided I needed to get away so told him that I had to get back to you but he asked why I wanted to suffer the taunts of those other women, I'd chatted to him about them, so suggested since I was more or less alone I might like to come back to his room for a nightcap!" I looked up to see Clive watching me. Cold expression; tight lipped but silent.
"Anyway I'm not a fool so knew what that meant and told him thanks but I really needed to get back to my husband. So anyway I left but he followed and told me he'd wait a while just in case I changed my mind and he sat on one of the sofas near the elevators. I came to see you, to ask, no plead with you to come back to our room. That man had obviously had an effect on me and I was feeling a little aroused but I certainly didn't intend it to go anywhere. I just wanted you so I came in and received a couple of pithy remarks about my absence then when I located you, you were drunk and refused point blank to leave. I was so angry with you because I actually begged you to take me up to our room but you said you were going to stay a while longer. Remember you didn't even give me the damn key!
So I left and of course Richie was there, waiting. He didn't say anything and we got into the lift together silently. He asked me where I was going and I told him I wanted to go to my own room on floor three but didn't have a key. He was on the same floor and suggested I wait with him and 'have that drink'. I know it was transparent and I did know what might happen but I was really pissed at you but even so I thought I was a big enough girl to just keep it to drinks. It turned out his room was right opposite ours and that only made me think it was somehow ok, as if I really was waiting for you even though I knew with the bar open until two you'd be a long time." I looked down at my feet, as I continued, this was the really hard bit:
"The moment we were inside he changed. Now I don't want any doubts here, it wasn't rape or being forced it was just aggressive, dominant I suppose. He grabbed me and we kissed, I mean really kissed and I had very little will to resist; I was drunk, turned on and still so, so angry at you! You'd acted so heartless, dismissed my real desperation and ignored my feelings all without a care, just so you could drink with your pathetic workmates. But... but that was no excuse except I felt less about you at that moment and maybe that's why I didn't stop him although I was not sure how I could, yet knew I should stop somehow.
He was putting his hands all over me as we kissed then he slid one up and rubbed the flesh between my stockings and panties. I remember that because it was like a jolt of current as he touched me and I just sort of gave in, I realised I wanted it as much as he did. So he began really going at me; kissing me hard, really hard and his fingers found me and I was wet, really wet as it happened. I managed to get him off me so I could slip out of my dress or I think he'd have torn it off no sooner was it at my ankles he was back at me and it was full on. I'm not going to pretend at all, I wanted it really wanted it so we went to the bed and I slipped out of my bra and knickers and kicked off my heels. He stripped and showed me his manhood and I was in awe, he was really big and... " I paused then realising what I sounded like.
