Like most nineteen year-old college girls I loved to have fun, but I couldn't always find what I was looking for. I was a sophomore who lived for school, but my romantic life was lackluster. There were boys in my life, but none lit my fire.
My best friend was my roommate, Emilie, aka Emmi, from Seattle. During our freshman year the two of us quickly became inseparable, so it was natural for us to stick together in our sophomore year. We both attracted attention, and if you were to see Emmi you would understand why. She's beautiful! A tall, classy brunette with girl-next-door freshness. Her social situation was similar to mine. The main difference was that Emmi was less demanding of others, and so had better luck with romance. Regardless, at the time she was unattached and expressed frustrations similar to my own: growing boredom with the campus social scene.
In the meantime we made the best of our situation. To be honest, living in a residence hall with all kinds of students was still fun. Yes, sharing facilities with others got old, but we had some characters around who always kept it interesting! Plus, it was a coed building so there was the drama of hook-ups, romances flaring up and fading, the curiosity about whether so-and-so noticed you as you walked by in your bathrobe, etcetera. I was a bit beyond that in my sophomore year, but I loved watching the freshmen go through the transition.
And then there was Kalu. Kalu Mandinka. Kalu was different from the other freshmen, the son of African immigrants from Nigeria and Kenya. It might seem strange for an educated twenty-first century woman to describe a black man as different, but that was and is reality at the university: it has always been nearly exclusively white and Asian.
Furthermore, the small black community tended to stick to itself as a result of the very cliquey, fragmented campus. Kalu, on the other hand, has always gotten along with everyone, running with any crowd and usually ending up the leader. He is very intelligent and charismatic, with a generally easy-going manner. I say 'generally' because he has an edge and can be intimidating. He was more mature than the other freshmen, quickly rising above the fray to be seen as one of the building's elites.
I remember when we first met as Emilie and I were moving our belongings back into the building in late August. My dad and brother helped, but after they left we were busy with rearranging. Then a tall, dark-skinned black man with a sculpted body came by our open door in jeans and a tight t-shirt. He glanced into our room, noticing us struggling with some boxes.
Immediately he strode in introducing himself as 'Kal', effortlessly picking up and moving everything into place for us. He was ruggedly handsome and confident. And so charming! He had us both giggling with his cute flirtation but he never said anything corny or offensive. Poise! We both admired his statuesque physique as he left, both of us mouthing a silent 'Wow!' simultaneously before laughing out loud together. He was a feast for the eyes, for sure!
Kal and I became fast friends, developing an unusual mentor-protégé relationship. As if I were his big sister. Strange, perhaps, since I am less than one year older and white, but we got laughs out of others. I would instruct him in the proper way to do things, admonish him when he said or did something wrong, give him tips on how to deal with professors and school administrators, warn him to be careful when he went out, etcetera.
He jokingly called me 'Sis'. It was light-hearted, though I realized it was more than that. I found myself caring about him in a protective way. And yet, 'Why?' I asked myself. With Kal's brains and confidence he didn't need a guardian angel, so what was I protecting him from? The answer was obvious, as Emilie later pointed out: I was protecting myself. I was deeply though reluctantly attracted to Kalu, and this was my ineffective way of blunting my feelings. I found myself becoming jealous of the girls who gravitated toward him.
And gravitate they did! Kalu quickly developed a reputation. I thought it inevitable considering his masculinity: he was and remains a true Alpha. I never saw him with his arm around a girl romantically, but rumors started to fly about Kal, his 'gift', and his 'harem'. His suite was right down the corridor from mine and it was not unusual to hear suspicious sounds emanating, or to notice a pretty girl entering or exiting. I felt more and more jealous as the weeks passed until I wanted to throw myself at him! But I felt I had defined myself as a strictly platonic friend, leading to frustration and regret. Furthermore, I started to feel intimidated by Kal himself with his formidable poise and personality.
I confided to Emilie one Sunday evening. She expressed empathy, but also amusement. "Sara? Have you looked in the mirror lately?" she asked, mockingly. "You're beautiful! You have awe-inspiring breasts, gorgeous legs and the prettiest face. I doubt any man could look into your smoky-blues and not love what he sees. You're the most beautiful girl in the building! Plus, you're caring and smart...smart in everything except men, anyway. Wake UP!"
