After Porn
"I... I... can't do this, Jake!" my girlfriend said to me with a low and trembling voice. "You don't know what you are doing...," she added.
Her look was directed to her dessert plate. She took my hand and put the Cartier diamond ring in my palm.
"Keep it!" she said while trying to avoid my eyes. "I don't deserve it!" Her hand was trembling. She tried to keep herself in good composure, but it was obvious that her eyes started to get wet. Her breath was heavy.
We were in a modern British restaurant on level 70 of Swissotel the Stamford in central Singapore. It was supposed to be a big day for us. I had planned this for months. I bought a beautiful ring and made reservation at this upscale restaurant for the sole purpose of proposing to her. We were here in Singapore for a 2-week holiday. I set aside a significant portion of my saving for this big day. My parents were rich, but I was not. I tried to stand on my own feet especially since they day I brought Ellie back to Jakarta to meet them for the first time. My dad went crazy after he inquired about her background and I naively gave him an honest reply. He shouted at us, called her names and asked me to throw this "disgraced prostitute" out of his house. Things were spoken in Indonesian, but of course, Ellie was not dumb especially when my dad's voice was so loud and he made rude pointing gestures at her. My mom just sat there and cried while watching the whole scene. What was planned to be a one-week holiday was cut short to just barely 2 days. We flew back to New York where I had lived with her in the past 1 year and since then, I seldom talked to my parents.
"You don't know yourself! You deserve a better person!" her voice woke me up from a moment of flashback.
I just looked at my palm, the one holding the ring. Her hand was on top of mine.
"I love you...," I said to her softly.
"I love you too!" she replied. "But..., I just can't do this...," she wiped her tears with the napkin.
The restaurant staffs could sense what happened on this table. They tried not to stare at us out of politeness. We went to the lounge next door. The cashier gave me a pity look as I settled the bill.
In the lounge, we ordered Singapore Sling. We stood at one corner where there was a high bar table. It was not crowded today. There were only 5 people there: a couple and three businessmen in suits.
We looked out to the night view of Singapore. I hugged her from behind.
"A man is still a man. You know that something is not right about me and deep inside, you're not okay with it. You may not know your true self, honey!"
"Please, Ellie!" I said. She went at it again. She was a girl with a low self esteem and the scene at my family's house a few months ago surely made it worse.
She led my hand to her crotch.
"A dozen men were here before you. A dozen cocks came inside this pussy. Soon or later, you'll mention it! I am indeed a dirty slut!" she said softly.
"Ellie...!" I said. From the glass reflection in front of us, I could see her tears. They shone like drops of crystal falling from an angel's eyes.
Every time, she mentioned about her past, I felt both a strange feeling of arousal and sadness at the same time. I saw a sexually liberated girl in her, but I felt really sad at how she always felt so low and dirty about herself.
We saw a dining complex just way down below this hotel, across the street. That place was where I first met her.
It was about 1 and a half years ago. I came to Singapore for a short holiday. One night, I was in a pub in Chijmes, an old church complex from the colonial era which had been converted to pubs and restaurants, when I saw a familiar beautiful face. She was a white girl with blonde hair and goddess-like figure in a simple black cocktail dress and high heels. She was with another white brunette girl. They were chatting over cocktails. I couldn't believe my eyes. "It can't be true," I thought. I called the staff and asked him to put their orders on my tab. I wrote a short note and asked him to pass it to "the blonde angel" while at the same time I asked him to offer them another round of drink. I told him not to let them know about me. The staff approached them, said something and they seemed to be surprised in a pleasant, but curious way. They started to scan the pub looking for her secret admirer. I looked down on my iPhone trying not to get noticed. Half an hour later, I settled my bill and walked out of the bar. I was staring at the beautiful tower of the historical building when I heard her voice.
"Thanks so much for your treat, Mr.!"
She was standing beside me. I was a little surprised.
"You're welcome!" I said to her. "How did you...?"
"Find out? You don't need to know. I just figured it out!" she giggled.
"Your friend?"
"She went back to her room," she said. "So, you watched them?"
"Sorry, I don't think I follow you..." I replied, slightly confused.
"You said that you thought I looked familiar! So, you watched my movies?"
I got what she meant and nodded slowly. "So, it is really you!" I said. I couldn't hide my excitement.
She nodded. "I've quit though."
We looked into each other's eyes and I knew that it was more than just a lust.
"How about some midnight supper?" I asked her.
She smiled and off we went to Arab Street in central Singapore where Middle Eastern restaurants and pubs stood side by side. We went to a jazz club and all eyes were on us. It was rare to see a Chinese guy and a white girl together, especially when she was extremely gorgeous. We went back to her hotel room and had sex. It was a bareback sex and I still could remember vividly the strange thing that she said in the morning.
"Aren't you scared that I may have some disease?" she asked while looking down solemnly.
I shook my head. "I trust you!"
Ellie was 28 years old secretary. However, just barely one year before we met, she was a porn actress. She worked with a studio which specialized in interracial sex between white women and black men. Even though, I told her many times that I saw her movies as art work and I myself had always harboured this hotwifing fantasy, but she still could not make peace with what life had thrown at her.
My life looked good on the surface, but deep down, I was not contented. My family was wealthy. They owned a number of houses and shopping complexes which they rented out for passive income. I did well in school and managed to earn a doctorate in an Ivy-League university in New England. There was a catch though. My whole life was a movie directed by my parents. As they belonged to the upper echelon of society, they expected me to inherit their business one day and find a good demure wife from the same social class.
Like many young people, the more they were pushed, the more they rebelled, I did the same. I gave myself liberty to watch pornography and drink alcohol to my heart's content. It was funny that it was how I got to see Ellie for the first time on the screen. I also dated a number of girls while in university and had pre-marital sex with them, something which was a big no-no in my family. Nevertheless, my life changed completely after that night I met Ellie.
She was from New York and initially, I worked in Massachusetts. However, shortly after our first meeting in Singapore, I moved to New York two months later, so that I could spend more time with her. She had many doubts about me. She couldn't believe that a man from the outside world would be able to accept her.
Shortly after I moved in with her in New York, one night, as we cuddled on the bed after our love-making session, she told me more about her past. She joined the adult study as she needed quick money for her college and her mom's cancer treatment. Her dad died when she was small and her family was not rich in the first place. The director of the studio where she worked was a nice lady in her 40s. She and the other actors and actresses were generally nice to her. After 1 year in the industry, she left after her mom lost her fight with the disease. It was not an easy job in the first place even though the pay was high, so she didn't see the point of staying there. However, her past followed her. She had two boyfriends afterwards, but then they broke up with her and all was related to her previous porn career. One of them openly let her know how he went for a health check after they had sex for the first time, out of fear that he might have contracted some disease from her. It made her feel very low and dirty. It also explained why she asked me that strange question in the morning after our first encounter. The other guy proposed to her, but he called her "cheap whore" and "ugly slut" during one night of heated argument. She couldn't take it and cut the engagement straight away. She told me how hard it was to find a normal job once she left the adult industry. She worked for a while as a barista, but when some customers recognized her, her boss terminated her employment. When things were very low, her previous boss called her and offered her a job as her secretary. So, she still worked with the same group of people, but in a different capacity. She no longer needed to get naked. She just needed to manage the schedule, finance and other administration stuffs of the studio.
After our Singapore holiday ended, we flew back to New York and life went on as usual or it was how it looked. I contacted her boss and asked to meet her over dinner just one week after we arrived back in the city. I texted Ellie that I would work over time.
I came to the Japanese restaurant at 7 pm, half an hour earlier than our appointment. I ordered a glass of cold green tea and tried to think through about what I wanted to talk with Ellie's boss.
At around 7.20 am, Celine came. She was with a black guy.
"Hi, Jake! This is Curtis! Sorry, I didn't inform you earlier about him joining us. I hope it would be okay?"
"Sure!"
I shook hands with both of them and asked a waiter to grab another chair for him. We placed orders for food.