"Oh, Emmi, you exaggerate!" I replied.
"No, I don't exaggerate! And you're placing undue concern on this 'mentor' aspect," she asserted. "That's understandable considering your caring personality. It's cute and sweet watching you look after your big buddy, but it doesn't have to define your relationship! And it doesn't, except to you. I would not be surprised if Kal lusts after you, his 'guardian angel', which itself adds a touch of spice. How does the thought of your 'protégé' having a crush on you make you feel?"
"Hot..." I replied. "I have thought of some innocent, friendly encounter between us getting steamy."
"Exactly! You have to be honest with yourself. He excites you intensely and your relationship actually adds to it. He's really gotten inside you."
"Not yet!" I quipped.
"See? You're funny, too!" she giggled. "I wouldn't be surprised if Kal has naughty thoughts about the sweet girl who's always looking after him."
"Well, anyway, even if he is interested I'm not sure I want to be part of his 'harem'," I responded.
Emilie shook her head incredulously. "Why are we having this conversation? First you want me to tell you Kal might be interested, then you want a way out?"
"I know I sound crazy," I admitted. "There are just so many negative possibilities. He might only see me as a friend like I feared. Or as just another horny floozy - I don't want him to think of me like that!"
"Well, what positive outcomes are there? Maybe he realizes that you are attracted to him, and in turn wants you more than anything? I think you're afraid of that most of all! So maybe being in his 'harem' wouldn't be all that bad," Emilie theorized, with a playful twinkle in her eye. "You would get some wild African sex with no strings attached! It's the simplest outcome other than doing nothing. But now we're going in circles - ultimately his blackness is the issue, so we'll stick with that."
"What do you mean 'his blackness is the issue'? I'm not racist!" I stated indignantly.
She smiled at me. "I know you're not. Maybe I didn't express what I mean very well. You're afraid Kal might like you as much as you like him, and you're nervous about how your family and others will react. Because of this you're more afraid of having him to yourself than you are of rejection or taking a number. I would be, too! I completely empathize with your dilemma, Sara. It's not like he's some cute white boy who's just like your brother. You're understandably apprehensive of every outcome, but you care for him. That's a hard place to be! You have to go by your gut, but again I think your 'mentor' routine might be a turn-on."
"It's too complicated and it could never work," I reasoned.
"I'm not trying to direct you one way or the other, I'm just trying to be honest and provide support," Emilie concluded.
I gave her a big hug and thanked her for the advice, getting a little choked up. It really helped! I was so relieved to hear that she thought my confusion was rational, and that the 'mentor' thing was not an issue. But I began to lean to the conclusion that I would maintain my relationship with Kal 'as-is'. We enjoyed each other's friendship so why risk it? Yes, based on Emilie's logic he may have entertained thoughts about me. Maybe not, but it made sense. In the end there were so many possibilities for rejection, hurt, and awkwardness that it didn't seem worth the risk.
I felt more relaxed about it all, which helped with my schedule. The coming week was going to be a busy one, with an accounting midterm and an important marketing presentation, both on Thursday. I prepared thoroughly. Before I knew it was a gorgeous Thursday morning: sunny and cool, but you could tell it was going to warm up. My fading tan rejoiced in the Indian Summer!
Everything went as planned, me acing my 8:00 a.m. midterm before reviewing a few points for my presentation scheduled at 10:00 a.m. That went just as well! I had some time, so I met a classmate for lunch at 12:30 p.m. before heading to the quiet of the library to get some reading done. I volunteer at a local charity, so afterward I spent some time there before heading back to the building at about five o'clock.
Once back home at Fletcher Hall I hooked up with Emilie and a few other floormates for dinner. Afterward I studied for a couple hours before taking a quick shower and heading to the floor lounge to relax. Emilie and a few other girls were there, but it was very quiet that night: a great way to unwind at the end of a busy day. The TV was on, but we mostly chatted.
Then out of the blue at about 9:00 p.m. Kal burst through the door from the stairwell into the lounge. He was in shorts and a tank top dripping with sweat, apparently returning from a workout. No elevators for Kal! He gave us a quick wave as he hurried by, heading straight for his suite. We waved back.
